NC Grief?

[DistanceNotDefense]

In the last almost couple months, I've felt persistently fatigued with very few good days (where that is concerned.) Tired, exhausted, drained, every synonym you can think of. It's like my body cannot catch a break even if given one. Work and housework seem heavy and impossible to get through. Went to doctor, tests and labs all came back normal, I was told to "just do yoga."

I've been NC 3 months. Partially voluntary, partially not. Pretty much an exasperated demand for space issued to FOO followed by rug-sweeping responses, which I ignored, until communication fully fizzled out. One hoover: ignored. I realize I have absolutely zero to say in response to hoovers or otherwise that seem to say nothing meaningful (or sound fake) and can't even bring myself to respond, that's how badly trust is ruptured. I have nothing left in me. FOO refuses to communicate how I ask them to, so I guess we're just not talking. (Who's the more stubborn one...me or them?)

I'm relieved. Sick of their mind games. And secretly just didn't want to talk to them at all anymore for over a year.

But I'm also horribly sad.

I wonder if what I'm experiencing is grief. But it's bewildering because it's mixed with joy. I have these moments where I realize how incredibly happy I am moving out of a FOG I didn't know I was in, I was being so held back. Anxiety and insomnia were ruling my life, now they are not. I'm free. I've turned corners and healed so much.

But.... I'm wildly exhausted. And, wildly depressed sometimes.

Is this grief? Over NC. I get impatient, I want to finally live my life now. It's the first time I see so much beauty and potential, and see the life I'm creating for myself on my own terms for what it really is. I've finally broken through limitations. But I'm held back by exhaustion and then this turns into sadness and frustration. Mixed with guilt over the joy I feel breaking free of FOO. It combines and culminates into a crazy emotional combo.

I beat myself up and think "If I'm depressed then that means I made the wrong decision." I ache for a fast forward button for all this. I miss family, love, and worry about them despite so much betrayal.

Is this grief? and can anyone relate? So happy and seeing things clearly. But the simultaneous grief of self-orphaning, self-disowning is disorienting, and the exhaustion is scaring me. Does it go away....?

[lilia]

Hi friend,

Reading this made me think, are you me? Because I can definitely relate.

I think it is a form of grief - the death of a relationship that you've had for literally your entire life. My theory is that it's like we're imprinted on our family, from the very beginning we basically latched onto them as we were still forming ideas and trying to understand the world around us. We keep wanting to loop back into what's familiar - but what's familiar isn't always healthy.

For instance, I used to have a sister who would punish me if I disagreed with her in any way. Like at some point I said that I didn't like a particular car model as much as another one (I wasn't even trash talking, I just said I prefer X because it had a cool radio). The result was my whole night was ruined because she nitpicked at everything I said/did. Now, I have issues expressing a simple opinion to people I don't know well. I feel weird for hours after if I say something like "I like the chicken at Y restaurant more". I'll also have on/off episodes where I just feel extremely bad, all because it was imprinted on me to never disagree.

Anyway, I don't think you're the stubborn one here. I feel like a real family will communicate the way you ask them to, because a real family actually cares about your well-being. Real family doesn't play mind games either. And real family doesn't drain you emotionally, they lift you up and support you and make you feel happy to interact with them. 

It is hard to self-orphanize and self-disown because we all crave family connections, it's in our DNA. And to many people, it feels better to have some family than none at all. But I think, in the end, you'll hopefully find it was the right choice for you. At some point, your past self decided that this was how you could break free and be happier. I think that was a good instinct and you should trust that. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days, but it takes time. 

Since grief is different for everyone, my suggestion would be to read as many books as you can and journal all of your feelings, or write poetry. I'm not a scientist myself but my therapist told me that she's read studies about how reading and writing have been proven to help people process grief. I recently read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and found it pretty enlightening, maybe you could try that or a similar book relevant to your experience?

I hope you feel better! I'm rooting for you!

[Boat Babe]

Yeah, we know that one too. Trauma is debilitating and can leave you utterly exhausted. Hopefully you will start to shift out of this place soon. Do ramp up the self care if at all possible. I find cutting out booze completely for a week or more starts to lift my mood and energy levels.

I am really struggling with motivation atm, most probably due to the ongoing Covid situation here in the UK. Lots of friends, especially those with traumatic experiences, are struggling more than most.

Be very, very kind to yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

[Starboard Song]

We decided that there are two things going on at once.

You have a specific FOO: the individuals, warts and all, that you were given. And you also have the general roles they fill: this is Mom; this is Dad. It is right to at once feel relief when you get some distance on the specific FOO, while also grieving the generic family roles that you desire and simply do not have available.

There is no fact set that makes my MIL fill her role properly for me: she says so. And I grieve for my DS, that his specific grandmother is so toxic. That fits perfectly well with my relief that she is not darkening my door. When I associate my grief with the generic and my relief with the specific, it invites questions like "is there anything I can do on this earth to acheive the loving MIL, and kind grandmother to my DS, that I desire?" That answer is a no. Then I can, maybe after counting to ten, "does this person named such-and-such, make us consistently happier and better by her presence in our lives?" Again, a no. And zero contradiction.

Separating our emotions this way, between the specific humans we have and the generic roles they are meant to play, helps me a great deal. It makes you realize you aren't spinning in circles and chasing your tail: you are not being indecisive and needn't feel guilt.

[Hazy111]

"The body keeps the score" .

[Hepatica]

Dear Distance,

I am new to NC - really only an accidental thing since August, and I'm tired and sad and conflicted. But I also feel relief. It's confusing to hold many emotions that shift and change so much. It is grief I think. We have given up on the dream. Our family will not offer us support and love and we hoped that would change. But it didn't. It won't. That is huge grief.

I think Covid is also bringing us grief and world events in general. I am lonely and I want to go to my old yoga class and my zumba classes and I want to begin attending Al-Anon meetings. Being around people did help me feel better. But that's not available to us now.

I was listening to Krista Tippet's podcast On Being last week and she said that she is exhausted more than she's ever been. There's so much sadness right now. Tons of small losses that add up.

We probably just have to accept it and in that be very kind to ourselves and others. I do love listening to podcasts about spiritual topics, esp. Buddhism, as it teaches kindness and compassion not only for others but toward the self as well. That has been helping me very much. And nature walks.

I really relate to what you are saying though.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you all for your responses  it's really helped me reflect on a few things and see them more clearly. Especially maybe a part of myself I am trying to exile or ignore, and the need to figure that out.

I think it is a form of grief - the death of a relationship that you've had for literally your entire life. My theory is that it's like we're imprinted on our family, from the very beginning we basically latched onto them as we were still forming ideas and trying to understand the world around us. We keep wanting to loop back into what's familiar - but what's familiar isn't always healthy.

For instance, I used to have a sister who would punish me if I disagreed with her in any way. Like at some point I said that I didn't like a particular car model as much as another one (I wasn't even trash talking, I just said I prefer X because it had a cool radio). The result was my whole night was ruined because she nitpicked at everything I said/did. Now, I have issues expressing a simple opinion to people I don't know well. I feel weird for hours after if I say something like "I like the chicken at Y restaurant more". I'll also have on/off episodes where I just feel extremely bad, all because it was imprinted on me to never disagree.

Thank you lilia I think you're right on, it's the death of a fantasy relationship. Plus a death of the good memories I did have with them, which it seems like I might be at the end of that road (I am NC I know, that's not communicated to them, but I think some of them have moved into stubborn "silent treatment" to deal with this).

Some part of me is tied to wanting some sort of control over the outcome but I think I need to let go of that, just like with a death. There is nothing I can do. I can't bring a person or relationship back from the dead.

Your relationship with your sister is very similar to the one I had with a PD sibling (uNPD/potentially uASPD). It would be like holding court, disagreeing with her. If I had an opinion though that was different and I was outspoken, I was mean. If my DH did too, also mean.

I read your other post and the way your family is not putting up a fight/phasing out silently is extremely similar to my situation too. It's "their way" of putting up a fight, IMHO, which is actually really just shutting the whole thing down, gaslighting, stonewalling, and rug sweeping. It is really not fair. They are not good at conflict.

Be very, very kind to yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you Boat Babe  easier said than done! It's so hard not to self blame or think how you could have done things differently, or to wonder if you're the one secretly in the wrong.

I have lots of strong, good days emotionally but fatigue for any reason opens this door to beating myself up. I'm trying to slow down when I can and treat my inner child to something. It sort of works/shortens the low mood times, but I always have things to do when my body just wants to lay somewhere and hide from the world.

I just wonder if anyone else has processed grief this way too and when the body tiredness stops. And if it does, ever. Whether it's NC grief or real death. I notice my exhaustion and wonder if it's suppressed emotion and want to make sure I grieve and release it, but then it can easily veer into a shame spiral and I worry that it's really secretly something else.

You have a specific FOO: the individuals, warts and all, that you were given. And you also have the general roles they fill: this is Mom; this is Dad. It is right to at once feel relief when you get some distance on the specific FOO, while also grieving the generic family roles that you desire and simply do not have available.

I think this is so great Starboard. Thank you.

Inversely I think this separation can help with forgiveness and acceptance. Specific FOO, warts and all, were not the caregivers I needed and deserved to be a whole functioning adult. I can see what played into that (their own traumas) and forgive them individually for not being what I needed.

But in the generic sense, I need to have those roles NOT filled by these specific people, keep them at a distance, and look to heal what I never had or lean more on a FOC (or myself learning to better take care of traumatized parts) to become the whole, functioning adult I need to be.

The thing is, the intellectual/logical part of me knows this all to be true....I accept that. But then the fatigue is persistent, distracting from the truths I'm trying to accept and feel better with, the sadness bubbles up through that and then through that, guilt and uncertainty pick away at me through the grief. I am literally impatient with myself.

Maybe the fatigue is the grieving child within me calling for attention and it's not ready to be quiet. Has anyone experienced this? But then I'm not sure, and I just worry there's something worse and wrong with me...and hoping it is indeed grief and that it will get better. I so hope. But maybe that is me further exiling the IC?

"The body keeps the score" .

You're so right Hazy. I wonder if I am sort of "split" here. My coping mechanism since childhood trauma was to be tough and to survive, to suppress a lot of fear, anxiety, and emotion, and to achieve a lot of independence to make up for what was lacking at home and to become an "adult" as quick as I can, autonomous from FOO, and a bother to them no longer (a bother, or invisible).

I've healed so much but maybe I'm trying to cope that same way I always have, ignoring what my body tells me (the extreme fatigue). I'm just so scared that if I do that and lean into the grief I will just become a complete sad mess. That's what feels like almost happens if I let myself feel. I have no one to shoulder and take care of things or take care of me emotionally if I do. (I have DH but lbh men aren't nurturing emotional caregivers...he's great but I worry about being a burden letting myself grieve too much.)

Dear Distance,

I am new to NC - really only an accidental thing since August, and I'm tired and sad and conflicted. But I also feel relief. It's confusing to hold many emotions that shift and change so much. It is grief I think. We have given up on the dream. Our family will not offer us support and love and we hoped that would change. But it didn't. It won't. That is huge grief.

I think Covid is also bringing us grief and world events in general. I am lonely and I want to go to my old yoga class and my zumba classes and I want to begin attending Al-Anon meetings. Being around people did help me feel better. But that's not available to us now.

Yes, I've been keeping up on your situation, Hepatica. We are in the same boat for sure...

The conflicted emotions, the ups and then the downs...it is exhausting! Will there be more peace soon I wonder???

And yes COVID is an extra layer to it that I don't think I'm fully internalizing. I live far from friends/FOC to start, so am used to kind of not accessing support all the time, but now it is even more inaccessible and I think I avoid considering that so the isolation doesn't hit me so hard.

Maybe I'm trying so hard to be happy and functional and normal that I'm just burning myself out....

[Hepatica]

Distance,
I think it's perfectly okay to let the grief come and cry it out and laze around because it will pass. It will. Like all emotion, it will move in and then it will move out.

"I'm just so scared that if I do that and lean into the grief I will just become a complete sad mess. That's what feels like almost happens if I let myself feel."

It's okay to be that complete sad mess at times.  Think about it. We have so much to grieve. To avoid the shame spiral be very mindful of your mind talk. Treat yourself how you would treat someone you love who is grieving. Bring yourself hot milky tea. Put your favourite movie on. Sleep.     Cry. Tell yourself that it is going to be okay and that you can handle it. It will pass.

I am going to do the same for myself, bc I have loads of grief and I've noticed that the mindfulness meditation I've done has really helped me be aware of how I speak to myself. I am getting much better at being tender to myself when I'm sad...  and I can't be sure, but I feel like the sad phases are less intense now and not as long.

I just want to say that I really understand what you are saying. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Distance,
I think it's perfectly okay to let the grief come and cry it out and laze around because it will pass. It will. Like all emotion, it will move in and then it will move out.

"I'm just so scared that if I do that and lean into the grief I will just become a complete sad mess. That's what feels like almost happens if I let myself feel."

It's okay to be that complete sad mess at times.  Think about it. We have so much to grieve. To avoid the shame spiral be very mindful of your mind talk. Treat yourself how you would treat someone you love who is grieving. Bring yourself hot milky tea. Put your favourite movie on. Sleep.     Cry. Tell yourself that it is going to be okay and that you can handle it. It will pass.

I am going to do the same for myself, bc I have loads of grief and I've noticed that the mindfulness meditation I've done has really helped me be aware of how I speak to myself. I am getting much better at being tender to myself when I'm sad...  and I can't be sure, but I feel like the sad phases are less intense now and not as long.

I just want to say that I really understand what you are saying. 

Thank you Hepatica You are too kind!

I become a mess of grief when I am alone, that's when I feel it. Which is frequent these days with COVID. People just don't understand when I talk about how I feel and the circumstances, and there's really no more to be said about the details, even to my DH. It's picking at a corpse at this point. And because family estrangement is so uncomfortable to others. I feel so strong and resolute some days, while another part of me is terrified and comes clawing to the surface.

And yes. I'm scared the emotion and feeling and fatigue will never leave, that it's here to stay for real. It gives me hope to hear others saying it will pass. It is validating. 🙂

I hope you find more ease in your grief too, Hepatica. What you say about self-dialogue is so true. I do try to catch what I say to myself and when I do I'm appalled. "You're tired, youre lazy, you're a bum, you're not getting anything done, you're a failure, you can't handle this life, you made the wrong decisions, your family is right. You better get through this emotional time quick so you can be a successful human being again. You're messing it up." Wow! That's what my brain is telling myself.

Time to shut that inner critic up!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think you have gotten great feedback, and I can only offer my support to you and what others have said. A few things you stated stood out to me. You said "I have these moments where I realize how incredibly happy I am moving out of a FOG I didn't know I was in, I was being so held back. Anxiety and insomnia were ruling my life, now they are not. I'm free. I've turned corners and healed so much.....  I want to finally live my life now. It's the first time I see so much beauty and potential." 
   
Those are great words. Actually I think those are the reasons most of us are driven to NC in the first place. One thing is we usually never get validation or closure, so I wonder if some of these internal conflicts can continue to swirl. When they do, perhaps bringing your focus back to these very good things might help to re-orient on healthy aspects.           
         
I think you took a great step to ensure what you are feeling it is not coming from something physical. I do believe we all experience grief when going NC. It is a loss, if not for the individual it is a loss of hope. Also, there is more than enough in the world with Covid, etc., to make anyone feel overall "loss" without even realizing where it is coming from.  Be kind to yourself. I believe it does and will get better.

[poetandpunk]

I can 100% relate to this. In fact just this afternoon, after 7 years of NC, I was thinking to myself that I still grieve it sometimes. What I grieve is twofold:

(1) I grieve the separation from my actual family. Because letting go of people is difficult, confusing, and hard. Even if they are crazy and abusive. You're still letting go of a pattern of memories, of the familiar, and even though we faced loads of abuse, of course there are good moments thrown in there. No one is a villain ALL of the time. I am not saying that's a reason to have contact or a relationship. It's not. I don't. But it's a mixed cocktail with plenty to be sad and confused and bewildered about. It's hard when every happy moment comes with terrible feelings as well. I have friends who think back to holidays or events and it's mostly just warm, happy feelings. I think back to these times and it's totally mixed; I remember feeling cozy on Christmas and watching my parents scream at each other, slam doors, my father pull over on the side of the hallway and take a walk around a parking lot while we all waited in the car, wondering if he would come back. It's complex. So is grief. Even grieving horrible people and memories. Or mixed people and memories.

(2) I grieve the idea of a normal family, or normal parents. Especially now that I am a mom. I really really really miss A mom, but I don't miss MY mom. If that makes sense? I mean I guess I do in a way, but not enough to expose myself to the abuse. Like I said in point 1, there are good moments thrown in with the bad, but the bad is enough to discredit the possibility of a healthy, normal relationship. No relationship is perfect but when there is abuse, it's not ok. Esp when youv'e confronted it. That said, I think it's totally normal after going NC to grieve the idea of a family or grieve the idea of the family you don't have or can't have. But there is hope in making a new family through spouse, partner, friends, community, etc. That is my hope for you and myself!

Hope that helps.

[BettyGray]

Just do yoga, huh?

Well, that solves it!   

I am sure I have nothing new to add, but I am one more who can totally relate.

The flood of emotion when I first went NC was more like a tsunami. The dam just broke...because it finally could.

All those moments over a lifetime that we bit our tongues, went along to ‘keep the peace,’ didn’t stand up for ourselves, stood shocked by being scapegoated, cried ourselves to sleep, felt alone in our families, were scared to go home, questioned ourselves because of  their gaslighting, recognized the toxicity in them that they could both not see in themselves or believe applied to them, all the lies we endured -
At some point, all of that cumulative knife twisting adds up and we just lose it. That emotion wants OUT. So let it all out.

Now, mind you, it wasn’t fun. It also coincided with mid-life hormonal problems and eventually led to me going back on medication after a decade break. I really didn’t understand what the hell was happening to me. I couldn’t think rationally, only feel. My body went through the ringer.

But it was all worth it, no matter how excruciating at the time.

Five years of peace and counting.

[Hepatica]

The flood of emotion when I first went NC was more like a tsunami. The dam just broke...because it finally could.

All those moments over a lifetime that we bit our tongues, went along to 'keep the peace,' didn't stand up for ourselves, stood shocked by being scapegoated, cried ourselves to sleep, felt alone in our families, were scared to go home, questioned ourselves because of  their gaslighting, recognized the toxicity in them that they could both not see in themselves or believe applied to them, all the lies we endured -
At some point, all of that cumulative knife twisting adds up and we just lose it. That emotion wants OUT. So let it all out.

Now, mind you, it wasn't fun. It also coincided with mid-life hormonal problems and eventually led to me going back on medication after a decade break. I really didn't understand what the hell was happening to me. I couldn't think rationally, only feel. My body went through the ringer.

But it was all worth it, no matter how excruciating at the time.

Five years of peace and counting.

Thank you for writing this. It validates everything I've been feeling since mid August this year, my last interaction with my uNPD father. I felt like I was going a bit crazy afterward. I was hypervigilant and wracked with anxiety. I am also beginning menopause and I really felt quite crazy. I went to my doctor and went back on anti-depressents and I'm glad I did that. I've been feeling a little bit better going into the third month. I know I am just done. I am finally done. I am learning to trust myself. That feels good.

[Sapling]

Dear DistanceNotDefence,

You have done a very brave and beautiful thing for yourself in going NC, even if you don't feel it was entirely up to you. The tiredness and exhaustion you feel is not a failure. Its is an indication of the level of challenge you have come through. Go easy on yourself and take care. You deserve gentleness right now. This is not forever. Grief has an ending and things will get better.

10 years ago I went NC on my parents and I can relate to that feeling of occasional happiness being interspersed in a terrifying grief. I remember getting frustrated by my inability to operate at my usual pace. I remember people recommending "meditation" to me (!) IMHO "Just do yoga" is a terrible answer to any question and I'm sorry you've been met with that. It sounds like you're looking after yourself by checking that there isn't something (physically) wrong and keeping an eye on that.

Keep doing what you're doing. Looking after yourself, reaching out for support, and holding fast to the idea that you deserve love, respect and care in your life. I wish you peace on the other side of what you're going through right now 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you all - Blueberry Pancakes, poetandpunk, Hepatica, Liz1018, Sapling - I feel seen, validated, and so much better. I'm now more certain than ever that this is something I will get through. Thank you ❤️

Hepatica and Liz1018, menopause is a way off for me still, but there is definitely something there where hormones are concerned. I feel the most intense anxiety and depression and grief at certain stages of my cycle (and then completely fine at others, making it all so bewildering). The idea of menopause is even a little scary because it can get so intensely influenced by hormones, my low points. I'm so sorry you have to deal with those ups and downs!

Dear DistanceNotDefence,

You have done a very brave and beautiful thing for yourself in going NC, even if you don't feel it was entirely up to you. The tiredness and exhaustion you feel is not a failure. Its is an indication of the level of challenge you have come through. Go easy on yourself and take care. You deserve gentleness right now. This is not forever. Grief has an ending and things will get better.

10 years ago I went NC on my parents and I can relate to that feeling of occasional happiness being interspersed in a terrifying grief. I remember getting frustrated by my inability to operate at my usual pace. I remember people recommending "meditation" to me (!) IMHO "Just do yoga" is a terrible answer to any question and I'm sorry you've been met with that. It sounds like you're looking after yourself by checking that there isn't something (physically) wrong and keeping an eye on that.

Keep doing what you're doing. Looking after yourself, reaching out for support, and holding fast to the idea that you deserve love, respect and care in your life. I wish you peace on the other side of what you're going through right now 

Thank you Sapling. I think this is especially what I needed to hear....from someone far out on the other side, 10 years later, that this rollercoaster does end and that they've experienced it too. I'm impatient with myself. I get mindfulness and meditation, for sure, and yoga. I've done all these things. But I'm a little tired of the idea that these things fix everything because they really don't! I didn't mention to my doctor that I have already done that yoga and it does nothing for exhaustion. In fact it just sounds like another chore.

I do meditation every night and it definitely is helpful, but not a fix....just a tool of exploration to help you understand more deeply what you're going through...I've had *amazing* progress with dreamwork. Has anyone else done dreamwork to help with healing their trauma, and gaining more understanding?

I need to realize there's a lot of detox left to do and that just takes time is all. Thank you so much ❤️

[DistanceNotDefense]

The other thing that is so frustrating about this grief is having a partner who totally doesn't get it, who avoids emotions in himself and others rather than confronts them.

I'm already so impatient with my tired and fatigued self (riddled with migraines, too) that it really doesn't help when DH is acting stressed and inconvenienced by my being laid up. (I don't think he realizes he comes off this way, it's part of his great emotional immaturity and inability to manage his own stress sometimes without wanting some sort of "mommy" figure present to be a sounding board - but sorry, mommy isn't here right now, also, I was never your mommy.).

It is almost like he is unknowingly taking sides with my inner critic - he's insisting that he cares and that he gets it, but how am I supposed to feel that in between his stressed grumblings about how he's "taking care of a lot" while I'm laid up with migraine #2 that I didn't ask for? Plus avoiding talking about my family at all, because the whole situation makes him wildly uncomfortable.

Told him straight up that I'd feel more supported if he tried to manage his stress himself when he sees me in this condition (too tired to anything, headaches and body aches for days) and actually show more support than stress. But he doesn't think he's coming off as stressed out at all (and in a way that elicits comforting on my part) and it's frustrating as all hell. I'm laid up, he should be the emotionally supportive one to what I'm going through! Where does he get the idea that I should set aside my agonizing migraines, grief, fear, pain, fatigue, and loss to sit up, and say "there there" to what is basically just undue pressure he is putting on himself when you boil it all down? (That's really what he is stressed about - a to-do list is seriously more worthy of stress and attention than giving just *some* attention to your grieving, ill partner and not render their paid invisible?)

Looking online I see it's very common for partners to totally drop the ball when the other is grieving (because they don't understand it - and it does usually tend to be male spouses who do this) so I'm trying to accept what little I can get, and he'll come clear to it and apologize, but it's hard. And it's even worse because grief over loss of *living* family is even harder to accept than someone who is actually dead (it's far more stigmatized).

And of course, the worst part is the re-triggering of being abandoned and overlooked. (Boy did I have my fair share of horrific medical negligence and abuse as a child and that feeds into this - no one taking care of me)

I'm not looking for advice here or any opinions/prognoses on my DH, his personality, or my marriage, just looking to vent....

[JenniferSmith]

I am much further than a decade out and I will say NC, if one sticks to it, is a very long emotional journey. There are layers and layers and layers that slowly emerge as time continues to move forward. I have changed since I went NC. Lately I've been reflecting on the reasons I went NC, and I'm actually struggling to believe I really even felt that way then! I am truly not that person anymore.

But... for me, NC was about seeking emotional safety.  The person I went NC from terrified me from the time I was a baby. There was no way I could live my life with such a person in it, and I will never regret the decision to do so. I know how much strength it took to make the decision and to stick with it. It was the first time I ever stood up to this person and asserted my own feelings and needs regardless of what they thought about it. It was truly empowering on such a deep level.

But there have been many losses to grieve as well. Loss of ever having a mother... in the sense that a mother is loving and nurturing and protective and safe. That is a hole inside me that I can still feel to this day.  The loss of an intact family. There was a sense of security I had in my family that came from us all living together and being in the same neighborhood and knowing all our neighbors.  I grieve that feeling of belonging in a family unit - as it all shattered after my childhood.

I've also lost connections to most of my extended FOO. I now realize though that it is due to deep dysfunction, and the only way to maintain those connections would have been to remain in the role I was put in from childhood... to never speak of abuse, and to just accept it, and to never have my feelings or needs respected or validated in any way. When I went NC, I decided those things were too important to me and I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself for the family system to keep functioning the way it did.  When one family member goes NC, it shakes up the entire system, and this can be very distressing to other people in the system.

As each year passes, I have deeper insight into the patterns over the generations in my family that led to what happened in my childhood. I've gradually developed more compassion for my siblings because I understand the roots where it all started, even though they treat me terribly as adults.

My advice is to be patient with yourself, know that you are on a difficult journey, and places like this forum are safe havens to talk about this. In my experience, even my most empathic friends struggle to know what to say when I share about this aspect of my life.  Its only recently that I actually found out I have an acquaintance who is estranged from a sibling.  So for me there has definitely been a loneliness attached to the estrangement all these years. When I'm in a low mood, I read here, or post a bit. It helps to know we're not alone!

[BrightMoon]

"I'm just so scared that if I do that and lean into the grief I will just become a complete sad mess. That's what feels like almost happens if I let myself feel."




I am so scared of doing this. I struggle to cope with everyday things as it is lately due to the grief I am able to deal with from NC. I am glad these posts are here as they have helped me have *some* hope things will get easier. I've been pretty much NC for years now yet its only recently this grief started. Im not sure I really looked at NC being so lasting and the notion of it having to stay that way literally frightens me.

[Liketheducks]

Oh yes.   It took me about 3 years to get well and truly over going NC/VLC with my Mom.   I bought into the story that I must be a horrible daughter to do such a thing.   Holidays were the worst.   We'd have limited contact, and I'd have full on anxiety attacks regarding it.   Not sleeping, eating etc.      I felt like I was mourning the lie of what I thought our relationship was.      Explaining it to my brother years later, it's sad, but that is the way things are.   
Now, I hear from people who have interacted with Mom.....she's telling people that I filed a court order to evict her from my home.   I just laugh a little to myself.   1. You can look that crap up....it would be public record, if it was true.    2. If you're going to lie about me....maybe make it something not so easily debunked?!?     Lots of families, unfortunately, deal with this.   

Hang in there.   Take care of yourself.   Pour on the self-care.   You will get through this.   The other side is a great place.   

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you all for your responses  Reading others' experiences helps me so much during this tough stage. I'm feeling less physical symptoms, fatigue, and pain from the grief, so that is at least a relief.

I am much further than a decade out and I will say NC, if one sticks to it, is a very long emotional journey. There are layers and layers and layers that slowly emerge as time continues to move forward. I have changed since I went NC. Lately I've been reflecting on the reasons I went NC, and I'm actually struggling to believe I really even felt that way then! I am truly not that person anymore.

This gives me so much hope, thank you JenniferSmith. I hope I grow into a different person who doesn't revisit the feelings I'm feeling right now as often. I know grief never goes away, but I hope the uncertainty and self-doubt will. Especially because the abuse I'm dealing with feels so covert, I struggle with feeling like I made the right decision or that I was abused at all...emotional abuse and neglect is so tricky. I definitely felt mentally tortured, though!

But there have been many losses to grieve as well. Loss of ever having a mother... in the sense that a mother is loving and nurturing and protective and safe. That is a hole inside me that I can still feel to this day.  The loss of an intact family. There was a sense of security I had in my family that came from us all living together and being in the same neighborhood and knowing all our neighbors.  I grieve that feeling of belonging in a family unit - as it all shattered after my childhood.

I've also lost connections to most of my extended FOO. I now realize though that it is due to deep dysfunction, and the only way to maintain those connections would have been to remain in the role I was put in from childhood... to never speak of abuse, and to just accept it, and to never have my feelings or needs respected or validated in any way. When I went NC, I decided those things were too important to me and I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself for the family system to keep functioning the way it did.  When one family member goes NC, it shakes up the entire system, and this can be very distressing to other people in the system.

Same here. I feel like I've disowned myself. I lost connections with my extended family on both sides long ago. Now with immediate family, which is more recent. It can feel like you're floating in a void with no one...

But compared to repressing who I am and what I feel, not being able to talk about abuse that happened to me (while other FOO freely can) to finally heal, breaking away from FOO was a necessary step and the lesser of two evils to choose. It sucks that we have to even choose but I find that I have to accept that these are the choices life left me with, make my choice, stick with it, and somehow move on.

"I'm just so scared that if I do that and lean into the grief I will just become a complete sad mess. That's what feels like almost happens if I let myself feel."



I am so scared of doing this. I struggle to cope with everyday things as it is lately due to the grief I am able to deal with from NC. I am glad these posts are here as they have helped me have *some* hope things will get easier. I've been pretty much NC for years now yet its only recently this grief started. Im not sure I really looked at NC being so lasting and the notion of it having to stay that way literally frightens me.

BrightMoon I really see and feel what you're saying. I'm in the same shoes, so much. The grief has made it hard for me to do even the most basic things at times (it comes in waves - I'm in a better wave now which gives me hope). It's helped me to be gentle with myself during this process....I'm not always good at it and I tend to beat myself up over it, but I try to see it as a choice I had to make that I was left with, not something I necessarily wanted (of course I don't want to be cut off from family! I was left with having to make this choice.)

Being tired, unable to do everyday/basic things, crying on my own, etc. is hard but I try to think of it as absolutely essential to process the feelings. I think if you let the feelings "be" (like I'm trying to do) and free them, it will help the conscious/subconscious process the tragedy. I mean, that must be why we do it, right? It has a physiological purpose. I might be laid up for a day or two (or even more) due to the grief, which scares me, but maybe if I don't repress it so much the heaviness won't be as intense the next time. (That's not to say I don't worry...)

If you were mourning a real death (rather than the death of a relationship that should have been nurturing), it would be acceptable for you to fall apart at times. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve, BrightMoon 

Oh yes. It took me about 3 years to get well and truly over going NC/VLC with my Mom.   I bought into the story that I must be a horrible daughter to do such a thing.   Holidays were the worst.   We'd have limited contact, and I'd have full on anxiety attacks regarding it.   Not sleeping, eating etc.      I felt like I was mourning the lie of what I thought our relationship was.

Totally relate Liketheducks. I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my relationship with my enabler/covert N tendencies M was a lie. A lot of what I interpreted as genuine love and concern was actually to "treat" me to keeping me in my place in the dynamic, which was to be a supply to the center of the toxicity in my FOO: my uNPD/ASPD sibling.

I feel like a horrible child, and I feel like she must see me as a horrible child right now. But yes, it's a story I was conditioned to buy into. But what about her behavior? Protecting my disordered sibling at all costs? Now that I'm getting un-fogged it's not a story I want to buy into anymore, no thanks.

Yes holidays are coming up, the first time NC (though they're not blocked by phone) and I'm uneasy. But I do think their communications during this time will show me a lot more about who they are and who they're choosing to be in response to my decision.

Now, I hear from people who have interacted with Mom.....she's telling people that I filed a court order to evict her from my home.   I just laugh a little to myself.   1. You can look that crap up....it would be public record, if it was true.    2. If you're going to lie about me....maybe make it something not so easily debunked?!?     Lots of families, unfortunately, deal with this.   

Hang in there.   Take care of yourself.   Pour on the self-care.   You will get through this.   The other side is a great place.   

Ugh! That sounds so awful. But it's hard proof that you're wise to stay out of the mess, isn't it? (And yes, so silly that it's something so easy to disprove....the emotional abuse can seem incredibly crafty until it really isn't crafty at all.)

Thank you Liketheducks, and thank you for sharing your experience. Your story, too, gives me hope for the bright side on the other side of NC and that I'm headed towards a great place now that I'm finally putting myself, my life, and my FOC relationships first.