Dad acting very strangely indeed

[Poison Ivy]

It's not unusual for older people, whether or not they have personality disorders, to complain about their health and to want someone or something else to fix their health problems. I think it's okay to nod and smile (or look concerned) during conversations about these topics but to not feel compelled to offer solutions. People's bodies, and sometimes their minds, do deteriorate over time, and things that might have helped when an individual was younger (medications, surgery, physical therapy, etc.) are no longer as effective.

[p123]

Todays classic. The outside light in his porch is broken, he lives in a flat that he rents....
"Can you call the housing company for me?"

I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?". Hes even said some stupid comment like "its playing on my mind I just want it fixed" which pretty much says it all with him (its one outside light, most people will report it, forget about it, maybe chase in a week or two if nothings been done).... (Note - I know hes got anxiety but he point blank refuses to speak to a professional about it because he "doesnt want to get locked up in a padded cell"). So sorry not jumping on this circus train......

So then he tried "but I can't hear very well on the phone". Right got you. We've had probably 50 discussions where I've told him his hearing aid needs looking at, maybe renewing but he won't. Doesn't want to risk spending any money so he always tells me "I can hear fine I dont need a new one". Thats Dad always contradicts himself.... I've decided now with his hearing thing, hes not just passing it off onto me, he won't do anything about it until it causes HIM inconvenience.

Honestly, I pray some nights that I'm not ever going to end up as tight fisted as him!

[lkdrymom]

My father was the same way. Refused to spend the money on a hearing aid that he could easily afford but then but expected me to take care of anything that required 'hearing'.  After he had me take off work 3 times to get the hearing aid set up then he just returned them I refused to make any more calls on the phone 'because he can't hear'.  It is like they  think you are so stupid that you don't remember what they said to you the last time you spoke.   I always wondered if it was a generational thing. You know, never question your elder.  They can contradict themselves constantly but they are always right all the time.

[square]

I think it's just a PD thing.

[p123]

My father was the same way. Refused to spend the money on a hearing aid that he could easily afford but then but expected me to take care of anything that required 'hearing'.  After he had me take off work 3 times to get the hearing aid set up then he just returned them I refused to make any more calls on the phone 'because he can't hear'.  It is like they  think you are so stupid that you don't remember what they said to you the last time you spoke.   I always wondered if it was a generational thing. You know, never question your elder.  They can contradict themselves constantly but they are always right all the time.

Yep I got so far as making an appt once. A few days later "cancel it Im ok". I honestly think the thought of spending money was giving him sleepless nights.
2 days later like you "I can't hear on the phone".

Like you said, do you think I'm stupid or something?

I've told him now its all his choice. Keep the hearing aid but if I phone him and he can't hear then I'll end the call. I've had calls in the past where I've asked him something and its like a comedy sketch. He wanted me to get him deodrant in the shop once, so I said "spray or roll on?". "yes". So I repeated. "yes". "OK shall I get you the one that smells like dog sh@t". "yes". "OK so purple one, costs £20, smells of dog sh*t" "Yes thats the one"..........
Same - if he says its ok then he makes outgoing calls when he needs to and not involve me.

Im certainly not wasting my time when hes got a solvable problem but would rather keep thousands in the bank thats for sure.

[Poison Ivy]

If you know of any "how to persuade someone to use a hearing aid" resources, please share. My mom has legitimate reasons to not use hers, but her hearing is bad and it's frustrating to try to have conversations with her. I think this is true for many people, PD or not.

[square]

PI, I dunno what reasons your mom has, but if she uses a cell phone to talk to you, ear buds really help with hearing (vs putting the phone to the ear) - if she's willing to try. 

Unfortunately, Airpods and many other things are too quiet, but if you're interested, I can recommend some low cost earbuds that are loud and clear (I have moderate to severe loss and using these opens whole new worlds of hearing phone calls, podcasts, and music for me).

[Poison Ivy]

I'd love suggestions for low-cost earbuds, Square. Thank you.

[square]

Skullcandy-Jib-In-Ear-Earbuds-Purple
Skull Candy regular aux earbuds
Choose "with mic" so she can speak on the phone
About $10

Audio-JBudsPRO-Premium-Earbuds-Guaranteed
Jlab regular aux earbuds
Choose "with mic"
About $10
Includes optional silicone pieces that help the buds stay in the ear really well


Both of above I rate 10/10 for volume and clarity for hearing impaired

If the phone does not have an aux jack my second choice I rate 9/10, great clarity but just slightly less gain (max volume output) but still much better than any other Bluetooth in-ear I've tried (others are entirely unusable for me).... I couldn't find the exact model I have but this is the same company and it looks the same, and at just $20 worth a shot

Audio-Sport-Bluetooth-Wireless-Earbuds

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you!

[Cat of the Canals]

I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?".

It doesn't sound mean at all. It sounds like you are expecting him to be an adult and take responsibility for his own problems. He insists he's well enough to live alone, without outside help? Then he can make the call. He insists he can "hear fine" when you discuss hearing aids? Then he can make the call. Notice that he only ever brings up how he "can't manage" or "can't hear" when he's trying to manipulate you into being his servant?

[p123]

I said no. I'm really busy with work to be honest. I know it sounds mean of me but I just know that I'll phone them once to report, Dad won't wait, he'll want someone there TODAY, and he'll want daily progress reports and it'll be "can you call them again and ask when they're coming?".

It doesn't sound mean at all. It sounds like you are expecting him to be an adult and take responsibility for his own problems. He insists he's well enough to live alone, without outside help? Then he can make the call. He insists he can "hear fine" when you discuss hearing aids? Then he can make the call. Notice that he only ever brings up how he "can't manage" or "can't hear" when he's trying to manipulate you into being his servant?

Yeh exactly....

All he wants is to be mollycoddled. (is that a word u use in the us?)

He has ZERO interest at all in doing anything to help himself at all.

[p123]

New trick last few weeks as well.....

I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!

Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".

Another weird thing Dad does...

[Outsiderchild]

I just had a thought as I read your frustration with your Dad asking medical questions.   Since you work in IT what if you responded with IT solutions?  For example when he says he has symptoms of x, what do you think?  You say, "Have you checked to make sure your unit is plugged in?" Or "have you tried restarting?"  Or "is your caps lock on?"   When he responds that that doesn't make any sense, you reply, "Well I work in IT, not medicine. So those are all I got."  Or "Asking me medical questions doesn't make any sense, either."

I realize that you probably aren't doing tech support like that in your job.   It's just what the general public thinks people in IT do because that's all they have context for.   Anyway maybe all it could do is just be responses that stay in your head, but help you emotionally detach from the response he is trying to provoke out of you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Backing up... he argues, while in the phone with you, that he needs you to call because he can't hear on the phone.

[FromTheSwamp]

New trick last few weeks as well.....

I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!

Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".

Another weird thing Dad does...

Yes, it's infuriating when they try to take credit for your accomplishments.
And does he want an award for that one time when he acted more or less like a parent when you needed support?  Yes, yes he does. 

[p123]

I just had a thought as I read your frustration with your Dad asking medical questions.   Since you work in IT what if you responded with IT solutions?  For example when he says he has symptoms of x, what do you think?  You say, "Have you checked to make sure your unit is plugged in?" Or "have you tried restarting?"  Or "is your caps lock on?"   When he responds that that doesn't make any sense, you reply, "Well I work in IT, not medicine. So those are all I got."  Or "Asking me medical questions doesn't make any sense, either."

I realize that you probably aren't doing tech support like that in your job.   It's just what the general public thinks people in IT do because that's all they have context for.   Anyway maybe all it could do is just be responses that stay in your head, but help you emotionally detach from the response he is trying to provoke out of you.

Ha ha yes you're right there. He asked me the other day how I worked from home did people knock my door with their broken computers!!!! Yeh right.

I did try to explain that there a BIG computers and they're locked away in a big factory and someone looks after them and they run all the stuff that lets the UK run the taxes system.

Oh he used to say "can you ask your wife?" (shes a nurse). She got well sick of that and told him no in the end.

[p123]

Backing up... he argues, while in the phone with you, that he needs you to call because he can't hear on the phone.

oh yeah sometimes

[p123]

New trick last few weeks as well.....

I was shy as a kid and when I first went to college I did struggle a bit living away from home etc. This was 35 years ago!

Three times in the past few weeks, Dad has brought this up, how I wanted to quit, how he talked me into it. Three times. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking he's trying to remind me of this like saying "look you're not all that I had to save you - you nearly quit college".

Another weird thing Dad does...

Yes, it's infuriating when they try to take credit for your accomplishments.
And does he want an award for that one time when he acted more or less like a parent when you needed support?  Yes, yes he does.

To be honest, I think he does it to belittle me a lot. As if to say, "Look where you be without me, just remember Im in charge here".

Like you said, I was 18. Never lived away from home before. Do the parent job then but don't expect credit 35 years later when you're acting like a child!