my introduction

[somekindofchange]

I grew up in a chaotic home in an enmeshed family. My mom's lack of boundaries lead to a lot of chaos and difficulty. It lead to fights that resulted in my dad beating up my sister (who's older than me) on a few occasions and on one occasion I tried calling the police but they didn't show up. My sister was both the golden child and the scapegoat and would make suicidal gestures to me at times. Things would be chaotic and bad and there were good times then there was more bad. It was chaotic, I don't think I could very clearly parse when was good and when was bad. My mom prioritized displaying a certain family image where we excelled. My sister went on to a prestigious college that's a household name then graduate school at another household name school. I also went to a good school. This masked what was wrong which was never truly acknowledged in a connected way.

I had good experiences in college and had the support of my family financially to do so and the institutions my sister and I were a part of provided protection and some peace in my family. When I graduated I moved back home because I didn't have my things in order enough to be independent. I started working at an independent book publishing company and started going to therapy. I really connected with a therapist in a real way for the first time at that point though it felt like it had some of the same components of my most important friendships. I loved it because of my background and it's satisfying to put a name to things. I also loved my therapist. At my best its aligned with who I am as a person to, and it sometimes felt like the only thing that really matters. My job was unstable and I was paid hourly and as a contractor part time and tutored on the side. I did a lot and worked on very alive and important projects but layers of drama and instability were there to. I had the inner resources from my time of growth with real friends and real opportunity while in college and I sought out new friendships. I moved out to a subleased room and connected with a roommate there which lead me down a road of difficulty which is too much to talk about here. I didn't know how to move forward but I kept taking the next steps. I decided to pursue becoming a therapist because it's my natural proclivity and a part of who I am because of my experiences. There was a time that it felt very clear and now I have many doubts.

This lead me to moving, being a case manager in a different state to get experience in the field and a host of trauma working in the medical field. After the end of my contract I worked as a front desk person determined not to be a part of a system that hurts people with the thinking that a private practice is better positioned to provide positive things for people. This organizational structure also comes with other sets of problems as well. The owner was self-important and irresponsible, he churned through hourly staff. During this time I applied to graduate programs in counseling psychology and got in to all but one. I was laid off shortly after my interviews for these schools. I started school. I had a horrifying and 'call from god' stint working at a coffee shop in downtown san francisco for two weeks after first moving having sought out work there in panic while starting school. My ex boyfriend from college is from sf and happened to frequent the location. I hid from him when he came in then quit. It was not only that but the environment was demeaning which is also why I was ashamed to be seen. I managed to get a work study position in the school's library.

I graduated this year (2022) after three years in school. The school turned out to be very punishing. They heavily discouraged self-disclosure or speaking openly about your own story. I had chosen the school for its relative cost to the other programs and the fact I could afford moving there by driving. I signed up for the weekend program in a panic after being laid off and was not allowed to shift to a daytime schedule after requesting to do so. I took classes over weekends for those three years with the same group of people. The cohort was an eggshell environment. I couldn't take it and I took one half course away my second year to go to my sister's work event immediately prior to thanksgiving for which I was given a lot of encouragement from my advisor/the program's director given the shiny names attached to the event. When I returned she enjoyed letting me know it would extend my degree out a year which she did not disclose beforehand. I accrued 283 hours of therapy sessions during my degree program. Combined with my time working as a case manager it totaled 596 encounters and 215 clients over the last five years excluding people I worked with as a front desk person.

When the pandemic started I also took digital design and web development courses because I did that work to while working at the publishing company and like it. I learned a lot doing that. Creativity helps me.

At every turn--my family. My family makes me feel like I don't exist. Anything that might've happened to me didn't, taking away the thing that really helps when you're going through hard things which is acceptance and being able to talk about it. My mom is now running a smear campaign. During new years a family friend came over and treated me like I was crazy due to the messages my mom told her about me. There are reams of other fucked up things about my family that could be listed off. My mom constantly trying to get me to drink alcohol in a nonchalant way when I'm home. The fact we weren't allowed to have doors as kids but the year we left they were installed. They're all ignored or when they're confronted denied followed by gaslighting. You're the crazy one for thinking it's crazy. And my sister getting hit by my dad was due to the behavior of my sister in my mom's eyes.

It's clear some things are not right with my mom though I feel instinctively uncomfortable even saying that's the case. I also know my sister and I have superpowers because of it, because we feel intuitively some of why that is. When we were babies it was my mom's experience of unconditional love and she never wanted to let that go after that. Any differentiation by my sister became very threatening and became a problem as she grew up. My mom and dad have also had tough life experiences. My mom immigrated to the US from a European country in her twenties. As a kid she was parentified. She was felt up by a family friend then told it didn't happen by her parent. She grew up in a patriarchal and at times vicious culture that labeled her as not smart enough. More can be written about my dad to. Witnessing what happened, it was like he couldn't take anymore and would explode and this was his way of trying to deal.

I feel disconnected from myself now and also numb. There's hopelessness. Even after dedicating much of my life to the field that is about understanding these problems and doing a bunch of reading on my own the cycle continues again. I continue in spurts to need help financially from my parents and I'm afraid of being homeless. I've worked with homeless people in healthcare. My meaningful friendships feel tainted because they don't see my family this way and we met and connected before I became more cognizant. I am especially foggy having just interacted with my family. No matter how hard I work it doesn't matter. No matter how much I prepare with reading and trying strategies. I made a hometown instance, an offshoot from mastodon, and designed it as a support group for people to coalesce around emotionally immature parents, trying to gain support before leaving. I didn't have the time, energy, or support to advertise it or get momentum on it before leaving to see them for the holidays. I am now in a tough position where I'm burnt out but financially stuck. It feels like it's impossible for anyone to understand and that I get gaslit in my family and outside of it. I also feel very deeply for my family.

This is me still trying and trying to get as honest as I can while being coherent.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group somekindofchange,

i think many of us (myself included) have gravitated towards the helping/healing professions as adults as a result of our childhood experiences.  unfortunately, these very same helping/healing professions can recreate the family chaos we are striving to rise above and help others heal from. 

when i read your post i got the sense that you want to be able to be successful as a therapist but feel the push/ pull of your past as a block that is keeping you from fully actualizing that goal - plus you're at the level of your education to the point where it may be hard to switch up and do something completely different.   something i had to learn in my line of work is i can use my past experiences to help me with stuff on the job without me actually sitting down and trading stories or sharing my own personal experience.  i think a lot of that just comes from time and experience both here and IRL.

what kind of outcome are you looking for?   which person in your family do you feel may PD/ uPD?  many of the techniques here can help with all kinds of difficult people, but our collective body of expertise is on people dealing with coping with abuse within a relationship, familial or otherwise, that stems from someone who may have a personality disorder.

[somekindofchange]

Thanks for your response.

It's my mom that seems to be the one with the personality disorder in my eyes. Some of the traits of narcissism and borderline personality disorder can apply. It's undiagnosed to my knowledge, at least she's not aware of having a diagnosis but she's seen therapists. My dad can have narcissistic tendencies as well. I don't like pathologizing people so I'm not so freeflowing and comfy with the language of that. I see the utility though. I don't really ever share my story so much with people I've worked with in the capacity of therapist so that's not really a thing. My story's just as important though.

I want to gain some independence and feel like I like who I am and what I'm doing with stability and peace. Matching that with financial stability is a challenge I'm sure for almost everyone. You can work on the things with soul or that don't serve some shitty male owner but it won't sustain you. I don't want to do therapy anymore, there's the part of me that senses the lack of choice and another that thinks if I can I might manage something else because there are times I've manifested myself into exactly the rooms I've wanted or needed to be in knowing more is always possible than the boxes other people put you in. I don't have a lot of energy though. Another part of me thinks about the things I do like about therapy that have become fainter with trauma and being fucked with in this field and the goalposts always changing. I am very bitter about it.

I want to be free of my pain with my parents and family and resourced when in contact. I want real friends again. Generally feels spot on with much of what you said though

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome.
When I am confused and not sure what to do next, I focus on the most important only. For you that seems to be shelter and food as you are afraid of being homeless.  You mention that you have acquired many skills, some of them should allow you to earn a living. When we have grown up in a dysfunctional family, we often lack the self confidence to apply for better jobs and end up doing work that requires no training. You have a variety of courses you attended, some of them will have given you skills you can earn a self sustaining income with. It's important to begin with the bottom two steps of Maslow's pyramid. We need to be fed and feel safe in our own little space before we can begin to do the other, more difficult work of fixing our way we connect with people.
See you around.