Sharing a few things I have been thinking and trying

[Amna]

Hello Friends,

I wanted to share a few things that I have been thinking about as well as trying as self-help:

I don't feel much anger or hate. I feel sad for myself and also for my family. Because, in a broken family, there are no winners. Everyone loses.

I have realized the value of living the rest of my life in peace, contentment, and gratitude with whatever little I have without relying too much on anyone or anything.

But when I look at my parents and sibling, they don't seem to have any of this - peace, contentment and gratitude. They cling together "as if" there is a strong bond and love between them.

Each is existing in a superficial temporary conditional association with the other that hangs on a fragile balance - you stroke my back i stroke yours. When this dynamic changes, the network will fall apart.

My family is in a constant state of anger, fights, arguments, dissatisfaction - no amount of clinging or money seems to give them peace. Clearly they have a void too otherwise why would they be so bitter

They too have not and are not experiencing genuine love, care, affection, concern, gratitude..... any of these finer sentiments.

I don't believe any parent can be truly happy and at peace knowing things did not work out with one of their child, no matter the reasons.

If they do not have the wisdom, knowledge, insight like those of us on this forum do, then it is even worse for they are going through their entire life without hope of ever experiencing these.

And they don't even know they are doing something wrong or there is something wrong with their approach.

I feel it is better to just sympathize and empathize with them.

While I take utmost care to protect the most important things in my life such as my marriage, my earnings, my close friends.... as for the rest, I am trying to not delve or care too much.

I have started ignoring and feel better despite not being welcome in their home or getting any kind of love, affection, inheritance.... nothing. It is almost like they are outsiders now.

I take it one day at a time and just let time take its natural course. I don't feel vulnerable to their attack anymore and am able to ignore.

I also feel this is all temporary. When parents get really really old and vulnerable and helpless....things are bound to change. It is the good that outlasts the not-so-good. I believe.

[TriedTooHard]

Its very relaxing and calming to read your words, it sounds like you've done a lot of work to get to this place.

When parents get really really old and vulnerable and helpless....things are bound to change.

I agree.  There are many people on this forum that can help you get through this stage, if it ever affects you.  It sounds like a lot of the family resources have been diverted away from you, and you've taken steps to build a stable life for yourself and FOC, apart from your FOO.  Even though you may not have been able to share in any of their financial rewards, you could still be tapped some day as a potential care giver.  Its happening now in my FOO, and this forum has really help me to gracefully defend myself from that. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Amna, your post reflects things I also have thought and still do think. Saying that your FOO does not experience genuine love, care, affection and gratitude is the same way I believe it is with my parents and older sister. I also believe they do not know they are doing something wrong and there is something wrong in their approach. I like the way you refer to finer sentiments. If you are like me, in contrast to your FOO, you do indeed experience all of those things such as daily gratitude for the abundance in your life,  love of a spouse, and so many lucky things that just show up. My life is great. I am happy to see that it seems you are in a very good place too.  I do feel sadness however that my FOO is not in my life anymore. I harbor no hatred or grudges, but they all tell me I am which is a reflection of their limited perspective of me. I shrug it off and it does not hurt me so much anymore.  It seems you have a good life and a healthy emotional outlook which will serve you well.   

[Amna]

Thank you BlueBerryPancakes and TriedTooHard.

I am trying very hard to move from a damage-control mode of living to actually living like the rest of the world out there. Unfortunately, for those of us born into abusive families, we spend our lifetime fighting off these negative elements.

[Roza]

You are correct, trying to assert yourself and taking care of yourself its not good for the people that disrespect and abuse you... here for you, awesome forums.