A Choice

[Sherbet]

   I believe my husband has NPD. We have 3 small children. The oldest is autistic and needs a lot of therapy. My husband is saying if I am not willing to start trying for another baby around Spring he may divorce me. Even if I do have another baby this is apparently going to be an on going issue of him continually wanting me to frequently have babies. He also wants to adopt.
   I did agree to a very large family before we were married. However, I do not feel like I can handle another child right now, if ever. I am also dealing with a lot of health issues and really struggled in past pregnancies. I also am not sure if I could support myself without him. I am a stay at home mom and don't have a college degree. I am autistic and struggled with work and college in the past. I did have a CNA License but found very little work with it.
   I also am very concerned about our children. They enjoy being with him and I know divorce can be hard on kids. I also think he is not all that good at taking care of them. Also, if we divorce I wouldn't be there when they are together to protect them from hurtful things he says or if he is making bad parenting choices. I am also concerned about my daughter possibly not getting as much therapy or it causing her other issues. I honestly also am working on codependency issues and am terrified of not being with him even though he often treats me badly. I really don't know what to do.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! I am so sorry you are in this situation! Welcome! You have found a good place, full of information and support. Please read the Toolbox and start to use the tools that are suitable to your situation.
In my opinion, forcing you to have a baby when you are not ready for it, is abuse. Is there a support group for abused women where you are? Can you contact them? Please stay around and get all the information you can get.

[Cascade]

That's a really awful thing to say to you! I think you should decide when you are ready to have another child, since you are likely the one doing most of the caretaking. When you agreed to having a large family, that was before you knew that you would have a special needs child, so it is unfair of him to hold you to that.

[GettingOOTF]

Welcome. I am so sorry for your situation.

What you are describing is abuse. Reproductive control is a recognized form of abuse against women and any domestic violence line will be able to offer you advice, support and most importantly validation.

You are 100% entitled to make choices for your own health and body. You are 100% entitled to change your mind around anything you previously agreed to.

You are right to have the concerns you have about your future. They are all valid, but they are not insurmountable. With support and a safe space to explore ideas like these forums and an abuse helpline I hope you will start to see how many options you have.

For example I do not have a college degree and I'm dyslexic, which was never treated as a child. My parents saw it as a personal failing on my part and thought making me overcome it on my own would make me stronger.  It didn't. I spent most of my life thinking I was stupid and not capable of simple tasks. I now have a very successful career and a life I love.

Many here have been or are in abusive relationships and battled with codependency, wanting to leave but not being able to. There is a lot of support and wisdom on these boards. I hope you are able to stick around and find the support you need.

[1footouttadefog]

If you are not in immediate danger and if the kids are not in danger then I suggest you work on your first.

Take time to read and learn as much as you can about your challenges and read in the tool box here.

Also practice holistic self care.  Emotional, intellectual, spiritual, psychiatric, physical, social, etc.    If you are thinking you will need to leave, get the life boat in shape.  You will need strength and healing as you go.

I hope you are soon able to make plans and or decision with clarity and coming from a place of strength.