Friend repeats her behavior

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I didn't know quite what subject line to use for this situation.   

For several years, I have had an e-mail correspondence with a friend, in which we have shared our lives on a daily basis.  However, I haven't completely trusted her because of something which happened a few years ago.  One day, I had a doctor's appointment, with a doctor I see regularly; it wasn't a "special" appointment in which I was going to hear any crucial test results, but just an office visit, in order to get scripts refilled.  The morning of the appointment, my friend asked me to let her know how the appointment went, and I said that I would.

My friend knew another friend was going with me to the doctor's, and that we were having lunch afterwards.   Then another friend came over in the late afternoon.  I was going to write my email friend that evening, but the minute I opened my computer, my husband said he wanted to discuss something work-related.  After that, I was too tired to write!  But I did write my friend early the next morning, which is when we invariably wish each other a good day.  I wrote her at six a.m., before work.  Well, she was furious that I hadn't written her about the doctor's appointment on the day of the appointment.  I pointed out that I wrote her early the next day, explaining why I hadn't written her the night before.  She then stopped writing, despite my repeated apologies.  I felt she was being unreasonable, but I did miss our correspondence.   

I was surprised to hear from her some months later, during Covid lockdown.  Another friend was surprised that I responded, and cautioned me.   But for several years, everything has been fine.  We immediately resumed out email conversations.  Well, last week, she left on vacation, saying that she wouldn't necessarily be writing every day.  I was fine with this.  But now it has been well over a week, with no word at all.  Since we normally write a couple of times a day, this silence feels really weird.  With someone else, I would drop them a line, asking if all was well; but she told me not to worry if I did't hear from her "every day," so I haven't checked in.  Also, I must confess that I'm remembering how she dropped me when she didn't hear from me immediately after that doctor's appointment.  It really gets me that I was dropped because of this tiny lapse in communication, but that she obviously feels it's perfectly fine to go silent for many days.

She went on vacation with her newish boyfriend, and there have been some red flags about him, although she doesn't want to see it.  (Nor have I pointed out any red flags.)  She dropped him once early on, but then decided she wanted a relationship.  She'd recently been dropped by a couple of guys, and she liked this guy's intensity.  Since she started seeing him, she has had issues with her son and with her boss, both of whom have told her that her behavior has changed since she's been seeing this guy.  I have a feeling that he did not want her writing to me during vacation; and it wouldn't surprise me if she would drop me at his request.

I have had narcissistic friends before, and her behavior reminds me somewhat of theirs, in that she holds me to exceptionally high standards of behavior in regard to her, but doesn't hold herself to the same standards in regard to me.

At any rate, I assume I will hear from her again at some point, and I don't know what to say when I do.  I don't bug friends when they are vacation, because I understand that people need a vacation from their routine, but I keep thinking about how angry she was at me for not writing her that time, yet she clearly thinks I should be okay not hearing from her at all.  Do you think I should confront her about this, or just let it go?   

[notrightinthehead]

May I ask, what do you get from this friendship that you you do not get elsewhere? Seems to me like you need to walk on eggshells a little bit in this relationship.

[countrygirl]

Hi "notrightinthehead" !

I remember that great user name from when I posted on here a couple of years ago.   

You know, you raise a good point about this friend.  I am sort of walking on eggshells with her.   I was happy to hear from her again when the pandemic was first in full swing, because I, like so many others, had a lot of time on my hands.  During the past few years we've shared our days with each other, discussing everything from quotidian matters to global concerns.  She's funny and smart, and has seemed to be supportive.

However, I should have taken more note of who she was when she dropped me because I didn't write her about a routine doctor's appointment until the following morning.  That really is "eggshelly."   

It seems that I am still too willing to do the eggshell walk if I find someone interesting.   Thank you for pointing out MY behavior!

[Lilyloo]

My friend repeats her exact behavior even if I tell her how it made me feel. Wth!!  I'd say time for us to end these one sided relationships

[countrygirl]

Hi Lilyloo,

It seems to me that very few people will quit their upsetting behavior, no matter how often you tell them how it makes you feel--even if you do so as gently as possible.  If they don't change, then you either have to decide that you will tolerate it for the sake of the friendship, or if you will walk.  I often have trouble deciding when the bad outweighs the good.   I suspect I often try too hard and too long,  when most people would abandon the relationship.  I am working on it!