Not allowed to have boundaries

[miffyxo]

Hey all

I suffered from very bad trauma and now believe I have CPTSD. Unfortunately I only realised this AFTER I'd built a career in an industry that is notorious for PD's. I'm finding it really hard to work on my mindfulness and healing in work, I'm doing 3x peoples work at the moment while having people I suspect to have PD's come up to my desk demanding things get done right now (when I already have the same "urgent" tasks from multiple people at once.) When I try to set boundaries and explain my workload they just repeat their deadline and tell me it has to be done.

Today a senior colleague came up to me and demanded I do a job outside of my job role, heavily implying there would be repercussions if I didn't complete the task and today. A few minutes later, another colleague (whose job role is entry level) came up to me demanding the same thing, again with implied repercussions.

I don't know how to handle it as if I bring it to my manager he hints I should just toughen up and basically doesn't want to know (he has stuff going on at home and is very not present in the office).

I just don't know how to handle these situations. If I try and set boundaries they just tell me to do it anyway, and i work on contracts so my reputation is everything. I know people would suggest I retrain but I really enjoy the work itself and I've spent years building up my career. Im also getting married next year and need the finances to support it. But I'm getting severe emotional flashbacks every time I'm confronted like this and I really need some help in managing them. I'm getting good at managing it when I'm with friends and family now but in work I just panic and freeze up/shut down and then they come at me even more.

[Catothecat]

This is a very difficult position you've found yourself in, miffyxo, and you seem aware that part of the problem is you've allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by co-workers who are now used to taking advantage of you (and that's exactly what they're doing, make no mistake).  The time to stop this kind of behavior is to nip it in the bud immediately, to let them know that if they're the responsible person for the job, they're the responsible person, not you. 

My first suggestion would be to try a website called Ask a Manager and see if it has any suggestions or helpful solutions.  You might also try role-playing with a therapist if you have one or if you can find one willing (and able) to do this.  I understand that your core issue is difficulty with separating your past trauma from your current situation.  You say you are increasingly able to manage this with your personal relationships, which means you've already learned the tools that help, it's just applying them to a work situation that's the difficulty.  Which is why I suggest taking these further steps with a therapist who can better guide you. 

Since you seem to enjoy the work you do (outside of your co-workers) I don't think retraining or anything like that is a necessary solution.  What are the possibilities of moving to another employer? While it may seem that PDs are attracted to the type of work you do, look at it this way--you're not a PD, and the odds are most co-workers aren't, either.  Unfortunately, anyone can start displaying PD traits if they're in a toxic work environment and their survival depends on adapting those traits.  Usually the rot starts at the top.

Good luck with all of this.

[miffyxo]

This is a very difficult position you've found yourself in, miffyxo, and you seem aware that part of the problem is you've allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by co-workers who are now used to taking advantage of you (and that's exactly what they're doing, make no mistake).  The time to stop this kind of behavior is to nip it in the bud immediately, to let them know that if they're the responsible person for the job, they're the responsible person, not you. 

My first suggestion would be to try a website called Ask a Manager and see if it has any suggestions or helpful solutions.  You might also try role-playing with a therapist if you have one or if you can find one willing (and able) to do this.  I understand that your core issue is difficulty with separating your past trauma from your current situation.  You say you are increasingly able to manage this with your personal relationships, which means you've already learned the tools that help, it's just applying them to a work situation that's the difficulty.  Which is why I suggest taking these further steps with a therapist who can better guide you. 

Since you seem to enjoy the work you do (outside of your co-workers) I don't think retraining or anything like that is a necessary solution.  What are the possibilities of moving to another employer? While it may seem that PDs are attracted to the type of work you do, look at it this way--you're not a PD, and the odds are most co-workers aren't, either.  Unfortunately, anyone can start displaying PD traits if they're in a toxic work environment and their survival depends on adapting those traits.  Usually the rot starts at the top.

Good luck with all of this.

I love this advise, thank you! I will try the website and look into practising setting boundaries with my coworkers. I'm unable to have therapy at the moment but it's definitely something I will consider for the future when I'm able to. Might try practising in the mirror in the meantime!