He's really not interested

11JB68 · January 13, 2020, 10:44:47 PM

He's really not interested in having a conversation with me.
It's very strange.
He wants me here. Hates if I go out without him... He gets'lonely'.
Wants me in the room while he watches TV, wants me to stay up with him at night.
Also he wants to tell me about his day. But geez when it's my turn I start to talk and, with a mouth full of cookies he mumbles 'these are hard'. I was so confused, thought he was commenting on what I was talking about. Nope. Complaining about the cookies! 'can you nuke these for 5 seconds?'
Then he starts to search YouTube on the TV. I was mid sentence!
Good grief.
Also at game night at friends house, he was getting irritated any time I was trying to have conversations while playing the game. He wants it to be all business/just play the game.
This has been a pattern lately.
I'm mcing it. He stops listening, I stop talking. Even if I think there's some piece of info he should have, nope I'm done.

NumbLotus · January 13, 2020, 11:11:49 PM

He's completely consumed by himself

That hurts.

SparkStillLit · January 13, 2020, 11:18:28 PM

I'm sorry. I get this too. Or doing something loud while I'm talking, where I know he can't hear. Running the water, microwaving. I'll stop in the middle of a word and not say another thing. Doesn't notice.
Silencing, I believe this is called. It's ridiculous and horrid. So we've no voice. I think it's one of the things that makes me sometimes be embarrassingly verbose when I find a person who is listening to me. It's like all my pent up words come pouring out and I want to clap my hands over my mouth and apologize. Do you ever find yourself doing that??? Or is it just me???

notrightinthehead · January 14, 2020, 02:59:10 AM

and the bitter part for me in this situation is, that we have accepted that kind of treatment for so long

Whiteheron · January 14, 2020, 07:13:58 AM

Quote from: SparkStillLit on January 13, 2020, 11:18:28 PM
I'll stop in the middle of a word and not say another thing. Doesn't notice.

I've done this before, and stbx hadn't noticed either. If I said something to him about it, he'd reply that I was droning on and on, how was he supposed to listen?

Also, when I've been mid-sentence, stbx has started talking about a completely unrelated topic. As if I hadn't been talking at all! I would point out that I'd been talking to him about something he needed to know, but again, insults about me not quickly getting to the point, not being able to form coherent sentences, being too boring, etc. He's left the room before, grabbed his phone and made a phone call, turned on the tv or his videogames. All of this his petty little way of letting me know I didn't matter. I wasn't important. I was beneath him.

In the moment I was hurt, but I did realize at the time what it made him look like. I mean, what grownup does this to another? I stopped talking to him, which I'm sure he preferred. The sound of his voice and his alone.

BeautifulCrazy · January 14, 2020, 09:38:48 AM

That's me shaking my head in sympathy.
I could type forever on this topic. Disinterest is a huge thing with my PDh. Not just conversations either.
I live with all the things posted so far.

Dang...
I know it isn't much but I am listening!!
You are interesting, funny, perceptive people who deserve respect and validation and attention.
I'm sorry you are also being silenced like this. Grrrrr.

Yes SparkStillLit, I do sometimes become the rushing torrent when someone takes the time to listen!! My job involves being all alone and lots of driving too so I can literally go days at times without interacting with another adult.

You are right Whiteheron, grownups should not behave that way. It's shameful.

Thank you very much for starting this conversation 11JB68. Picturing all of you going through the same things I live with really makes a few things clear...
-It isn't me who is unworthy of his time, attention, respect etc.
-What he is doing is disrespectful, invalidating, controlling and oppressive.
-I (WE!) don't deserve to be treated this way.

Veloter · January 14, 2020, 11:22:27 AM

It just baffles me that they are all so alike! The whole "lonely" bit; it's just control. He wants to control where you are and what you are doing, even though they are not remotely interested in anything you have to say. I just stopped talking. Why waste my breath? He doesn't even notice. If he asks a question, I will give a short answer.

What struck me is that he wants you in the room, at all times. I have had this same issue and it is to the point where he even wants to tell me where in the living room I should sit. When I was across the room, on my phone or computer, he would accuse me of doing something sneaky; he couldn't see what I was doing. I gave in for a short time and then pushed back on that one.

What I'm dealing with now is when I get home from work, he expects me to eat dinner and then sit in front of the TV all night. I work 10 hour days and sit for most of them; the last thing I want to do is sit. I need to get stuff done, like all the chores that he thinks he is too good for (he's retired, home all day). But if I go upstairs or do anything, I'm avoiding him, or i don't want to be around him. I'm really pushing back on this now and he can just deal.

He also interrupts and changes the subject when I do talk. He does it with other people too. IF we are not talking about him or what he wants to discuss, he will completely change the subject to the point where people just look confused, like "what just happened?" It's embarrassing.

I could go on and on. The point is that we just need to continue setting boundries, as uncomfortable as that is. Everything they do is a form of control.

NumbLotus · January 14, 2020, 11:35:13 AM

I don't have a narc but I think they feel like they don't exist if someone is not around. They aren't "lonely" for YOU, just needing someone else to know they exist.

I get cranky about some stuff, and if my H accused me of "avoiding" him as I did chores I'd probably take a leaf out of the PD handbook and thrn jt around.

"Hmph, there you go again. Avoiding me."
"I think you're avoiding ME."
"What?"
"I think you leave the laundry and vacuuming for me knowing I'll have to do them, and you just want to avoid me when I come home."
<Seethes in silence but at least shuts up lol>

ICantThinkOfAName · January 14, 2020, 01:39:45 PM

NumbLotus... I love it
"I think you leave the laundry and vacuuming for me knowing I'll have to do them, and you just want to avoid me when I come home."

Yeah. I started getting this too, he actually turned up the volume of the TV while I was mid sentence as if my blathering was causing him to not be able to hear the TV. Many times I'll be talking and he'll just ask a question about something in the fridge. I'll just stop talking and answer his question. The thing that I'm working on is actually not talking to him about anything that interests me at all. Cause I'll get caught up thinking oh this is nice, I get to talk about something I enjoy rather than him going on and on. Then he'll just plain interrupt with something he cares about and cut me off. He'll see how excited I am to discuss what I'm discussing and that's when it happens.

Of all the things he does, this is one of the ones that is showing me who he is and how he feels.

I'm sorry that so many of us are experiencing this. Just thought I'd throw mine in the mix, but hearing everyone else's just pains me... oooofff

FoggyBritches · January 14, 2020, 02:54:40 PM

My partner does the same. Wants me to stay up late. Wants me to watch TV with them, even though they just look at their phone the whole time. If I want to go to bed early it is treated as a betrayal. If I want to watch something they aren't interested in they will go to bed and treat me like I ruined their night because they were "forced" to go into the bedroom.

Numerous times I will be talking and if it feels like they aren't paying attention I will just stop midsentence and most of the time they wont even notice. If they do notice, they accuse me of being passive aggressive. Other times I will just be cut off midsentence with something that is more important to them. If I just stop communication I am told that I dont know how to talk to people.

ICantThinkOfAName · January 14, 2020, 02:58:27 PM

Foggy... this is nail on the head stuff! Wow. What gets me is the amount of guilt I feel when it comes to the TV stuff. Why??? What the hell is that inside me that gets triggered? This has been a great thread... I'm off to think about this.

FoggyBritches · January 14, 2020, 03:06:32 PM

Icanthinkofaname, it really is astounding to me too. In my case, I get gaslighted quite a bit. I didn't even know what gaslighting was before, but once I found out about it there are so many examples I can think of that happen to me.

It really does a number on me as I find myself initially questioning if something is my fault a lot of the time. Then I realize how ridiculous it is to feel guilty about these things. The guilt is just a way of being controlled and a way of making them feel safe.

losingmyself · January 14, 2020, 04:32:13 PM

Wow. Yes yes yes to all of this. I don't have anything to add, really. It's amazing how we can all say the same things!
I do find myself opening my mouth, then shutting it because I know that telling him something I saw that I liked, or a thought I had, just isn't worth it.
What I wanted to say was that it's so nice to have a place like here, where someone is listening, and understands. And people who care, and wish all of us well, even though we've never, and probably never will meet.
I remember saying something to my boss a while ago, and he told me to do whatever I thought was best, or something like that. I remember thinking to myself "wow. He just listened and validated me and my idea." It was such a change from what I usually get. It felt good. And people should always feel like that, but to me, or us, it's like getting a gift we didn't expect.

11JB68 · January 14, 2020, 10:17:06 PM

Veloter, I have a lot of similar issues. I work all day outside the home, often 7:30-5 or 5:30. Then have to come home wait on him make dinner and sit and watch TV all night.
He works from home, but of course works much harder than anyone else, his work is so hard he had to stop working around 3...

1footouttadefog · January 15, 2020, 01:48:29 PM

My pdh is more about himself all the time also.

He recently changed the conversations, or attempted to, several times in very obvious ways. It was pathetic.

He will also just phase out when we are in the middle of answering his questions.

I spend little time entertaining him these days.

CagedBirdSinging · January 16, 2020, 02:26:09 PM

Wow.. I think we are all married to the same person! Thank you for starting this thread, and to everyone who has posted. My dN/BPDh does this all the time.. he has no interest in conversation with me. Weekends can be so lonely. Also I get the whole guilt tripping thing if I go to bed early.. wants me in the room but doesn't want to talk to me.

IME it is so so important to keep up contact with friends and family, to try to have at least one normal conversation each day, with someone who listens to you.

Here's another aspect of this.. H refuses to show any reaction to stories I tell or news I share. I could tell him something really funny and there is no reaction at all, just a mild 'hmmph.' I tell the exact same story to my sis or my mom... they are laughing uncontrollably, asking me more details, sharing similar stories. It makes me realise hang on, I am funny, I am smart, I am worth talking to.

This is such a cruel aspect of pd behaviour and can really knock your confidence. Please everyone remember it's not you, it's another of game. You are all kind, interesting, articulate people and you deserve to be listened to.

ICantThinkOfAName · January 16, 2020, 03:07:26 PM

CagedBird. Yes agree. I can have the same conversation with someone else and get a completely different reaction. I try to put myself in his shoes or situation to try and figure out what he's thinking or why he might be doing it and all I can come up with is when I'm overwhelmed at work and focused on something really important, like I have to get something DONE RIGHT NOW or my boss will be on me. Yet every time he does it, there is no pressing or urgent matter, except maybe what's on TV. It's almost like he has no control over his apathy for me. He can't even fake it.

Lauren17 · January 16, 2020, 09:55:39 PM

Yes. Yes. And Yes.

Cagedbird, my uPBDh also refuses to react to my stories or statements by responding to anything with "ok"
Me: Today the oven had a failure and the alarm wouldn't reset. So I had to unplug it.
H: ok.
Me: DD got 105% on her math exam. She was jumping up and down with joy.
H: ok.

He doesn't talk about himself either, and when I attempt to engage him, I get one word responses. (Depending on the day. Often he won't respond at all)
Me: How was your day?
H: Fine.
Me: What did you get for lunch today?
H: Food.

Lately, he'll turn the TV to something I like and when I sit down to watch, he switches to a movie that he knows I won't watch (violent or offensive or just plain stupid). Then he picks up his phone and ignores the movie. I finally realized this was another method of control, so I usually head to bed with a book as soon as the kids are in bed.

It's these minor, repetitive, crazy making things that you just can't share with most people. They just can't empathize with the situation. Thank you Out of the FOG friends for being here to listen and "get it"