Respectfully staying out of NPD exH's relationship with his birthmother...

[topaz]

My diagnosed-NPD exH and I co-parent our DS, 6. The past year has been relatively low-drama between us as parents (though not completely without issues! but DS is doing well, which is the important thing).

Shortly before we divorced 3 years ago, NPD exH found his birthmom (he had a closed adoption but was able to find her later in life) and started a relationship with her. She actually lives in our metro area and I met her a couple times before the divorce. She is a complicated person, and I sympathize with my exH for likely having a complicated relationship with her. She certainly has some PD traits and a lot of health issues. But I know that, until recently, my exH was seeing her occasionally and DS enjoyed his visits with "Nana D", and I know everyone was glad that he had reached out and found her.

Like I said, I never knew her very well. I didn't ever consider her my MIL in the way that my exH's adoptive mother was my MIL. (Similarly, my exH would consider the woman who raised him to be "mom", since he didn't meet his birthmom until he was almost 30.) Still, I'm facebook friends with the birthmom - I'm not on bad terms with any of my ex-in-laws (even if we're not buddies exactly), and we all low-key share funny things that DS does or says when he's with us (nobody is oversharing, in my opinion), which I think is nice for all the adults in his life to be seeing from one another.

ANYWAY, birthmom just sent me a facebook message that said, basically, "Hi! How's it going? I enjoy seeing little updates about [DS] on your facebook page. I was wondering how [DS] is doing. [NPDexH]'s isolation has included me. I appreciate your consideration."

SO: I don't know why NPDexH has isolated birthmom, or even if he actually has. It could be related to him being sort of an asshole. It could be related to her being a difficult person. I feel badly for birthmom because I know she had developed something of a grandparent relationship with DS, and I think that was good, and I can understand feeling frustrated if suddenly that relationship was cut off. BUT! I don't feel like it's my responsibility to maintain that relationship. I would feel differently if it was my ex-MIL reaching out to me, who I know pretty well and with whom I know my DS is close.

How can I respectfully stay out of this situation? Can I say, "I'm happy to keep sharing pictures and funny stories of DS and to let you know we're doing well" and also stand firm on "but I'm not the parent with whom to facilitate in-person phone calls or meetings, if that's what you're looking for?" I guess I'm worried that any response is going to open up a can of worms, and any non-response is going to come across as meaner than I want.

[NumbLotus]

One option is a non-answer. "Hi! I'm doing well. Looking forward to spring and nicer weather. Hope you're doing good as well!"

[NumbLotus]

If you want, you can also add "Glad you like the DS updates! He's doing great, I really love watching him grow."

The point is that I recognize in you the urge to take requests seriously, whether we acquiesce or carefully and thoughtfully push back.

Most people don't take things so seriously, though, I've observed. Some people just don't even read carefully and won't even fully "hear" the request. Others will hear the request but not sweat it.

We don't have to kill ourselves responding fully to vague communications. If she wants to push the issue, you can be direct, but you can see if she'll just drop it.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Good for you for staying out of it! You are right, it isn't your relationship.
And it isn't your responsibility or (potential) problem.
You don't need to figure out anyone's motivations, make any effort at reading between the lines or make any potentially dangerous assumptions.
If it were me, I would Medium Chill the scenario like anything else to do a PDx or "complicated" people.
Respond only to what is in front of you and only what is not personal. Keep it light and breezy.
For example:
Thumbs up emoji.
Everyone's good.
Take care.
~topaz

[topaz]

Thanks, all! I agree, I think a polite non-answer/medium chill response makes sense.