Need to vent all the red flags I finally saw after cutting off a friend

[newlife33]

I'm a little annoyed at myself right now, I don't like it when I am blindsided by something but it happened this week. I cut off contact with a former roommates who I thought was my friend, but in reality he was just controlling. Here's some things I noticed only after the fact.

- He always tried to guilt trip me even after I said I had plans. If I responded that I had plans to play softball, he would be really disrespectful and tell me that I should cancel them and hang out with him instead.

He made complaints at my birthday party and got mad because remind him that it was that weekend... This really was the last straw and what made me see his true colors, like what kind person complains or brings negativity to a friend's birthday? It was so selfish.

I have a new apartment and he finally came to visit and the only thing he commented on was that me and him had the same bike... Like I have this huge and beautiful apartment and that's the only thing he notices? Self-centered to the max.

And the last thing was about money. I swear to God, I could tell this guy a hundred times that I needed to get paid on a Monday and he would never pay me on time. It was systematic and I probably lost at least 50 to $100 over the time that we were roommates to random stuff. The level of disrespect on that especially when I asked for it on time is really annoying.

There's a lot more that I can't even think of right now, but those are really the ones that stick out in my mind and I just had to get them out here to people who understand. I know the mistake I made with this person. They went to a really nice school and had a prestigious job and Rich parents and I fell into the Trap of thinking that those things make a good person. They do not, and a lot of times Unfortunately they can mask and trick people with their money and Status, which is what happened with me. Oh well, lesson learned and time to move on.

[StayWithMe]

Carry on.  Let this thread be your journal.

[clara]

Soooooo many of us have been there, newlife.  My feeling is, we don't see the red flags because we can't believe people we've come to know and like are like that.  We want to naturally think the best of them.  We want to give them the benefit of the doubt.  That's the way normal relationships should progress, and when we get into a relationship with a PD, the learning curve can be steep.  Even when we've already been through the wringer with one PD, we think the odds that another one is in our life are pretty low so again play decent and nice with them until the red flags become too red to ignore.  But it's not about us.  We're operating in good faith.  We're holding up our part of the relationship bargain.  We're trying to be a good friend/spouse/employee etc. until we get to the point where we just can't anymore.  Looking back on how you were used can make you really angry not just with the PD but with yourself for being taken advantage of, but as someone else on this forum recently said, once you get past that you can regard the episode as an event that made you grow as a person.  You're there trying to understand what went on, trying to understand the PD, while the PD is just continuing to be who they'll likely always be--someone who hurts and takes advantage of others.  They learn and understand nothing.

And yeah, getting it out and writing it down may not feel like it's doing you much good, but it really is.  Putting the events in black and white makes them "real."  They're no longer just random thoughts and feelings rumbling around in your brain.   

[newlife33]

And yeah, getting it out and writing it down may not feel like it's doing you much good, but it really is.  Putting the events in black and white makes them "real."  They're no longer just random thoughts and feelings rumbling around in your brain.

This. Writing it out really is helpful and soothing and a reminder to come back too.

[xredshoesx]

Carry on.  Let this thread be your journal.

FYI from the guidelines-  while venting is important and therapeutic, we also need to focus on solutions so we can keep moving forward in our recovery process-

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[StayWithMe]

Sorry. 

[StayWithMe]

I used to think that people will always do the right / fair thing.  therefore, if things weren't working out, then I would question what was I doing wrong.  Now, I accept that there are some people who are just simply selfish.  they want what they want and if they get it, great, if they don't, they don't care what others think about them.

In my first marriage, in which I moved country to be with my husband, he was trying to help me find friends.  He introduced me to a former co worker of his.  as thngs moved along, it became clear that she saw me as only a conduit to my husband. 

They were both management consultants so networking is paramount to people in that field. ok, I thought.  I never believed that the attraction was sexual but it's still possible to show a whole lot of disrespect.  this woman felt confident enough to tell me that she did not want to make plans with me so they included my husband.  It's not like we were double dating.  she was ha[y to be the third wheel. I was in my 30s, still finding it difficult to say no to people.  Looking back on it, I  have developed some boundaries for myself. 

1. Don't be friends with anyone who shows too much interest in my husband for ANY REASON. If they want to do  business with him, they can call him at the office.
2. Don't let my friends be third wheels.  They must bring a date, or i come out alone.  I have noticed that I have better friends now, so I don't need to enforce this boundary all time.