New here, coping with BIL who’ clearly abuses my brother and suffers from NPD

[Just landed]

Hi everyone
So glad to know this forum exists and I think I've found a safe place to vent and get advice. I'm doing a masters in counselling psychology at the moment and just realized that my BIL who is really charming is actually abusing my brother... I went to see my brother be called to the bar and we went out to dinner to celebrate after. BIL was feeling insecure and decided to make the evening all about him even though we were all there to celebrate my brothers success - he ranted about how my brother never would have gotten there without him and he needs him because our family didn't support him or see his strength only BIL did (that's just not true and we all said so) he then berated our whole family and ruined the whole experience - if he was a good person or had any awareness at all he would have been there to celebrate my brother with all of us - my parents are not ok with this and recognized this behaviour as abusive but seem dismissive of doing anything. I spoke with my brother and didn't straight out say you're in an abusive relationship but that I'm concerned about him. He understands - and makes up excuses unfortunately it's a very codependent situation. The problem is that because of my therapy program and speaking with my supervisor she recommends I call the adoption agency where they are currently in the process of adopting a kid and let them know that I believe that my brother is in an abusive relationship (I have witnessed at least 10 other encounters besides this that qualify as physical and emotional abusive behaviour) I think we all let this slide for too long cause our family is accepting and he has had a lot of trauma but no more excuses!  something needs to be done (but I feel equally uncomfortable with the recommendation provided AND with the possibility that they could adopt a kid that could be brought into their abusive relationship with NPS BIL
What to do? Any suggestions? I'm all ears - thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

That's a difficult one. I understand and support your concern about bringing a child into an abusive relationship. However, I wonder, if you inform the one adoption agency, will they pay attention to what you say and can't your brother and your BIL not just go to another? If your brother learns about this, will that not damage your relationship and deprive you of keeping an eye out for him? PDs tend to isolate their partners, especially from people they perceive as a threat.
From my own experience, nobody can make us see what we don't want to see. Your brother will have his moment of clarity. This might be now or in 10 years time. Try to be there for him then, the one person who hinted that his partners behaviour was not normal, not kind, not loving, but never forced him to do anything about it. The person who respects his choices, even if you don't approve. Role model healthy relationships for him. Hope that he will turn to you when he is at his lowest and realizes where his co-dependency has taken him. Good luck!

[Just landed]

Thank you so much - that makes sense to me. I was leaning towards something like that. My mom also is going to speak with my brother this weekend and hint that she's not ok with that behaviour too. Here's to hoping they don't bring a kid into the abuse. And my brother gets out safely ...