UPDs and family drama

[djcleo]

So I was postpartum and dealing with my own depression.

I asked clearly, calmly, kindly, directly, to uNPD BIL to remove a hate symbol from his outfit.

I was told he would leave instead.

I stopped him from leaving (my mistake). The outfit and symbol are identity issues for him. And yet he does not accept or support his adult child with very real gender identity issues and recently diagnosed BPD.

So I tried to calm down. Talked to everyone. No one wanted to confront BIL with hate symbol.

So I texted friends. They reminds me I had invited workplace people. So I went back and called BIL a name and left.

I went home and cried for a long time.

Complicating factor: I had asked BIL if he would remove the symbol because my BPD MIL was coming to visit and would be triggered. I didn't make it about ethics as I should have.

So the karpman drama triangle is hugely at play.

On my way home I texted BPD niece (BILs daughter) who is always liberal and in the LGBTQIA community. She complains the most about BIL. I said I should have asked her to calm me down. I should have asked to help.

So BIL, my sister, BPD niece, and nephew all got upset and left.

I was already gone.

Nephew made some stories about my MIL and eventually that was resolved as he was making stuff up.

Niece was angry and eventually after I tried contacting her (we used to be close) she talked to me but was seething. I attempted apologies twice during our next extended family get together. She ripped me to shreds instead.

I haven't talked to her since. Except a weird group text she sent about getting rid of an item in their house.

BIL said he was done with en forever because I messed with his daughter. (Who I've supported for years with her gender identity and sexual orientation questioning, etc)

My sister has only barely spoken to me since then as well.

She sent me a message for a happy anniversary thing in a group text recently. We used to talk all the time.

There's so stuff going on with nephew in his going away for work.

So I've tried to maintain seemingly positivity... or nothing.

I think it's just low to no contact at least for a long while.

I finally snapped. I didn't want to deal with hate symbols anymore. I used to give BIL narcissistic supply to help his behaviors or ignore. I think it was because I  became a mom.

[bloomie]

djcleo - this sounds like a no win situation you were put in and you may have been put in the middle for even longer than you realize with your niece and bil. How very upsetting and disappointing to be faced with such confusing and mixed messages all around.

I finally snapped. I didn't want to deal with hate symbols anymore. I used to give BIL narcissistic supply to help his behaviors or ignore. I think it was because I  became a mom.

I think you are on to something important here.  I am so sorry this unfolded as it did, but you learned a lot about how your sister's family dynamic works and it doesn't sound like it is very healthy, consistent, and honest.

How are you doing today?

[Call Me Cordelia]

A theme I'm noticing here is triangulation. If you have a problem with BIL, go ahead and address it with him. He will decide what to do with that. I'm noticing though a lot of talking about it behind his back, trying to gain support from other family members at the gathering, etc. I think your method of addressing things directly is much better. If anything, making a big thing of it, no matter how important the issue is to you, is creating DRAMA and exactly feeding that drama triangle. You do have the option of addressing observed behavior directly with your daughter and discussing how you have attempted to make the situation better, and why you are not okay with behavior. This is something you may not be able to fix and the consequences can also be observed. You absolutely have the right to be true to your values.

Unfortunately the rest of your family appears to not wish to rock the boat with BIL. It doesn't surprise me in the least that when they are willing to tolerate his behavior, they would be upset with you for pushing the issue and "making a scene." But I agree with Bloomie, what a confusing bunch of people! I hope you benefit from the time to regroup.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry djcleo. From your description I can see the man your BIL is, and I can understand your frustration. And oh it is so not surprising that the other members of the family are reluctant to call out his behaviour. It is maddening but good for you for standing up.

[Leonor]

Hi djcleo,

I'm confused - was this a gathering at your home? Was it a gathering you had organized or were hosting?

If so, I think, and this is just mho, that you were in your rights to insist that attendees not display hate symbols or engage in provocative, hateful behavior.

If you were somewhere else, invited by someone else, and you witness this, you are within your rights to leave. You can apologize to people you've invited: "Look, I'm so sorry for this, but I cannot implicitly support hate by being in the presence of hate symbols. Shall we go to a table over there and enjoy ourselves?" And if they say, "no, we're good," then you can leave. Because you don't have to be on the presence of hurtful, dangerous people.

But no, there is no reason to get the whole family involved. You made a choice. It's a strong, good choice. You needed to take care of you (and your new baby!) You didn't have to make excuses or a statement or a scene, or go here and there trying to rally support. He's not hiding, apparently, who he is. Everyone else can make their choices too.

You draw yourself a nice bath, sleep sleep sleep, cuddle with baby, tend to you and your wellbeing. Postpartum SUCKS. You don't need to pretend you're anything but exhausted, weepy and sore.

Or put up with BIL's bs

[djcleo]

Hi djcleo,

I'm confused - was this a gathering at your home? Was it a gathering you had organized or were hosting?

It was not my house. It was my parents' house. So, yes. If no one else wanted to say anything that's why I eventually went home by myself.

It was partially a gathering I was hosting. But ultimately that privilege was my parents'.

I do realize that I went back and said something to BIL. It wasn't constructive. I don't like that.

I was surprised at myself for doing that. It doesn't make it right, but I was looking at the dynamics at play and was just so tired of it all. All of the dancing around trying to give BIL the right motivation to be persuaded to do something right.

The reason I mentioned my own depression is that I've used the time to work on myself. And also to explain why I finally just said what I said.