Trying to make sense of it- Good days and some really awful days

[I.Matter]

After much thought, I want to share some things in this safe forum and had to get my thoughts together.   My Mom passed in July 2020 due to dementia.   I am still grieving the loss of my Mom.   She was diagnosed with dementia in 2015 which she didn't believe.   During that times from 2015 to when my Mom passed, I was in constant communication with the sibling who lived in the same state as our Mom.   I thought and believed that our relationship was solid and how siblings should be.  I have two siblings who are like Hatfiled and McCoy with each other and with me in the middle and the peace keeper.   I didn't get involved in the gossip and slander about the siblings or the slander about the spouses.  I stayed out of it.  However they both tried like heck to get on "their sides".   I was the SG and the other siblings were GC with older being the GC and then joining me as the SC.    The older sibling was the POA and then it was changed to the GC.   The GC planned our Mother's funeral and headstone without talking with her siblings.  The day that our Mom passed both siblings announced that they weren't going.  At the funeral they didn't speak to each other.   What a cluster f**K.   The GC didn't want the other sibling staying in our Mother's house.  So immature!   I think both of them are PD! 

When my mother was the nursing home, all information on my Mothers state had to go thru the GC as the nurses would not give us any information without the GC consent.   I visited  when I could and face timed with my Mother  (I live in another state) but believed that GC was telling me the truth at every turn.   When I visited in Dec 2019, I point blank asked the GC who the Executor of the will was and she told me that the lawyer was, however when I received a copy of the will in November 2020, the GC was.  She looked me in the eye and lied, but why?

I received a copy of the will recently which was changed in 2017 and I was disinherited as well my the other sibling SG.   The GC got everything and if something happens to her, everything goes to her child.     

I am trying to move forward in my life and have decided to go NC with both siblings for my own sanity and to heal.   I have to get myself back which I lost over the years.

[bloomie]

I.Matter - Hi there. What a long road it is to lose a parent to dementia. I lost my own mother to that terrible disease. I am so very sorry for your loss and that layered into that loss is the dysfunction and toxic behaviors of your siblings. All just so very hard!

I am trying to move forward in my life and have decided to go NC with both siblings for my own sanity and to heal.   I have to get myself back which I lost over the years.

What an incredible gift to give to yourself. Space around you and an opportunity to focus on healing and grieving all that has been lost.

I don't think I fully understood just how broken the connections were and what was going on behind the scenes with two of my own siblings until after my parents died and so many things were revealed. The years since then have been a seismic shift in my life trajectory, relationships with extended family, and a time of finding myself and my own truth and learning to live from that truth.

I am so thankful for the growth and healing that has taken place and hope the same for you in the coming days, weeks, months. You are on a courageous path. We are here to cheer you along the way and encourage you.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

IMatter - condolences on the passing of your mother. It is amazing how the illness and passing of a parent can bring so much else to light. Things we never never noticed or brushed off out of habit or to keep the peace suddenly bring awareness and takes us on a divergent path. 
   
I do believe what you are doing to heal and for your own sanity and quality of life is one of the best a gifts you can give yourself. Nobody can do it for you and certainly not parents or siblings.
   
I began a similar journey nearly three years ago. I can also say I have noticed a seismic shift in my life in the most positive ways. I could have never been here if I had remained as my FOO wanted. As stated, I agree you are on a courageous path. You have much to be proud of. Sending my support.   

[I.Matter]

Thank you Bloomie and Blueberry Pancakes for your support and replies.   This  has been an eye opening experience for sure.   I've put my needs and wants on hold for such a long time while catering to the needs of  the family.   For 20 years, I traveled to the state where my Mom and GC were/are every year for 20 years and 2x a year to visit, even when I was unemployed.   They both visited me once in all those years.  The former CG and now SG visited me one time because her spouse had a family reunion in the state that I live in and that was at least 10 years ago.   I feel duped, angry and cry for the person that believed she had a family who cared or liked her. All the money and time that I spent,  could have been invested in my future and for travel.  They visited each other just not me.  They took vacations but never a vacation to see me.

I've sent cards during B-days, Mother's day (Mom, and 2 siblings), Father's day to BILs  and Christmas and Birthday gifts every single year to my niece and nephew while I've gotten one card for my Birthday if that and hardly a Christmas gift.  Every single year I sent a total of 12 cards for 20 years without missing a beat.   I gave from my heart.

Both siblings have cut me off at various times by not speaking to me for months on whim however I forgive them each and every time and came back as if nothing happened because they were family.   I never did that to them.   While I can't get those years back, I am investing in myself now.    I still question my gullibility and I realize that I never had a family.  I question why they hated me so much. 

I look at every single relationship in my life now with different lenses.    If the relationship is not uplifting, supportive and loving, I'm out.    From the words of Maya Angelou "If someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them".  That's my motto going forward.