Weird Roles in My Narcissistic Family, who Don't Approve of New Puppy

[atticusfinch]

We got a Christmas puppy, which stirred up family tensions similar to past pet experiences. The one day I spent with my FOO for Christmas was filled with passive-aggressive and aggressive behaviors, all signaling disapproval of the new addition.

My family seems to have designated my youngest sister as the "animal person," creating an unnecessary competition between us. Despite my love for animals and efforts to teach my kids empathy through pet ownership, my FOO insist on viewing my pet choices negatively. Frustratingly, my family overtly or covertly suggests I'm incapable with animals, despite my history of caring for them responsibly. Previous outdoor cats that we had received exaggerated worry from my parents and sisters, and now that I have indoor cats, I face different unwarranted criticisms. (In contrast, friends and strangers always tell me how well-behaved, healthy, and well-socialized our cats are.)

Our attempt at raising a dog before didn't work out, but it wasn't for lack of effort. Despite extensive research and preparation this time around, my family already makes negative, very hurtful comments about our new puppy. Even my "good-with-animals" sister offered to adopt her (with this very grave look on her face, like I'm one step away from a serial killer and the puppy could implode at any moment), implying future failure.

Their reactions, including ice-cold, shaming body language, mean comments, and refusal to engage with the puppy (one particular person basically refused to pet her admitting that, while he likes dogs in general, he wouldn't pet her because he didn't approve my choice to get her), hurt. It seems they discuss me and my pets behind my back, forming a united front against me. I know their judgments shouldn't affect me, but it's challenging not to connect their opinions about my pet care to their perception of me as a mother and person.

I recognize their likely projection of their own issues onto me, particularly considering my mom's history with pets and the potential narcissistic traits in my sister. Despite understanding the dynamics, their determination to fit me into their preconceived box and control my pet ownership is frustrating. I plan to limit their involvement with my pets and minimize time spent with my family to protect my sanity, but the emotional impact still lingers.

[Sneezy]

You are an adult and you get to make your own choices.  What's next?  Is your family going to disapprove of what you are having for dinner or what color you paint your livingroom?  Your choices are your business.  I will admit that when my adult daughter moved out and then expressed a desire to get a puppy, I did tell her that she needed a puppy like she needed a hole in her head.  I know, not my business.  But she was working long hours and traveling a lot, so I gave her my opinion.  But that was just my opinion and I said it once and only once.  If she had decided to get a puppy anyway, it would have been none of my business.  She is an adult and gets to make her own decisions.  Just like you (and every other adult in this world) gets to make their own decisions.

Good luck with your new fur baby - enjoy!

[atticusfinch]

Sneezy,

That makes sense! (Also, parenting kids as they phase into adulthood is hard. Two of mine are adults now, and it is such a delicate thing, knowing if I should say something and if so, when.) Puppies are definitely a lot of work and it's a good idea to go into it with your eyes wide open and to consider work hours/travel. That is totally reasonable.

My family definitely has opinions about everything I do, including what we eat. I'm a single mom, so I still, unfortunately, need their help from time to time, which probably contributes to their idea that they are entitled to tell me what to do.

And thanks for the good wishes!

[Cat of the Canals]

I recognize their likely projection of their own issues onto me, particularly considering my mom's history with pets and the potential narcissistic traits in my sister.

Yeeeeep!

And yes, it still hurts, even if we know it's projection. One thing that helps take the sting out of this stuff for me is pretending I'm a scientist here to collect information on this strange species of Narcissist parentus.

Ah, N. parentus seems to have a strange aversion to it's adult offspring making their own life choices! Fascinating! Could it be that N. parentus is threatened by displays of independence and free will? Let us continue to observe and look for evidence of this hypothesis!

[Leonor]

Eckhart Tolle said something great about dogs. He was talking about how dogs have no ego, they live fully in the present, and they don't have hang ups. A dog can win the ugliest dog in the world contest, and it's completely unaffected.

So I'm wondering if you can look to your new puppy for ideas. Your puppy couldn't care less if your family thinks it's a bad idea, or don't want to acknowledge its existence, or won't pet it, or whatever. It's too busy being a happy, waggly, chewy puppy!

It hurts to be rejected and shamed by your family, and good for you, for seeing how they are rejecting and shaming you through your little furry friend.

But if it doesn't bother your little furry friend, maybe you can invest some of your energy in that little delightful ball of fun, rather than ruminate on your bummer relatives. Relish the long walks, the joyful tugs of war, the bouncing balls. Let your new family member pull you barkily, waggily into the present!

[Boat Babe]

My mum hated the fact that I got a dog when I retired and had the time to be a responsible dog owner. Basically she was jealous. It was laughable.
To be fair to her she does like my dog and is kindish to him but it's taken five years to get there.
I'm sorry your parents are so horrible and wish you many happy years with your dog. They're the best!

[atticusfinch]

Wow, thank you Cat of the Canals, Leonor, and Boat Babe. You're all so wise! I feel kind of dumb being upset over something that wasn't that hard to predict. Maybe this is also a chance for me to ask myself why I was repeating a pattern of my own and hoping for something different from them. And maybe the puppy situation was just shorthand for the fact that family gatherings are really super stressful and bring back up a lot of trauma?

At that is really interesting, Boat Babe, about the jealousy. My sisters and I have had issues with our adult relationships, which my mom simultaneously laments (because she wants the perfect looking family and wants more grandkids), but which she also creates because she doesn't like to share us with anyone else. It is frustrating, because in just 24 hours of me spending time with my parents, she started to fall back into old patterns, lashing out, etc. So it's like she wants us physically available to her at all times and does things to sabotage our relationships with partners and friends but then pushes us away emotionally. I know this is typical narcissistic behavior and it's my job to protect myself, but it's just hard sometimes.

Anyway thanks, all, for your replies. I appreciate you <3

[Boat Babe]

It is hard, of course it is. The people who should love us unconditionally (that is the parents' role after all and one that we need in order to thrive as children and adults) don't. It's really really painful and confusing and makes us ill. We have two choices if we want to protect ourselves and heal. One is to go no/very low contact and the other is to develop almost super human levels of "meh" when they do their shit. Not sure which one is harder and it probably depends on the level of toxicity of the parent and other factors. I am low contact with a reasonable level of "meh" but her failing health means that I am having to do more and more and it isn't great for me. Hey ho!

[sunshine702]

Dogs are about UNConditional love.  Narcs are about CONDITIONAL love.  I honestly don't think there is a bigger threat to these disordered people than a perfect puppy. Thus the "you aren't capable of caring for an animal". Hogwash You are they are JEALOUS of the relationship thus they are  trying to cause doubt and sabotage . My mother also HATES my dogs and seethes "how many dogs do you have?" every time I talk to her.  Dogs are completely not JUDGMENTAL.  She is only about judgement and how I don't measure up. 

I honestly take my mom's hatred of my beloved dogs (never even a dog biscuit sent) — In 20 years.  That I am on the right path with them.  That they are healing and good for me.

[sunshine702]

Trigger warning.  Rainbow Bridge : Pet Loss Grief from an Emergency vet tech.  Complete and utter tear jerker!!  If the Down syndrome guy could fully care for for his beloved Lady you can too.  The relationship is so very special! So very special.  Congratulation!!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TkJGhQANjZo&pp=ygUXVGVkIHRhbGsgcGV0IGxvc3MgZ3JpZWY%3D

[Happypants]

I'm sorry you (and the puppy!) are going through this.  I can't get my head around the family member refusing to pet the puppy because he didn't approve of you getting a puppy in the first place.

Your experience is quite similar to mine but with different dynamics at play.  I'm 48 years old, grew up with pet and working dogs.  My father trained/worked dogs in a professional capacity and my GC brother followed suit.  I'm the family "snowflake" (and scapegoat) and take a less traditional approach to living with and training my pet dogs (which I've had four over 15 years, all a working breed with specific needs and not the easiest breed to have).  Perhaps mirroring your situation with your younger sister, my brother and father are the "dog" people in the family.  I, on the other hand, am generally considered to be incapable of doing anything.  I'm infantilized when it comes to most aspects of life, but particularly where my dogs are concerned, because me having any skills in this department is a threat to father and brothers identities within the messed-up dynamics of our family.  I'm not allowed to have skills or knowledge in this area.  One of my dogs is anxious and reactive and my family gave a lot of push-back  when i advocated to give her space, agency and control over her situation (ironically while trying to advocate for my own space, agency and control  ). At one point, on a family holiday, I was on the receiving end of what felt like an intervention including advice from people who have never trained a dog in their life 

The thing that has helped me with the situation and a lot of my interactions with my family in general is based on what I've learned about reactive dogs.  Being a reliable, predictable and safe caregiver can help calm their nervous system, allowing them to relax, thrive, and enjoy a good quality of life (see where i'm going here?).  It's not easy, but when i'm being lectured, steamrolled or ignored (they don't listen/hear me when I explain my approach to helping my dog, but it doesn't suit them to hear it), I have an invisible bubble around us both where their input no longer penetrates and I'll just do what I have to do to keep her safe, no JADE!  I've had to step in, call her away from people, ignore unsolicited advice, create our own path.  Basically, all the things I should have been doing for myself, i've now began to do for both of us. By advocating for her, I've also advocated for myself.  It's been uncomfortable but necessary. I'm the reliable, predictable and safe caregiver to both of us.  All because of a dog.  They do say you get the dog that you need 

[atticusfinch]

sunshine,

what a great insight about dogs giving unconditional love, and hence why some PDs wouldn't want someone to get that message. I have been thinking about that and it definitely helps!

Happypants,

this is also very insightful! I have noticed when I'm training our puppy that it requires conscious thought on my part to put away my people-pleasing ways and keep the puppy's growth/development first. For example, I didn't quite know what to do when off-leash dogs were running up to her. I'd end up petting/calming the off-leash dog as a way to try and protect my puppy and make sure she didn't have a bad experience? Until I saw a video where a dog trainer said he never allows his puppy to interact with a dog he doesn't know and that he always picks up his puppy, essentially putting his puppy first and not worrying if it offends the owner of the off-leash dog. This was a revelation to me . I could definitely see how my own boundary issues and people-pleasing was affecting how I was socializing my dog and I can see your point about how having boundaries for your dogs can actually help you as well.

You sound like an excellent dog trainer. I'm sorry that your family treats you as if you don't know anything. Even though I don't know you, I can tell just by your post that you are very competent and your family is trying to put you in a box for their own reasons. I'm sorry you've had to go through that and hope you find some peace and take your own space when you need it.