First post

[Sunshine987]

Good morning-this is my first post. I have decided that I want to start actually grieving the loss of the family I have grown up in. There is sooo much to share, but to start with, my parents divorced when I was very and my sister was a baby. There are rumors in the family that it involved cheating, but nothing is confirmed. My parents went through a tense custody battle and I have memories of my mother crying during the day in the beginning. I would always try to cheer her up. One day, I recall my dad showing up at her house at night and the police were called. I cried and screamed. The next day, he apologized but seemed very flippant about it all. Me and a cousin who was there are both still confused by the situation because he always presented himself as a godly man. There was also a time where he drove past her at the bus stop and yelled out that she is a wicked witch. Looking back, I'm realizing he wasn't completely wrong.

There ended up being a joint custody arrangement between them. The older I got, the more I started to realize and experience some traumatic experiences. My parents both dated after the divorce, but o noticed that my father had more steady relationships and my mother had more frequent turnover. Around the time I was about 10 my father met a woman who I had a bad feeling about and even had a bad dream about the day before meeting her. To keep is short, this woman was not very kind or good with kids. I tried to voice my concerns to my parents. My dad would minimize it. My mom would get annoyed when I brought it up. I remember feeling horrible, rejected, alone and hopeless.

At the same time, my mother started to become more and more emotionally toxic. She would start the morning off with complaining about something I did wrong and would give the most awful looks of disgust. It was relentless. I remember many days where I was in tears before even going out to face the world at school. It was very sad.

I started to act out in middle school, one because I actually found a group of good friends who liked me, supported me and allowed me to be myself. Two, I started to act out because I had a lot of anger and frustration build up. My dad and his girlfriend started to argue more and more. There were constantly days where I would wake up and hear the muffled yelling from their bedroom . It was clear that they had some serious issues. My dad lost his high paying job not long after they purchased a house together. There was a lot of tension. When I went to my mothers house, I was still dealing with her increased hostility and misery being taken out on us. I recall one day being around 12 years old, she looked at me and said "you disgust me". I was devastated and cried so bad. She felt bad and said she was sorry and she asked me not to tell her boyfriend who was coming over. It seems that she wasn't happy about the friends I had and would often call me demanding I come home. When I my body started to develope, she would accuse me of being an exhibitionist, and she would constantly get mad when I looked in the mirror. She would say things like "you always looking in the mirror", as if that's not what all teenage girls do. At the age of ten, one of her boyfriends had to point out to her that I had hardly any clothes to choose from and that's why I was dressing the way I was. Looking back it's heartbreaking that it took a stranger to point out that I had hardly any clothes. This prompted her to make a trip and buy some things.  My mom seemed to hate the fact that I was beautiful Growing up with her was beyond hell. I will be honest, most of the times I would defend myself and argue back. It's a miracle I didn't end up worse off. One nice thing about the joint custody was it allowed me and my sister to get away from each toxic environment before it got too bad. My dad was also more emotionally stable and loving aside form and despite the issues with his partner.

Fast forward to teenage/high school years- I was started to feel the effects of the homes take more of a toll. I had less friends and support because their work schedules prevented me from any activities. Plus switching houses made it difficult to get involved in the community because they lived across town from each others. I was forced to transfer school districts to the "better" one when my dad moved. This meant that on the days at my mothers, I would have to wake up early enough for her to drive across town so that I can go to school. I knew not one soul in this school district. I think it was all about my dad and his wife  having bragging rights that I went to that school. I would describe that time as very isolated. I would cry constantly. One day, a teacher at the school asked me what was wrong and I just told her it was all too much. Thank God, the following year I went back to my old school district. . My dad was engaged to his partner and then married. She and I continued to have problems, she would give me looks of intimidation and was always trying to make herself out to be better than us. She was a master manipulator and a liar. There was one school night where I was upstairs in my room and I came down to realize they were in the beginning of an argument. I heard her on the phone saying something about "he's tripping about this whole pregnancy thing". My stomach sank. Next, there was more arguing. My dad called the police because she said if she had a gun she would kill him. The police came and removed the weapons from the home. They talked with each of them outside. It was very strange. The next day, I asked my dad if she was pregnant and he said yes. We didn't talk about any with the police, it was basically just shoved under the rug. I was devastated when I went to school the next day. I couldn't believe he was having another kid at his age and I couldn't believe the circumstances under which we found out.
Not long after my brother was born, they were arguing again. One day, they brought their argument downstairs. I told my dad earlier in the day that she had called my family members ghetto. When they came down, my dad asked me to repeat what she said. I told the truth and she accused me of lying. Next thing you know, she went upstairs and was holding her newborn baby. She said "I don't have to take this from some hoe. Hoe! Hoe! I couldn't believe what was happening. I started taking my shoes off to whoop her ass, but since she was up the steps, she would have had the advantage of waiting for me to get up there and she was cowardly enough to hold the baby. I was crying and enraged. The only thing that came out of this was that she apologized and said of course she didn't mean it. My dad never talked to me about it. I told my mom and I don't think she did anything either.
I eventually got into college and left their homes. This is just part 1. I am in my early 30s but in the time since I left their homes at 18/19 I have only been to either of their houses a few times.

During college, I just stayed away from them for the most part. One day, my boyfriend at the time called her to ask her if a male friend of mine was actually just a friend and if she knew who he was. She stabbed me in the back by telling him that she thought we were more than friends, but she did at least tell him the truth that she never seen anything 100% confirming. I remember this day, it felt like a part of me had died. I was shocked to learn that day that I do not have a mom, I have an hate filled jealous witch instead. I basically stopped talking to her for a while.

When I became pregnant with my child, somehow me and my mom were at an okay place. There was a ton of turmoil with many younger sister who was now a teenage. She was kicked out of both of my parents house during her teenage years. My mom was happy and supportive about the pregnancy. My dad was clearly unhappy that I wasn't married yet, but it also seemed that he was unhappy about something else. I think it was loss of bragging rights that I wouldn't be a career driven miniature version of himself. We were on the same cell phone plan and he would habitually not pay him and my sisters portion of the bill unless I contacted him to ask him to pay it. He was also coming to my husbands job to get his car fixed. I remember the day my son was coming home from the hospital after he was born, my dad had to have some complex repair done on his car. I remember being pissed off because my boyfriend was stressed about getting it done, which was a distraction of the joyful occasion of my son coming home. It felt like my dad intentionally wanted to take away from that. When my dad, his wife and my siblings came to to hospital to visit, it was weird. My gift was a hand me down pillow from my step mom.

One day, I was starting to really get into a nice routine with my life. We had moved to a nicer apartment, my boyfriend was working and making money, we got engaged, my baby was healthy and happy. I was looking forward to my teenage sister coming over so we could hang out and she could spend time with the baby. I was all excited and when my sister showed up, she started off with telling me about how my dad and his wife took her to a park and talked to her about how I was a bad example for her with having a child before marriage and completing college. She said she told them "well that's still my sister". After that, she stated to say that now since I have my son and boyfriend, I still can't forget about my "other family" meaning her, my dad, stepmom, and brother. I was shocked because every time I tried to reach out to her, my texts and calls went ignored. I even bought her a new phone so that we could keep in touch and she never answered or reached out to me. After my sister said this, we started to argue and I told her that the family doesn't seem to be concerned with me and my baby. I told her she could get the f$ck out. She left in a flurry. My adrenaline was pumping. I think I called her after she left and it went to voicemail. Next, as if this story couldn't get any worse, I get a call from my dad and he starts yelling like a phycho "what's this s$&t you said about the baby. He went off and told me I better get some f@?cling help!". I felt completely depleted and not long after was when I had my first panic attack. Months went by, and it was less tense but ultimately I had to tell my dad that I didn't want him coming to my boyfriends job anymore. I also removed him from my cell phone plan. My sister later told me that on the day he was removed from my cell phone plan, they were in the car and he said "I should go over there@ talking about my apartment. I already had plans to call the police if he did. For a while, we had super low contact, about 10 years. That's pretty much where things have been with him. I'm actually at peace about it all.

Where things get more complicated  recently is with my mom and sister. My sister has never been an involved aunt. She would never post anything about my son on social media, never just called to see how he was doing. She would also ignore my texts to see how she was and say hello. So when she got pregnant, I was shocked to get a text message from one of her friends saying she got my number from my sister and she wanted to see if I wanted to help her plan a baby shower. At first I said yeah but I was pissed and asked my sister why she gave her friend my number. She made light of it. I eventually told her friend I couldn't do it. There was more drama with my sisters living situation and eventually she got a subsidized house. It was clear that she was struggling with taking care of the baby and had a ton of babysitters helping her to work and still smoke plenty of weed. I felt pressured to babysit and was watching her baby overnight once every couple of months, despite working full time and having my own young child. At this point my child was about 5 and she had never babysat for even an hour. It continued with this dynamic for a while with her rotating babysitters every weekend so she could party or get a break. The child's father went to prison when the baby was  6 months old.

Me and my mom had been pretty low contact, she would occasionally babysit, maybe once or twice per year. A couple of years ago, we were starting to text a little more, but her and my sister were having more issues. My sister was becoming very aggressive and forceful with my mom to get babysitting as much as possible. It was becoming a problem for them and my mom was very stressed out about it all. I was still just doing what I could for my sister, despite her ignoring my calls and texts to just get closer. She was also doing nothing for my son. I was okay with this, just trying to still be a kind older sister. Deep down there was a little bit resentment. One day, I was actually having a good day, about to go to an arcade with my husband and son. I received a text from my sister saying she was suicidal !!! I felt like someone took a bat to my gut. I called her and she was very withholding with her feeling s and  what was going on. She asked me to watch her baby for a while. I told her I couldn't but I would call my mom. I called my mom and she had to go pick up the baby. My mom asked me if I would come to her house with my son that day. I felt it was so strange that we never get invited over just to hang out but she wanted me to spend the day cancelling my arcade plans to sit around there and be sad about my sister. I ended up turning my phone off for the day.

Since then, it was pretty much the same, me doing what i could for my sister despite little appreciation or returned effort. I was just tryna make it work. Eventually, I got to point where I was sick of it. My husband had a medical situation come up and so did I, right around the same time. I just want willing to deal with all the drama anymore. My mom was still inconsistent in our relationship, my sister would ignore me unless I was offering to babysit-then she would reply in 3 minutes or less. My mom would also call or text me to complain about my sister. Yet, she also showed favoritism to my sister and her daughter. It was really toxic. She would always tell me about babysitting my niece, for a year or so. One day, I asked if my son could get a visit with her and that text went ignored for months. It was a blow. One year for Christmas, me and my son went over to her house and she had this huge gift out for my niece. Nothing for my son. I could tell her was a little hurt about it but nothing too crazy. I never mentioned it and still made the most of the day. A year later, when it was almost time for Christmas, she said on the phone "I need to make sure to keep their gifts equal. It seems like he was comparing." That is so sick and I know she did it on purpose. Even one of my family members said "I think she's trying to make you jealous" . I still tried to be the bigger person and stay involved. There was situation on the news that I can't go into, but it involves my sister. It opened my eyes to the fact that she has more secrets in her lifestyle. I was determined to keep distance. During Covid, we didn't do the Christmas celebration together and boy was it peaceful. I started to realize how much I dreaded and hated it all. My mom would guilt trip and obviously struggled with not having this allusion of a normal family we did every year. I really love Christmas so since we stopped doing it at her house, I have been really happy. So a year and a half ago, I held Christmas at my house with my husbands family. I got a text from my sister at 9 am about her drama with her child's father whom she has a very toxic dynamic with where they fluctuate between being together and wanted to kill each other. I was annoyed to deal with that the morning after Christmas. She continued over the course of the next couple months to call or text me to vent, complain about him, her life challenges, etc. I was naive to think we were starting to get close. For Christmas I sent her daughter a brand new coat every year, always purchase clothes when I could, baby say for the entire weekend sometimes, let her have money a couple of times. It all became clear that Christmas when she did not buy my child one single gift. A month later, the week leading up to his birthday, she was on Facebook saying she was sooo depressed. She said she couldn't make his bday party because of work. I was fine with that. She did not wish him happy birthday on Facebook but a couple weeks later she texted me on a Friday to say "sorry it's last minute but can you babysit for the entire weekend!" I told her no. A month later, it was her daughters bday and I sent gifts in the mail but told her I couldnt make the party because of work. It was a lie but I just didn't feel up to it on so many levels. Her response was to tell me she was so over me and my excuses and she told me "lose my number babe". I was in complete shock. I just decided to take her advise and lose her number. It's been a long process of grief, but I now realize that I'm better off. After a couple months of not talking to her, I got a call from a cousin that my sister was on Facebook talking about me and saying I don't do enough for her or my niece and she was alluding to something about me having Al strange behavior. I was so angry, I wanted to fire back and tell all her business, but I didn't. I haven't spoken to her in a year and a half and it's amazing to see how much my mental and emotional health has improved. My life is great I'm so many ways; financially, socially, romantically, my child is great, I have peace. After a bunch of arguments between my mom and sister, my mom was always complaining to me or involving me in it. My mom said she was unable to attend my sons birthday party, but two months later she made it to my nieces party. I realized that all along she was using me to support her emotionally but could care less about returning that. I spent time and energy being there for her after all of their arguments and she turns around and again doesn't show up for my kid but was there for hers. It's really sick. One day, got my mail and there was a note from my mom asking me to call a life insurance company because there was some policy she had on me that required a change because I'm married. I was pissed she didn't just call me. Long story short, that turned into an arguement because I
wanted to cancel the policy. We didn't talk for months until she sent my husband and birthday card and I felll into the cycle and called her to say thanks. Despite constantly babysitting my for my sister, there was one day where I asked her to babysit my son for an important doctors appointment. I didn't tell her it was for an appointment because I don't want her in my business, but still she knew and agreed months an advance. Plus she had not watched him more than once or twice that year. Would you believe she had the nerve to cancel on me a few weeks beforehand! It's like you can't depend on her for anything and the trauma of her doing this only intensified the difficulty of going through the medical treatment.

 Well since me and my sister haven't been talking, it seems my mom has resorted to the silent treatment. Last year on Christmas Eve, she texted me in the morning g saying that the devil is trying to get to her. She also called another family member to start an argument with them for no reason. I felt like she wanted me to be focused on her feelings and to guilt trip me so that I couldn't fully enjoy my family and the special day. After her text, it was like a dark cloud was hovering. I tried to cheer her up since it was the holiday. I asked to see her tree and she sent me a picture. I told her how nice it was an was genuinely interested. She never asked for a picture of my tree. I sent her one anyway. I felt like she wanted me to make her feeling my job. I just wanted to focus on myself, my son and my husband that day. A month later, when I had my sons bday party, she couldn't make it. I did invite my dad. I was shocked when he showed up and had my niece with him. It was great having her there though, but it sort of feels like he wants to force me and my sister to be involved with each other. A couple months later, for the first time in 10 years, he asked to have my son over for a visit so him and my niece could be together. It was nice, but it's a little strange that he wants to do that now all of a sudden. The last things are the most recent and I'm just at a point of being done with this.

So for Memorial Day, I invited my dad his wife and my brother over for a cookout. He said yes they would be there but then asked would it be okay for him to bring my sister and niece because he wanted to have his own "core family@ together. It was so weird. He knows that we haven't been talking, so why would he think she could come to my house? Plus, he played a role in me and my sisters relationship deteriorating because he would talk about me to her and send messages through her. It's just corny at this point. I told him never mind about the cookout and said I would prefer to connect with my sister snd niece separately at another time. We have still texted a couple times since then though.

With my mom, two weeks ago, right after having an amazing 4th of July with my husbands family, I woke up to realize she had unfriended me on Facebook. There was no warning or anything. My guess is that she sees I am happy and fulfilled with other people who love me, and it made her angry. She also probably wants to bait me into an arguement, but I refuse. That's it. But I'm really at a point of being done and it's hard but it's best. My life has only improved the further I move from them.

[bloomie]

Sunshine987 - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for sharing the painful journey so far with your family of origin. (foo) I am really glad you have reached out as you begin this time of grieving all of these experiences and so many more I am sure you have lived through.

I notice that through your post you mention that distance brings peace and a certain stability to your life that is helpful to you in every way. How wise to see that and do what brings you a better chance to heal and grow and fully enjoy the good and valuable life and family you have built for yourself.

Living with the shadow of the threat of high conflict between family members has to have taken a huge toll on your nervous system.

My hope is the resources and conversations taking place here will be a balm to your heart and your will benefit, as I have, from this compassionate community.

Keep reading and sharing! We are glad you are here!