it's over

[Jolie40]

I broke NC with one of my many siblings
been phone talking with GC weekly

last wk, I asked if she could drive me to drug store (about 1/2 hr of her time)
she's not working now, goes to gym up to 3X/day, has daytime free until she picks up kid from school

I let my DL lapse & she said "drive anyway"
I'm not going to risk it esp since police are out daily in our town!

this is a sibling who I babysat for many times up to 5 hrs/time when her kid was little
however, when I asked for ONE hr to watch my kid when husband was out of town so I could do errands, she said "no, take your kid with you"

she won't do one thing for me yet I have helped her many, many times not just with sitting
she is a taker, never a giver

I decided to not call her anymore
why give my time to her?

[notrightinthehead]

Good for you! Setting a boundary. Well done.

[Jolie40]

Good for you! Setting a boundary. Well done.

only thing is that setting the boundary now hurts me

for some reason this sibling knows everything that goes on with all the siblings even though she says she never talks with brother
a  sibling must talk with brother & pass info on to her

even though I went NC with PD parent & all siblings after a chaotic year, for some reason I still like to know what's going on

this sibling was giving me all the tidbits so now I'll be in the dark

[Jolie40]

guess I could let a few weeks go by to get over the hurt that she will never, ever help me out
it burns me thinking when she was pregnant, I'd get groceries for her, massage her back, stay up with her late when her husband wasn't home & she was scared, etc

yet she can't give me 1/2 hr to drive me to drug store

the last time I asked about bringing her groceries, she said never mind
she said "I make her pay for them"
what?!  they're her groceries & I'm doing a favor getting them for her & I'm supposed to pay for them, also?

apparently, her mother-in-law started buying them groceries & buying them rolls of stamps

yep, that's how a taker works, they want EVERYONE to give them everything
yet, they NEVER give back

[Sneezy]

yep, that's how a taker works, they want EVERYONE to give them everything
yet, they NEVER give back

And it's absolutely shocking to your system when you finally realize this, isn't it?  It hurts!!!

Sometimes, it is blatantly obvious that someone is a taker.  When DH and I had our first baby, we had neighbors down the street who asked if we would be interested in exchanging babysitting.  After we watched their baby a couple times, we asked them to watch our baby so we could go out.  They had one excuse after another, and could never watch our baby.  It was so obvious.  We had been used to provide a couple nights of free babysitting and they were never going to reciprocate.

Sometimes it takes a long time to figure it out.  With BIL and his wife, we have been helping them out for years.  Babysitting, errands, dropping everything at a moment's notice when they need help, driving them to the airport, you name it.  We recently asked them for help (a rare occurrence) and were met with rude remarks and some very hurtful comments about how we didn't really need the help and they didn't have the time.  It stung.  It was shocking.  And all of sudden, we realized how one-sided the relationship has been for many years.

So what to do about it?  My advice is to be VVVLC.  I get that it's nice to be in on the family news, but I'd rather miss out on what's going on and not be taken advantage of.  Screen yours calls.  When your sibling calls, let it go to voicemail, listen to the call, and think carefully about if/when you want to respond.  As far as needing to go to the drugstore or anywhere else, this is tough, but you can do it without your sibling's help.  Most drugstores deliver.  Worst case, take an uber.  But don't allow your sibling to have anything to hang over you implying that you owe them in return. 

It hurts when you realize that someone has been using you and taking advantage of you.  But, on the other hand, if the worst thing anyone can ever say about you is that you were "too giving," then that's not so bad.  Hang in there!

[goodgirl]

even though I went NC with PD parent & all siblings after a chaotic year, for some reason I still like to know what's going on

I get this desire, I truly do. But you need to ask yourself: how does knowing what's going on benefit YOU? 

I am going through this currently as I've had to set some strong boundaries with my SIL about sharing information with me re: my uNPD brother. Oh my god, it is weird and HARD not knowing what is happening (especially given the fact that he is currently out of bail after showing up drunk at my house with a gun).  I want to know what's going on.  BUT hearing those details was making me SICK: anxiety or panic attacks daily. I was miserable.

[Jolie40]

I get this desire, I truly do. But you need to ask yourself: how does knowing what's going on benefit YOU? 

you are right!  why do I need to know what's going on with a dysfunctional family?

[Jolie40]

We recently asked them for help (a rare occurrence) and were met with rude remarks and some very hurtful comments about how we didn't really need the help and they didn't have the time.  It stung.  It was shocking.  And all of sudden, we realized how one-sided the relationship has been for many years.

^ it's terrible people are like this

it makes me wonder the nerve it takes to let people give & give but then never once reciprocate
who do they think they are to be SO deserving of good will but never give back?

sibling that this thread is about....sibling & husband were shocked when his parents sold their house to buy a newer house! they actually expected his parents to give them their house
there are 2 other siblings but they deserved the house free and clear?

they also used his one brother to fix things in their house for free for years!
the brother finally wised up

[Jolie40]

we recently got on FB & I did "friend" this sibling
she was GC while I was SG

mostly her posts are pics of kids, my nieces

however, I see sibling posted a couple pics of PD parent & enabler this week
enabler is now gone but PD parent alive

at the end of post, she said PD parent always says to her "love you forever!"

yes, that's what a GC gets
for me, the SG, I never heard an "I love you" let alone "love you forever!"

^ why does this bother me to read this on FB?

[Jolie40]

at the end of post, she said PD parent always says to her "love you forever!"
yes, that's what a GC gets
for me, the SG, I never heard an "I love you" let alone "love you forever!"

have scanned my brain & thought really hard but can't recall any "I love you" from PD parent
yet GC hears "love you forever" all the time!

at least I've broken the cycle
daughter & I hug every night before she goes to bed
we say "I love you" to each other as she heads upstairs to bedroom

[Jolie40]

I now have several little sticky notes on my calendar of things to do:

do not call sibling this week


going to try to go the whole summer w/o calling sibling
she can't call me, either
no one has my cell number except husband

sibling tried to get my number on several calls
however, I'm adamant about keeping my number private
not even kid's school has my number

[moglow]

at the end of post, she said PD parent always says to her "love you forever!"

yes, that's what a GC gets
for me, the SG, I never heard an "I love you" let alone "love you forever!"

^ why does this bother me to read this on FB?
   

I'll punt: Because this is something you always wanted, to feel that kind of love, to hear those words. But think of this, even if GC is actually being told this, PD parent doesn't likely understand what love is or how it works, and I guarandamntee you it's conditional even with GC. She may not admit it and may deny that's what's happening, but seriously. I doubt it's really all that different between them - GC is likely clinging desperately to hope and seeing/hearing exactly what she wants.


I'm still trying to wrap my pea brain around the whole "not feeling" thing, even knowing how much I've shut down because of it. How I've chosen to distance myself and have little in the way of warmth or interest where my mother is concerned. This is learned behavior, Jolie. I learned this through and because of her, what I was taught over decades and repetition of the same scenarios. I kept pulling away and after so long of little being put back, I'm kinda empty. I'm not the abyss of need and demands that mommie dearest is, but I've damn sure gone numb from it all. I'm having to learn to build that back BUT through others, not her.

[feralcat]

My unPdM never told me she loved me until she crossed the line and I went NC for a while. I was 60. At first she texted something like I'm too old to let this other me. Then she started love bombing. I love you so much, darling etc etc.
Instead of feeling gladdened by the words I'd spent so many years hoping to hear ....I found that I felt twitchy and nauseous. And I laughed.
I have never, and will never, respond in kind. She doesn't like that. Bad luck. She's lucky I keep in touch and listen to her monologues.

Since then I've realised just how very transactional 'love' is in my family, and how explicit that is. Oiled with money, favours, 'help', attention. Some just take and never give, cos....family. It's more like a covert fight than a relationship of equals. Learned behaviour.

In my first marriage, I remember thinking that I didn't know what love was. I'd never received it. From any family member ( Lost Child). I think it's only recently that I've come to see it doesn't have to be a transaction. I do this so you'll hopefully do that.
Sad, eh ? But that's ok.

[Jolie40]

Since then I've realised just how very transactional 'love' is in my family, and how explicit that is. Oiled with money, favours, 'help', attention. Some just take and never give, cos....family.
Sad, eh ?

yes, very sad indeed!

broke NC & been calling this sibling this summer
today was the LAST STRAW

asked where my b'day card was as she kept saying she'd deliver it & I said today "just mail it"
this made her angry
next thing I knew, she was hurling all kinds of accusations at me, calling me a liar (don't know for what) & then hung up on me

all because I asked about b'day card which set her off

NOT calling anymore for real this time!
note to self "do NOT call!"

[guitarman]

I haven't been in contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for over two and a half years, since our mother passed away. I never want to see her ever again. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. She still rages at me in my head.

I haven't sent her any birthday cards or Christmas cards during that time.

In the past I have called her and then immediately regretted it. I never knew what mood she would be in. I felt obliged to call her often to let her know about our parents' serious life threatening health issues. She would be dismissive then I'd get a long lecture and then she would start talking about all her exaggerated health issues and problems.

I've had enough hearing about all her problems. She has so many.

So this is the end of the road of our relationship. The cost is too much for my own mental and physical health. I have to put my own needs first.

I talk to myself out loud with my mature adult voice. I talk to myself as if I were calmly counselling someone else. "You've done enough. She's never going to change. You can't change her. You need to look after yourself. You can send her your silent best wishes from afar. You don't have to be in contact with her."

I used to have hope that she would change but I realise now that she is never going to.

If I did contact her I would be getting on her extreme emotional rollercoaster again. I can't take that any more. She would emotionally blackmail me into contacting her adult children on her behalf. They don't want anything more to do with her either. She alienates everyone in our family by her behaviour. She can't see that.

She needs professional mental health support. I'm not a mental health professional. She won't access support because she doesn't think that she has any problems. She is not my responsibility.

So I'm done. I'm done with all the trauma. I fight the urge to contact her all the time.

Go live your life and live it well!


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Jolie40]

I haven't been in contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for over two and a half years, since our mother passed away.
So I'm done. I'm done with all the trauma. I fight the urge to contact her all the time.

Go live your life and live it well!

thanks for posting, guitarman

I've made it a whole month w/o calling
it was a shock to me the hatred spewed at me on the last phone call

I'm in a women's writing group so I write frequently
wrote down what transpired in last phone call so if I do ever get urge to break NC, I just need to read what happened to remind me

[Frustrated Guy]

Just wanted to chime in with a word of support. In my reading I have found the term "cognitive dissonance". Basically in your head you think something should be a certain way but when experienced it isn't what you thought. (I just found it in the glossary here, I'm new)....

That seems to be what you are experiencing. I have been managing the same thing and have learned not to expect anything from my Narc-sister. Basically, if you dont expect anything you won't be let down. Sounds like she is toxic and you won't/can't change her.

I know the NC is hard but it sounds like the right thing to do. (Just in case you needed to hear that)

I wish you all the best. Stay strong.