Co-parenting with controlling pd

11JB68 · October 20, 2020, 09:16:11 PM

In another thread someone used an example of a pdf freaking out about a college agree daughter getting a piercing.
This is the kind of thing Updh and I have argued about again and again.
Ds 'knows better' than to show up with a piercing or tattoo.
Updh has tried to make me feel like I'm 'too nice' or trying to be ds's 'friend' or that I'm somehow not being a very good parent because I won't yell at/criticize ds or tell him what to do.
Updh has'freaked out' over hair that he feels is too long, t-shirts that he feels are too punky, outfits that he feels 'look gay', etc.
I know that in the 'old days' this type of parenting was maybe fairly common.
I just don't agree with it.
How much of this is 'normal' (but not my style) parenting vs pd controlling behavior?

blunk · October 21, 2020, 06:58:23 AM

Please understand that this is just my opinion, and that I do not have children.

Your son is an adult (you mentioned in another post that he is old enough to vote). Your H's behavior seems to be just about control. Not to say that there can't be rules if your children live in your home, but telling any adult what they can and cannot wear, how they should style their hair, or whether they are allowed to get a tattoo/piercing is control. As for being your son's friend...yes they need structure and possibly even discipline (within reason) as they are growing and learning right from wrong.

But a parent is also supposed to teach that child to think for themselves, and that means that sometimes the child's thoughts or opinions may be different from that of their parents. I believe this is an issue for PDs as they see their spouses and children as extensions of themselves. And they see these differing opinions, thoughts, and/or styles as an attack on who they are.

Despite what your H says, developing a friendship is a natural part of the parent child relationship as the child becomes an adult. And, I can imagine, having that type of relationship with a non-PD parent is even more important for a child who has grown up with a PD parent.

SparkStillLit · October 21, 2020, 07:36:12 AM

Your DS is twenty TWO. Imo that ship has sailed. Just as an aside, having rather similar parenting issues with DD19 who is in the MILITARY no less, like anything we say has ANY influence!!!
You hope your former teaching was sufficient guidance and you let go. If they ASK, fine.
Plus I am trying to still guide my one at home to be kind and have more tolerance and not be ugly in the way of things are "too gay" or hair or cars are "lesbian" or ugly shit like that (what IS IT with these people????). That is NOT the kind of thing I want to model to my children. DD isn't that way at ALL, very much the opposite. I'm hoping between her former influence and mine, DS will be a decent human too.
Imo again, they ramp that mess up as they see control slip away. It's crazy with DD, nearly laughable, a government agency essentially "controls" her, and updh went so ballistic with the....well everthing really....she actually went NC with him for about a month when she was under duress. He went NUTS. Went after me.
I find the whole thing really trying.
I grey rock stuff, information diet, nobody gives in to his demands, she's gone so he can't work her over, but he does it to me. I can get away from him. I don't know how useful any of this is in your situation because you all live together.

losingmyself · October 21, 2020, 08:22:29 AM

My 18yo DD has moved 5 hours away. She is making her own life, and although I still 'parent' her, because I'm a mom, I don't have any expectations that she'll listen to me, and she shouldn't have to. It's her life, and I respect that. When I tell H that she called or text, he gets agitated and starts asking questions "did she get a job yet? Has she found an apartment yet? I bet she's not even looking." And a slew of other insults. I don't ask. His timeline for these things is not consequential at all. He always says "You're just trying to be her friend" Ok.. She's an adult, living on her own. I don't know how discipline would work into this situation.
He's very against tattoos, and it's a thing she's very interested in, so she'll show up with them and it'll be another thing for him to complain to me about her.
Last night he said "The only thing you two have in common is you both start things and NEVER finish them" Oh, but that was finished with the old "Just kidding"
The loss of control has turned her into all bad for him. If he can't control her, then all he can do is hate her.
I almost felt bad, when she left a month or so ago, she barely even said goodbye to him. She might have waved and said "Bye", but you get what you dish out.
I keep telling him she's an adult, and I have no control over what she does

Medowynd · October 26, 2020, 02:34:29 AM

And then they never understand why they have no relationship with their children. They can't understand why the child has a relationship with one parent and none with the other. I saw that in my parents' marriage and have seen that with my step kids and their mom. They barely talk to her and spend no time with her, and she doesn't understand why.

Boat Babe · October 26, 2020, 07:19:48 AM

If they did understand, they wouldn't have PDs. That's the root of the pathology.

Utterly tragic for the people in their families, and ultimately themselves.

losingmyself · October 26, 2020, 09:08:45 AM

Yes! Also, I bet most of the adult children would rather have an amicable relationship with them. I know my DD would. She's not going to love him and call him Dad, but it would be nice if they could get along. just PD's don't understand that it's their attitude toward them that's causing the rift. They would rather lose the relationship than be 'wrong'
And I should feel the same way, because we're the same person..

ToAudrey · November 02, 2020, 06:00:28 PM

Seeing this currently with DS that is barely school age. I do not have the same approach as unPDh (ie I don't think yelling at him works nor needling him with taking away days and days of iPAD time for things not related to a screen at all) and often get the comments that I am not disciplining at all or trying to be a friend.

unPDh will then sit and wonder out loud why DS asks for me and not him. Probably because you ignore the child a great deal to be on the phone or absorbed online and also needle him. I don't have high hopes for the future relationship there. Have been several times over the past few months where it seemed he "got it" and things improved. But as seems common, did not last long.