Mom walks out on me.... again

[Free2Bme]

Really heartsick about an episode with my estranged M last evening.   

I do not believe my M is PD.   (she just doesn't meet the criteria). 
However, she has a some traits; inability to admit fault, blame-shifting, etc. 

I have a lot of hurt because M disconnected from me when I divorced but she maintained a relationship with my updxh for almost 5 years now.  M and SF live near me but offered no support (me and 4 children) while I was going through protracted, high conflict divorce.   Updxh lives out of town, when he visits my city he takes kids to visit my M and SF.  My kids have said they have overheard my M and SF speaking badly about me with my updxh at these visits. (I do not disparage my M or updxh to my children).

I have struggled with a lot of hurt and have been working on forgiving my M.  I also factor in that M and SF were also manipulated by updxh, he's very convincing (M and SF are not very sophisticated/savvy about predatory people).

Last week M texts me to say happy b-day, I returned a polite response.  This led to a phone call and small talk, ended on an okay note and M asked me to dinner.   I have longed to have M back in my life and to finally resolve and put some of the hurt behind us.  I have made progress and felt I could be calm and collected, no JADE. 

It was a patio dinner, small talk ad nauseam and we had run out of things to say.  I gently brought up her 4 year absence and said it has been really difficult , that I could not understand.  Her response....blame it on me, I'm a horrible, nasty daughter and she had to because of how I had treated her (no one I know would describe me in this manner).  I pointed back to the last conversation we had before she went NC, where I stood my ground on something (she was telling me I said something I didn't).  I asked why she wanted to have a relationship with my updxh who abused her grandchildren (and me) her response..... accused me of not allowing her to visit kid's so she had to go through updxh to  have time with them (untrue).   I told her I wanted a relationship with her but we needed to resolve these things and asked her to tell me one specific thing that I had done that needed resolving that I was willing to acknowledge if I had wronged her, apologize, ask for forgiveness and make amends.  She couldn't name one thing and said she would have to get back to me on it.   So, she is both unwilling to admit fault, and unable to tell me even one of the terrible things I had done to her.

She ended up standing over me at our table, leaning over me, telling me how awful I was, then walked out, got in her car and drove away. (This is not the first time)

I'm 54, her only child, and this still crushes me.  She's 73 and not in great health, I don't want this to be my last memory of her.  Apparently, I am a party of one.

I think she enjoys her victim status, if she were to admit fault, she would have to turn in her victim card and do things differently.  So, she will sacrifice her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren to maintain this narrative.
Maybe she is PD.
Maybe i'm the SG.   

My T warned me not to expect anything different from M.  But yet I returned to trying to get unmet wants/needs resolved.
I am not happy with myself right now, thinking of how I could have handled it differently/better.

I feel so alone in this.  How does one learn to accept this sort of thing and be at peace? When will this pain end?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey.

You were kind. You gave her a huge opportunity. You also stuck to your boundaries and refused to be gaslit or lied to. I think you did very well. And now the truth is out there. She'd rather keep her victim card than have a relationship with you.

My parents and in-laws are the same, and it really really hurts! I'm so sorry. I think you can be very proud of yourself here.

[nanotech]

Oh I do feel for you. It's the whole thing society grinds into us- that our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally. Sometimes they just don't.
Mine don't. Neither do my siblings.
My mum used to say she still felt sorry for my ex, who assaulted me in more ways than one.
She knew he had physically attacked me, but closed her eyes to the other. I was 14 when I met him. Mum and dad didn't keep me safe (because he charmed my mum).
They are disloyal to get their own needs met.
Your mum is ONE person on this planet.
Search out the good people, the healthy people. Nurture your inner child. Xx

[nanotech]

I wanted to add, it does get easier!  I've been Out of the FOG for several years now. It's a grief process. You will get through it. 
Blame and shame are weapons they use to deflect from their own behaviours.
They can't be wrong- so it has to be us.
Once I saw it and began to heal, it actually became quite funny 😁 at times to see how they would twist and fictionalise events in order to blame me! 
The main trick is to stop caring. It can begin with starting to care a little less. Then build on that, until you don't actually bother about what she thinks. Her version of what you 'should' be totally relates to getting her needs met.
This is the hard thing that we have to accept.
But we can manage fine without their love and approval.
Thd PD way is to never give it anyway. They just dangle the hope of it. They want to watch us trying for it- it  gives them pleasure ( their narcissistic supply) .
If we call them out then we get the narcissistic rage. It's the worst bit- but if you can power through that calmly and with self- love, they actually ain't got much after that.
My UNPDdad settled down and accepted my boundaries. So I'm VVLC with him. My siblings didn't- I'm NC with them.
Basically, you got punished for being yourself, and asking her to accept that you are differentiated from her. But carry on being yourself. You have a right to live your own life rather than living as a sort of cardboard cut out.

[Boat Babe]

I so understand how you feel and am sending you a huge hug. 

I no longer expect much from my mother, but she doesn't sound as cold hearted and manipulative as your mother. I am so sorry this happened.

I would say, in the first instance, you need to really nurture yourself and recover from this blow. Being hurt by your own mother really sucks and you need all the love you can get from trusted persons right now. Throw all your resources at restoring your emotional equilibrium. You deserve this.

Then, you will have to make a decision about how much Contact, or none, you want with your mother. That decision will come naturally as you gain strength again and a further understanding of her mental state.  Perhaps read the info about PD traits here. Whatever you think about her state of mind, it is her behaviour and it's effect on you and your children that you must bear in mind more than anything else.

I'm 63 and sometimes cry about my childhood. Mostly though, I have a great life, and you can too.

❤️❤️❤️

[Free2Bme]

CMC, 
Thank you for the affirmation, it truly helps to not feel alone in it.   This IS the reality of the situation, I must work to accept it, clearly there will be no epiphany on her part...... SMH.  As you said it was an opportunity, and she was willing to waste it. 

nanotech, 
You are right on.  My brain wants me to believe this was an isolated event and fixable with logic and rational discussion (my achilles heel).  The truth is, it is an obvious pattern with M and SF.  I have had difficulty accepting it.  I think being married to updh (really more ASPD) left me hanging on to family connections and tolerating M & SF without challenging them much.  When I did, it was smacked down.  I was the peacemaker.............or peacefaker I should say.  It's hard for me to imagine M living such an unexamined life, she has literally lived the same day over and over for 73 years   
Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your perspective.

Boat Babe,
Thank you for the kind words, I'm sorry that you have experienced this kind of loss. 
This is a blow.  It wants to validate all that I experienced with my updxh, the gaslighting, the massive smear campaign, my church put me out, friends disappeared..... so much has happened, and I begin to think "is it me?".  After some processing, I realized that I cannot allow M's issues to cause a setback, I've worked to hard to survive all of this.   I have T tomorrow morning, thankfully.