Family Scapegoat

[Tricia64]

I am mostly writing because I tried to get together with my sister.  Honestly, I get so lonely.  But I end up back in the same situation.  I keep hoping for it to change but it never does.

Truthfully, I am the one that contacts them.  But I start to talk to my sister for five minutes and I am done (mentally).  Then, not too long after I explode.  I keep coming back because I want it to be different.  It is just so hard to not have a family.

It is so hard to believe that they could actually be as cruel as they are being.  They literally take no responsibility for their behavior.  Never.  Honestly, it makes me crazy feeling.  I know I am hitting head against the wall but I just keep doing it.

The thing is it is really starting to mess with feelings of reality.  I don't know how someone could be so cruel to blame you for their stuff.  I almost feel like I could lose my mind.

I kept thinking of quote from War Games used here about best move being not to play.

Whatever I said to my sister, she said something negative to me back while she raved about my other sisters I hadn't talked to.  I am like "How can someone be like this?"  I really am at least grateful I am starting to understand.

All I could think of when my sister was talking was like being in elementary school and someone makes you feel like an outsider.  And I thought how can my own adult sister treat me like a peer in elementary.

The thing is I have bombarded them with stuff about scapegoating.  One of my sister just calls me delusional.

The funny thing I think is if you had someone on a witness stand where they had to answer questions, they couldn't do it.  Of course my sisters would run out crying how they were treated unfairly.

Sorry for the long complaint.  I just feel so hurt.  I still can't picture the rest of my life without them.

[bloomie]

Tricia64 - I can hear through your words how much you are hurting and how none of this makes sense. I get that. If we could get an honest answer and have a straightforward conversation then in my mind at least, there is hope of keeping something of the relationship.

The thing is, with my own disordered loved ones, I have found the way they "do" family and relationships is often invalidating, scapegoating, and cruel. And it is all done in a mean spirited, covert kind of way that cuts to the bone and has at times left me terribly confused and isolated. 

I found that offering information and continuing to put myself out there to them when they have behaved unkindly to me was insuring further hurt and harm. The reality for me, is that the relationships I long for and am willing to work toward are not possible because it takes more than one person to build trusting, supportive, respectful, and honoring family relationships and systems.

A couple of things that have helped me that might be of help to you is to take a time out and get some help sorting through why I believe that I will be alone if I disengage from the toxic ways of a disordered family system. I needed some time and distance to get some perspective and begin to heal.

Part of what I had to ask myself is why I thought acceptance from this group of people was my only hope of having a loving circle of people around me.

One of the difficult parts of coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt for me has been letting go of how I thought things would be or should be within family relationships. It is sad and can be lonely and yet we can also find freedom and begin to rebuild our lives and close intimate circle with a small group of people who are able to show love, are respectful and emotionally mature, and have a reasonable level of reciprocity in the relationship with us.

It is possible to move your family members who have continually hurt you to a lower level of contact and to reduce the angst and confusion this is bringing to your heart and life. It really is. And I say that because I absolutely know from first hand experience what it is to pretty much lose almost everyone and to begin again.

You do not have to be the scapegoat any longer because you are possibly compelled to reconnect because of extreme loneliness. Find opportunities to connect with others, get some distance, find a T to talk this through with, join a social group or a local faith community, take the energy and time you are giving to those who are acting like mean girls on the school yard to something that brings joy and a sense of agency and accomplishment or to people who are kind and good hearted.

Keep taking steps forward and trusting your path. Healing and peace is ahead for you. I just know it is!

[Tricia64]

Thank you so much Bloomie for your thoughtful reply.

The thing is that is so new to me that I am being scapegoated.  I always had arguments and kind of made up (just talked again - nothing really resolved).  But I always felt like it was my fault even if one of my sisters basically started it.

But once I saw the Narcisstic Abuse online and family scapegoat it fit like key in a lock and made complete sense to me.

One thing is that I have been sending emails and saying all the things my sisters do that is abusive.  I feel so hurt by them I don't even know if I could ever go back.

But all of a sudden one of my sisters wrote that she loved me and missed talking to me.  I have been so hurt by her in my life that my feelings have turned to hate.  She has been messing with me and this just came out of the blue.  I wrote that I hated her now but I never got back a response.

I don't have a lot of money but I have probably more than any of them.  So I said out of anger that I was going to a lawyer and removing them and they would never get a penny from me.  I would not normally even say such a thing but I was so upset.

But later, I started to wonder if my sister even sent the thing about loving me because what I said about the will.  I thought maybe she really understood finally what she has done to me, but later it hit me that she has never done this ever.  I am horrified to think that would be her reason.  She never sent anything back when I said I hater her now.

I am getting horrified that she is thinking of the money and that is the reason she wrote what she did.  She was saying lousy stuff yesterday and I kind of find it hard to believe that she had an epiphany.  I am so beyond lost.

[Malini]

Tricia64,

It took me ages to see the true colours of my family and I spent a long time thinking I could fix my relationships with them.

I agree with Bloomie  that it's probably a good time for you to take a step back and take a "time out" for your own wellbeing. The back and forth, the non-communication and the blame game are so draining on us and sometimes it helps to push "pause" in order to find some clarity in what has been going on.

I grew up thinking family members always had each other's backs and would only want good things for each other and it took me a long time to accept that all of my FOO had their own best interests at heart and no one truly cared about me, other than how I could be helpful to/serve their interests. It's a harsh and painful realisation and therapy helped me work through this and supported me as I lowered contact to the point of NC with my family members.

You don't have to go NC with them, or if you do, it doesn't have to last forever. What's important is that you take care of yourself and limit the damage they are having on you by putting some space between you while you figure out the next steps.

[Tricia64]

Dear Malini,

Thank you so much for your response.

I guess I am just having such a hard time accepting all of it.  I keep thinking of DBT and the logical mind and the emotional mind.  I think you can know something logically yet it seems so unreal emotionally.  I guess that is the point I am at right now anyway.

Also, I can't help thinking that it doesn't have to be like this.  And even though I get the scapegoat thing, I can't believe they could let me suffer the way that I have suffered.  All three of my sisters know how alone I am and not one of them really seems to care.  They have made my time of grief 100 times worse. 

Also, I can't help thinking maybe it is my fault.  But I think if people really loved you, they would at least to check and see you are ok.  I truly am heartbroken and trying to figure my way out.

[Lilyloo]

Tricia64  :bighug
I hear your pain. I hope all the replies can help you. Always remember you are not alone. I can only tell you that in my case, it got to the point that if I did not step back I was going to become ill. I hope you can step back and tell yourself how very important you are and that you matter, your happiness and peace of mind matter!

I think as scapegoats we finally see the light and break away. I feel your hurt that they don't check in. Mine never do,  even if I tell them I'm at rock bottom, which I told GC a few months ago. He never has bothered to check in.  This is painful Tricia, I know.  I am sorry you are going through this 

I have brothers but my situation is very much like yours. I am now VLC.  They don't get it and for me trying to make them understand was draining. Please take care of 'you' and remember every day that you deserve better.

[Tricia64]

Thank you so much Lindaloo.  I am so sorry for how you have been feeling.  I hope you are feeling at least somewhat better now.  I know feelings like take a long time to heal.

It is funny.  I am almost starting to feel like dead inside.  I mean I def. don't want to feel that way.  Numbness helps but I def. don't want it to be permanent.

I actually just went on FB to look up something (really did want to find something I didn't find anyway).  Long story short, looked at people's pages.  But again, I almost feel dead looking.  But I looked at my brother's page and I started thinking I basically don't even exist to him.  I am glad for numbness over anger but I just feel in like shock.  I think, I did nothing to deserve being treated like this, but I basically don't exist to people who are my family.  It is a truly horrible feeling.  I def. won't keep going on FB but I am kind of glad I did.  It showed me the reality of the situation.  It is very painful, but if I want to try to have any decent life I really need to understand what is the reality of my life.  Even on my niece's page, you would not even know our side of the family exists.  It is horrible to be treated like a nothing by people.

But truthfully, I feel like it really says a lot about the people in my life.  But I keep thinking back to the eighties song "Careless Whisper" - There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find.

[Lilyloo]

I think numbness is a way of coping. I feel numb often and it's not a bad thing. when it's to protect our own self. I think it's better than anger, for me it is.

It is sad to be treated that way. I hope you can find some joy in other things. I have had to do that.  I said to myself what are the things that used to bring me joy and I made a list. I took a full day to look into those things, music, nature, art,  I spent time on you tube listening to my favorite music. I looked up art pages on FB and added them to my likes, so each day I pick out a beautiful cottage picture or cabin and post it just for me.  I set my page as private.  We often lose who we are in worrying about others. Family, friends, we just can't make them be who we want.

I tossed expectations a few months ago, still its hard to reason or understand.  I just know, you and I and all that are hurting here are important, and we cant let others define us.



I knew I had to find my way back from sadness and not let my mother who could care less occupy my mind. My brothers the two that are left just are very selfish. I often think they have much going on, stress and such that they don't give other things a thought. It's easier to look at it this way then to stay hurt. 

I agree you need to know the reality of it all and then take it from there. You deserve a decent happy life!  I'm cheering for you!! 

[Tricia64]

Thank you so much LindaLoo.  It feels better to have people that understand.

I totally blew it last night and sent emails and was fighting with my sisters all day by email.  I know when I do this I am becoming the problem, but I just feel so alone. 

I enjoy so many of things you talk about.  I am so glad you are finding happiness.  I just end up feeling so overwhelmed with loneliness that I lash out.  I so end up looking and acting like the crazy one.  I am so scared because I almost feel like I am losing a sense even of myself.  I feel like even if I was what they say I am, you wouldn't want anyone to be so alone as I am.

I started saying something to my sister about how she screamed at me once and she acted like she didn't remember.  I hardly ever confronted her before so now i am saying things.  But she just totally lies.  I am not even sure if she did remember it.

She rages on the phone with passive aggressive remarks.  I said today it is not normal to do that.  She said back, "I was just venting.  No one else would think that is abnormal but you."

Honestly, I start to think "Is she right?"  "Am I just self-centered?"

She is my sister closest in age to me.  I mistakenly hoped against hope we could make up for this older part of our lives.  But she has no clue how she has acted or doesn't care.  I almost feel like I got hit by a freight train.

I'm sorry.  I don't see how people can seem to see things so differently.

I am cheering for you too

[Drawing_boundaries]

The thing is, with my own disordered loved ones, I have found the way they "do" family and relationships is often invalidating, scapegoating, and cruel. And it is all done in a mean spirited, covert kind of way that cuts to the bone and has at times left me terribly confused and isolated. 

This is sage advice! I am the family scape goat and everything you have written in your original post resonated with me.
I found it really important to put self care measures in place when I first became aware of the pattern of abuse and triangulation within my FOO. I would try not to return missed calls/text/emails for a set period of time (Starting at 1 hour) to give myself time to process the information (& crazy making blame games going on). Slowly I realised those small breaks between interactions gave me more clarity & I started to come out of the FOO.

I also hear you on the loneliness. I am NC and am going through a particularly difficult emotional time as I process my FOO emotions. I have had so much support on the forums that have bolstered me in difficult times.

Proud of you for reaching out and starting to give voice to your suspicions about your FOO.

[Hopelessly stuck]

When You finally realize that you are the family Scapegoat it is hard no one wants to believe that a family would treat loved ones like they do. At first I was gobsmacked by All the bad memories.

The hardest thing to do however is to dismiss the tapes playing in Your head about the statements made put there from a lifetime of the "Bad qualities" your family attributed to You.
For example: I have been working on starting an online presence selling items online. UNPD Mom says stuff like "You'll Never get that done." uNPD Sis says " No one should be on the Internet as long as You computers are a waste of time." It goes on and on. I paralyzes me. I know  I have a good eye for stuff to sell. I have studied eBay and was the number 5 writer on a question forum. Why then do I panic when I try and list? I am listening to the tapes in My head, instead of listening to myself. Some of these tapes are so strong that We don't even know ourselves.

I was always told by the family what a bad driver I am. I hated to drive and would just let everyone else drive. Now, after thinking about it I am NOT a bad driver and I am a good driver! I like to drive now. Situations that scared me before I manage with ease.

I have also set boundaries with people that are negative towards me. I also defend Myself instead of being quiet and letting things go. I state my opinion and drop it and never discuss it again. I am learning not to bear my soul to my family. It becomes ammunition to use against me at a later time. I have learned to analyze what people are saying and why they are saying it. Many statements have hidden agendas.

A example of that would be uNPD Mom gets upset when I encourage or talk to people in public. I still do talk to people in stores and have decided *od has given me this gift and I help many people; some are lonely and just need to talk, others are having problems and it is easier to talk to a stranger than to get advice from family members; others just need a word of encouragement. My uNPD Mom hates it because she doesn't feel comfortable either making friends or socializing. So I am a thorn in her flesh so to speak. She picks on me for every person I talk to. Yesterday I talked to a girl about my recovery from the abuse by my family. She told me she was mentally ill, asked her if she was abused as a child, she said "Yes" I discussed how the inner child could help her get better. She thanked me afterwards for talking with her. I felt good about helping her. I don't hear the tapes anymore from My mom.

As you get better you will meet "new"friends that will take up the lonely times. Make yourself get up and get moving. Think of things YOU like to do and look in community papers in your area and find things to do.

I know the suggestions I give are basic. The hard part for me is to discipline myself to do them. I am going to my first Therapy appointment today...Ignoring the tapes that FOO has planted in My head about therapy. I Am doing it because I need it for myself. I am beyond thinking that I will embarrass someone in my family. They are so perfect you know! Hugs,

[Tricia64]

Thanks so much for the advice.

I know exactly what you mean about the tapes.  I just realized recently exactly what you said.  I actually talk back to myself now with positive self talk because of exactly what you said.  I freeze completely making decisions.  I have to talk myself through it.

I am just stunned beyond belief how cruel my family has been.

Wishing everyone well.