A new journey Out of the FOG toward healing and healthy relationships

[Phoenix Rising]

Hello,

I am a 29 year old mother and wife looking to free myself from the unhealthy relationships in my life. After beginning sessions with a psychiatrist, I was encouraged to share the relationships of both past and present. Currently, these relationships are with uNPD family member(s) and an uNPD/uAPD ex-partner.  In the past, I was in another long-term relationship with a NPD person and it was through that relationship that I first became familiar with NPD and methods of dealing with PD people. Sadly, with the exception of my marriage and relationship with my children, I noticed that I continued to pursue or maintain relationships with people who are like my uNPD family members. Not always the case but the most problematic and draining relationships are.

Growing up, the uNPDs in my family rarely gave affection, encouragement or praise. Nothing I ever did or said was good enough. In the times where it occurred, there were conditions and insults attached. Whenever I protested their hurtful behaviour or comments, my feelings were dismissed with "jokes" - eventually not allowed to be discussed at all. I recognize now that between my uNPD grandmother and father (deceased), both promoted a power struggle in which children were low on the totem pole and "seen, not heard". The people around them were used as pawns to facilitate obtaining what they wanted or needed. This dynamic continues through my uNPD grandmother who now uses her age/health/economy as an excuse to bully and guilt others into doing things. She also uses her adult children and grandchildren (flying monkeys) to intimidate each other through the same type of tactics. Although I am over 6000km from them all, I'm still hooked given that one of my children is temporarily there while awaiting an immigration decision. I feel great guilt, shame and powerlessness but now that I am beginning to understand what has been going on, I am working towards focusing on what is in my power and being understanding to myself. One day at a time.

Unlike my upbringing, my children are shown love unconditionally, given praise and heard. I am thankful that this came naturally and without thought despite what has been endured. After my father passed seven months ago, I felt alone and tried to lean on these family members but they were either cold, manipulative, gaslighting or hiding from my uNPD grandmother. The ex-uNPD/uAPD behaved similarly in the past as well. I was spinning my wheels trying to people please and rescue by which none of that has ever made me happy or got me the love I deserved. It was not until the last couple of months that I realized the real dysfunction I lived in (and to some degree am still meshed in) and how this impacts my life. I went into crisis after crisis when around them or discarded by them. Post-contact, I'm in a hypervigilant state, feeling weird when I receive hugs from adults or when someone says something kind to me. There are far too many things surrounding this to list in an introduction. Ultimately, I have decided that the pursuit of being the best possible person I can be involves more than tangible achievements but also inward development.

The professional I am seeing is helping me help myself with some aspects of that development, however, I suspect  either her understanding of NPD abuse may not that great or it may not be within her "job" to validate my experiences. In other words, I feel blamed and misunderstood. Some days I find myself asking if I am a narc or if I am crazy. I hope by coming to the forums, I can contribute and read about others' experiences that validate the trauma. I also look forward to using the toolbox and information provided by Out of the FOG to help me manage the relationships I need to maintain until I can go completely NC. Someone recommended Medium Chill to me and it looks promising! Reading some of the sub-forums before joining has been a breath of fresh air (although I feel awful that people have to experience so much turmoil too).

[Penny Lane]

Welcome! I'm so glad you've already found the toolbox - I've found medium chill and gray rock in particular to be life-changing.

I love your focus on finding what's in your control and changing that. It sounds like you've already come a long way from your toxic family of origin!

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to have you here and I look forward to hearing more from you on the boards.

[Phoenix Rising]

Welcome! I'm so glad you've already found the toolbox - I've found medium chill and gray rock in particular to be life-changing.

I love your focus on finding what's in your control and changing that. It sounds like you've already come a long way from your toxic family of origin!

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to have you here and I look forward to hearing more from you on the boards.

Hi, thanks for reading and for the warm welcome.

I am really thankful for the resources that are available here. I have used gray rock in the past and it was really effective, still is! It's great to learn about other tools and techniques. Definitely helps me to feel more in control of my actions and situations with PD or difficult people.

[Brooke]

Welcome! I'm so glad you've already found the toolbox - I've found medium chill and gray rock in particular to be life-changing.

I love your focus on finding what's in your control and changing that. It sounds like you've already come a long way from your toxic family of origin!

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad to have you here and I look forward to hearing more from you on the boards.

Hi, thanks for reading and for the warm welcome.

I am really thankful for the resources that are available here. I have used gray rock in the past and it was really effective, still is! It's great to learn about other tools and techniques. Definitely helps me to feel more in control of my actions and situations with PD or difficult people.

Yeah, I've already been devouring the Toolbox and the other links up there. ^^^ Welcome and I'm sure you're going to get great advice here.