choosing not to coparent, is that possible?

[sunflowerdust]

I have a young child with my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a year and a half ago. At the time, it had more to do with my controlling, covert narcissist mom than the relationship between my ex and myself. My ex had agreed not to visit me or our child, since it was causing so much chaos with my mom, whom I still live with (It will be some time before I am able move out, and I still have to tackle a lot of roadblocks she has put in the way).

Since then, I have had a lot of time to think over the relationship with my ex. I do still communicate with him daily via text, but it is mostly just a good morning, good night sort of thing. I did mention to him a few months back that I was hoping to move out, that I did not want to get back in a relationship with him if I did so, but that I would be okay with seeing him occasionally.

Since then I have done a lot of reading and thinking about dysfunctional relationships, because I have been trying to figure out how to deal with my mom. But in the process I have realized how unhealthy my relationship with him was.

Lately, I am reading Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man, and there are things that fit his description, even though I never thought he was dangerous. The book says, though "if he's in here, you need to be concerned about your safety, your future, and your choices". And he is, even though it isn't big, glaring signs of danger.

So, assuming I get through the obstacles with my mom and manage to move out, I'm not sure what to do regarding my ex. If I tell him I move out, then he might see me as more vulnerable, and either try to get back into a relationship or use our child as some kind of leverage.

But I don't know that it is in my rights to not tell him? He doesn't currently have any involvement in our child's life, and wouldn't if I continued living with my parents. I'm not sure what it would mean if I move out?

[athene1399]

When you say "dangerous" do you mean physically abusive or something else? If you fear he may become physically abusive, I would suggest talking with a domestic abuse hotline or shelter for advice just to see what your rights are. Like if you can move without telling him where you are going.

If you just fear he may be manipulative, you can give him the heads up you are moving and not tell him where. Or tell him the county and not specifically where. Either way, I would limit contact with him. Like give him updates now and then about your child, but you don't have to speak to him more than that. I'm not sure legally what is required of you if there is no court order in place. My thinking is (and I don't know if it is correct) is that you have to at least tell him you are moving since it affects his child. I don't know how specific you have to be in telling him exactly where you are moving to. But maybe you don't have to say anything if there is no custody order. Maybe check with a lawyer to be sure.

[sunflowerdust]

When you say "dangerous" do you mean physically abusive or something else? If you fear he may become physically abusive, I would suggest talking with a domestic abuse hotline or shelter for advice just to see what your rights are. Like if you can move without telling him where you are going.

If you just fear he may be manipulative, you can give him the heads up you are moving and not tell him where. Or tell him the county and not specifically where. Either way, I would limit contact with him. Like give him updates now and then about your child, but you don't have to speak to him more than that. I'm not sure legally what is required of you if there is no court order in place. My thinking is (and I don't know if it is correct) is that you have to at least tell him you are moving since it affects his child. I don't know how specific you have to be in telling him exactly where you are moving to. But maybe you don't have to say anything if there is no custody order. Maybe check with a lawyer to be sure.

Thank you for the insight; I really wasn’t even sure where to start looking for information. This helps, thank you.

As for “dangerous”, I’m not quite sure yet. He has had potential red flags like punching doors, but also things like going into the other room and hitting himself (I’m not sure if that is a red flag as well). He never hit me or was violent toward me, but it seems that these things are potential indicators of future potential violence?

There are some other things I’m unsure about; I don’t think these are red flags, just misunderstandings. When our child was a few weeks old, my ex had been holding the baby, and he just started spinning in circles. It wasn’t super fast but I felt uncomfortable with him doing that. He also seemed pretty insistent on keeping the possibility of spanking as discipline.

[Penny Lane]

I really strongly suggest talking to your lawyer.

The sad truth is that a lot of things that people do to get their children away from a dangerous parent, is actually looked at by the courts as a sign of alienation. In other words, if you too aggressively try to keep your child away from their parent, you could be punished in the form of the court ordering the other parent more parenting time. You really should know your options and responsibilities, legally.

I'm NOT saying that you should have to see your ex regularly or that you can't be a primary/custodial parent. I just think you really, really want to know your options BEFORE you do something that could damage your case later if you go to court.

Sometimes lawyers do free consultations or a domestic abuse center might have referrals to people who do pro bono work.

I'm sorry that you're in such a scary precarious situation and I really hope you can find a good way out for yourself and your child.