Anguished and confused

[Doore]

This evening I have received the following from my sister, I've received pages and pages of emails similar two months ago but this one has done a number on me:

moderator note- content redacted for confidentiality


When I rang her and said I could talk as my in laws are in the house she hung up and now her phone is switched off...

I'm in pure anguish and fear and anger.

Any advice or words of wisdom, would be lovely.

Thank you in advance

[Poison Ivy]

Wow. Receiving messages like those your sister sent would mess with me, too. I suggest that at this point you either not respond to the messages and do nothing else or not respond to the messages and call 911 and ask whether they can send someone to your sister's home.

[Doore]

Genuinely, I know I should be stronger and firm with boundaries and no longer respond to demands and guilt but I do and regret it if I don't and regret it if I do.

It's affecting my relationship with my partner as I've cried 5/7 days this week so far. 

[xredshoesx]

i am so sorry you are enduring this and glad your partner can give you support IRL.  we did have to edit out the letter but if you want to paraphase it without word for word details i can add it back in.

your sister is using the threat of suicide to manipulate you and the rest of your family.  my biological mother used this tactic too and it's one of the reasons she lost custody of me for the first time when i was three. IMO it's the WORST kind of manipulation because of what you said- either way you are put in a corner no matter what you decide to do. 

be gentle with yourself today.  i agree with poison ivy about asking for a welfare check.  again, i am sorry you are dealing with this.

[discarded]

Used to have a friend who uses threats of suicide into roping you into conversations with them. That friendship ended as fast as it started. They like to sucker another friend into "helping."

Feeling suicidal is an awful mental state. Most people try to remedy that with professional help. This person was always fine after he roped you in. There are so many ways to seek professional and emergency counselling when you're struggling with such a difficult emotional state. People have to want to help themselves, and that's not cruel. After so many threats of suicidality it starts to look like manipulation.

IMO feeling suicidal is a difficult state to be and those who have been there, tend to not use it as a threat to rope people in.

[moglow]

Doore, all anyone can do in that situation is try your best to remain compassionate. I can't imagine what that must be like inside her head, pinging around like a pinball machine with no apparent direction. And what are you to actually provide in that situation - you're told how you must and mustn't respond, what's the "wrong" thing to say or how your words or your inflection is wrong. You can't use your own words but can't repeat hers back to her either. Begging to talk to you but when you're actually available, suddenly she is not... and you're supposed to somehow fill all those gaps for her, on demand.

You can't. You can try and you can continue to be disappointed along with her, is basically all you have. While I realize she can't fix this on her own, certainly neither can you. Whether she's off meds or not taking them correctly or even possibly needs some adjustments there, SHE has to do it and follow through.

I'm guessing she lives alone -does she work? Have any outside interests, friends, etc? I get the feeling she's insulated by choice and all this gets knotted up until she has to have release. Hours and hours of it until you're exhausted, only to continue later the same day?? That kind of mania has to be exhausting, for everyone.

As mentioned above, she keeps bring up taking her life and I'd have to call emergency services to her. Let her know that's your only option, and if that's what it takes to get her professional help so be it. What she's doing isn't working and she desperately needs something that DOES.

Please take care of yourself. Find what comforts and restores you, and keep doing those things so you're not wrung out. We're here with you.

[mary_poppins]

I want to participate to this discussion but the contents of the letter was removed.

[moglow]

@mary_poppins - yes it was removed for privacy reasons. Quoted communications are too easily searchable as well as a violation of privacy guidelines. 

[Doore]

Hello all,

I've taken some time to try sort my anxiety and mental health so hadn't replied. Apologies all.

The more Ive thought about it all I've come to realise that I've been trying to rationalise something that isn't rationalisable! Some part of me knows that nothing I do or say will heal us until she decides, as it's been always. And me responding or calling isn't going to do anything but feed into it.

I'm really trying to be kind in my appraisal of this situation and am realising how my taking part has made things worse, I will try my best going forward to be better in not letting my emotions react to the shocking things I hear. This just proves her point.

I'm still very tired and in turmoil but I'm choosing for myself to be a person leading with kindness not shock.

Thank you all for your own kindness and support x