I don't want to be ... anymore...

[Jsinjin]

I don't want to be scared anymore

I don't want to be anxious anymore

I don't want to be on edge anymore

I don't want to guess what to say anymore

I don't want to wish the anger would stop anymore

I don't want to answer interrogations anymore


My spouse was gone for a weekend.  She borrowed my truck and took our youngest camping.   When she arrived home the inquisition started:   Why did the newspaper stack get moved?  Why did you use that recipe for pork tenderloin? Why did you run the car through the car wash?   Did you try your new weedeater, where did you use it?


Those alone wouldn't be that bad but everyone of the followups was an immediate angry accusation:

You threw away the newspaper didnt you because I need to read it.  Then when I try to say no she begins going through them counting say by day and checking them in front of me to make sure parts aren't missing.

Sage is really a fall seasoning I can't believe you picked that because it's hot and you should have done something lighter

You didn't clean out the car did you because I have several campaign leaflets I'm keeping, can we go through what you moved while you were vacuuming?

Ohhh, there was a plant that sprouted in the front by the porch that I didn't want killed but I guess you just mowed over it.

It goes and goes and goes.   Anger.  We all had to tiptoe to do dishes or even talk tonight.   I keep trying to hide it's so angry and mean.

I don't want to keep doing this.  Sometimes I feel bad about her because if I leave there is no way for her to find someone else.   I mean that shouldn't be the motivation but she doesn't allow any physical contact period; never has for any reason.   She looks for reasons to attack you.   I just feel so bad.

[hhaw]

J:

You won't always feel obgligated to be responsible for your wife's bad conduct and saving her from the logical consequenecs of her disordered behaviors.

You'll build yourself up, challenge the unconscious beliefs around not being worthy or entitled to self care and protection, then make some choices around setting and holding boundaries with your wife... likely.

I remember when my T firsst brought up Co Dependence.... and how it felt to question the committment I felt to NEEEDING others to be OK in order for me to be OK.

Turns out, I don't need others to be OK.  They're free to walk their own paths and I'm free to BE ME, regardless of how it goes over withi the people who're used to me being a doormat....and I'm not a doormat very often any more, J.

Sometimes, like when I'm ill or injured and struggling it can happen, but I notice I'm more aware when it does.  I have the ability to observe what's happening and gain some distance..... pay attention so I have more information about WHY I'd stay in a relationship involving bullying, rather than feel at the mercy of it and helpless to change it.

I now listen and gather intel so the next time I have a conversation with that person I can speak my truth, set a boundary and consequences around that kind of behavior and KNOW I'll follow through with consequences without hesitation IF they fail to comply,bc I'm thinking those consequences through and won't put any in place I'm not prepared to enforce.

THat's HUGE for me.  There was a day I couldn't even fathom the concept, but my trauma informed T has helped me work through the really tough trauma.... I fully believe my shutting down and playing dead was a trauma response and working that out of my limbic system was necessary to get where I am today. 

Maybe you could begin seeing a good Trauma informed T who uses EMDR and other practices to help you process trauma and SEE what's in front of you more clearly.  Once you learn to get your nose off the pebble.... the pebble being yuor wife's shocking and disruptive behaviore in front of your shared children WHILE you;re feeling responsible for her and in spite of her.... you'll have created some spaciousness around that toxic behavior and learned to see EVErYTHING around those pebbles... you'll see the grass and other pebbles and the streams and lakes and trees and sky and birds and beasts which IS space around the pebble, which is just a little pebble when you aren't hyper focused and locked down on it, bc of trauma responses and inability to get out of survival brain.

When in survival brain, you lose access to your frontal cortex, which is where logic, reason and creative problem solving lives in yuor brain.  YOU NEED access to your WHOLE brain in order to process trauma easily and put COWS into perspective.

COWs are CRISIS OF THE WEEK and we all have them.  We all deal with them by worry worry worrying OR we do what we can, then put that story on the shelf....meaning stop thinking about it and seek the joy in front of us every moment instead.

These are vastly different coping strategies and I so want you to notice which you use, decide if it serves  you then create the ability to have more choice in your life, in all things, but particularly around how you allow your wife to treat you, what you will model about FOO for your children......right now what you 've modele is what your children think of as "normal" likely.  There;s still time to model somethign different for them, help them learn through the lessons you might teach if you set boundaries, follow thorugh with conseqeunces and require fair and respectful treatment for yourself, no matter where you live or if yu remain married.

I can feel your stress and anxiety in every your every post.  I understand and have compassion for you.... so very much.

I want you to learn to extend the self compassion you'd give to a young child....
learn to drop judgment and get very curious about what's really going on around you... just don't judge it, notice it....
learn to accept what's in front of you without wishing it was different or neeeeeding it to be something else.  Just...embrace radical acceptance without question.... learn to do it consistently.... it takes time an practice but is the way to feeling better, IME.
Another thing that helps is dropping expectations.... just learn to rest in awareness..... learn to self soothe and learn to be OK no matter what's going on around you, bc it's possible.... it's likely if you work towards it and you can teach yuor childlren as you learn. 

Your wife is an adult and she's become dependent on you.... and you're going to feel responsible and guilty and ashamed about that for a while. Partially bc you might have stopped it back when your wife was less rigid and whatever it is she IS... OCD or some such disordered way of being....but you can take that back anytime and let gently allow her to deal with the consequences of her actions, bc you aren't responsible for saving her from them.  You're responsible for saving yourself  AND teaching your children self care, how to regulate their emotions and how to stand up and be assertive ... how to require respectful treatment and be heard when they feel voiceless and helpless...... you have the honor of teaching your children THAT, J.

Focusing on that one pebble....
that one COW....
how your wife would react to your standing up for yourself......
that's likely a worry worry worry coping strategy that isn't serving you well, IME. 

There's empowerment when one does everything they can then puts the story on the shelf.... just stop thinking about the problem, the COW... get your nose off that vexing pebble and SEE the entire field... the meal, the time being present with your children... really looking them in the eye and connecting with them...... of enjoying fellowship with people who provide reciprocity and laughter..... not stress and judgment and criticism  and threats of rage and dysregulation.

You never know...your wife might be thinking about getting some therapy for herself.  She seems very unhappy and anxious to me..... maybe you moving yourself into steadier waters will be the impetus for her to get help too.
Or not. 

Just know...you have so much more choice than you SEE now and once things start opening up...  once you get your nose off that pebble....
you can do much better than just feel better, which is all I desired when I first began seeing my amazing therapist.

There can be joy and it's much easier than you think.
I promise.

[JustKeepTrying]

jsinjin,

I want to offer you a big hug, a cup of chamomile tea and sit at the kitchen table and be there for you.  You have been so kind to me during our time on here.

It's easy and normal to justify the reason to stay.  Our brains do mental gymnastics to justify our actions.  That's normal.  And most people, like you and I, want what is best for others and we do it out of love, compassion and empathy.  When I look back at all the reasons I made to stay, all the bad behavior I overlooked, everything - I am baffled because in my heart - my core - I am not a person to accept the abuse.  That's not me - but it was me and I justified it everyday.

You are worthy of more.  You are worthy of peace.  You are worthy. 

Something my T asked me to do that may help you - write to what you like about yourself.  And tell yourself - in the mirror - daily if you need to.  It is an exercise to begin to value myself - to value my own needs.  You and I are worthy. 

What she is doing, is not.

[justducky]

What hhaw and JKT said.

  You're in my thoughts.

Bit by bit, step by step, you're on your way to a better, peaceful life.

[Jsinjin]

COWs are CRISIS OF THE WEEK and we all have them.  We all deal with them by worry worry worrying OR we do what we can, then put that story on the shelf....meaning stop thinking about it and seek the joy in front of us every moment instead.

I was going to ask what COWs are.   Thank you! That's a great term.   We seem to have CODs in our family!

[hhaw]

Yes... CODs....
Cows of the day.

It doesn't have to be that way, J.

Look up Trauma Bonding, if you haven't yet. 

And co dependency. 

I think you'll find them very enlightening.

[Free2Bme]

J-

I'm reminded of a song I like by Gavin DeGraw entitled,  "I Don't Wanna Be".   

It's an old rock song and kind of empowering to listen to, IMO.  Reminds me of when I was trying to muster the courage to leave.  (Also, the song "Drive" by Incubus)

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars
Everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters
Everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis
Everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed? I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation-made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be...

[falsebalance2]

Wow hhaw that was really helpful advice!

[hhaw]

: )