New to this

[ForestDad]

Hi all. This is my first time posting, I've read the guidelines, and I'm hoping I'm doing it correctly.

For a few months now, I've been struggling to support my ex-wife. We were high school sweethearts and she was my best friend... even during the divorce. We simply realized that we weren't a great match for each other, we had been unhappy for a long time, and lost hope that we could be happy together. We had tried our marriage for twenty years, but it didn't seem to be working, so we decided to try a new direction. We were excited for each other, and for the new lives ahead of us. We have three children together, two grown, and one teen.

But my ex suddenly started exhibiting paranoid and delusional behaviors. She believes she's being stalked by a man in another state, who sends her secret messages on twitter and controls radio stations and newspaper publications to harass her. She hasn't been diagnosed or treated for this illness. Although we've made efforts to get her into psychiatric care, she hasn't followed through.

This happened shortly after our divorce (actually it had started before the divorce, but I didn't know it was an illness then), and I have been wrestling with guilt that she is now alone, and without my income or health insurance. Recently it has escalated significantly, and her behavior has been wildly out of control. I've tried to intervene, but that was the wrong course of action, and now she perceives me as an enemy. I was advised by a mental health professional that it's best to not confront a person about their fantasy, but it's also not good to engage with them on it and validate the fantasy. It's a hard path to tread, and I couldn't manage it... She found out that I think she's having a psychological crisis, and she hates me for it.

There seems to be two states of our relationship now. When she feels comfortable with me, she will call dozens of times a day to involve me in her current crisis. If she feels angry with me, she will be openly hostile and abusive toward me.  I'm not particularly happy about either option. I've been trying to set boundaries, but it's a constant struggle to defend them. And I often compromise if it seems as though she's close to getting help. But then she doesn't follow through, and I have to start over.

In many ways, I want to help her, but haven't been able to manage any real progress. In other ways, I want to move on. I want to start my new life that I thought I was going to get when we divorced, and I feel completely hopeless that my ex-wife is dominating my life with her constant crises.

I finally started coming to terms that I can't save her.  But in the past week, I had couple different people tell me that I should try some of the techniques used in Lapland, Finland or Geel, Belgium. These options seem very compassionate, but also seem to require much more dedicated support than I expected to give to my ex.

I'm so confused. Must I devote my life to supporting her and helping her heal? Do I owe this to her? Could I turn my back on this person I love? Am I letting my kids down by not saving their mother?

Are giving up my life, or giving up on her my only options?

[Seven]

Hi Forestdad,

I can't offer you any advice on what to do or how much you should engage, but I will say this is not the first time I've heard this happen.

My sister has a friend whose mother was diagnosed early onset dementia (possibly even Alzheimer, I don't know for sure). Now this friend (has been single her whole life) I considered an angel in my mind because she quit her job to take care of her non-verbal mother full time.  I mean, we're talking changing adult diapers, feeding, turning, dressing (literally taking care of an adult infant). To give perspective, the mother just turned 89 yesterday and friend has been doing this at least 20 years, if not longer.  My sister would go over to babysit mother to give friend some time to herself every once in a while.

Then one day a few years ago I believe their shed got broken into and maybe a weed eater was taken and that's all it took.  SNAP!  Deep into a paranoid delusional state.  Of course because she had no job, there was no insurance.  My sister has tried to help her, minister has tried to help her (all in non-accusatory way of course), but it was literally turned on just like a light switch.  That friend must have had so much stress built up over the last 2 decades being her mother's caretaker (something I personally could never do) that all it took was one event to trigger her new mental status.

  I don't know the complete ins-and-outs of what has been done for my sisters friend or if she's on any medication now to help control her delusions, but maybe hearing about sisters friend can help you figure out how it all started for your ex.

[moondance]

   I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. My ex also has paranoid delusional/psychotic episodes. He became very abusive, suicidal. We have been separated for 2 years, divorced for a few month. We had been together almost 30 years with 2 grown kids, one teen as well.  I found that the less contact I had with him the better I could cope. I did help him out a few times in the beginning; visited him in the hospital when he was on suicide watch, collected his mail. But every interaction with him was so fraught with emotion and anxiety, I would have panic attacks and extreme stress for hours afterward, as would my daughter just knowing I had contact with him.  As hard as it was  I found that to protect my own mental health and be able to move forward and heal it was best to cut off all contact.  No one can tell you what to do but I think you'll read a lot of experiences on this forum about going "no contact" and how it has worked for different people.  Now I have minimal contact, for example we will probably see him at our son's upcoming graduation, and I'm dreading it.  But we will not sit together and he is not invited to the grad. party. If he wants to do something for our son that's between him and our son.  I can't be the go-between for him and his kids any longer.  Just my opinion but I don't think you need or should devote your life, time or energy in helping someone you are divorced from when its clearly so stressful and maybe even dangerous for your mental health to do so. She is an adult and you have to let her be responsible for solving her own problems and getting help for herself, or not, as she chooses.  My kids and I have struggled with the burden of trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved and ultimately we have all come to the conclusion (after much agonizing and over-analyzing) that he is responsible for himself and we have to take care of ourselves and not be dragged down with him.   I hope that you can work through these issues and find peace and healing for yourself and your kids!

[Spring Butterfly]

Warm welcome and yes this is unfortunately the only choice she is giving you. "Are giving up my life, or giving up on her my only options?" It's what's called a double bind or no win situation.
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/no-win-situations-and-lose-lose-scenarios

Since there is a teen involved and two adult children there will likely always be some tie. Is there a way you can be involved and parent the teen yet minimize your involvement in her drama?

One thing that might help is the topic called medium chill in the toolbox at the top of the Forum. It is a way to diffuse and distance emotional involvement in drama and chaos when contact is unavoidable.

The co-parenting board may also be a good resource to connect with others who are dealing with a similar situation.

Hope you're able to find at least some peace with the tools and support here.

[openskyblue]

I'm so confused. Must I devote my life to supporting her and helping her heal? Do I owe this to her? Could I turn my back on this person I love? Am I letting my kids down by not saving their mother?

Are giving up my life, or giving up on her my only options?

Welcome to Out of the FOG Forestdad!

Being partnered with someone with mental illness is really tough — and even tougher when you share children. Like many of us here, I have found myself in a version of your situation with my exhusband — the continual crises, demands for help, rejection of treatment. I stayed far too long in my marriage "for the sake of the kids" and out of a feeling of obligation that I should be able to fix my exhusband.  I couldn't. Actually, it wasn't my job in the first place.

I'm a firm believer in the Rule of the 3 C's — I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. Mentally ill or not my ex is an adult who is responsible for his choices in life. The best I can do is take care of myself and give my (now adult) kids a stable, healthy parent they can count on.

I'm not sure if you realize this, nearly all of your post was about what your wife needs and how can you get her needs met. There was nothing about what you want in your life. Just my 2 cents, but many people with PDs are skilled at making it seem like life can't be okay for anyone in the family until they are fixed, happy, get their way, etc. It's easy to lose sight of what your own goals and needs are. Perhaps if you can get some space and focus on what you and your kids can have with eacother, you might find a better path.

[ForestDad]

Thank you all, for your replies. I wasn't sure what I was even looking for, when I decided to join. But I seem to have found it.

Your words have definitely brought me perspective and some relief.