hi I am new here

[i remember now]

hello I am new here, looking for a way to start to talk about what happened with people that can relate

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! We are here to listen when you are ready to talk.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group i remember now-


when you are ready to share more let us know what kind of uPD/ PD relationship you are dealing with.  here's a primer on the different disorders that can fall under the PD/ uPD umbrella.

Disorders

[i remember now]

Thank you. I am currently recovering after well a life time of Narcissistic abuse at the hands of my mother. Sadly this is what she experienced as a child. She was severely abused by her father in terrible ways, so i think that it just shaped her that way.  My therapist seems to suggest that it is almost certainly the case. So there is no point in blaming. This is generations in the making. There really is no fault and i get it, but i will not let trauma pass on anymore. I am getting help for the trauma. And post traumatic stress.  Memory has come back bit by bit. The inner critic in my head is gone. And i do not feel anger anymore. I aim to love instead of hate and am working very hard on myself. Well just becoming me. Not just a pleaser with no voice and no boundary's. I am in no contact for most of the time and she knows that i cannot let her back in until  i am certain she will not lie, manipulate and threaten anymore or turn the family against me.  I told her she had to choose to get help, that this is not for me to decide.  It took some hard work facing that i had never grown up and did not know much of the world or how to love myself. I woke up after a smear campaign after a failed relationship and looked around at my life and at myself and recognised the things that happened. This was nothing new. It felt very familiar. Then i caught my mother in what i believed was her first lie. But it was not a first. It was my reality . She had been putting her pain and shame in me since i was a little kid. But the memory was first only stored in my body and in triggers. I had to wake up to it and see it with grown up eyes. For this I had to first heal enough to talk. Now here is the thing. I do not know how to trust others anymore. But I do trust myself. I confronted my mother why she dropped me off with her abuser when i was only 6, why she turned the family against me, why so many things. It was hard to talk at first because i had been made to believe i was crazy for so long. But then i saw the rage and the hate and the revenge and all that i had put away in a dark corner of my mind. The angry eyes that haunted me now were right there before me as an adult. So then I knew I could trust myself. It was true indeed. It was real. I am not crazy but did need to work on growing up . So i did. But the lack of trust for people remains. It will not stop me from living. I am happy.I do not really talk about this to anyone accept in therapy because i will not let this define my life or that of my kids anymore. But I just cannot allow anyone to get close accept for my kids. We have grown closer after I said I was sorry to them for sometimes not being there for them in the way they needed before I woke up to myself and to life. So how can i set the example for myself and for my kids in trusting because it is holding me back, and sometimes I do not want to be around anyone anymore. How can i work on this.
thank you for the welcome