Hes done this in the past but I must admit I am concerned about his mental state....
Those of you who've read my other posts will know what hes like. It all came to a head a few weeks ago, when his cousin said "no Im not taking you to hospital any more". This was after 2-3 fake hospital (inc 4-5 hour wait). Good I said. So Dad asked me - No I won't be doing it either. If its an emergency I'm sure an ambulance will take you or pay for a taxi (of course he refuses to pay for a taxi but my argument is well you can't be that ill then if you're more concerned about £10).
So hes become OBSESSED that someone needs to be around to "take him to hospital". Weird or what? No-one plans it in advance. Really really obsessed.
Last 2 visits have been him basically going on about it - I just said no no no I am not taking you.
Hes done this before too. I noticed it last few phone calls. He doesnt put the phone down properly and when I phone him and say "OK I'll see you later" when Im visiting he says something like "Oh thank you God hes coming". Now this is freaking me out a bit that hes so obsessed with things these days that hes praying to get divine help to make sure I visit.
I mean come on. I'm a little concerned about his mental state to be honest. I would say now that 99% of his thinking is him going on about how ill he is and trying to ensure someone is around to help him. I guess its the narc supply he can't cope with.
Reality is hes not that ill AT ALL. Hes just cancelled his carer (it was free for 6 weeks then he had to pay so that was that). Oh I suppose part of that 99% is thinking how NOT to spend any money at all....
Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.
Is this normal to be so obsessed?
Nothing's normal about your dad. Based on everything you have said on this forum indicates that he has a PD. He is currently reaping what he has down (the other family member has pulled back, finally, and you have started setting boundaries) He no longer has supply. That is his problem, not ageing. He is panicking and is trying to emmesh you into looking after him through uberwaifing and emotional blackmail. That is not normal l
The ONLY thing you can do is to see this for what it is and take tbe appropriate action to not get dragged into this drama.
Quote from: Boat Babe on June 23, 2022, 03:00:55 AM
Nothing's normal about your dad. Based on everything you have said on this forum indicates that he has a PD. He is currently reaping what he has down (the other family member has pulled back, finally, and you have started setting boundaries) He no longer has supply. That is his problem, not ageing. He is panicking and is trying to emmesh you into looking after him through uberwaifing and emotional blackmail. That is not normal l
The ONLY thing you can do is to see this for what it is and take tbe appropriate action to not get dragged into this drama.
Yes I know and I'm not getting involved...... You're right hes now pushed away tons of family members and friends with his behaviour. Now no-one will do a thing for him because of his attitude.
Even last night, I rushed to finish work, rushed to sort the kids, rushed to the supermarket for him, rushed to drive the 25 miles to him then he has a go that I'm 15 mins later than I said I'd be! OMG its no wonder no-one offers him a ride any more.
I think its the massive obsessions hes got now that freaks me out a bit. I mean, yeh hes religious (I've always wondered how that tied up with ability to treat people like complete crap but there we go) but being so obsessed you feel the need to pray just to get someone to visit is a bit scary!
I think my Dad is even using God here for his narc supply! I wonder if God will get annoyed with his moaning like everyone else has!
Is this normal to be so obsessed ? This is a rhetorical question , no?
What Boat Babe said 100% .
Again to reiterate its about maintaining supply (narc) part of which is having control and power over someone and hes panicking cos he feels hes losing this power forever. Hes tried everything in the playbook. It happened to my Dad. It isnt a pleasant experience. But you know all this dont you?
Maybe there will be a divine intervention if he prays more etc. ( I went to Church at Easter and the retiring vicar was happily telling the congregation during the sermon how God had been talking to him ?? ) Maybe your Dad could get his number for a direct chat?
What Hazy and Boat Babe said.
Your father has plenty of options for transportation. He simply doesn't like that they cost a little money. He has plenty of money to pay for it. So too bad, so sad.
Please try not to fret about your father's weird PD behavior. Think of him as a tantruming child who isn't getting candy whenever he wants it. This "child" isn't actually a child and isn't your responsibility. He's not helpless at all. Try to focus on your and your family. :bighug:
Quote from: p123 on June 23, 2022, 02:53:51 AM
Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.
Is this normal to be so obsessed?
Of course not. Sadly, I am afraid it is also probably not at all rare, especially in quite elderly folks. Whatever his real ailments, or their severity, your father seems to be suffering some dementia at this point. He's banging his head against the wall, with the same complaints, some of them fake and most exagerated. You can see he never takes real steps to change anything: getting the hearing aids or accepting the home care, or whatever. He just cries for help over and over, even when some of his complaints appear baseless. The unfortunate part is that you and other people close to him pay the price. You've taken steps in the last year to reduce the price you have to pay, and that your family has to pay, and that only pushes him further into his darkness.
Remember though, My Stuff / Your Stuff (//http://).
I agree there could well be some dementia in the mix now. That probably makes it harder to deal with for you (it would for me because I would be tempted to think an element of dementia makes it not all his fault any more). You really need to think about how you protect yourself from getting sucked back in. Bottom line is he has cried Wolf so many times and nobody can be expected to keep running to his aid - even if it turns out that on one occasion he actually needs it. And to be honest, if he actually needs to get help you know he has the means to get it and pay for it.
It wouldn't be surprising to find out that your dad is in the early stages of dementia, although it could just be his NPD along with some normal age-related decline. In any case, I have found that the tools we use to deal with PDs work pretty well with dementia, too. The most important for me seem to be 1. medium chill and 2. don't JADE. You already know that trying to logically explain things to your dad doesn't work. If he has dementia, his ability to follow and agree with your logic will only get worse. Keep doing what has been working for you - "sorry, dad, I can't come down to see you today, but we'll see if we can make that work another time" and then change the subject. Don't feel obligated to answer the phone and/or call back right away. Do exactly what you feel you want to do - no more - and then try to distance yourself and not feel guilty. You can't fix him - he is reaping what he sowed and that, along with old age, is what is happening here.
Quote from: Hazy111 on June 23, 2022, 06:43:12 AM
Is this normal to be so obsessed ? This is a rhetorical question , no?
What Boat Babe said 100% .
Again to reiterate its about maintaining supply (narc) part of which is having control and power over someone and hes panicking cos he feels hes losing this power forever. Hes tried everything in the playbook. It happened to my Dad. It isnt a pleasant experience. But you know all this dont you?
Maybe there will be a divine intervention if he prays more etc. ( I went to Church at Easter and the retiring vicar was happily telling the congregation during the sermon how God had been talking to him ?? ) Maybe your Dad could get his number for a direct chat?
Im still always amazed at just how far he will go though.,.....
Quote from: Starboard Song on June 23, 2022, 08:25:09 AM
Quote from: p123 on June 23, 2022, 02:53:51 AM
Basically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice. In practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.
Is this normal to be so obsessed?
Of course not. Sadly, I am afraid it is also probably not at all rare, especially in quite elderly folks. Whatever his real ailments, or their severity, your father seems to be suffering some dementia at this point. He's banging his head against the wall, with the same complaints, some of them fake and most exagerated. You can see he never takes real steps to change anything: getting the hearing aids or accepting the home care, or whatever. He just cries for help over and over, even when some of his complaints appear baseless. The unfortunate part is that you and other people close to him pay the price. You've taken steps in the last year to reduce the price you have to pay, and that your family has to pay, and that only pushes him further into his darkness.
Remember though, My Stuff / Your Stuff (//http://).
To be honest, a lot of it is like you said. Dad has an idea in his head that the world works like A when hes so out of touch its more like B.
In his head, family jump when you ask them. Cabs/taxis are not to be used because they are not for "working people". Doctors you visit they give you a pill and you are cured.
Quote from: NarcKiddo on June 23, 2022, 09:22:35 AM
I agree there could well be some dementia in the mix now. That probably makes it harder to deal with for you (it would for me because I would be tempted to think an element of dementia makes it not all his fault any more). You really need to think about how you protect yourself from getting sucked back in. Bottom line is he has cried Wolf so many times and nobody can be expected to keep running to his aid - even if it turns out that on one occasion he actually needs it. And to be honest, if he actually needs to get help you know he has the means to get it and pay for it.
Oh the not paying really gets my goat.....
So he wants me to sack off work at short notice, drive 30 mins to him to drive him 10 mins to hospital. Sit there with him for 4-5 hours (so I can listen out for his name being called because he can't hear it - HEARING AID!!!) just to save him £10-£15 in a taxi. And he thinks this is OK?
I don't get paid if I'm not working either and for half a day its a lot more than £15 it'd cost me!!!!
To be honest, if he'd never done it and it was genuine it'd be something but I know its 99% chance another wild goose chase....
With Dad though, he gets a warm fuzzy feeling when he knows hes got someone bang to rights on the hook waiting for his command. This is the important thing for him.
Of course, as everyone says, hes panicking now because hes burned through all his friends and family with his behaviour. So he went back to me this week and I re-iterated that NO I would not be taking him to hospital under any cirumstances. If it was a real emergency a proper ambulance would be better anyway or if it wasnt then if its not important enough to spend £15 on then hes not ill enough to even be there.
Which is why hes so upset now because he has no options left.
As you know I have similar with my UNPDDAD.
I've got to the happy stage now where I finally accepted all of the attempted histrionics, the constant illogical BS and the ridiculous expectations. I began to ignore them, and I went on happily with my life. I still see him, but it's now always on my terms.
Last time I got sucked back in was five years ago. Same with UNPDsister. Sister has responded with the silent treatment. With sister, it's been about a decade now! I would have loved a normal relationship but I finally realised it wasn't possible. I'd been caretaking her for a long time. She wanted me to carry on feeling responsible for her happiness. I resigned from the post.
I think your dad tries to do that with you. You don't have to feel his feelings, you don't even have to react to his feelings. In fact, reacting to his feelings, even adversely, can validate them for him and might strengthen them. You're not responsible for his feelings. It's hard not to be reactive, especially when they are directly critical of us. But once you stop reacting, you bow out of the dysfunctional dance. It feels weird at first and our conditioning of FOG tries to impose self shame on us for looking like we don't care.
That's the weapon in use. They employ this to keep us in check. Just step away.
I see that dementia is being brought up. People with dementia arent able to plan and manipulate and are cunning in their thought processes. Duplicitous and selective in their memory recall. This requires quite a sophisticated degree of mental cognition. This isnt dementia.
My Dad was 96 and had very little signs of definable dementia. He was getting a bit forgetful near the end admittedly but at 96 this was to be expected and was 90% deaf. Btw, selective deafness as we know is in the PD playbook
Im amazed sometimes that a forum dealing with PD and PD is staring right back at you, people prefer to look for an alternative. Its there hiding in plain site as the saying goes. Once you know the "telltales" you can pick it up easily if you are around someone for long enough. They cant put on an act forever and the mask can slip with those they are not intimately involved with. Maybe its because its a definable mental illness, Cluster B on the DSM . As Narckiddo said its easier to accept if its dementia. It isnt something they acquire with age, its been part of their personality since they were a small child. Its personality disorder, not age related mental deterioration.
That isnt to say PD people dont develop dementia. That double whammy is truly awful.
With Dad though, he gets a warm fuzzy feeling when he knows hes got someone bang to rights on the hook waiting for his command. This is the important thing for him.
It doesnt sound like dementia to me.
FWIW, my uPD father definitely had some cognitive decline in the last few years of his life. This was confirmed by doctors when he was in the hospital for the last two months of his life. They'd found evidence of mini-strokes. They wouldn't say if he had dementia, but tests indicated cognitive decline. He was the same grouchy, morose bully he'd been when he was healthier and younger.
The signs of cognitive impairment that I witnessed first hand were occasional confusion and trouble finding words. uPD father would want to go on a rant about something, lose his train of thought, and look lost and scared. During conversation (or what passes for conversation with a PD) he'd frequently stop and try to come up with the right word. Usually he couldn't and would substitute something else that usually made sense in context.
Since I was VLC I never witnessed this, but I am told that uPD father had double vision and dizziness sometimes from the mini-strokes.
Learning all of this after he was rushed to the hospital was quite a shock. enMom had enabled him to great lengths. It was a shitshow.
I think my late father-in-law had both: a personality disorder most of his life, some cognitive decline in his final year or two of life.
Did well last night
"Worse pain I've ever had" - I hear that about a different ailment every week. I just said "oh really"
"I can't cope with this I'll have to phone the doctor" - "Oh OK up to you".
"I'll have to call an AMBULANCE NOW!!!" - "OK let me know how it works out"
"So are you around this weekend?" - now I get this leading question all the time he means am I around to take him to hospital. "Run off my feet this weekend with the kids, wife working etc"
Then I said "So did you see the cricket last night?"
then it was "Oh ok speak soon bye"
Impressed? Just not getting involved any more at all.
Well done!🎉
"So are you around this weekend?" Got a version of that every Tuesday/Wednesday on the daily phone call . Always early in the week in case i had made no plans. :roll:
Well done, p123! :yourock:
Quote from: p123 on June 25, 2022, 12:21:30 AM
Did well last night
"Worse pain I've ever had" - I hear that about a different ailment every week. I just said "oh really"
"I can't cope with this I'll have to phone the doctor" - "Oh OK up to you".
"I'll have to call an AMBULANCE NOW!!!" - "OK let me know how it works out"
"So are you around this weekend?" - now I get this leading question all the time he means am I around to take him to hospital. "Run off my feet this weekend with the kids, wife working etc"
Then I said "So did you see the cricket last night?"
then it was "Oh ok speak soon bye"
Impressed? Just not getting involved any more at all.
You've done brilliantly! Medium chilled, then changed the topic, which got him off the phone! Fabulous!
Nice one. Good for you.
Got to be fair its nice now to think "I just don't care what your drama is".
Fully expect he'll escalate this somehow before the weekends up. I get the impression he cant do without.
QuoteBasically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice.
BWAHAHAHA! You just described my mother.
QuoteIn practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.
Sounds like he's only become obsessed with it since you told him "no". No, it's not "normal" - but it's normal for a PD. Mom was similarly enraged when I blocked her number and limited our communication to *only* once a day. Harped over and over on how she didn't really call me *that* often, she didn't mean to be a bother, she just couldn't help it and I needed to make allowances...
God, now I've got flashbacks...
Quote from: foobarred on June 26, 2022, 11:29:02 PM
QuoteBasically, Dad wants to not spend money, someone to magically fix his ailments, and for someone to available to do what he wants at a moments notice.
BWAHAHAHA! You just described my mother.
QuoteIn practical terms, this is never happening but hes obsessed over it all.
Sounds like he's only become obsessed with it since you told him "no". No, it's not "normal" - but it's normal for a PD. Mom was similarly enraged when I blocked her number and limited our communication to *only* once a day. Harped over and over on how she didn't really call me *that* often, she didn't mean to be a bother, she just couldn't help it and I needed to make allowances...
God, now I've got flashbacks...
Ha ha yep.
I remember him a few times saying my family "had to understand he needed me to help him". Which in Dad-speak meant "me first, me first, me first" and pretty much meant he expected me to cancel things with my kids in favour of him.
I remember he was in hospital one xmas - he loves being in hospital but he demanded I visit xmas day. Now the hospital is 45 mins away - he wanted me there something silly like 9am. I said "let me open presents with son first (he was 4 or 5) and I'll be there". His answer was "NO I want you there 9am you're son will have to understand and anyway there'll be other xmases".
I didnt go at 9am - I'd be divorced now if I did I think! Turned up at about 11ish and he wasnt happy.
Last nights call the same. Its like a game.
He gets on the phone, tells me how ill he is, then expects an answer from me. Last night he said he had problems with X and was Y related did I think?
Eh? I'm not a medical professional so no idea. (however, even I know theres nothing much wrong with him!)
I can't imagine how my life would be if I was a doctor. Jeez. My wifes a nurse and he used to constantly badger here (when they were speaking). Even then though she'd tell him straight and he'd ignore anyway.
Yeh so on the phone call I change the subject, he diverts it back to how ill he is. I honestly think he sits at home all day thinking "I'm so ill, I'm so ill, I'm so ill"
"Wow dad, it sounds like you're really ill. I guess I should let you go so you can call your doctor." ;)
Quote from: p123 on June 27, 2022, 04:15:59 AMHe gets on the phone, tells me how ill he is, then expects an answer from me. Last night he said he had problems with X and was Y related did I think?
Semi-serious suggestion: mess with him. It could go like this.
Dad: Oh, woe is me, the pain! [Describes symptoms]. What do you think it is?
You: Bubonic plague.
Dad: What? Are you daft? Of course it's not that!
You: Oh. Probably Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever then.
Dad: You can't be serious. I'm in distress here!
You: I'm not a doctor. Perhaps you should see a professional. Feel better soon, Dad. [hangs up]
You've done well to disengage. You kept it simple and polite. You got off the call in reasonable time. You didn't give in. In fact, bonus points for reporting it here as a positive experience!
I suggest that you keep it up. Nobody ever thought he would change overnight. Keep having the same compassionate but matter of fact conversation and that will be the end of it. Yes, it is a burden to do that, but you've affirmed you don't seek NC. So this is the low-cost option. You're doing great.
Quote from: Starboard Song on June 27, 2022, 03:21:52 PM
Nobody ever thought he would change overnight.
He won't change at all. p123 won't be able to change his dad, only his response to his dad. And indeed he is doing well.
Telling my father "I don't know what to tell you" seemed to take the wind out of his sails. Or I would ask "What do YOU plan on doing about it?"
Getting the hang of it now...
When he goes on and on about how ill he is I answer "oh right". When he asks what do I think about something I say "I dunno"
He recently cancelled his carers (because he'd have to pay) and I said "Up to you, you're the one who has to make that decision not me"
Well done P123. AND you're still being a compassionate son.
I think you are getting the hang of this. Never deviate. Keep putting it back on him to deal with. My father would want medical advice from me..."Dad, I'm not a doctor...what did your doctor say?".
Quote from: lkdrymom on July 06, 2022, 08:06:44 AM
I think you are getting the hang of this. Never deviate. Keep putting it back on him to deal with. My father would want medical advice from me..."Dad, I'm not a doctor...what did your doctor say?".
Yep. Did that again last night. Hes SO dramatic though - "I'm really struggling to cope with my back pain".
Speak to your doctor. There is just no need for all the drama to be honest.... Its just so obvious that its moaning for the sake of it rather than anything else.
(although once again hes decided he doesn't want to take the full dose of painkillers. Can imagine how that converation with his doctor might go.)
I have a back condition. I have a couple of chronic conditions. My back problems cut my career short.
I take non opioids and also I manage the pain through gentle movement. I do gentle yoga. It's fantastic. There are lots of exercise options. There is chair yoga. Also other exercises u can do just sitting in a chair. The GP would could provide a leaflet for him. He wouldn't have to go to a class.
I stopped taking opioids last year, and now take paracetamol instead, and I use my yoga to stay flexible and strong,
There are physiotherapists and chiropractors. I'm having physio atm.
The point is to accept your situation and then do what you can about it. If your dad wants to lessen his opioid intake, he can. But he must manage his back pain another way. Sitting for long periods isn't great for arthritis. Everything seizes up. I vary my movements throughout the day. I can't stand for long, but I'm okay walking for a while. So I accept these things about myself and plan my life accordingly.
I'm in my 60s, not my 80s. So I'm not an exact comparison. It must be hard for your dad, as it is for many octogenarians.
If we are lucky enough to reach his age, then more than likely it will be hard for us too.
The key is to accept the situation and make those choices that will best serve us.
Ranting about it is simply resisting reality. Calm acceptance also results in less pain! It just does!
No one can wave a magic wand for your dad. No one has to suffer for your dad's aging body and advancing aches and pains, least of all by jumping through his fiery hoops of resentment.
We will all grow old ( if we're lucky) and we all have it to face.
The key for me is whether there is a demand (implicit or explicit) attached to the complaints.
I am fine if a relative or friend says "ughh, my back has been hurting a lot recently, I don't know WHAT caused it, it's gotten to the point it's making it hard to get stuff done." And if all you have to do is MC some type of "oh no" or say "yeah my back was bad last year too and suddenly it just got better, hope that's how it ends up for you," and move on that's all fine and good. If there's no baggage I'll even listen to details about it. It's life, people talk about life.
But the moment there's any frustration, resentment that you didn't solve the problem, offer your services, lament at length over how awful it must be, or any expectation whatsoever other than being a basic conversational partner, that's toxic, manipulative, problematic.
:yeahthat:
Quote from: square on July 07, 2022, 12:52:41 PM
The key for me is whether there is a demand (implicit or explicit) attached to the complaints.
I am fine if a relative or friend says "ughh, my back has been hurting a lot recently, I don't know WHAT caused it, it's gotten to the point it's making it hard to get stuff done." And if all you have to do is MC some type of "oh no" or say "yeah my back was bad last year too and suddenly it just got better, hope that's how it ends up for you," and move on that's all fine and good. If there's no baggage I'll even listen to details about it. It's life, people talk about life.
But the moment there's any frustration, resentment that you didn't solve the problem, offer your services, lament at length over how awful it must be, or any expectation whatsoever other than being a basic conversational partner, that's toxic, manipulative, problematic.
Yeh I get that sometimes he wants to talk about it but he ALWAYS wants me to present him with a solution. I can't obviously.....
In the past, even when I've offered my advice he does the opposite so its pointless anyway.
In your case he doesn't want your advice. He wants you to swing into action.
When you're
Quote from: p123 on June 23, 2022, 02:53:51 AM
Is this normal to be so obsessed?
"People who suffer from HPD are sometimes accused of being a "drama queen" or "drama major". They are the people who grab the microphone, hog the limelight, always change the subject to themselves, behave outrageously, have tantrums and generally refuse to be ignored."
https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/histrionic-personality-disorder-hpd
It's not unusual for older people, whether or not they have personality disorders, to complain about their health and to want someone or something else to fix their health problems. I think it's okay to nod and smile (or look concerned) during conversations about these topics but to not feel compelled to offer solutions. People's bodies, and sometimes their minds, do deteriorate over time, and things that might have helped when an individual was younger (medications, surgery, physical therapy, etc.) are no longer as effective.
Todays classic. The outside light in his porch is broken, he lives in a flat that he rents....
"Can you call the housing company for me?"
I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?". Hes even said some stupid comment like "its playing on my mind I just want it fixed" which pretty much says it all with him (its one outside light, most people will report it, forget about it, maybe chase in a week or two if nothings been done).... (Note - I know hes got anxiety but he point blank refuses to speak to a professional about it because he "doesnt want to get locked up in a padded cell"). So sorry not jumping on this circus train......
So then he tried "but I can't hear very well on the phone". Right got you. We've had probably 50 discussions where I've told him his hearing aid needs looking at, maybe renewing but he won't. Doesn't want to risk spending any money so he always tells me "I can hear fine I dont need a new one". Thats Dad always contradicts himself.... I've decided now with his hearing thing, hes not just passing it off onto me, he won't do anything about it until it causes HIM inconvenience.
Honestly, I pray some nights that I'm not ever going to end up as tight fisted as him!
My father was the same way. Refused to spend the money on a hearing aid that he could easily afford but then but expected me to take care of anything that required 'hearing'. After he had me take off work 3 times to get the hearing aid set up then he just returned them I refused to make any more calls on the phone 'because he can't hear'. It is like they think you are so stupid that you don't remember what they said to you the last time you spoke. I always wondered if it was a generational thing. You know, never question your elder. They can contradict themselves constantly but they are always right all the time.
I think it's just a PD thing.
Quote from: lkdrymom on July 13, 2022, 08:55:17 AM
My father was the same way. Refused to spend the money on a hearing aid that he could easily afford but then but expected me to take care of anything that required 'hearing'. After he had me take off work 3 times to get the hearing aid set up then he just returned them I refused to make any more calls on the phone 'because he can't hear'. It is like they think you are so stupid that you don't remember what they said to you the last time you spoke. I always wondered if it was a generational thing. You know, never question your elder. They can contradict themselves constantly but they are always right all the time.
Yep I got so far as making an appt once. A few days later "cancel it Im ok". I honestly think the thought of spending money was giving him sleepless nights.
2 days later like you "I can't hear on the phone".
Like you said, do you think I'm stupid or something?
I've told him now its all his choice. Keep the hearing aid but if I phone him and he can't hear then I'll end the call. I've had calls in the past where I've asked him something and its like a comedy sketch. He wanted me to get him deodrant in the shop once, so I said "spray or roll on?". "yes". So I repeated. "yes". "OK shall I get you the one that smells like dog sh@t". "yes". "OK so purple one, costs £20, smells of dog sh*t" "Yes thats the one"..........
Same - if he says its ok then he makes outgoing calls when he needs to and not involve me.
Im certainly not wasting my time when hes got a solvable problem but would rather keep thousands in the bank thats for sure.
If you know of any "how to persuade someone to use a hearing aid" resources, please share. My mom has legitimate reasons to not use hers, but her hearing is bad and it's frustrating to try to have conversations with her. I think this is true for many people, PD or not.
PI, I dunno what reasons your mom has, but if she uses a cell phone to talk to you, ear buds really help with hearing (vs putting the phone to the ear) - if she's willing to try.
Unfortunately, Airpods and many other things are too quiet, but if you're interested, I can recommend some low cost earbuds that are loud and clear (I have moderate to severe loss and using these opens whole new worlds of hearing phone calls, podcasts, and music for me).
I'd love suggestions for low-cost earbuds, Square. Thank you.
Skullcandy-Jib-In-Ear-Earbuds-Purple
Skull Candy regular aux earbuds
Choose "with mic" so she can speak on the phone
About $10
Audio-JBudsPRO-Premium-Earbuds-Guaranteed
Jlab regular aux earbuds
Choose "with mic"
About $10
Includes optional silicone pieces that help the buds stay in the ear really well
Both of above I rate 10/10 for volume and clarity for hearing impaired
If the phone does not have an aux jack my second choice I rate 9/10, great clarity but just slightly less gain (max volume output) but still much better than any other Bluetooth in-ear I've tried (others are entirely unusable for me).... I couldn't find the exact model I have but this is the same company and it looks the same, and at just $20 worth a shot
Audio-Sport-Bluetooth-Wireless-Earbuds
Thank you!
Quote from: p123 on July 13, 2022, 03:23:54 AM
I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?".
It doesn't sound mean at all. It sounds like you are expecting him to be an adult and take responsibility for his own problems. He insists he's well enough to live alone, without outside help? Then he can make the call. He insists he can "hear fine" when you discuss hearing aids? Then he can make the call. Notice that he only ever brings up how he "can't manage" or "can't hear" when he's trying to manipulate you into being his servant?
Quote from: Cat of the Canals on July 13, 2022, 02:40:07 PM
Quote from: p123 on July 13, 2022, 03:23:54 AM
I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?".
It doesn't sound mean at all. It sounds like you are expecting him to be an adult and take responsibility for his own problems. He insists he's well enough to live alone, without outside help? Then he can make the call. He insists he can "hear fine" when you discuss hearing aids? Then he can make the call. Notice that he only ever brings up how he "can't manage" or "can't hear" when he's trying to manipulate you into being his servant?
Yeh exactly....
All he wants is to be mollycoddled. (is that a word u use in the us?)
He has ZERO interest at all in doing anything to help himself at all.
New trick last few weeks as well.....
I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!
Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".
Another weird thing Dad does...
I just had a thought as I read your frustration with your Dad asking medical questions. Since you work in IT what if you responded with IT solutions? For example when he says he has symptoms of x, what do you think? You say, "Have you checked to make sure your unit is plugged in?" Or "have you tried restarting?" Or "is your caps lock on?" When he responds that that doesn't make any sense, you reply, "Well I work in IT, not medicine. So those are all I got." Or "Asking me medical questions doesn't make any sense, either."
I realize that you probably aren't doing tech support like that in your job. It's just what the general public thinks people in IT do because that's all they have context for. Anyway maybe all it could do is just be responses that stay in your head, but help you emotionally detach from the response he is trying to provoke out of you.
Backing up... he argues, while in the phone with you, that he needs you to call because he can't hear on the phone.
:spaceship:
Quote from: p123 on July 14, 2022, 05:10:12 AM
New trick last few weeks as well.....
I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!
Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".
Another weird thing Dad does...
Yes, it's infuriating when they try to take credit for your accomplishments.
And does he want an award for that one time when he acted more or less like a parent when you needed support? Yes, yes he does.
Quote from: Outsiderchild on July 17, 2022, 06:12:07 AM
I just had a thought as I read your frustration with your Dad asking medical questions. Since you work in IT what if you responded with IT solutions? For example when he says he has symptoms of x, what do you think? You say, "Have you checked to make sure your unit is plugged in?" Or "have you tried restarting?" Or "is your caps lock on?" When he responds that that doesn't make any sense, you reply, "Well I work in IT, not medicine. So those are all I got." Or "Asking me medical questions doesn't make any sense, either."
I realize that you probably aren't doing tech support like that in your job. It's just what the general public thinks people in IT do because that's all they have context for. Anyway maybe all it could do is just be responses that stay in your head, but help you emotionally detach from the response he is trying to provoke out of you.
Ha ha yes you're right there. He asked me the other day how I worked from home did people knock my door with their broken computers!!!! Yeh right.
I did try to explain that there a BIG computers and they're locked away in a big factory and someone looks after them and they run all the stuff that lets the UK run the taxes system.
Oh he used to say "can you ask your wife?" (shes a nurse). She got well sick of that and told him no in the end.
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on July 17, 2022, 08:05:23 AM
Backing up... he argues, while in the phone with you, that he needs you to call because he can't hear on the phone.
:spaceship:
oh yeah sometimes
Quote from: FromTheSwamp on July 17, 2022, 09:04:36 AM
Quote from: p123 on July 14, 2022, 05:10:12 AM
New trick last few weeks as well.....
I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!
Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".
Another weird thing Dad does...
Yes, it's infuriating when they try to take credit for your accomplishments.
And does he want an award for that one time when he acted more or less like a parent when you needed support? Yes, yes he does.
To be honest, I think he does it to belittle me a lot. As if to say, "Look where you be without me, just remember Im in charge here".
Like you said, I was 18. Never lived away from home before. Do the parent job then but don't expect credit 35 years later when you're acting like a child!