How can it be?

[Adria]

Lately, because of a failed connection with my cousin, I have taken inventory of why things have transpired in my life the way they have.

My father is an undiagnosed extreme narc, my sister a sociopath, my other sister a borderline, my mother a borderline, my ex-husband a narc, sister-in-law a narc, dh's lying ex-wife, ex-husband's protege, other sister-in-law just seemingly mean and evil to the core.

How can you be surrounded by so many seemingly evil ill-intentioned people? I don't like using the word evil. So strong. Yet, I don't know any other way to say it.

I have always tried to live a good, clean life. No, I'm not perfect or even close, but try like heck to treat people with kindness and respect. Never wanting to hurt someone on purpose, and always trying to make things right if I do hurt anyone. I have gone out of my way to do nice things for these people, like put on wedding showers, baby showers, etc. Yet, I have been horrendously lied about by these people in ways, I still cannot get my head around.

One SIL, said that because my ex-husband and I took her fiancé in (BIL) when he was younger (and he was young), that since my son had blond hair and not dark hair, that he was BIL's child and not my husband's. Sick! Said that all over town.  Who even makes up stuff like that?
My sister told everyone that I had relations with her husband, all the while she was with mine behind my back.

Why do people say things like that when they know full well it wasn't true.  Is it the old thing of turning the tables and saying what they are doing to cover themselves and putting it on the innocent person who would never suspect it?

I don't even want to go into lies my own father and mother have said.  No wonder I don't have any credibility with family.

And, what are the chances that my ex-SIL would move next door to dh's horrible lying ex-wife and then call my sister and dh's sister over for pow wows to keep it all going? They never really knew each other in the first place. My own sister made friends with all these women, to mob them against me because she is a very sick and jealous person. They infiltrated everyplace that was important to me. My kid's schools, my job, my church. You can't make it up.

All my life, I have covered for these people, only to find out they were undoing me one lie at a time until I was so buried, I felt I had to move away from my own town. You can't even defend yourself, these people are so good.

Friends who knew my family, always asked how I came out of it as good as I did. Even, my ex-husband said, "Nobody should be born into that family."

I know a lot of you can relate. We've never done anything to hurt any of these people, and yet here we are. Lately, I just wonder if people like this are more the norm these days than not? How can you have so many awful people surrounding you at one time?  

[athene1399]

My one uPD b/f accused me of cheating when actually he was the one cheating. It's projection. We can't guess why they do it, and probably knowing why doesn't make it any easier. I am sorry this happened. I know I was beyond frustrated with my boy friend when I found out the truth. It is heartbreaking.

With the rest of the lying, I think it's how they get their flying monkeys. It's like they need people on their side. SO's BPD xw is like that. She's said all sorts of bad things about him, so much so he was afraid to talk to some of his friends becasue he was afraid they'd think what she said was true. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. All i know is, usually if you go out defending yourself, you look like the liar. It isn't right that it's like that, but that's how it is IMO. IME it's best to ignore it. You know who is telling the truth and who is lying. Your DH knows as well. I think those who really care about you know the real you too That's all that matters. i know some days that doesn't feel like enough and it doesn't feel fair. What helped me was to accept that I cannot control what others say about me and it is not my responsibility to defend myself against lies. I show people the truth through my actions.

I am sorry you are going through this, Adria. It sounds stressful. 

[PeanutButter]

From my perception you can have all of that (I do too... to many to name) because it has nothing to do with you.
We are ALL damaged. We all develop defences during childhood to survive the wounds. Then we seek mates and procreate (most of us) in our 20's and 30's during which time we are so solidly defended we dont even know our wounds exist. Starting 35ish and on our defences start coming down and expose our wounds. Then... only then we can start healing.
Noticing the differences between ourselves and our fellow humans seems to be a default IME.
What if true peace can come from instead finding similarities between ourselves and others? To notice that we are all in the 'same boat' so to speak. Are we actually more the same than we are different?
I am at a point, that from my protected at a distance position, I am trying to pick out similarities instead of pointing out differences to myself.

[Adria]

Athene,

With the rest of the lying, I think it's how they get their flying monkeys.

Never thought of it that way.  You are right!

What helped me was to accept that I cannot control what others say about me and it is not my responsibility to defend myself against lies. I show people the truth through my actions.

I totally get that, except that because I felt the need to move away from it all, and the fact that I was shunned by my whole family, I don't get to show my truth through actions.  I guess that is what is so frustrating to me. 

I appreciate your thoughts. You make so many good points.  Through these last couple months, I am realizing for sure that it is truly over, and I have to move on.  It's all I can do now.  Hugs, Adria

[Adria]

Peanutbutter,

Are we actually more the same than we are different?

Hmmm . . .  interesting perspective.  Takes the sting out a little bit. Yikes!

Thank you for your thoughts. Much to ponder. Hugs, Adria