Ex Trying to Change Daughter's First Name

[blessedtoday]

My ex and I broke up when my daughter was just 8 months old. We have had 50/50 custody since she was a little over a year old.  When she was 15 months he suddenly fired the nanny that we were both using and signed our daughter up at a daycare without my knowledge. He told me after he signed a contract. The daycare only went until 1pm, and he knew I needed a full day service with my work schedule. I was able to later resolve the daycare issue with a court order. When I came to the daycare to check it out  the daycare provider told me that my daughter was introduced to her by her father under a different first name. I was very confused and I corrected her, telling her my daughter's real name. When I asked my ex about it he said that he now introduces our daughter to his friends and coworkers under this new name.

During our court proceedings I was able to get a ruling that my daughter's school providers and medical providers are to call her by her given name. My ex continues to call her by the alternate name in email correspondence and when he drops her off with me. I just ran into one of his friends at a fair and she also called her by the alternate name. I'm mostly concerned for my daughter that she will feel confused about her name or feel that she has to take on two identities. When we were still together and I was pregnant, I was the one that initially came up with her given first name, and he agreed that he liked it. I think that he has chosen to call her by a different name because he wants to somehow erase me. He ignores me in front of her and acts as though I don't exist with school staff etc. It's almost impossible to co-parent with him and make minor decisions about our daughter's care. He's very manipulative and I'm sure that he is trying to assert his power by doing this. He gets off on manipulating other people. It makes me furious.

Any suggestions on methods for handling this? I'm trying not to let it bother me but it truly does.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum-

my uPD  mother called me something other than my real name  my entire life (or did as we've been NC for 25+ years) and claimed she wanted to call me x so she named me y.......  as a kid i hated BOTH fwiw.  now i appreciate my name and cherish it more because she didn't use it.

i don't blame you for wanting it straightened out and not confusing your kid.  a nickname is one thing, but to completely change the name (as in my situation and your daughter's situation) just makes zero sense.  your point about the ex trying to erase you is a valid one for sure.  my uPD mother saw me only as an extension of her and when i got old enough to voice my own opinions....

i think as your daughter is young it will seem normal.  my best suggestion would be to reinforce her name as much as possible (pencils, backpack, name bracelet) so it looks awkward to her as she gets older and dad keeps calling her something else.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I'm sorry.


My ex did this for a while with our youngest, even after it was pointed out to him that our family court agreement said "neither parent shall change the child's identity by name or reputation". (It was a clause he requested because he didn't want me to be able to change the children's last name to be any other than his.)
In my experience, since your little one is still quite young and takes her cues from you, you should not make a big thing of it in front of her. You don't want to have her think there is anything wrong with her, or worrying about something she has no control over. Other than that, I can't think of any at-home management strategy.
I do, however, think you are perfectly justified in giving a hard time to any adults who are knowingly calling her by another name! It's creepy! And could be construed as prepping a child for life under an assumed identity after abduction. It's common knowledge most child abductions are carried out by non-custodial parents or disgruntled ex spouses.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out!

BC

[Penny Lane]

The book Divorce Poison points to this as a tactic of alienation. My guess is that this is a symptom of a bigger problem of him trying to cut you out of your daughter's life. I highly recommend that book - it'll give you good strategies to combat the potential alienation.

What does your daughter think of this dual name situation, if you know?

[blessedtoday]

Thank you all for the suggestions and stories. I'm going to get the book and step up the reinforcement of her name around the house. I'm glad to have found this site.

To answer your question, my daughter refers to herself as " Anna"  when she talks about she and her dad and anything they do together. She uses her real name " Emily" when she talks about herself with me or at school. She has started the practice recently of pointing out characters in picture books and she says, " that's mama, and that's Emily" then she finds another set of characters or animals and says " that's daddy, and that's Anna ". I don't think  he uses her given name at all and I'm pretty sure he's reinforcing the alternate name as much as possible.  I just wonder how he convinced his friends to start using a different name with our daughter. He brought her to his job and had over 100 people sing happy birthday to her using the other name.  That seems very strange, but he's also very good at manipulation and lying.

We have to go to court mandated co-parenting soon so I intend to bring it up there as a concern. I will also keep record of anything else that he does that plays into parental alienation. The last therapist that we saw recommended to me that I have my daughter see her own psychologist, and I think that it's a good idea. I would probably have to get a court order for that though.

Thank you for the support!