Want to break NC again

[Pinkos]

This holiday season has hit me harder than usual. I spent it alone as usual. I've been lonely and isolated for a long time and this year the usual fear and shame has overwhelmed me. It feels like I've been having low level anxiety attacks leading up to Thanksgiving and then my A/C unit conked out Christmas Day and my crappy landlord is stalling on the replacement. Anytime I have to deal with my landlord I get extremely triggered and start having fears of homelessness. I'm able to advocate for myself but I'm almost panicked doing so and feel a great sense of urgency and catastrophize a lot. And it spirals from there to feeling like my life can unravel at any moment. I feel extremely vulnerable and helpless. I realize this is an emotional flashback. But it also feels anchored in reality. Being isolated and single and dealing with a crappy landlord I feel DOES make me vulnerable.

I have managed to stay NC for many years. Most recently I almost got sucked back in when I heard an uncle was extremely ill and close to passing. I was deep in the FOG but persevered and stayed NC.

But this feeling of impending homelessness has done me in once before and I almost sent a happy holiday text a couple days ago. And I'm getting a strong pull again to call or text. I want to do it to reassure myself that if everything goes to hell I will have a home to go to. I keep thinking I'm making myself more vulnerable by keeping that option closed for myself.  I just wanted to come on here for support and insight. Does anyone get really triggered by landlord issues?

[goldtracedcloud]

Yes, I have been in club catastrophe with some apartment issues and other issues lately too.  I sometimes get loads of anxiety over having to deal with landlords or maintenance, or having to file complaints about neighbors.  Can't always trust them to fix the issues and it's uncomfortable because they refuse to do any scheduled work, makes it a big hassle when you are working from home or have pets that need to be contained.  Plus I have a tendency to blame myself for things that break down or go wrong even when it is probably ridiculous for me to/other people wouldn't.  I know for me these tendencies to over-worry and blame myself stem from childhood, being raised by a BPD mother who may have also had mild uOCD.  Have made major strides in overcoming how I was raised, but still have to fight it.  Wish I could turn into super woman and magically not stress sometimes. 

& I'm LC with some family, NC with others and can really sympathize with that wish to be closer when you feel low.  More often than not, it's added to my stress and loneliness to reach out to them more than it has helped.  When not around them for a long time can be easy to forget just how hurtful/toxic they really are.  I have to have a "I'll cross that bridge when I get there attitude" about disasters that might cause me to consider seeking shelter under the same roof as them.  PD families don't make for great contingencies...

[Leonor]

Hi Pinkos,

I'm sorry it's hard. Bad landlords are the worst.

Do you have a tenant advocacy organization in your area? A tenant resource center in your city? A neighborhood community center? A state run website or hotline for renter's rights?

Your landlord is probably lousy to all his tenants, and there's probably more lousy landlords than good ones in your area (otherwise yours wouldn't be able to treat you that way!) But that also means you're not alone.

There is strength in knowing you have company, and advocates can help you negotiate solutions, file complaints, and meet other renters in similar situations.

You don't have to do anything or talk to anyone if you're not ready. But to just wrap yourself up in a comfy blanket and explore what's around for you can break that old message of "you're alone, you're miserable, and there's nothing you can do about it."

You may feel alone and miserable, but there are good people who want to support you, and there is a lot that they can do to help!

[Pinkos]

@Counteract thank you for reminding me that contacting them is likely to make me feel more lonely and stressed! Writing that post helped me break the overwhelming need a little bit and your comment helped more. *sigh* I think I just wanted to feel like I could go "home" at anytime even if it was a mirage. My heart is desperate for a reprieve even if it's an illusion.

@leonor thanks for your kind words and the reminder that there are good people out there who can help me. And I did reach out to a few tenant advocate groups (that have helped in the past) and haven't heard back due to this weird holiday week and people are not in the office due to covid. I think that added to my desperation and feeling of "there's no help and no resolution-I'm at the mercy of this landlord." Since Covid it's been harder to talk to someone and not being able to do so escalated my anxiety. I think the hostility, poor communication, stinginess, and general disorganization of this landlord reminds me so much of living under my father's house. And just like I wanted to run as far away as possible when I was a child, I have the same urge now. How sad that I want to run back to my father's house? The same place I got out off as soon as I could. I know I'll never find comfort there.  Pete Walker's words are flashing before my eyes - I am not a child and I have more resources now as an adult.

[moglow]

I think the hostility, poor communication, stinginess, and general disorganization of this landlord reminds me so much of living under my father's house. And just like I wanted to run as far away as possible when I was a child, I have the same urge now. How sad that I want to run back to my father's house? The same place I got out off as soon as I could. I know I'll never find comfort there.

I feel this. Even knowing how awful it was we still somehow pin a comfort on "going home". And as you said, keep reminding yourself that you have more resources and choices now than as a child.

I found it easier to counter others' crappy attitude with mine of helpfulness and gratitude. I learned young how to go along to get along and at times that's served me well, helped me set aside my resentments and angst so I can keep going. I have to refocus on what I can change vs what's out of my hands. It doesn't necessarily fix things but it does take the focus off my internal triggers so I'm not tied up in knots and feeling helpless.

[Pinkos]

I think the hostility, poor communication, stinginess, and general disorganization of this landlord reminds me so much of living under my father's house. And just like I wanted to run as far away as possible when I was a child, I have the same urge now. How sad that I want to run back to my father's house? The same place I got out off as soon as I could. I know I'll never find comfort there.

I feel this. Even knowing how awful it was we still somehow pin a comfort on "going home". And as you said, keep reminding yourself that you have more resources and choices now than as a child.

I found it easier to counter others' crappy attitude with mine of helpfulness and gratitude. I learned young how to go along to get along and at times that's served me well, helped me set aside my resentments and angst so I can keep going. I have to refocus on what I can change vs what's out of my hands. It doesn't necessarily fix things but it does take the focus off my internal triggers so I'm not tied up in knots and feeling helpless.

Yeah I think that last sentence has been the hardest for me. There's def resentment at a landlord who seems inconsiderate and lacking in empathy. I can't control how he responds to me. Dealing with non-communicative or thoughtless people is a big trigger for sure. Especially if that person has the power to impact my life. And I have learned the hard way that trying to coax an adequate response only makes me feel worse. I also find escalating my response doesn't make me feel much better. It creates more stress. In this case escalating things would not necessarily result in a resolution.

I try to refocus my attention (like you said focus on what's under my control) but I get a strong sense of failure or inadequacy in standing up for myself.  I don't know if this is the inner critic or if my inner child is feeling abandoned. There's a strong sense of unfairness/being taken advantage of and a compulsion to correct it. I'm so confused in this instance trying to parse that out. The best I seem to be able to do is exhaust myself with exercise or distract myself with TV or doom scrolling social media. The exercise is the only one that feels productive. Social media makes me more anxious. I don't know how to make that meaningful  philosophical shift in focus. It seems my mind wants to obsess about this even after I try to calm it with journaling or talking to a neighbor. *sigh* It's so draining.

[moglow]

Learned helplessness is a godawful feeling. Not feeling listened to or supported on any real level [whether emotional, financial or physical] - it's quite simply what we know. Our triggers are based there and overcoming them is hard. Find gentleness and kindness for and within yourself. Putting down the sticks we beat ourselves with is another hurdle, but worth it.

[Jolie40]

Pinkos
I did get kicked out of an apt (when young & before marriage)
I did not want to move back home.
So I went to the salvation army & they put me up in a hotel. Can't remember for how long.

Eventually, I did move back to parent's house.

Check out possible places you could go if something happens. To a friend's place or salvation army?
This will help ease your fears.

[goldtracedcloud]

The best I seem to be able to do is exhaust myself with exercise or distract myself with TV or doom scrolling social media. The exercise is the only one that feels productive. Social media makes me more anxious. I don't know how to make that meaningful  philosophical shift in focus. It seems my mind wants to obsess about this even after I try to calm it with journaling or talking to a neighbor. *sigh* It's so draining.

I so relate to all of this - these tend to be my habits too. I cut myself off from the regular doom scrolling a few months ago.  Still struggling with some of my philosophical shifts and goal setting.  I've got a journal coming in the mail called Starmind that was recommended by Dr. Ramani on YouTube.  I don't usually like guided journals, but it looks to be based on CBT therapy techniques & like it might actually be helpful.  May post on here how it goes after I get it/try using it. 

https://mystarmind.com/ link if you want to check it out. 

[Preamble]

Yeah it makes little sense to run to your father to get away from your landlord who reminds you of your father.  I feel for you.  I hope it helps to reflect, your landlord isn't actually living there in your household.  Don't let him live in your head rent-free, seems apt.

@Counteract thank you for reminding me that contacting them is likely to make me feel more lonely and stressed! Writing that post helped me break the overwhelming need a little bit and your comment helped more. *sigh* I think I just wanted to feel like I could go "home" at anytime even if it was a mirage. My heart is desperate for a reprieve even if it's an illusion.

@leonor thanks for your kind words and the reminder that there are good people out there who can help me. And I did reach out to a few tenant advocate groups (that have helped in the past) and haven't heard back due to this weird holiday week and people are not in the office due to covid. I think that added to my desperation and feeling of "there's no help and no resolution-I'm at the mercy of this landlord." Since Covid it's been harder to talk to someone and not being able to do so escalated my anxiety. I think the hostility, poor communication, stinginess, and general disorganization of this landlord reminds me so much of living under my father's house. And just like I wanted to run as far away as possible when I was a child, I have the same urge now. How sad that I want to run back to my father's house? The same place I got out off as soon as I could. I know I'll never find comfort there.  Pete Walker's words are flashing before my eyes - I am not a child and I have more resources now as an adult.

[Pinkos]

@Preamble - Yes! I resent the intrusion into my mental space.

I was reflecting some more since my last response and I also think the outstanding repair issues and uncertainty about the resolution makes me feel like my space is out of order. And one of my main coping mechanisms is to clean and tidy things up. I do things in a certain order and keep everything pretty much the same in my apt. I think when something is not working and I have to improvise it feels like my space is disordered, which affects me psychologically. I think keeping things the same and tidy and working in my apt is one of the main ways that I feel like I have control of my life. So when the landlord doesn't communicate properly or stalls on repairs, I feel intense resentment towards him and feel like he's literally putting my world out of order. Then I get anxious about future disorder/repair issues. This guy is a big jerk honestly and it's an ongoing issue (I just found out he unlawfully wants me and some others to sign new leases with outrageous terms. The lease itself is just worded so badly and completely unenforceable under the tenant laws of my city. I can't make sense of this man's actions.) But still he lives in my head rent free way too much and I resent it. And I know it's all within my control and I feel unable to exorcise him.

I need to develop better self-soothing techniques. It's just so hard with the chronic rumination/worrying. It becomes hard to focus on one thing. I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind.

It really helps to work this out on here with people who just get it. I appreciate all your helpful/kind responses. 

Edited to add: I also feel like my isolation is exacerbating everything. I joined a hiking club recently and that's helped some but I think being single and not having close friendships has taken a huge toll on me. I really want to remedy that next year and make more of an effort. It's so hard to make new friendships as an adult!

[Preamble]

Isolation is the enemy, I have learned this.  Hope to hear how you are doing before too long.

@Preamble - Yes! I resent the intrusion into my mental space.

I was reflecting some more since my last response and I also think the outstanding repair issues and uncertainty about the resolution makes me feel like my space is out of order. And one of my main coping mechanisms is to clean and tidy things up. I do things in a certain order and keep everything pretty much the same in my apt. I think when something is not working and I have to improvise it feels like my space is disordered, which affects me psychologically. I think keeping things the same and tidy and working in my apt is one of the main ways that I feel like I have control of my life. So when the landlord doesn't communicate properly or stalls on repairs, I feel intense resentment towards him and feel like he's literally putting my world out of order. Then I get anxious about future disorder/repair issues. This guy is a big jerk honestly and it's an ongoing issue (I just found out he unlawfully wants me and some others to sign new leases with outrageous terms. The lease itself is just worded so badly and completely unenforceable under the tenant laws of my city. I can't make sense of this man's actions.) But still he lives in my head rent free way too much and I resent it. And I know it's all within my control and I feel unable to exorcise him.

I need to develop better self-soothing techniques. It's just so hard with the chronic rumination/worrying. It becomes hard to focus on one thing. I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind.

It really helps to work this out on here with people who just get it. I appreciate all your helpful/kind responses. 

Edited to add: I also feel like my isolation is exacerbating everything. I joined a hiking club recently and that's helped some but I think being single and not having close friendships has taken a huge toll on me. I really want to remedy that next year and make more of an effort. It's so hard to make new friendships as an adult!