Buffer or enabler?

[Cat of the Canals]

For decades, I've participated in family activities with my PDmil, often in the spirit of being a "buffer" between her and my husband. She has a history of better behavior when there is a spouse/partner present. Not good behavior, by any means, but less "targeted," if that makes sense.

And actually, the more I've thought about this, the more I've recalled that the handful of times my husband was around his mother without me, there was often a period of NC after, because her behavior had offended him so thoroughly.

Old Me felt like the logical solution was to always make myself available as the buffer, but recently New Me had the thought that maybe all I was really doing was lending credence to the bogus "Happy Family" narrative. All this time, I've told myself I was helping, but now I'm kind of angry at myself for willingly playing along this long. I can't say no on H's behalf, as much as I'd like to, but I can refuse to be a party to MIL's manipulations.

I've started trying to prepare him for this. I've stated several times that if she visits again, I'm not really interested in playing hostess and going on outings the way we have during previous visits. He's free to do whatever he wants, but I'm pretty much done with her.

There's part of me that still feels guilty for "abandoning" him. I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for her behavior. I also wonder if this will end up being the first step from VVLC to VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVLC or even NC for H, because it's pretty much guaranteed that she will lash out at him once it becomes clear that I'm not playing my part in the sham anymore.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Interesting. Is a visitation immanent?

Good for you, though, just being done with it all. Two adults don't need a babysitter. I wouldn't be hard on you though, for trying to be helpful. Even for years. I think it's natural to try to have good relationships amongst family members, and people can take a beat to realize when the situation can't be saved, or even that the cost is just too high. It takes some serious awareness, bravery, honesty to just step back and let the wheels fall off of a lifelong established pattern. And when you're coming from crazy and really want to be accepted and loved in this new family, double that. Even DIL's in relatively normal families do a fair amount of going along to get along. And of course you want to take care of your DH! All that is natural and good, but it when it gets to be not good for us, then it's time to "change the steps to the dance," and you know it now.

[NarcKiddo]

If you are maintaining boundaries and protecting yourself while doing this playing along then I think you are a buffer, not an enabler. I don't think there is anything wrong with diluting the company of a PD person or being prepared to act as a buffer to make life easier for someone you love. However, there is also nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to be a buffer any more. You've been preparing H for this, so it is not as if you are suddenly pulling the rug out from under him without warning.

[treesgrowslowly]

My 2 cents. I don't think there is anything wrong with how you've approached this situation - in the past nor the present.

I love how Call me Cordelia called it babysitting for 2 adults. So apt lol!

Given what I've lived and learned, it makes perfect sense - years ago, as the insightful person that you are, you wisely noted that your MIL behaves better when you're there vs. when you are not there. So back then you saw that you could prevent your DH from being treated even worse, and that was kind of you.

Emotionally immature people are on their 'good girl' behavior under certain conditions, and for her, if you were around, she was on her 'better' behavior. (as you referenced, it's not healthy behavior by any stretch but it is less intense targeting).

Lindsay Gibson talks about EIPs and how yes, they can 'stretch' and be on "good" behavior for a while (i.e. while you and your DH were visiting) but her base personality can't change. She will revert / regress back to her true EIP state once she's done being on her good behavior.

(Jerry Wise talks about how parents will expect their adult children to regress into being their child again, rather than their adult self. I wonder if that is happens when your DH was with his mom "unsupervised").

It was kind of you to give your time to this for as long as you did. Those of us with empathy - we are the ones who are willing and able to help nurture or attempt to nurture the relationships in our families. We want people to get along and have good experiences, and when we are younger we have the energy to help with this!

As I get older, I find that is a factor. I just don't have the extra energy to help everyone else out with their 'relationship projects' anymore. In other words, my spouse is on their own to figure out dynamics with their parents. But when I was younger I did have the energy for their dramas. 

You are wise to note that your MIL is very likely to have an emotionally immature reaction to your decision. Is there any other kind for people who are emotionally immature??? 

You do you - as the kids say these days!! You did more than most people would have, and its on DH to figure out how long to visit his mom from now on. I mean, the truth is, DH has an immature uPD mom. He has a role to play in sorting out how he wants to deal with that. You did your best and there's no shame in doing what you did for all those years. And there's no shame in saying "yeah, I'm moving on now".

I think my new motto in life is going to be something about "we can't make PD's or EIP's grow up and we can only babysit them for so long" (ok, this slogan needs work lol).

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

Interesting. Is a visitation immanent?

Nothing definitive yet, but I know it's inevitable. H's POV is that the relationship is broken beyond repair and ultimately pointless, but he doesn't want all of the fallout drama that would result from going NC. I can understand that, though I personally think he'd be better off with a clean break. As it stands, he's "OK" with a brief monthly phone call and a visit here and there.

Another thing is that I had a sort of flashback that I'd mostly forgotten about. Many years ago, I was out of town, and I called H one evening to talk. He managed to get out, "My mom came here today," and then he burst into tears. The only other times I've seen him cry were when someone died. I still don't know what she said to him that day, but I keep thinking about it. I strongly believe that withdrawing further is the right choice -- I am unwilling to have a relationship with someone who treats my family that way -- but I'm scared to see him hurt again like that.

It takes some serious awareness, bravery, honesty to just step back and let the wheels fall off of a lifelong established pattern.

Thank you for this. "Letting the wheels fall off" is an apt way to describe it and probably why it makes me so uncomfortable, as well. The urge to be the fixer, standing by with superglue and duct tape, is strong.

I don't think there is anything wrong with diluting the company of a PD person or being prepared to act as a buffer to make life easier for someone you love.

I appreciate that. I also realize this is a standard I wouldn't hold anyone else to, so it's unfair to hold myself to it.

(Jerry Wise talks about how parents will expect their adult children to regress into being their child again, rather than their adult self. I wonder if that is happens when your DH was with his mom "unsupervised").

We were just talking about the idea that our PD parents are more comfortable seeing us as children vs. adults, and I think you just added the missing piece. I legitimize the adult version of him. She can't fully treat him like a child when I'm there -- that would be silly, because children don't have spouses. But when I'm not there, she reverts to parent-child roles.

In fact, another time I wasn't there (I was visiting my family for the day), she said, "Well, since Cat isn't here, I was thinking you'd come with me to [her hometown, 6 hours away]." This would have been a trip lasting several days, and not something she'd brought up before. (Also notice she didn't ask if he wanted to go.) She genuinely thought that since I wasn't there, he would have no choice but to drop everything and go with her on an unplanned trip.

[square]

In fact, another time I wasn't there (I was visiting my family for the day), she said, "Well, since Cat isn't here, I was thinking you'd come with me to [her hometown, 6 hours away]." This would have been a trip lasting several days, and not something she'd brought up before. (Also notice she didn't ask if he wanted to go.) She genuinely thought that since I wasn't there, he would have no choice but to drop everything and go with her on an unplanned trip.

My husband noticed something similar with his mother. She seems to think I own him and grudgingly cedes to that, but would demand he would visit her when I was out of town.

Like he had nothing else to do or something. Like in your case, there was zero regard to what he wanted, it was just "since square is away" etc.

[Poison Ivy]

My late father-in-law saw me as competition for the attention of his son, my former husband. I withdrew from the competition. My ex told me that his dad cried when ex told him that I had filed for divorce. FIL's lack of self-knowledge and lack of understanding of others were substantial.

[bloomie]

Cat - I think about the years your presence and strength have been a way of diluting the toxicity of your mil's behaviors and how that has served as a protection for your DH. I am wondering, if you have finally reached a saturation point with the dysfunction between the two of them?

It is generous and kind to love and support your DH navigate tricky visits with his mother. And yet, facing the undiluted reality of who your mil is, and how she relates to her son, is part of the work those of us with disordered parents have had to do to get to healing. I suggest that maybe your sensing your DH is strong enough, or needs to empower himself, to figure out what is healthy for him in relationship with his mom. All on his own.

And then you could have ease as you shift your support to what he has chosen is best and right for him? It seems you both might be ready for a more proactive, painfully honest look at the dynamics and settle on new limits and boundaries that protect you both.

In my own case, at first, I unknowingly mitigated the potential damage my own mil could inflict and diffused the chaos and stress she brought with each and every visit and interaction. In time, much like you, I took a loving and protective stance because dealing with high conflict people and thinking on my feet comes much easier to me than it does to my DH. He is a freezer. I am a recovering fawner.  

Playing to our strengths, or accommodating our trauma responses in order to get along, was what we did to avoid further trauma when our babies were tiny and we were in survival mode with life and all the intense demands and changes, but in time, we outgrew the need to engage in that way and the toll it was taking on me was far greater than I could've realized. So, I worry for the ultimate cost of this to you if you continue as a buffer.

I feel certain, this far down the road, that my own DH would say that it is important for your DH to feel his feelings and see things as they truly are with you by his side as a comfort and support as he decides what he wants going forward.

Just my thoughts. Hugs to you and sending you strength and wisdom in a very painful and challenging situation.

[Cat of the Canals]

She seems to think I own him and grudgingly cedes to that, but would demand he would visit her when I was out of town.

Yes, that sounds incredibly similar. Combined with other behavior, I don't think my MIL can see him as an individual at all. It's like she thinks we're all on 24-hour standby waiting for her to swoop in and assign us a mission or task.

FIL's lack of self-knowledge and lack of understanding of others were substantial.

Spot on. MIL is always desperately trying to have family time, but she's so petty and dismissive and passive aggressive when we're together that I always want to say, "Why do you want to spend time with us when you don't even like us?" My PDmom at least does us the favor of pretending, which is honestly icky in its own way, but at least there's a logic to it.

I suggest that maybe your sensing your DH is strong enough, or needs to empower himself, to figure out what is healthy for him in relationship with his mom. All on his own.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think this is a lot of it. On some level, he is still afraid of her the way he was when he was a little boy. He's said before that she instilled in him a belief that he could "never get away from her." Part of him still believes that, and I think a lot of his decisions stem from it. Maybe if he sees me wriggle free from her grasp, he'll be inspired to try it out for himself.  Or at least to reevaluate their relationship on his own terms.