Manipulation

[Codeep]

My H who is in sex and love anon after a good long period of using prostitution as an outlet told me this morning that he needs to know if we are going to be more intimate than we have been lately so that he can make some decisions.  He rarely initiates sex in a loving way and clearly is not working very hard on his steps.  I hate this manipulation!!!!

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like you are not ready to resume intimacy in this relationship. Did you tell him that?

[blunk]

I went through many of the same things. My experience was that when he did initiate, it was never romantic in any way. Even to speak about sex he always said things like screwing or f-ing, and there was never any sort of kissing. So many red flags, but I was young when we met and he was my first.

It got much worse following my finding several emails between my bpdxh and individuals he contacted through posts on Craigslist. When I confronted him, he insisted that he had never met anyone and it was all just emailing. The things I read disgusted me, I felt like our entire relationship had been a lie, and I completely shut down sexually.

He tried a few times after that to initiate, and I either shut him down verbally or just left the room. One evening after this happened I went to bed. He came into the bedroom screaming that this was no longer a marriage, it was just some teenage BS. There was no realization on his part that what he did had caused it, that feeling like you can't trust your spouse is not conducive to wanting to have sex with them. I was beyond the point of feeling the need to JADE, and just said that I was not feeling connected to him in that way and that him yelling at me was definitely not going to change that fact.

He tried on one other occasion to give me a massage "because I seemed so stressed" and promised that there would be nothing sexual. I don't know why, but I agreed...probably because I was COMPLETELY stressed at that point. The minute he touched me (just on the shoulders), I could feel every muscle in my body tense, he felt it too and stopped immediately. That was the last time we had any sort of intimate contact, despite the fact that it took almost a year after that for the divorce to be finalized.

The only thing I can say is that you are not in any way obligated to have sex with ANYONE if you do not want to. You do not have to give a reason or justification, though it seems that you do have very valid reasons for feeling the way that you do. And like my xh, it seems that your H is not willing to accept his part in how you got to this point. And the fact that his decisions about the relationship are based solely on his needs, and not your feelings, shows you where his priorities lie. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. This sort of manipulation is unacceptable.

[Samuel S.]

Your H is only interested in himself. He is selfish and inconsiderate. True love means being solely devoted to you. I am so very sorry you dealing with him!

My wife and I had a great relationship in every regard. Thus, the sexual component, although it was a small part, was subsequently great. Then, the bombshell. Since I am 17 years older than she is, after some 6 years of marriage, she told me: "When we are intimate, I feel like I am your daughter". Major turnoff! I have not been intimate with her, nor have I have initiated it with her. There have been other signs of disconnection, too, such as being her being so very busy, that we haven't gone out on a date for numerous years. The last time we went out for dinner was for our anniversary in which she said "we might as well get over it". Due to her being so busy, she laughed and said that I should "be with another woman". Had I said these things to her, she would have every right to divorce or so offended for the rest of her life. Well, I am, and I have only been totally loving, supportive, caring, everything positive!

Perhaps, your H and my wife and so many others on this website dealing with significant others have major issues of true intimacy that they act out in so many ways to sabotage the very thing they need!