Toxic Birthday Card- and I haven’t even opened it yet!

[nanotech]

I've stopped sending birthday cards to my siblings. This started during lockdown. It was an excuse, TBH.   
I told them I was avoiding the shops. I was. Hubby has underlying health conditions.
This non card buying freed me from a lot of  nonsense. I began to enjoy not having toxic card -sending in my life.
I really began to feel the relief at not having to choose a card for them. Most cards don't apply to the relationships I have with FOO. I've given up on the Magical Thinking where I would choose a card that told them how 'wonderful'  they were.
But that doesn't leave a lot to choose from. I was always an hour in the card shop, trying to get the balance just right.
I never wanted to do what they have often done. I never wanted to weaponise the process!

Cards were and are, one of their weapons of choice.
It's never been quite obvious enough rudeness to convince friends etc they are being rude.

It's a stealthy blade. 

It's seemingly been quite low level stuff. It appears low level, but it's meant to hit me square between the eyes.
It's often dressed up as a joke.
The cards trigger and they mock. They are often passive- aggressive in their tone and words.
They bring up past heartaches if they can, trying to remind me when I 'failed'  or had problems in my life. 

Cards are meant to be a nice gesture.
Their card sending is not nice, or pleasant. But then again, nothing that wasn't totally deniable if challenged.
It's the only contact they still have with me.

The whole birthday thing is difficult for me.
As a kid I used to get stressed around my birthday
My UNPDdad has already said to me in a mocking voice,   " It's somebody's birthday soon!"
Why would he use that mocking tone? I've no idea.
And why would he say "somebody", like that?
I'm 61 not 6.
When I was little, from about the age of 6  or 7 at least, I never wanted anyone to sing happy birthday to me.  I changed completely once I left home. I had it sung to me in the pub by 20 people when I was a student, and loved it then!
Never liked any of my family singing it.
? Not sure why. I never felt it was my day? Does that make sense?
Anyway I digress.

Card plops thru the door today and my heart sinks.
On the envelope is written,
' Boris free, Covid free!'
   
In other words,
" We are all laughing at your  Covid paranoia."'
I've not opened it yet. Lord knows what's inside. Enabling sister makes her own cards.
Making your own cards means the WHOLE CARD can be passive aggressive!
What joy when I open it!

It's not the first time enabling sister has sent a card designed to make my tummy turn over. A very PA one ( hand made) arrived for my wedding anniversary last year. It was a big anniversary, so the put -down was a big one too. It referred 'jokingly' to the one time we had problems.
Devalue
Discard.
UNPD sis sent me a card recently too. Even though I haven't sent her one! ( Thry havd no idea how to stop).
The insult was both in the card ( card was suitable for a 12 year old boy who isn't a relative and lives down the street)
and in her newly acquired 'detached' tone of writing.
( Mind you it's usually sickeningly false love -bombing plus PA digs, so it was actually a relief that her language was cold!).

One time when me and UNPDsister were not speaking, she sent my adult child a birthday card, and had a horrible dig at me though that.
My son puzzled over the comment, trying to make it work as a nice remark, until I told him it was ok, I understood it; was aimed at me.

"Surely not mum?"

Oh yep son. This is how they 'play', and nothing is sacred.

Thanks for listening!
Husband  says don't rise to the bait. He's right I guess.
I may never send another adult card again! At least not to my FOO. 

And I think my paranoia is gonna extend to non -attendance of any family get -togethers! 
For the next ten years at least. 
If you're still reading, thank - you!

[guitarman]

I get triggered by any communication to or from my uBPD/NPD sister. I have decided not to send any cards or presents any more. I feel terribly guilty. It would just be too painful for me to choose anything. Other people just wouldn't understand what turmoil we go through over something that others feel are quite simple and innocuous. 

Perhaps it would be wise for someone else to open the card for you. You could of course just throw it away without opening it but then you would never know what it contained.

Are you hoping for a nice birthday card? Our expectations are never met. When they sometimes are we can then feel guilty for feeling terrible thoughts about the person who causes so much stress and abuse. Always hoping for change. Set your expectations low if you are going to open the card. Expect to be triggered.

Being generous I would always still feel sorry for my sister. She's so sad and pathetic. It must be awful to live in her head.

Observe, don't absorb. I know it's not easy to do.

There is a Buddhist teaching about someone giving you a present. If you don't accept the present, who does the present belong to? It belongs to the person who gave it. In other words don't take on their abuse. Their abuse belongs to them.
https://www.lockeinyoursuccess.com/if-someone-offers-you-a-gift-and-you-decline-to-accept-it-to-whom-then-does-it-belong-buddha/

My uBPD/NPD used to be so loving and kind at times. At other times she can be raging and abusive. I care but can't cope. I'm putting my needs first.

[Andeza]

It's completely acceptable to chuck it in the bin unread, nano. Totally fine.

I'm sorry they use what ought to be a happy time to put you down. It isn't right.

[GettingOOTF]

My therapist suggested that I throw any cards or mail from my family straight in the bin.

Both my family and my ex use my birthday to abuse me. I've come to absolutely dread the day. I am sorry that you too can't enjoy your day free from abuse.  The more stories I hear from others the more I see that abusers really are all the same.

You are under no obligation to open the card.

[nanotech]

Wow!  thank you  so much for your supportive replies. They've helped me realise I'm not just going crazy!
This has gone on for years.
Well, the UNPDsis one went straight in the bin.( but I opened it so not all good).
So I've this one from enabling/ fm sis, and one from UNPDdad has come too. Nothing will arrive from UNPDbrother- he often doesn't send cards, or sometimes they arrive late. That's okay because he's the GC. 

Guitarman- I had hoped that no cards would arrive. It goes to show that it has nothing to do with generosity of spirit. They are all annoyed at receiving no cards, but still the cards come for me. Just not very nice cards, as usual.
I did send a birthday e-card to enabling sister this summer . I took some time with that, personalised it. 🤨 
The other two had to be blocked on email.
(abusive and/ or intrusive)
For years I've sent enabling sis ( Christmas and birthday) presents too,  with nothing at all sent back. I've stopped this now. I suddenly thought wth? Here I was, sending  her thoughtful gifts, and she was sending me cards that often triggered me.
I must have just been looking for approval from The Last Hope, her.

Guitarman, my husband said the same thing as you - that I should remember to feel sorry for her, for them. I know enabling sis isn't in a happy marriage and has not much going on in her life. Older sis complains that she hates where she lives.
So I do feel sorry. But my boundaries are really strong.
I think that enabling sister is looking for a reaction from me, and then she could claim a 'win'. I think in the PD world, at the moment I'm 'winning', because I've stopped engaging, I've dropped the rope.
I don't need to 'win'. I just want to live independently and have fun with my FOC who I love very much.
So I shouldn't react.
It's baiting really.
So I am listening, and keeping calm. I've  let the hurt feelings abate.

I love the Buddhist lesson
on gifting. Thank you. That's one to keep referring to, forever!

Andeza- thank you.  Yes it's my decision whether to open it or not!  I've a few days to decide. It's tucked away for now.

Getting Out of the FOG. Power to your elbow. Yes the bin is our good friend, I guess.
No need to read these cards. 

Sigh. In the past I've displayed them ( for days on end!) knowing them to be abusive. Talk about denial. 
Thanks folks. Hope you're all okay. We've all been though it, and yes, people from functional families don't really understand it.
We can't really expect them to.

[nanotech]

Quick update- I opened enabling sister's card.  card.
Handmade. She'd painted flowers and it looked pretty.
I opened it up and there was another remark mocking me about my Covid awareness, that the card was 'covid free'. ( presumably because she hadn't bought it from a shop?)
I really have no idea why she's like this these days- unless it's the only way in for the NPDs?
When I look back I can see it starting, even before I went NC with the other two.

It's an example of the black and white thinking. I didn't go shopping during lockdown except for essentials, so no card shops. They will exaggerate, and it will become, ' Ooh lol 😆 nano dare not go into a card shop ever, in case of Covid!' 
They will enjoy this gossip and will plan to bring up this stupidity at the next family meal, to shame and to mock me.
BUT I won't be there.
Ever again. 😎
They are not nice people.
Sigh
Anyway,
I ripped it up and binned it.

I got no birthday text from her.
I know she is waiting for a thank- you text for the card. I always send one.
That's not going to happen this year.
I really wish I hadn't said thank-you last year, for a card that was invalidating and discarding.  I think I was in denial that little sister had joined the throng of evil.
I'm glad I opened it. Least now I know. Binned and gone. 😊

[Hepatica]

Dear nanotech,

I'm glad you binned it and I'm glad you're taking Covid seriously, unlike them.

They will enjoy this gossip and will plan to bring up this stupidity at the next family meal, to shame and to mock me.
BUT I won't be there.
Ever again.

I impressed and inspired by your strength in response to it.

My uNPDf has done this weird thing for years where he cuts newspaper clippings and puts them in plastic bags with articles and hangs them on my door handle. When I began to change and gain strength to step out of line with the family and not behave, the bags of cutouts started to get pointed in their content. He was using them as a form of communication. Sometimes he'd underline headlines in pencil or write things in the margins and a few times it was overt criticism. I woke up and I throw them out now. I used to think they were odd, quirky and kind of sweet, but as soon as I changed and he couldn't control me, they became manipulative.

They don't own us and they don't get to infiltrate our minds with questionable messages and love bombing that tries to pull us back into their control.

I think that they like to pat themselves on the back with their birthday cards, which I still get from uNPDsister and father. (They're like a tag team.) I imagine they feel so righteous that they sent something tangible and sickly sweet, when in reality the undercurrent of their toxic behaviour remains the same. Shallow. It's all about the mask and doing the basics of maintaining the appearance of normalcy. But every other day of the year, their life choices are maladaptive, manipulative and deceptive.

[nanotech]

Dear nanotech,

I'm glad you binned it and I'm glad you're taking Covid seriously, unlike them.

They will enjoy this gossip and will plan to bring up this stupidity at the next family meal, to shame and to mock me.
BUT I won't be there.
Ever again.

I impressed and inspired by your strength in response to it.

My uNPDf has done this weird thing for years where he cuts newspaper clippings and puts them in plastic bags with articles and hangs them on my door handle. When I began to change and gain strength to step out of line with the family and not behave, the bags of cutouts started to get pointed in their content. He was using them as a form of communication. Sometimes he'd underline headlines in pencil or write things in the margins and a few times it was overt criticism. I woke up and I throw them out now. I used to think they were odd, quirky and kind of sweet, but as soon as I changed and he couldn't control me, they became manipulative.

They don't own us and they don't get to infiltrate our minds with questionable messages and love bombing that tries to pull us back into their control.

I think that they like to pat themselves on the back with their birthday cards, which I still get from uNPDsister and father. (They're like a tag team.) I imagine they feel so righteous that they sent something tangible and sickly sweet, when in reality the undercurrent of their toxic behaviour remains the same. Shallow. It's all about the mask and doing the basics of maintaining the appearance of normalcy. But every other day of the year, their life choices are maladaptive, manipulative and deceptive.

Thank you Hepatica. Your post was very validating and made me feel a lot better.
That's very interesting, about your dad and the paper cuttings? Particularly when they changed and became manipulative.
My parents have now and again done this.It  was always meant to 'help' me.
They were full of things I already knew, but I would say thanks. At times things were underlined. At times cuttings were sent in the post. The subject matter often highlighted a problem or a conflict I was going though. Either that, or it was concerned with a health issue or work issue, or was to do with my child's education. As I said, generally,I knew the information, but to their minds I wasn't taking it seriously enough, or I had an opposite view from theirs on it.
It's as if they have to be in charge of all aspects of our lives. As if we are still children and can't possibly work things out for ourselves.
I must admit it still feels a bit odd to me that I'm calling them out on the passive aggressive card sending. If I spoke to them now about it, they would laugh and say I was 'too sensitive'. I've heard that old chestnut all my life. I've believed it for most of it! Persuading us we are too sensitive is their preferred  mode of boundary trampling.

I'm not going to any more of the toxic meals. I started to drop these last year. There was some juvenile raging from my unpdbrother ( who never talks to me when I do go). But it was all
Passive Agressive. While PA is hard to prove, it's infuriating for the PDs when you quietly ignore it and choose not to respond in any way or form, to the FOG buttons it presses.

If the family are not 'good' at direct conflict (mine aren't) then they have almost nowhere to go with their toxicity. They may try triangulating ( my brother tried to drag my  adult daughter into my decision not to return his texts, suggesting to her that I was losing my mind). Ah yes, that other old chestnut. 
She's Out of the FOG so no joy there for the brother. 🤪😍

Yes- it is all for show. 'Family' meals!
The idealisation of the family as 'perfect' is a fave pastime of the personality disordered.
Yet there are no healthy conversations in the family!
No love
No favours
No support.
Just toxicity, and unhealthy
rivalry.
Life's too short to feel you have to meet up with these people.
It's sad, but let's go on and go forward.
I've decided to look for a brother figure in my life. Someone non pd of course. I'm going to be careful though!  I already have women friends who I can chat to like sisters, so I'm halfway there with that. I've not enough though.
It's the result of relying too much on your family for your friendships. I've done this daft enmeshment for years. It serves the family dysfunction well. You're born and you are told, 'Welcome to the Hotel California. Don't try and visit any other hotels, ever.'

My husband's family are lovely, emotionally healthy people, and I am very grateful for that!
I do count my blessings.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

There seems to be something about feeling the hurts of abuse from someone before their act even occurs. I wonder if it is residual effects we carry in our bodies from past wounds this person inflicted?  Or is it a warning sign of incoming attacks? You saw a card slide through your door when your birthday is near which would seem innocent enough. But that object coming from that person takes on a whole new form.  You are right. It is no longer a card, it is an opportunity to offload, project and for them to feel some type of release.  We know it is not about us, nor them wanting to have a good relationship. Guitarman shared a quote about a present belonging to the person who sent it and I think there is something to that. A present carries all the intent and energy of the one who selected it. You do not have to open it or acknowledge it. 

[nanotech]

There seems to be something about feeling the hurts of abuse from someone before their act even occurs. I wonder if it is residual effects we carry in our bodies from past wounds this person inflicted?  Or is it a warning sign of incoming attacks? You saw a card slide through your door when your birthday is near which would seem innocent enough. But that object coming from that person takes on a whole new form.  You are right. It is no longer a card, it is an opportunity to offload, project and for them to feel some type of release.  We know it is not about us, nor them wanting to have a good relationship. Guitarman shared a quote about a present belonging to the person who sent it and I think there is something to that. A present carries all the intent and energy of the one who selected it. You do not have to open it or acknowledge it.

Yes that feeling of old wounds revisited!! And possible new ones. Yes. Both my sisters sent me hurtful cards this year, and my dad's was one big syrupy, unrealistic love- bomb.
It's such a pity.

A decade or so ago, UNPDsister had tried ghosting, then tried love -bombing (when she sensed me starting to detach).
She sent me a Lovely card with two women from the 1920s, eating, drinking and gossiping, in beautiful surroundings, their heads together.
She wrote about which woman she thought was me, and which was her! 
( I didn't agree on her choice btw)

She also wrote....

'I miss you. You're my sister. I feel like we are not close any more? What shall we do? I love you.'

Following her months of extreme ghosting by way of the telephone, I was missing this 'side' of her.
She had, and has, an ability to charm. when she chooses.
I had SUCH a yearning to respond. I still feel achy now, when I think of that card. It's like the murky remnants of an addiction.
It's packed full of Fear, Obligation, Guilt. triggers,
It's WORSE than an addiction. Society  CONDONES sisterly love. You have to go againstthe social rules to break free of
this dangerous habit.
It turns your world on its head. No wonder so many choose to stay oblivious.
I threw it away and never responded.
Sensible. Safe. Healthy.
If I'd succumbed,
I would have been back in the same old cycle of people -pleasing her and triangulating away, and being her flying monkey, doing her bidding and then becoming her scapegoat once again.

I'm going to find that quote guitarman mentioned. Thank you guitarman x
Thank you,Blueberry Pancakes x

[sandpiper]

The hoovers are hard. They suck you in because it makes you remember the good times - not all of our time with PD FOO is bad.If you google the circle of abuse wheel, it might help to see that they do this to draw you in.
My T got me to create a pie-chart with all of the stuff that I was telling her about my experiences with my family. It ended up looking like most of the good times we had together was when I was doing something for them. So long as I was an unpaid servant/B&B operator/counsellor/minion, our relationship was great. When I wanted something from them I was being a pain in the butt.
My T got me to review how many relationships I had that were non-reciprocal and started to encourage me to politely say no to things for people who aren't there for me, to step back when once I would have offered to do something for people who won't do things for me, and to start building up the relationships with people who are good to me.
After 20 years of doing that, all I can say is that I've eliminated all of the grubs from the garden & I am flourishing. It really does shift your trajectory.
The cards and the pass-agg gifting is really hard. Wait till one of them does get Covid and then let's see how hard they laugh. We had it back in March here in Australia & 9 months later I still have the scratchy voice and episodes of terrible fatigue. I've had to quietly put up with some ignorant friends who are talking up conspiracy theories and talking down the gravity of it & for me, that was a line in the sand of 'This person is dangerous to be around.' So I've set a few boundaries around people who choose to behave in an unsafe way and I am simply quietly not available to do things with them. I think that Covid has had a really powerful impact on anyone who was already a bit off-balance or having trouble dealing with unpleasant realities so I've been trying to do the Compassion Focused Therapy thing & just quietly accept that they don't have what is needed to cope with that, and to protect myself from the dangerous behaviour. I do not ever want another dose of the virus. My doctor teaches medicine at one of our local universities and she's asked to recruit us for studies on the long-term health implications of it.  Not one of my ambitions in life and I'm here to tell you that it only takes one silly duffer not taking it seriously to infect an entire community.

[Mintstripes]

I really sympathize with you.
Thankfully, I have been NC for years and my FOO don't have my address. I live in another country, too.
Anyway, I experienced the sick feeling you describe every time something came in the mail from them, when they still knew where I lived.
I agree with the others: you can just throw them out, unopened! I understand the curiosity though. But is it worth it?

My DD and I are born in the same month. When she turned 1 (last bday they had an address for me but I was already NC) they sent 2 cards. One for me and one for DD. The one for DD was full of saccharine writing about how much the "loved" their "sweet little angel granddaughter". The card for me...  was blank. No words. No "happy birthday", no "we're sorry" (as if!), nothing. Just white paper with "Mom and Dad" written in tiny script at the bottom.

I'm sorry they're so awful.

[nanotech]

The hoovers are hard. They suck you in because it makes you remember the good times - not all of our time with PD FOO is bad.If you google the circle of abuse wheel, it might help to see that they do this to draw you in.
My T got me to create a pie-chart with all of the stuff that I was telling her about my experiences with my family. It ended up looking like most of the good times we had together was when I was doing something for them. So long as I was an unpaid servant/B&B operator/counsellor/minion, our relationship was great. When I wanted something from them I was being a pain in the butt.
My T got me to review how many relationships I had that were non-reciprocal and started to encourage me to politely say no to things for people who aren't there for me, to step back when once I would have offered to do something for people who won't do things for me, and to start building up the relationships with people who are good to me.
After 20 years of doing that, all I can say is that I've eliminated all of the grubs from the garden & I am flourishing. It really does shift your trajectory.
The cards and the pass-agg gifting is really hard. Wait till one of them does get Covid and then let's see how hard they laugh. We had it back in March here in Australia & 9 months later I still have the scratchy voice and episodes of terrible fatigue. I've had to quietly put up with some ignorant friends who are talking up conspiracy theories and talking down the gravity of it & for me, that was a line in the sand of 'This person is dangerous to be around.' So I've set a few boundaries around people who choose to behave in an unsafe way and I am simply quietly not available to do things with them. I think that Covid has had a really powerful impact on anyone who was already a bit off-balance or having trouble dealing with unpleasant realities so I've been trying to do the Compassion Focused Therapy thing & just quietly accept that they don't have what is needed to cope with that, and to protect myself from the dangerous behaviour. I do not ever want another dose of the virus. My doctor teaches medicine at one of our local universities and she's asked to recruit us for studies on the long-term health implications of it.  Not one of my ambitions in life and I'm here to tell you that it only takes one silly duffer not taking it seriously to infect an entire community.

Thank you sandpiper for understanding. I'm so sorry you've had this awful COVID. I really hope that you soon recover completely from it. I don't really get why people laugh at it  or even deny its existence- when it's clearly real.

Not sure what planet my sister is on right now. My awareness of her passive -aggressive behaviour has possibly unsettled her.
An anniversary card received from her last year had been passive- aggressive too,
(spouse- bashing). It produced a compliant 'thank- you' text from me. 
I had felt uneasy, but I saw she had made the card herself (she's arty) so why wouldn't that be an act of kindness..... ? But no, it wasn't.
I'm learning, but it's slow. The gaslighting grasps me back into the web. I fight it and I'm starting to win.
The responses on here  leave me in no doubt that this kind of sisterly act isn't loving. They show me that I was right to feel weird yet again.
My  initial temptation was again to 'go along with the joke' ( of which I am, again, the butt).
I've  sent no acknowledgement of her card. She will dislike this.
I should 'know my place', which is the butt of all family jokes.
It's the only way they can now deal with my non- compliance and almost zero contact.
It's always been fine for them to bait then ghost me when it suited them, which was often. But WOE betide me if I ever decided, quietly, without drama, to simply  drop the rope.
I did. 
Well, 'woe' IS  me, my name IS mud, and to be honest, it isn't terrifying......it's underwhelming!   

And I didn't lose a thing, because my name was mud anyway!

Seeking approval- you get mud and pain.
Self differentiating - you get mud and peace.

I really like the piechart idea. I think I'll have a try at that. Yes I'm one of those friends who gave a lot and didn't  receive back.  I couldn't ever say no, because I hadn't developed any boundaries. I thought it was what you did to be approved of!  I was far too accommodating. I simply followed the role my family had set for me.
Servility. Compliance.
I was lucky that a couple of my friendships swerved that pattern. I savour those  healthier relationships.

I'm going to look up the ⭕️ of abuse wheel too. Thanks 🙏 again for your advice and support. xxxxx

[nanotech]

I really sympathize with you.
Thankfully, I have been NC for years and my FOO don't have my address. I live in another country, too.
Anyway, I experienced the sick feeling you describe every time something came in the mail from them, when they still knew where I lived.
I agree with the others: you can just throw them out, unopened! I understand the curiosity though. But is it worth it?

My DD and I are born in the same month. When she turned 1 (last bday they had an address for me but I was already NC) they sent 2 cards. One for me and one for DD. The one for DD was full of saccharine writing about how much the "loved" their "sweet little angel granddaughter". The card for me...  was blank. No words. No "happy birthday", no "we're sorry" (as if!), nothing. Just white paper with "Mom and Dad" written in tiny script at the bottom.

I'm sorry they're so awful.

Mintstripes, you've been through the dirt regarding PD family card -sending. That's horrible behaviour. I'm glad you're happier and  NC now. I'm NC to all intents and purposes.
Well, funerals and ( possibly) weddings only.
I'm LC with my elderly UNPDdad but after he
passes on I'll never see the rest of them again. Why would I? They are awful to me. If friends treated us like this we would end the friendships. If work colleagues were like this we would change jobs/ report them/ move departments.
When I first put a stop to the drama conversations ( phonecalls that made my stomach ache) my dad pushed back.

'Well nano, you may not WANT to hear about your sister but you darn well HAVE to.....'
I think I just said,
'Well no, I DON'T have to.'
????????
Stunned silence from dad, followed by stuttering. Then he gave up.
I stopped that triangulation/ malicious gossip/ attempts to create rivalry etc.

Ever since I can remember, from a young child, I had been made to feel responsible my older UNPDsister's bad behaviour, and then later for for my younger  GC UNPDBrother's HAPPINESS.

Talk about pressure.   
If any cards arrive for Christmas I'm going throw them out. I think my sister anticipated that I might do that-and it was why she wrote the PA message on the envelope too.
Note to self;
Don't Read Envelopes!
I'm so disappointed in her. Up until a couple years ago I thought she wasn't that bad compared to the other two. But she's as bad!
Worse really, because her sheep's clothing meant that until last year she had access to my social media. 
It's so ridiculous - I'll just have to avert my eyes and pick the card up with a grabber! Then bin it! Xx
Thank you so much for your kind response xxxxx

[Mintstripes]

Nano: perfect response. You definitely don’t “HAVE” to hear about anyone. Your plan to chuck the cards is a good one!

I just remembered another toxic card situation from my 20’s. I legally changed my first and last names (long story), much to the disappointment of my covert narc enabler mother. Although it was hard, I had a conversation with her setting boundaries about my new name, informing her of the official change (she was in denial over the few years I was considering it/applying for it).
Anyway, she sent a birthday card addressed to the right name, but on the inside was sure WRITE MY DEADNAME!!
I emailed her after to say thank you for the card and for using new name on the envelope (she knew she needed to for it to be sent...) but I noticed she used Deadname inside and reminded her to please call me by X, I know it’s difficult for her but those are my wishes etc.

Then came the response, which was something like this:

“Dear Mintstripes,

I went out of my way for you on my lunch hour to choose that card with love. Obviously, you intended to hurt your mother and all I can say is that YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED.

Mom”

I also hear you on the siblings being wolves in sheep’s clothing. I have a GC bro like that. Had to go NC with him too because he was FOO’s loyal messenger and would go behind my back to report things, pictures to them.

[nanotech]

Nano: perfect response. You definitely don't "HAVE" to hear about anyone. Your plan to chuck the cards is a good one!

I just remembered another toxic card situation from my 20's. I legally changed my first and last names (long story), much to the disappointment of my covert narc enabler mother. Although it was hard, I had a conversation with her setting boundaries about my new name, informing her of the official change (she was in denial over the few years I was considering it/applying for it).
Anyway, she sent a birthday card addressed to the right name, but on the inside was sure WRITE MY DEADNAME!!
I emailed her after to say thank you for the card and for using new name on the envelope (she knew she needed to for it to be sent...) but I noticed she used Deadname inside and reminded her to please call me by X, I know it's difficult for her but those are my wishes etc.

Then came the response, which was something like this:

"Dear Mintstripes,

I went out of my way for you on my lunch hour to choose that card with love. Obviously, you intended to hurt your mother and all I can say is that YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED.

Mom"

I also hear you on the siblings being wolves in sheep's clothing. I have a GC bro like that. Had to go NC with him too because he was FOO's loyal messenger and would go behind my back to report things, pictures to them.

Oh my goodness Mintstripes. Why do they do these things?  Of course you should be addressed by your new name. That should have been respected. I think they see any change we make as a kind of power challenge - something like that.
Our choices as adults are not all about them (though some are in response to them )- but they view them ALL as personal attacks.
It's all about theirloss of control and our becoming independent people.

She knew that using your previous name inside the card would elicit a response from you, which would then give her the chance to jab at you over the whole thing.
Yep you've had the enabler/ wolf/ flying monkey experience too. Sometimes when you bolt one door, the 'job' is passed to someone else.
I have a niece that has taken on the role of wolf in sheep's clothing. It's only in the last few months that I've realised this. I became aware of things being passed along with a lot of 'spin' attached. I haven't texted her since.

[sandpiper]

Oh wow. Sorry to follow the diversion but what Mintstripes said about her mother & the change of name. I changed my name after I left school and I tried to do it tactfully without saying 'You don't get to dictate who you think I am any more' - but I think they hear that anyway.
I got the 'oh sorry I slipped up, you don't mind if I call you by the name you hated, do you?' From cousins and relatives and frenemies for years.
Finally I got in a good one.
I ran into one of the most vicious aunts when I was out at my local restaurant, run by very dear friends, in my community which FOO should not have been in because it's so far out of the beaten track for them. She was there with a group of friends that included one of my clients, so she had to put up a good front. She tried to do the hug and kiss thing and loudly said 'Hello Not Your Name For Twenty years, you don't mind if I call you by your old name, do you?' I was so annoyed by the fakery and her wanting me to go along with pretending that we're a sweet loving family that I said 'I don't think I see you often enough for it to matter What You Call Me.' I said it with enough soft venom that all of the ladies in her group of friends looked shocked. My client looked a bit stunned but when I explained that Aunt was faking a relationship that we don't have and she has never once attempted to contact me - ever - not when I was a child and not after I turned 18 - and I wasn't about to go along with her need to keep up appearances - she got it. Truly, though. If I could go back in time and give my younger self advice, it would be to move to the other side of the country so you don't have to put up with this stuff. My attempts to heal were made so much more difficult by FOO doing the random hoovers. I spent a lot of time working on ways to have a civil VLC relationship with mother's FOO & when I think how much energy I put into that, and what I could have achieved doing something else other than putting out fires with that lot...yep. These days it has made me a lot less tolerant of it when I encounter someone who wants to play the same games. I give it zero attention. It might get under my skin, but I've learned nothing irritates them so much as thinking they aren't important enough to get even a small rise out of you.

[nanotech]

Oh wow. Sorry to follow the diversion but what Mintstripes said about her mother & the change of name. I changed my name after I left school and I tried to do it tactfully without saying 'You don't get to dictate who you think I am any more' - but I think they hear that anyway.
I got the 'oh sorry I slipped up, you don't mind if I call you by the name you hated, do you?' From cousins and relatives and frenemies for years.
Finally I got in a good one.
I ran into one of the most vicious aunts when I was out at my local restaurant, run by very dear friends, in my community which FOO should not have been in because it's so far out of the beaten track for them. She was there with a group of friends that included one of my clients, so she had to put up a good front. She tried to do the hug and kiss thing and loudly said 'Hello Not Your Name For Twenty years, you don't mind if I call you by your old name, do you?' I was so annoyed by the fakery and her wanting me to go along with pretending that we're a sweet loving family that I said 'I don't think I see you often enough for it to matter What You Call Me.' I said it with enough soft venom that all of the ladies in her group of friends looked shocked. My client looked a bit stunned but when I explained that Aunt was faking a relationship that we don't have and she has never once attempted to contact me - ever - not when I was a child and not after I turned 18 - and I wasn't about to go along with her need to keep up appearances - she got it. Truly, though. If I could go back in time and give my younger self advice, it would be to move to the other side of the country so you don't have to put up with this stuff. My attempts to heal were made so much more difficult by FOO doing the random hoovers. I spent a lot of time working on ways to have a civil VLC relationship with mother's FOO & when I think how much energy I put into that, and what I could have achieved doing something else other than putting out fires with that lot...yep. These days it has made me a lot less tolerant of it when I encounter someone who wants to play the same games. I give it zero attention. It might get under my skin, but I've learned nothing irritates them so much as thinking they aren't important enough to get even a small rise out of you.

Sandpiper that's fine to divert and it's so true that they just want the reaction. Well done you on giving them a reaction they didn't seek  or want! They feed off creating defensiveness in us.
I've often had to suffer the saccharine fakery at the rare get togethers.
My six year old granddaughter hit the nail on the head re the disconnect between reality and downright acting. 
After one particularly gruelling falsely sentimental family 'party' she asked her mum,
' Who is that woman who hugged me so hard  and fussed over me and said I'm beautiful and she loves me so much BUT
if that's right ... how come I don't know HER and how come she never comes round to our house or rings us?'
(She was my sister).
There's no relationship except for these occasional and awful forced 'shows'.
The last time was a family funeral.
At the wake, My FOO found out that my husband sometimes goes by a different first name at work. It's a nickname really. A play on his own name. Well, they made fun of that! Fussed about it till the cows came home! They just couldn't stop seeing the funny side! And didn't I see how FUNNY it was? There was this kind of offended air alongside the hysterical mirth, as well, as if we should have asked their permission first!

After I got home, two of them continued the subtle ridiculing, by text. One of them kept texting and insisting that the new name just didn't suit him!  Again the sense was that he had no right to make this change without their knowledge or approval!
I married someone from a different culture, whose name reflects that. In their insistence that his ( English) nickname 'didn't suit him' I could see racism rearing its ugly head.
My sister even tried to 'prove' her point.
( They always know better than us of course). She texted me and jokingly referred to a British actor of that name, citing his cultural
difference from my husband as evidence for the name 'not being suitable' for him. Because he's non British? This is so awful. I've  only just begun to see just how bigoted their reaction was.
I calmly called her out on it. Said how surprised I was about all the fuss people had made, over a simple name change.
Then they both stopped texting me.

Just like the toxic birthday card, it had all been VERY  passive aggressive.

They make cruel fun of our choices and decisions, and of the choices and decisions of
our FOC.

[sandpiper]

Yes, mother's FOO thinks racism is hilariously funny & that's one of the reasons that I stepped back out of their circle. I put up with far too many barbs about the cultural background that my father comes from and given how dumb and slow they all are I have always been stunned by their delusions of superiority and their enthusiasm for knocking others down based on their outlandish ideas about race.
Good on you for stepping out of it.
You don't always have to give them a response. In fact, I think the whole 'Hmmm what? Sorry I was busy,' is a really good way to signal to them that frankly, you aren't interested and you aren't going to bite.
I swear that sometimes I have had to walk away wanting to punch the walls because the impulse to tell them exactly what I think of them and how I see right through them is so overwhelming, but I know that the most powerful thing you can do is to create a world where they don't have that kind of power and they feel small and insignificant and invisible. It's what they do to us and they hate it.
In time time find people who will bite, it's just a matter of making yourself completely uninteresting.
It's hard work but it's worth it.

[nanotech]

Thanks Sandpiper. You are right.
I'm trying very hard to make myself appear dull and boring.   
I'm sorry your mum's family were so hurtful and racist about your dad's background. That must have been so horrible.
It's an attack on who you are as a person.
I'm sending hugs. xx

Until I wrote down their reactions (about my husbands nickname)  - on here- and looked at it- I simply hadn't seen the racism. How did I not?  I had felt very uneasy and upset, but couldn't put my finger on why I was so deeply troubled by it, by not being able to 'see the funny side'.  They dressed their responses up as jokes, as they always have.
😬  I've come to realise, since becoming LC with dad, more or less NC with the rest, that I may have let them subtly patronise him like this for years.😬
I think I may have done that, in order to remain approved of. OMG. Yikes it hurts to write that!   
That's all stopped now. Phew

Last night I got a Hoover via text message from flying monkey sister. (She who sent the card that 'inspired' this thread)
It was very short, robotic even, just telling me in five words, that there would be a Christmas card arriving soon.
Great.
She made it sound like this was an amazing and unexpected favour. Hmmm 🤔!
There are many ways I could have answered. I was tempted to write;

'Thanks for the heads up, I'll be waiting by the door with the  bleachspray,  HAHA!'
or
'Oh wow a Christmas card? From YOU? My life is magically perfect!'

She would have liked the first answer because it's self- mocking. They liked when I did that. And in the past I have fallen into that trap. Laugh along, and it doesn't hurt as much. 
Go on , collude in your own bullying.

In fact I waited several hours to answer,then just sent back a simple 'thumbs up' icon.
Information diet and all of that. No real engagement.
I think it was a both a Hoover and a fishing expedition.
They are wondering if I'm going to send Christmas cards.
We've no real relationships. They've no real interest in me as a person. They need me to be 'in role' as scapegoat and assigned approval- seeker.
Cards form part of that role. I've stopped complying. Cards must be hugely important to their sense of worth.  They can't abide my refusal to join in. Drama and fuss! Stamping of resentful toes!
But, no, not going there any more.  It sn't the loving kindness variety of card -sending!
The function of the card-send, in my FOO, is to take an act of love and twist  it to mock, to shame, to gaslight, and to impose guilt and obligation.