Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat

[guitarman]

I've not been able to access the forum for a couple of months due to internet connection problems. For some reason some websites weren't loading. Now I've switched to using another web browser and all seems to be working well again thankfully.

Things for me have been quieter as my uNPD/uBPD sister has not been contacting me much this year. I only ever contact her if there is a family emergency. It seems she has only been contacting me for money, which I don't give her now so she stays away. It's been good to have had a break from all her constant dramas and abuse. However I never know when or if she will start up again.

I have learnt to be a lighthouse not a lifeboat whenever I am in contact with my sister. I use Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques and stay calm whatever happens. 

Best wishes

Guitarman X 

[nanotech]

Hi guitarman glad you are back online! I hope you are okay!
I love the 'be a lighthouse not a lifeboat'  approach to our PD families.
I've been employing this too. When I look back,  I can't believe the enmeshed stuff I was taking part in, and it was never enough!

Now that I've changed what I was doing, they don't want to see me. No supply,  no material rewards either, and therefore no fun, I guess.

My dad isn't pleased that I've stopped inviting him to our house, if he's driving here that is.
He's an hour or so drive away, and being 87, I think he should stop driving. I can't stop him driving. I've tried with him, even spoken to his doctor,  but I CAN tell him not to drive HERE, and he has to listen to that. I've told him we won't be available to him if he were just to turn up. So I've done what I can. 
We've offered, countless times, to pick him up, bring him to our house, fuss over him and feed him at his favourite restaurant, go back to ours for tea and cake, ( this was our usual 'dad day' routine for years ), and then drive  him home and settle him in before we drive back.
It's four hours of driving plus a long day being talked at non-stop by NPD dad,  but we'd do this in heartbeat. He could stay over, but he hates that and he's told us! Goldilocks has nothing on dad. Despite our  very best efforts he always had 'a terrible night's sleep'.
He's 87 and he's my dad, and we could do this pick up and drop back thing for a day like this every month or so.
He just. won't. let us.  He argues, vehemently,  that he should be enabled to drive to us. He's so cross about it.

Apart from the driving, which, in his words, 'I really enjoy' , he likes having control over what time he reaches us, and when he goes home( often 8 or 9 hours later when it's dark)
He can't be a part of anyone else's plan or beholden to anyone, even at 87. 

He says  he's happy to drive and take the risk posed to himself. ( if he were to have a slow reaction or have a sudden stroke etc).
I said,

"Ok dad, but what about other people in other cars that could be adversely affected by your suddenly being taken ill  at the wheel?"

  He just gets angry and sputtering when I mention that. Bottom line is, he doesn't care about them. 
Sigh.
He's 'punishing' me right now, by making excuses so that I'm unable to visit HIM at HIS  home.
It's all unspoken, nuanced and therefore  totally deniable, it's hidden way under the surface, but I'm aware of what he's doing.

He's unaware however, that he's failing to trigger my guilt and obligation toward him. That's gone.
Yet I do love him, and would like to see him regularly and just check he's ok and has what he needs. I'm empathic towards him.
Yet I haven't seen him since June because of this standoff. He knows this is hard for me. But I'm not shifting my boundaries. 😊
Everything always has to be on their terms. Nightmare. Respect to you guitarman and keep up the good work.  I'm sending 🤗 x nano

[guitarman]

It's good to hear from you. I've missed this forum but have been getting support from elsewhere.

I suppose your father likes to be in control. He likes to choose when he arrives and when he leaves. When he is driving he is in control of his life, even if others think it maybe dangerous. He is arrogantly all powerful. Nothing is going to happen to him. I hope he doesn't cause an accident, then he will probably blame you so get ready for that.

At his age doesn't he have to complete an annual driving assessment? He may still be a brilliant driver but it's other bad drivers on the road he has to worry about as his reaction times will not be so good.

He is only damaging himself by being so petulant. He is missing out on your company. Has he threatened to disinherit you yet?

He is behaving like an immature, spoilt teenager, or toddler even. He can behave like a child but that doesn't mean you have to as well. Stay calm and be the adult that you already are. Observe don't absorb. Remain firm and as rock steady as a lighthouse in a tempestuous storm.

Guitarman X

[lilwren]

I'm going to learn to be a lighthouse and NOT a lifeboat.  Great saying Guitarman!

[nanotech]

Guitar man Im so sorry, I thought I had replied to you on here. I think it must not have posted.

Thank you and yes I know I will get blamed if at ALL possible, if my dad does have a crash or a bump. I guess it's one of the reasons I've stopped him coming to visit us, as i am frowned on for living in another town so it would be enough of a reason to blame me for causing  dad's longer journey!

My sister has blamed me in the past for buying her a present and then giving it to dad to give to her.
She rang me and pointed out how I am concerned about his driving yet I " made him drive in the rain" to bring it to her! I told her that she could have gone round and picked it up.

" I don't drive and it's not on a bus route" was the answer.

So now I just post her a birthday card.
I had to stop dad driving across the country last year to a family funeral, by promising to take him on the train. The journey was a nightmare, and then when we got to the the morning of the funeral he pretended he was having a heart attack.
Yes, really.
I  knew he wasn't. Believe me I knew.
I spent many hours with him in the hospital, watching him be obnoxious to the staff. Blame came my way from brother ( cold stares and hardly speaking to me). I'd stayed for a while at the wake you see, I hadn't come away from the funeral straight away- I let my brother take him. ( he wouldn't let us call for an ambulance. He didn't want paramedics treating him them releasing him. He wanted to be sure of being admitted). I thought that there had to be someone there from our side, to represent mum.

While at the hospital he was constantly rude to me, and to the other patients.Lovely to brother of course ( golden child).
I had to tell him to keep his voice down as at one point because he was mimicking the staff. Two female staff were talking in loud and very kind voices to another patient. He mimicked that. 🥺

He succeeded that day, my auntie's funeral day, in getting all of the attention on him. I think some of my cousins saw the his mask slip for the first time though. It really was embarrassing that he pulled this number in front of a lot of extended family. Embarrassing, yet after the funeral I reconnected with my cousins. My extended family is so much healthier and I really saw that that day.

My brother was there,  but he came by car last minute. He said he couldn't attend at first, and there would have been no need for a train if he had said he could drive dad in the first place. 
Yup. With three days to go, he said he was coming after all.  We had already bought return train tickets by then.   

When dad told me, he said he still wanted to travel by train(because brother couldn't drive him the day before and he wanted it to be a two day trip)
BUT how about travelling back in my (narc) brothers car? Eek   
Errrr nope.
I knew then that I'd be travelling home alone. Thanks dad. I did reason though, that it would be daylight so fine. Little did I know that dad would make it into a night journey.

Dad of course did go home with him in the car. All his hospital tests were fine but they thought his chest was a little infected and gave him some antibiotics. It was nothing that couldn't have waited till the next day and with a simple visit to his doctor.  I'm sure he did feel slightly under the weather, but how that manifested itself as heart attack symptoms, I'm not sure.

I wasn't about to get in a car with two irate narcissists. I took the train home and was relieved to get on it, but then later ( long journey now at night) I had to change trains and at one point was very, very creeped out at a deserted station in the dark, in a town I didn't know at all. It was supposed to be a manned station but it wasn't. I was given the wrong information at the previous station. ( that's British rail for you)  Luckily the second train was on time and I jumped on it feeling very stressed but relieved.

I got ended up being blamed by PD family members for tiring dad out. The train journey, the travelling round the city. ( at least an 86 year old didn't drive and put himself and others at risk).
It was just the opposite. Dad tired me out!
After we finally got off the train ( one very  delayed journey) Dad had insisted on  STILL visiting many childhood homes and haunts in the city of his birth. OMG I had done my best to talk him out of it because we got there really late! I just wanted to collapse in my hotel room. He dug his narc heels in and said he was going on his Tour of the City anyway, so I could either come or not. I thought I would be best going with him
- to keep an eye on him.
Your description of him as an overgrown toddler,  is perfectly accurate.
I'm now a lighthouse  to him and older NSIS, but I'll never be a lifeboat again. It just gets you the blame.
One day they might actually need a lifeboat. It's the price they will pay for crying wolf so so much.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit!

PS. Once back home, he then visited his local hospital FOUR  more times! Sore  elbow,  sore throat , then one time because he hadn't had a bowel movement for a few hours!    I was sympathetic and listened on the phone,  but I didn't attend the hospital or go see him.

PPS He tried  something similar a few months later at another family funeral.
You couldn't make it up.

[guitarman]

What a nightmare for you! It's good that we have somewhere to share our stories with people who really understand.

This sounds all so familiar to me. My uBPD/uNPD sister is frequently going to hospital but never gets admitted. She often says that she is going to have a heart attack and if she dies it will be my fault. Then she says she's coming back to haunt me! LOL.

On one occasion she drove her car to visit me, walked up to the house and when I answered the door she told me that she'd just had a heart attack! What?!

I don't believe anything she says now about her illnesses unless it's from medical professionals. Of course I would never say that to her. I used to believe all her health stories but I've come to the conclusion that she's a waif. I don't know if she believes she's very ill or makes it all up, usually to get money. I stay calm no matter what happens.

I calmly call ambulances now if needed. She knows I will follow through and call them should I think she needs one. I pass the responsibility onto the health professionals.

I hope you have recovered from your ordeal. Keep being a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Guitarman X

[nanotech]

Guitarman thanks for your support. Your sister is so similar to my dad in her behaviour. I also have a sister who behaves like this. I've put up boundaries with her now and I only see her at weddings and funerals. It's peaceful these days.
There are precious few weddings in the family, and we weren't invited to her son's wedding four years ago. She said that decision was out of her hands. I don't know. It seemed like we were shunned. So we don't see each other unless someone passes away. And if the funeral is a motorway drive away, she doesn't go, because she is afraid of getting into a car.

On the morning of my dad's alleged heart attack, he was supposed to be resting in his hotel room while I got ready in mine for my auntie's funeral.
Nope.
On this rainy cold  damp morning,  this 86 year old decides instead  to go walking round and round a large circular park outside.
He knew I had a view of this big circular walkway from my hotel window. I had taken a photo and shown him at breakfast. Honestly, everything you tell them about somehow gets claimed and defamed by them in a twisted manner.

It didn't pay off for him.
I hadn't looked out, and hadn't seen him.
I think he was he hoping I would see him and come 'rescue' him?

He hadn't  liked me saying that I had to go and get ready. I don't think he had expected me to be firm about the 'me' time I would need for that. He wanted my full attention, all my attention on him that day.

When I look back on the behaviour, I think he may have been deliberately  trying to make himself feel worse.
I think he forgot that he had previously told me how his walking ability had lessened greatly, and that to walk for a time would often give him ' a stitch'  ( sharp pain in chest that younger people might get from running too hard.)
He'd  already told me he  hadn't slept, wasn't feeling well, didn't feel like eating anything ( he was horrible in the breakfast room about the food and loudly criticised everything he could)
- and then he went and did that?
When he was supposed to he having an hour's rest in his room?

Was the whole thing a massive punishment on me for daring to leave him ' alone' for an hour while I showered and dried my hair and dressed for the funeral? ( all essential things I think!)

He'd promised to go have a lie down.

I actually couldn't believe I'd got myself into this position. He was talking about calling a doctor to the hotel and missing the funeral altogether. I think that was his hope. To not go and to avoid it altogether. After travelling for hours on three trains the day before, and then traipsing all over his home town for two more hours in a  cramped taxi.
Now dad would like some drama at the hotel, drama to somehow rival the funeral.

We sat there in the foyer with him clutching his chest every now and then. He didn't want me to call paramedics because
  ' they don't always take you to hospital.'

He wanted a doctor. Didn't the hotel have its own doctor?
No dad.
Hotels don't have their own doctors.
He was breathing normally and talking normally. He had no pressure sensation. His colour was good. Still, it was so unsettling.
There is always the chance that they could actually be ill, and that's what they rely on- our good nature.

I said that with a view to the lack of time, we had better go to the funeral then if he still felt ill my brother would be there with a car and he could  take him.

I realised too that he hadn't ordered the taxi to the funeral, as promised earlier that morning. No taxi affixed at 11.05 am. Did he ever intend to attend?  He then shouted at the receptionist on duty that he had let us down!

'Where is our taxi? I'm feeling very ill and our taxi isn't here!'

The young guy looked confused, apologised and ordered one for us.
Feeling more and more as if I'd entered the Twilight Zone,  I had to go over to the desk and quietly say to him that I thought my dad was pretending to be ill.
Shocked expression.
I asked him to humour my dad so I could get him in the taxi.
Helpful expression.
Once in the taxi, ( same driver as yesterday) dad asked to GO THE SCENIC ROUTE while at the same time pretending to have  a heart attack.
He carried on his tour of the city, asking questions of the driver and pointing buildings out to me, while every so often dramatically clutching his chest, causing the taxi driver great concern and alarm.
Then we got there, and the grieving relatives were exposed to it.
Whoops I've gone on a bit here.
Guitarman thank you for listening and understanding.
I'm keeping on being the lighthouse. 😉😇

[guitarman]

My sister said that she wasn't going to come to our father's funeral the day before but she did attend after all. I don't understand why she ever said that. It's beyond my comprehension.

My sister knows now that if she states that she has a life threatening health emergency that I will calmly call for an ambulance. I'm not going to be stressed out ever again wondering if she's going to die or not. I call her bluff and follow through. I give the responsibility for her care to the health professionals. I let them deal with her.

If your father is feigning serious illnesses it's a ploy to get you upset. He needs to know that you will not stand for it any more. Call for an ambulance and let them deal with him. One day he will cry wolf once too often and no one will pay any attention and will not take him seriously.

Whatever happens stay calm and detached. You don't have to feed the narcissistic supply. It's what I've learnt to do. Every time I showed I got upset it fuelled my sister. It's exactly what she wanted. I didn't realise.

It's a form of abuse to try and emotionally blackmail someone to feel upset about their made up health issues, thinking that they might die. I call my sister my abuser now. It helps me to calmly detach myself from her behaviour and to recognise it for exactly what it is. I am the target of her abuse.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep shining like a lighthouse.

Guitarman X

[nanotech]

Yes that's good advice guitarman.

I would have just rung an ambulance if it hadn't meant that I would miss the funeral.

What a bizarre sentence I've just written!

My cousin wanted to ring one for him once he reached the funeral. He said no to her.
I just didn't have the nerve to overrule him at the funeral, with golden child brother breathing down my neck and already acting as if it were all my fault.

Dad spent the service alternately clutching his chest, then standing up perfectly easily and belting out hymns loudly.
I looked at him as if to say why was he exerting himself, and he said,
' I want to sing'.
Who can sing loudly when they are having a heart attack?

You are right about not showing emotion.

GC brother took him to the hospital after the service but before the Wake. I said I would stay. ( their faces were like this  😖😖
When I got to the hospital a few hours later, the staff told me at the desk that they thought he had been released!
What I think is that they tried to release him, following his clear ECG , probably with advice to see his local doctor in the morning, but that he had said no, and had insisted on further care.
He really wanted the magic to happen. He wanted those antibiotics, and he wanted them now. ( he got them eventually)

After millions of tests, a 'slight infection'  was eventually suspected. Nothing that wouldn't have waited till morning with his own GP at home.

He told me days later, that He had had already been to his doctor several days before. No antibiotics were given. He hadn't told me he was feeling ill, or thinking he was ( who knows the truth?)

I would have said, ' Don't travel.'

He hides some stuff, and exaggerates or makes up other stuff.

When  I got there,  tests were still ongoing and  when I saw Nbrother and Ndad  both surly and glaring at me, I faltered.😡😡  I  had kept it together while some friendly staff greeted me and smiled.

Then, for dad's blood tests, we had to move to a really quiet area.
No staff around.
Feeling their eyes harden even further, I first began to JADE, then I burst into tears. I blubbed  stupidly that it had been a hard  and worrying day. Despite everything, I was worried about dad.

There was not a flicker of emotion from them. Just disappointed body language.
Comments from Nbrother  later began to blame ME for ' letting' dad tour the city the day before!

I was being punished for staying at my Auntie's Wake.

Ho Hum.

Once home he took himself to the emergency room  4 more times over the next week.
I'm going to stop typing now.
I'm now going to shine.
I'm a lighthouse.

Thanks guitarman. Keep strong too you are doing so well.