Do you feel sorry for them?

[Invisiblewoman]

When they passed (my mom) I was initially relieved, which sounds cold but then I was confronted with the reality that I was being isolated and stonewalled.

Now I know that that was a typical reaction from my family (to seek out a scapegoat) I stepped back.

Now I seriously wonder how she was treated and if a lot of her behaviour was an outcome of poor treatment in our family?

I honestly just feel sorry for her now.

[moglow]

InvisibleWoman, it may have been a combination of hers and theirs, that they all did what they knew and kept passing it down until someone stops it. It's also entirely possible their treatment of you was due to hers of them, or whatever she may have told them about you. OR she could have been the scapegoat of her family who eventually got hers [power] back whenever and however she could. There's no way to know.

Even after all these years it's unimaginable to me that so many only seem to see the most harsh, bitter, unloving in everyone around them, and react in accordance with what they see. I've always wondered if it's nature or nurture, given what I've seen in my mother's family. Watching/hearing mother pick and poke and dig for a fight no matter the cost? She's 86 years old, you'd think she'd change course and try to soften her approach for whatever time she has left. But I'm also a cynic - there's really no reason for her to do that either at this point, she's burned pretty much all the bridges around her, intentionally setting up her isolation.

But you're absolutely right, I feel sorry for her/them/us. However we've been treated there's always a different response available - we all have options even when we fail to recognize them.

[Invisiblewoman]

I think my family is not responsible for her behaviour and her acting out. What they are responsible for though is their own manipulative behaviour and their attempts at trying to gaslight and control me, and trying to accuse me of lying when I was being genuine.

It's how they tried to put me in a scapegoat role. I thought I was at fault for questioning their actions but it was how they attached so much weight to every little thing I said while refusing to take responsibility for the hurtful things they said. In the end, it seems like they felt entitled to be hurtful "for my own good." It wasn't for my own good; it was an attempt to silence history.

I felt my mental health was at risk around them, and I could only imagine if you couldn't get away you might start to self destruct or act out in a similar fashion.  I think my mother chose acting out.

Trigger warning for mention of domestic violence.

I witnessed my mother being abused by a partner. He harmed her in such a way he could have killed her as he seriously beat her, and judging by her bruises, it appeared he had choked her.

My family showed no empathy and in fact they blamed her at the time for being a bitch, as they put it.  When she ended the relationship because of his abuse they ignored her complaints and stayed friends with him.

Whether my mother was narcissistic or borderline shouldn't have been the primary concern in this case. He was violent and an alcoholic.  No one deserves that treatment.

It felt like they were quick to twist reality and blame me when I mentioned an issue with my superintendent.  Absolutely no concern for my wellbeing and it's just my fault.  They tried to say I caused my superintendent's outburst. I did nothing of the sort and was just rationally trying to deal with an alcoholic.

They accused me of potentially having an outburst at her cremation, meanwhile I felt like a dumping ground for their outbursts.  Again any basic reaction I had had more weight and severity than them screaming at me and telling me they're disowning me.

In the end I recognized the blame shifting and the way a certain relative seemed to want to provoke drama with boundary violations and an excessive need to control and mislabel me. They used her death to do that.

That's why I am no contact. I feel like my best option was just to leave instead of trying to placate their behaviour. Maybe they have good sides but I felt there was a serious imbalance of power that was not my job to correct.