Kind of wish I didn't . . .

[Adria]

About a week and a half ago, I posted that I sent a letter to a long lost cousin who was always very kind to me.  It was a nice letter referencing how he was somewhat of a hero to me when I was younger, with an explanation of scapegoating and what had happened in my family. 

I've had a lot of anxiety wondering if he would send me any kind of response.  He hasn't.  Now the dreams about family and everything have started again.  I feel foolish and probably should have known the smear campaign was even too powerful for him.  I guess, I just thought that if I reached out to one that was closest to me back in the day, that maybe . . . just maybe . . .

I'm really surprised at how this has rocked me emotionally.  I would never have sent it if I knew how it would make me feel if there was no response.  Thought I was stronger.  I can only imagine the horrible lies told about me by my FOC. They are vicious people who don't stop until people are destroyed. 

I sure would appreciate any thoughts as I feel like I'm drowning in emotion right now.  Thank you.

[Hazy111]

You have my sympathy. I feel that the issues i had with my FOO ,also applied into my extended family too, cousins etc who are all toxically enmeshed too. 

You really dont know what is happening and going on behind your back with differing people. Your cousin may sympathise maybe not, you dont know what they are thinking/feeling. Youve placed a lot on their reaction. You may never get validation from any of your  FOO. That doesnt define you.

I read once in " The  Narcissistic Family" ? about the urge to "return to the well" of the FOO expecting to be nourished, expecting some validation for your pain? You may never get it . Not from your FOO or extnded family sometimes even from friends , who just dont get it. 

I remember trying to explain something to my cousin that was really important to me in relation to my FOO and they weren't really interested in my version of events, for one reason or another. I was wasting my time, they even flatly denied something that i knew and they knew to be a fact.

Thats their choice not yours.

Make  a decision about whos important in your life, it doesnt have to be family connected.

The best thing is to move on and get friends acquaintances that dont remind you of your FOO. Unfortunately we are drawn to people that remind us of our FOO. Bad chemistry , be alert to it!

[Adria]

Hazy,

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom.  I've reread your post a couple of times, and it has set me back on the right path and made me feel much stronger today. 

I guess being empathetic people, we think others will be the same, but not particularly true.  Today, I decided that it was my last ditch effort to make any kind of connection with family.  I will not take the path ever again. And, I will move forward once again.

I appreciate all the points you made. Hugs, Adria

[Hazy111]

Good luck Adria

I wouldnt say im particularly empathetic , but thanks for the compliment.  Going NC goes against our and societies view that our FOO is everything, which is drummed into us from birth.  Unfortunately that isnt always the case.

Dysfunctional families are the norm, not the exception i would say on what ive observed, once you get through the "veneer" that all families present to the world.

[Adria]

Dysfunctional families are the norm, not the exception i would say on what ive observed, once you get through the "veneer" that all families present to the world.

Hmmm. . .Maybe you are right.  I always thought otherwise because I had really neat extended family. We were very close, and I emulated them because they had good rules and boundaries, so I always thought we were just really the odd ones.  Like you say, anyone can put on a show.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think what you did was alright, and I wanted to say to please be kind to yourself about reaching out to your cousin. You have high regard for him and trust, That is OK. I suppose it is difficult to know how he is processing the info, or if at some point in the future he may reach out. If your overarching feelings now are of regret, and you see him in the future and he expresses support, I would think it to have been a lot of needless energy spent now mulling through regret.
If there is no response, or even if a negative one eventually results from him then perhaps have peace knowing that you tried. Treat the clarity that results from it as a gift that helps you know your best path forward. Focus on your resilience and the strengths you possess that will keep you moving toward those things that serve you most.

[Adria]

Wow, Blueberry,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response.  So many great points!  One that I will be printing in case I need it in the future, and I'm sure I will.

I want to let you know that late last night I got the mail, and there was a letter. A beautiful four page handwritten letter. It was kind, a lot about his family, he acknowledged what he saw when we were younger regarding my family, and wrote about many fond memories we shared.  I was so elated I couldn't even sleep.

Your response is so heartfelt, as I have been in a slump ever since I wrote him. I couldn't get past it. So thank you again. What you wrote really resignated.   

I'm hoping (but not too much) that this might open other doors.  At least it's a start after all these years. Hugs, Adria