Issues with rejection

[miffyxo]

Hi all

It's been a while since I posted but going through more family drama 😞 Me and my fiancé recently sent out wedding invites and they went to all my fiancés family and both our sets of friends, and only one of my family members - my uncle. I went no contact with my parents for many traumatic reasons (have some previous posts explaining but basically lots of abuse and narcassism).

So we got rsvp pretty much straight away from all my fiancés family but my uncle hasn't rsvp's yet. Instead I got an email from him letting me know he "really" wants to come to my wedding but he's worried about a lot of different things like how to get to the wedding as his car is old, how he would get from the hotel to the venue, that he's worried he would upset my mum (his sister), and that he wouldn't know anyone so would have no one to sit with. But he said he "really" wants to come and will let me know much sooner than the reply by date of end of November (how lucky am I lol) He then ended the email saying he was off on holiday now and would let me know how it went.

I'm just so disappointed because none of his excuses make any sense. My fiancé quite rightly pointed out he's fallen out with my mum many times before and they even went through a phase of not speaking for years so I don't get why his relationship with my mum is suddenly so important now. Also my fiancé has family travelling from another country, so my uncle travelling from another UK city really doesn't feel like such a journey, especially as I visit there every few months. He is also my only remaining family member im still in contact with, and I was even going to ask him to walk me down the aisle.

Now I'm feeling so rejected and useless, like I'm unworthy of making the effort for. With more bad luck we also had a Halloween party at the weekend and only two friends turned up, everyone else had reasons. This made me feel even worse and I ended up getting so upset it even annoyed my fiancé who said that everyone came to our last party and said they really enjoyed it so it's just a unhappy coincidence most of our friends couldn't make it to this one and that he doesn't want me to push people away by feeling rejected and stop inviting them to things. It doesn't stop me still feeling so upset and rejected and useless. I just can't eeem to seperate the small rejections from the really big ones and decide who to hold onto and who to let go.

But I don't want to push him away by feeling so down, so I really just need some help to feel better again. He has been really supportive the past few months but I just keep getting triggered by any signs of rejection and this makes me feel upset for days at each occurrence and I'm sure this is causing a strain to our relationship. I just find rejection so difficult. I wish I could just be happy for the good things I do have.

Thanks for reading x

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. I'm sorry and I think I understand. For your uncle, he's going to do what he's going to do. Okay, let me know.

Whatever his reasons or nonsense reasons are, it's obvious to me that it has nothing to do with you. I would be seriously rethinking the whole walking you down the aisle thing, though. That's a big honor and he is really not consistently treating you well.

About pushing your fiancé away with your big feelings... I have felt that fear many times, even after years of marriage. The thing is he cannot fix it for you, is he perhaps feeling that you want him to do that? Your feelings about the Halloween party may be disproportionate to what actually happened. I'll take your word that it was bad luck and your friends are generally reliable and reciprocate. Okay. It's not just about that. Disappointment on top of disappointment is just plain hard to manage. Wishing you could just be happy for the good things you do have doesn't fix the loss. You have real grief, and seeing fiancé's RSVPs come rolling in is not helping you much. At the moment, you are seeing the disparity and it's hurting you. That cannot be stuffed down. You've got some time before the end of November and whenever your actual wedding is. I suggest leaning into that grief now, letting it do its thing, feel those feelings. Journaling, punching bag, whatever to just let it out. It's real. And it's best dealt with instead of denied. Your fiancé will still be there and all of your new family members to celebrate with you when you are more ready. It's really okay to take that time.

[nanotech]

Just never mind - he's been invited, and either he comes or he doesn't.
Don't stress. Don't get drawn in to any conversations regarding your mum. He clearly using his invitation to try some leverage.  She's not going to get invited so that your uncle has 'someone to sit with'. That's ludicrous. 
As regards cars/ hotels and all that jazz- he's a grown up! He's been invited and it's up to him to organise his attendance. Don't respond to any of these 'conditions' of attendance.
What happens when we feel a bit rejected, because of how we've been programmed growing up,is that our brains can mistakenly latch onto other things ( party) that then can build those deep down feelings. We can be our own worst enemies like that! Your partner sounds lovely and I really like what he said in response to your feelings on the party and I agree not to conflate the two things!

We've a family wedding next year, and I've kinda had a similar non committal response from two siblings. It's just meanness. They don't like us to be enjoying ourselves so much as to be putting on big events! I've grey rocked their very muted responses, including an apparent need for one of them to ' check my diary once I'm back from my holiday' and then let me know, warning that it would be 'a busy time' for him. He hasn't let me know and he's had 8 month's notice. I know there's nothing in his  flipping diary yet for that date but hey ho let them have their moment and then they can feel our total indifference! 😊


Meanwhile, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! It's your and your partners day! Don't let anything play a negative vibe around it!

[walking on broken glass]

Hello!
I am really sorry you feel so down. Please don't blame yourself for feeling that way. It is only normal. You felt that your uncle was your only remaining family connection you would like to have at the wedding, and it hurts that he is not taking a decisive stance. But at the same time, his attitude shows you that he is not to be relied on in the future. You can find someone else to walk you down the aisle (even if he comes he doesn't really deserve the honour) or, better still, why don't you both walk down the aisle together? So much more powerful. The only compromise I would make would be to say to uncle that he can bring a plus one, as long as it is not a family member. Then he really has no reason to feel uncomfortable. If he is still humming and hawing, it's his problem and he does not deserve more attention from you.

About the party: try to remind yourself that you have good friends that care about you and sometimes busy lives get in the way of coming to things. Try to block the negative spiral when you feel it coming. Remind yourself that you are loved, and that one rejection has nothing to do with the other. You can allow yourself to feel sad because you didn't get to see as many people as you had hoped, but at the same time recognize that this is not a reflection on you; it is not a personal slight or judgement, just life. It's hard to believe, but not everyone around us behaves in a selfish, narcissistic way like our PD families. Have faith!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi miffyxo,

I feel for you. I have discovered that rejection is a big emotion, and one that not everyone feels in the same way. I second everything Call me Cordelia wrote too.

This article explains:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-novel-perspective/202206/why-childhood-rejection-can-leave-lasting-scars

Personally, I don't think the goal is for those of us who are rejection sensitive to try to become like everyone else. They have their own stuff - what would upset them to this degree would be something different.

I think that watching your uncle waffle around about this invite, rather than confirm he will attend your big day, probably makes you aware of the legacy of your parents dysfunction.

This probably isn't the first time that your parent's immaturity and dysfunction ended up causing problems for you in your life. As an adult child of immature parents with narcissism, I have a long list of those times and maybe you do too. It can lead to a feeling of "not this again" when you see something like your uncle not being able to simply feel happy to come and join you on your big day.

Getting married is a great example of a step we take as adults, to carve out our OWN life on our terms - and away from our PD parents and FOO. They can stay in their dysfunction and we can move on, and walk into our own life experiences.

I've been in very similar situations because this is how FOO PD dysfunction works - it is very very hard to include FOGgy people in our happy celebrations when they are still in the FOG. and it sounds like your uncle still has FOG.

It might be a good idea to talk it over with a trauma-informed counsellor. It is very normal to want someone from your family to walk you down the aisle, and if you find a counsellor who has expertise in family estrangement, that counsellor will know that other people have been where you are and can understand what it feels like to have these absences in your life due to estrangement. No one in my FOO celebrated any of the normal life events in my life, and I do know the pain of having all of those holes where there should have been presence and memories.

That said, it is possible to keep establishing your own life, and letting them decide for themselves, if they want to appreciate and celebrate you or if they want to stay in their FOG. Your fiancee sounds kind, and hopefully you can ask him for support as you process the hard emotions you're feeling as you prepare for your wedding.

For many of us with PD parents, emotions like rejection are very common and understandable. Patrick Teahan (many youtube videos online) talks about 'half-safe people' in some of his videos. these can be those relatives of ours who feel safe, who feel like the people we could maybe count on to celebrate us on our big days, but who are 'half-safe'. It would be nice if your uncle could do some thinking and realize he should show up for you on your day, but you can't count on it.

Trees

[Lookin 2 B Free]

 

Also, I don't know your uncle, but I have known people who have skipped out on the weddings of people they truly love for some of the very reasons your uncle gave (social anxiety/phobia, financial & other fears about travel) because they found the prospect of going so terribly uncomfortable. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel disappointed, sad, angry or that what he's doing is right. And for most of us those seem like lame excuses.

I'm just saying maybe his behavior doesn't mean he doesn't really love and feel close to you.  Maybe part of what he's trying to convey with "I really want to come" is that you are, indeed, very special to him.

It's enough to carry the disappointment of "he's waffling on coming" without attaching "because he doesn't value me enough to make the effort."  It can be a really crummy thing he's doing without saying anything about your worth to him.  I had to come to terms with that before my own wedding because the pain of the rejection from close family threatened to ruin the whole occasion. (I'm rejection sensitive, too.)  Luckily I had someone skilled enough to help me and I went on to really enjoy my wedding celebration.   I hope that happens for you, too!

   

[Poison Ivy]