On the brink of ending the relationship - advice needed please!

[Newlife]

Hello all,  I have had the lightbulb moment, it's official. I've been in a relationship for 6 years and now realise that I was trauma bonded. Knowing that he was somehow not normal but not being able to leave. I had the initial ways of attracting me by receiving flowers and many compliments. He managed to reel me in. I'm extremely empathetic and sensitive. In fact I was the dream target for someone with all the character traits of NPD. I really wanted a relationship and had met him online. Over time the criticising started and the humiliating me in public. The provocative manner and I rose every single time. I thought you're not going to speak to me like that sostood my ground. He would say 'ok' or 'whatever' to my direct questions. I couldn't reason with him. I found myself justifying myself more and more. He was unsupportive when I needed to vent about a problem. The worst was when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He just said 'well at least now you won't have to pay nursing home fees'... I lost it at that point. We were on our way to an event at the time when the GP told me the news. He added 'don't let it ruin our evening'. When she was dying I asked for support and he told me I was being unreasonable as he wanted to mow his lawn and why was I so stupid not to realise he had other responsibilities. He then went on 'our holiday' to Crete two days after mum died. I finished it by text, he'd been sending me photos of himself dressed for dinner and telling me it was 28 degrees while I was writing my mums eulogy. It was the last straw and I had no compunction about ending it. My sister helped me write the text. He answered aggressively and was derogatory about my sister (he's always tried to destroy my relationship with her). I blocked him and thought I'd done well. But when he came back he love bombed me and due to feeling vulnerable and not wanting to be alone after mums death I was hoovered successfully. It wasn't long before he was being obnoxious, embarrassing me in public by being overtly rude to people. Winding me up to the point I'm bright red and trembling with no release. While he just sat back and watched. I've now watched many videos and read a lot of articles and he ticks every single box. I tested him by adopting some of the strategies it mentions to avoid conflict. But this completely confused him. It was driving him mad as he wanted the conflict that I'd so easily given him on a plate. Instead I was silent at times and said yes no answers. He actually said 'who's been coaching you!!!' I couldn't believe it. Because I carried it on in phone calls and did the same when he came to mine. He walked out twice! I said calmly and without emotion that I'd done nothing wrong. To which he he said you're deliberately trying to annoy me and I'm not putting up with it. I replied 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and he stormed off. So I've had phone calls asking me if we are still together and I'm now on holiday with my sister as I write this. The advice is what to say when I end it. He's now giving me the silent treatment which he's done for 6 years when I challenge him or don't do as he wants. I'm not sure if he'd be vindictive or not and he may try love bombing again but I'm not sure as I've infuriated him so much by being nonreactive and 'indifferent'. He may well just finish it to get the last word. Do you ever end it by saying to their face that you think they have NPD and it's never going to work? Or just say as little as possible? Help please!

[Spring Butterfly]

What an incredible journey and it's good you're safe and healing.

For help answering your questions, if you haven't already head over to the Toolbox (top of forum) and review all 3 sections. The Ametuer Diagnosis topic will help you decide whether to share with him you suspicion.

As for how to exit and some ideas check this topic
https://outofthefog.website/separating-and-divorcing

The Working On Us forum will help you continue your healing Journey and Separated And Divorcing Forum will help you with leaving the relationship.

My story is different but there were several relationships I had to reduce contact and some had to be eliminated altogether. It can be done and hoping the support you find here is as helpful in your journey as it has been in mine.

[coyote]

I'd have to vote with say as little as possible. He will probably never see the light or see his part and you pointing it out will only make him defensive and angry. Study the Toolbox here Seems Medium Chill and Grey Rock will be good tools for you. I am sorry you are going through this but you have a lot of support here.

[openskyblue]

 

I'm so sorry about your mom. The behavior you describe from your ex is beyond cruel and any one of his actions would be enough to justify him to the curb. But more easily said than done, right?

Often when breaking off a relationship with a PD, we can feel like we have to explain or make things clear. You don't. You can go NC and move on with your life. after 6 years with this person, you deserve to put your energy into your own healing. And prolonging the discussion with your ex will likely bring you little in the way of clarity.

Hang in there. Many of us have been in your shoes — me included.

[GentleSoul]

Hello NewLife

Sorry for the loss of your mum and also what you have been experiencing in your relationship.

What jumped out at me was what you said about him wanting conflict all the time.  I came to see that my uPD husband is like that.  He seems to need the rollercoaster.   Like you, I learnt to step back and stop feeding that need in him. 

Wishing you all the best.