Parental alienation taking toll on me

[Free2Bme]

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my situation.  I would appreciate input particularly about the prognosis for alienated kids after they become adults. (Yes, I have Warshaks, Divorce Poison, but it came too late for me).

17DS has lived with udNPDx, 400 miles away, for over a year after going to court.  I rarely see him, calls are few and far between.  UdNPDx has pulled every trick to reprogram our 4 kids, but is laser focused on this GC 17DS because tricks aren't working with the other 3 children.   

My other 19DS also went to live with dad last year.  He was wrecking peace I was trying to establish post-divorce. 19DS is the scapegoat and was Dx with depression at 17,  has PD traits, but no Dx.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, knowing he had no other place to go but to live with his PD dad (he had just turned 19).
udNPDx threw 19DS out a month ago, 19DS is now homeless in a major city, sleeps in his car, no support network.  I am not in denial about DS part in getting kicked out, but  I also saw udNPDx  setting him up to fail.  I carry sorrow/guilt for what happened to him growing up, and feel like worm-dirt for throwing him to the wolf.

17DS used to describe his F to a "T", and said he thought his dad was either mentally ill or had a demon.  Then over time,  udNPDx broke him down during visitations. 
19DS knows what his dad is, but is angry at me because I should have left sooner to mitigate damage to him/siblings. 

My T's approach is that sons " knew what dad is and made a conscious choice to go with dad", and "he can get himself out of that situation if he wants to".
I see this as a rescue mission, T see's it as me setting boundaries and allowing DS's to experience consequences of their choices. We are at a philosophical impasse.

I never had a reason to think that my DS's would not be in my life, always very close to them.  Pre-divorce, me and 4 kids supported one another.  Now, I feel my boys have slipped away, never to return, too much damage.  I will most likely have to face a life of never seeing them, or being included in special things like holiday gatherings, weddings and grandchildren. 

My M and SF are now his FM's and communicate regularly with udNPDx, openly bash me and even vacation with udNPDx and my kids. 
Hence, M and I are NC.

I have zero family, very few friends (& they don't get it), no support network.  I am weary from putting on the "strong, positive mom" face.  My kids need me to be ok, but I've been at my threshold for a very long time.  I know I should not forecast the future, but everything I read about parental alienation is grim. 

I never thought I would say this, but I'm starting to wonder if I would have stayed, maybe I would not have to suffer losing my boys.  How does one navigate this degree of pain & destruction.

Sorry if this sounds whiny, but don't have real-time people that get this stuff.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about what's going on with your sons.  I'd feel horrible if I were you, too.

That said, I think your T is giving you good advice.  Your sons' brains are not fully developed. Their choices to be with their dad sound like bad choices, but many young people make bad choices that they can recover from. 

[athene1399]

Have you discussed with your T speaking to DS19 about why you didn't leave right away? I know I've had relationships with no kids and it was difficult for me to leave. Maybe it could give you an opportunity to talk about it. Could you ask your DS19 to come to T with you to discuss this? Have you tried asking him to stay with you since he has no place else to go? Or maybe suggest resources he can use to find his own place to live or stay?

This sounds like a tough situation. I don't think you sound whiny at all. This is especially difficult when it feels like you are alone in it.

Just keep letting the kids know that you are there for them when they want to talk or see you. Just keep reminding them that your love is unconditional. It could be that them staying with uNPDx will help them to realize what is going on. Maybe they want to find out for themselves what living with him means. I've heard that many alienated kids eventually understand what was going on and become angry with the alienating parent.  Maybe just remind them that they are welcome back at your place at any time.

[sevenyears]

You do not sound whiny at all. You do sound like you're grieving. I don't have much advice to offer except continue trying to be there for them. Can you go visit? Invite DS19 to stay with you at a hotel in his city for a couple of nights? You would still be showing him tough love by letting him live with the consequences of his choices, while showing him that you are still there for him and that he still has another choice (to turn to you for support) when he is ready.

[Free2Bme]

thanks all,
Finding so many things cause me to break down; moms and sons shopping, or having conversation at a restaurant, see DS's stuff or pictures around my house, old bikes and balls out in the back yard, chattering around me while I make dinner, friends discussing their sons.  My 4 kids were all really close pre-divorce, udNPDx has wreaked havoc on relationships with each other and me, I feel cheated out of precious years.

Is this the price tag for breaking free from utter torment, only to lose relationships with those I was trying to protect???     Sometimes this feels like some cruel cosmic joke that has been played on me and my kids.  But my faith informs me differently, and so I persevere. . 

My boys have no clue that I am a wreck, I never let on.  Not sure they can handle it, (or should have to). 

athene-  haven't asked T about broaching conversation w DS,  T would probably say "DS already knows why you left,  DS will bring out his laundry list of grievances"....but I can ask DS if he'd be willing to come to T w/me I had not considered that, great suggestion.  Maybe after this experience he will be receptive. 

as Poison Ivy said, "their brains are not developed completely yet"  ...very true.  Meantime, I am sensitive to when he will be able to handle these topics without escalating. 

seven-  If money were no object, I would get him some basic housing for a limited time 3-6 mo, with the understanding that he gets his stuff together.  But, not an option for me financially.  Visiting is expensive and difficult  as I have two DD, am a FT student in an accelerated program, and got  a lot of plates spinning on the homefront    I may be able to swing a visit for a couple nights though. 

Ideally, I would bring him home.  However, he treated me very badly before I had to tell to go.  There is no Dx, but some PD traits and a slew of cognitive distortions.  Not sure how much of his behavior is fleas, stress of the marathon divorce, being the family SG, his dad's triangulations, etc. 
A part of me feels like I need to protect myself and the peace I have. 
 
Strangely, although 19DS blames and simmers, he always responds to every text I send, and is usually polite and , since I asked him to go. T says he is responding to my boundary, a good sign. My other DS however now keeps me on red or ghosts me.  When I do talk w 17DS, he starts out fine, but becomes irritable, abrasive, angry sounding in general, like he's either wound tight from with living with NPD F, depressed, under extreme pressure with F, and/or is entitled because F lets him get away with murder.  Probably a combination.  Ugggghhhh.....

I pray they will see the truth and for restored relationships
...thanks for hearing me.

[Poison Ivy]

This:  "A part of me feels like I need to protect myself and the peace I have. " You know that saying about parents (adults) putting on their own oxygen masks first? It's true!  If you fall apart, there won't be a possibility that you'll be able to help your children, if they decide they want you back in their lives.

[Arkhangelsk]

I am so deeply sorry.

It must be devastatingly hard to keep calling and texting and loving on your older two.  Bravo to you.  If that is what you can do right now, then just keep sending out those love beams.

I suspect you need to give yourself a giant pile of compassion.  You did your best.  You got out when you could.  You are raising the younger two and you are available to the older two if and when they are ready.  You have my compassion and that of other readers here.  Take a big deep breath and see if you can find it for yourself.  You poor thing.  I am so sorry.