Hi there.

[Eaubleu]

Hi All,

My jaw drop when I found this forum, I never thought that there was more people with similar life experiences like mine.

I am 46 and 25 years ago I decided to become an independent person from my family where children were considered an extension of the wishes and desires of their parents.

The cost I paid was enormous in terms of pain and suffering specially from the punishment that came from all my family and relatives. The harassment was endless: hundreds of  phone calls, unexpected visits, letters, etc. I was ostracized from my entire family.

However the worst punishment I received was the defamation from my parents.  My parents were important  members of the community  and socially powerful at the time. Both accused me of being from mentally ill, to a drug addict and a thieve to say the least. All of that was a non-sense as  I was a successful student of the best university of my country  which they stop paying as soon as  I became an “evil” son.  When you are 20 something years old there is no way to defend yourself from the bad things that a parent may say  about you. People always assume that a parent wants only the best for their kids so they tend to believe them.

I found this forum reading an article about the book “Done with the Crying” from Sheri McGregor. In my opinion that book is the ultimate way to defame globally your child as a way of punishment. I also found in Reddit the estranged son’s wife version of the story which is completely different than the one from Mrs. McGregor. Normal and sane parents will never tell to the world the disputes with their children as a way to protect them.  “Dirty washing should be launder at home” as the expression says.

In my case the defamation was so bad that It affected my professional  life after I’ve got graduated. There is no way that you will do well in a community where your parents are your worst enemies. In my case I come from a small country which I had to leave for this reason.

Before I left my country I endured 10 years of constant punishment.  I try to negotiate and get to an understanding with my parents dozens of times in everysingle way possible. Therapy, counseling, mediators, face to face, etc. The answer was always the same; Our way or no way. 

Distance and time helped me to understand the problem and heal my deep wounds. Abroad my talent and skills  flourished and I became very successful.

As a “Toxic Parents” exiled I carefully planned my return. My strategy was to slowly approach not my parents this time  but my relatives and family’s friend one at the time to tell them my version of the story.

Long story short I slowly became the most popular and loved family member. Over the time every single member of my family told me how sorry they were for having believed the lies that my parents said about me. My family is big so every time  I visit my country I have to spend literally weeks attending daily family invitations.

In every trip I made to my own country I always invited my parents and sisters to meet for family reunions. I was always polite and respectful to them but setting boundaries and rules which of course they could not stand.  Always they made a drama in all my trips; Not showing up for family reunions, ending in hospital’s ER, endless bitter and recriminatory emails and phone calls, etc.

Nowadays I have a close relationship with my relatives but NC with my direct family. My parents are discredited and nobody listen their lies anymore.  In my case it was impossible to have a  relationship with my parents and sisters as the closer I got to them the worst things became.  They could not stand that I was doing so well in life independently and out of their control. Their level of hate and anger against me at the end  was  uncontrollable so NC was the best decision for all.  My sisters are completely alienated and under my parent’s control so I could not keep a relationship with any of them.

I have walked all this road which has been the most painful and difficult voyage that I have done in my life. Many of the effective tools described here in this forum  I had to learn them as an autodidact and making many mistakes along the way. My only reference was the book  “Toxic Parents” from S. Forward. To have counted on a web page like outofthefog.net could have saved me so much time and suffering.

My conclusion is that to be loyal to your inner self aiming for your freedom worth it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I flourished as a person when I decided to became independent from my parents and it has been the most important decision that I have made in my life. I have never regretted it. At the end I became the shinny start and them the falling one. It’s sad but justice was made. Tranquility and serenity slowly arrived to my life and it only gets better.

I will keep reading this webpage as it has already helped me a lot to understand better my life and  this deep disagreement that may happen between parents and children.

To walk away from your parents is not a way of punishment as the Rejected Parents believe but a last resort of their children for keeping their mental sanity and become an integral human being. Those rejected parents sadly suffer of acute psychological pain however is not their children’s fault but their own personality weaknesses of which they are not aware.

I hope my experience may help others and learn from others as well. I would really like give back  the love and understanding I received from the very few that believed and trusted me in the darkest moments when nobody else did.

[Starboard Song]

I hope my experience may help others and learn from others as well. I would really like give back  the love and understanding I received from the very few that believed and trusted me in the darkest moments when nobody else did.

I believe so much in the simple value of people being together, hugging, laughing, eating meals. I think kind sociability may be the highest end on this Earth. When you take steps to preserve yourself for kind and productive sociability you are giving back that very instant. Everyone who knows you today is a beneficiary of your struggle, so you've already given back.

But welcome! You told your story very well. And it sounds like you did so much right with very little support or guidance.

I am glad you know you aren't alone.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have found us as you continue your journey. Thank you for this reminder that there is light and hope and it is possible to break free and reclaim our lives from disordered family systems. And that independence is key to finding peace and following our own path. And that all of the hard work and self discovery is worth it.

It is rare when one has been so maligned and smeared throughout the extended family to be able to restore trust with family members who once believed the lies. It has to be of great comfort to you to have been able to do so.

I look forward to your contributions and will see you out on the boards!

[Eaubleu]

I hope my experience may help others and learn from others as well. I would really like give back  the love and understanding I received from the very few that believed and trusted me in the darkest moments when nobody else did.

I believe so much in the simple value of people being together, hugging, laughing, eating meals. I think kind sociability may be the highest end on this Earth. When you take steps to preserve yourself for kind and productive sociability you are giving back that very instant. Everyone who knows you today is a beneficiary of your struggle, so you've already given back.

But welcome! You told your story very well. And it sounds like you did so much right with very little support or guidance.

I am glad you know you aren't alone.

Hello Starboard 

Thanks for your welcome message.

You are right, to come Out of the FOG  helps everybody not just you.

I am glad to feel that I am not alone in this aspect of my life any more.

I have never shared much the experience of my own individualization process because it's not a common experience among people. Very few have had experiences like this one. At least I haven't encountered many in my life.

Happy to be here and very open to learn and receive feedback from others. Relationships can be also excellent mirrors to know yourself better.

Thanks for your kind words 

[Eaubleu]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have found us as you continue your journey. Thank you for this reminder that there is light and hope and it is possible to break free and reclaim our lives from disordered family systems. And that independence is key to finding peace and following our own path. And that all of the hard work and self discovery is worth it.

It is rare when one has been so maligned and smeared throughout the extended family to be able to restore trust with family members who once believed the lies. It has to be of great comfort to you to have been able to do so.

I look forward to your contributions and will see you out on the boards!

Hello Bloomie 

Thanks for your warm welcoming.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and life gets much better on the other side. I did the trip and If I would have not done it  I'd have never accomplished the levels of deep serenity and internal peace I have now in my life. I am 46 and my life has become so fulfilled internally that I'd love to live again.  I didn't think like that a few years ago.

My individualization process was very hard and acutely painful. I was highly programmed by my parents to be what they wanted me to be, leaving me only a tiny bit of inner room and freedom to discover my own inner self.  That along with my level awareness , sensitivity and virtue (a deep sense of courage, self commitment and of doing the right thing) made my process very painful  and long.

Mysteriously, the right people that helped me in the different stages of my process showed up at the right time a long the way. I am very great full to all of them until nowadays. 

I do not hold any resentment or anger against my family because I realized that the source of their punishment against me was not malignity but ignorance and weakness.

In my case justice was made and that was important  part of my own healing process. I am respected and loved member of my family now. It was a long work of mainly communication to give them my version of the story and  change their opinion about me.

My family is big - seven uncles and aunts  from each side ( mother and father) and around 35 cousins per side-  I have to say that in average my indirect family is a lot healthier emotionally than my direct one. That play a big role as they slowly realized that something was really  wrong in mine after we started to spend more time together and they realized that I was not a "monster" . The communication campaign I had to do took years to overcome the decades of defamation from my parents but at the end the truth prevailed.   

Thanks again and I am glad to be part of this community. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome Eaubleu,

Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I am glad you found this website. It is truly amazing what you have done to find your own way in life.

It sounds like in the end, your relatives and kinship system is able to truly embody the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'. Your actions proved authentic, you wanted a loving connection with them and they see this.

The hurtful actions of others, of people in the past who believed the excuses and lies, no doubt those words were finally understood for what they were, and as you said the truth prevailed.

To hold into yourself and to your hope for these loving relationships to develop, wow. I am amazed. It is not easy to hold on during this process you described. 

Your loving actions spoke loudest in the end. Bravo!

You have an important story so I am really grateful you shared it.

[Eaubleu]

Hi Treesgrowslowly 

Thanks for your welcome note. 

Family is not just your parents, there is a whole network behind that may help if you start to communicate to them. The worst is the isolation in my opinion.

My process of individualization finished when I was able to understand what happened between my parents and I without feeling hate and resentment agains them and my family. I have a scar inside me but it doesn't hurt anymore.

My parents were only able to pervert my mind but not my soul. Something deep inside me never let them to corrupt the most inner and pure part of my essence. That essence is me now, I was able to come Out of the FOG in the end so I know is possible.

Reading the forums I see myself in so many of the  stories that are written here. This process of individualization can be shorten a lot with the right guidance and end up in a very fulfilling life. At least in many of the cases I believe.

I made many mistakes  that extended my internal agony. I was too young and inexperienced so I didn't know how to handle the painful smearing and the  "Flying Monkeys" as everybody  calls them here.  On top of all that I had to deal with my own individualization process which is also very painful specially when you have been so perverted.

At least in my case to approach my indirect family was when things  really started to get moving towards healing. For a decade I was smashed and I barely able to defend myself from my parents and their harassment.

In my opinion this acute conflict among parents and their children - as Rejected Parents and Estranged Children-  is a tragedy for both sides. In my experience the conflict is not caused by the malignity of the parent nor of the children but due the  psychological limitations  of the parents and the lack of experience in life of their young  children to deal with something so difficult as with BP parents.

This problem is overwhelming for a young son or daughter in their 20 or 30 which is when this type of conflicts starts when you have BP parents. My main sympathy is for the children as I am one of them but I also feel sorry for the parents as they suffer enormously as well.

To have found this community has caused me great joy as  I don't feel alone anymore in this aspect of my life and I may be my experience may help others  to come Out of the FOG as I did,