Asks probing and overly personal questions, even to acquaintances.

[Stillirise]

This is similar to other discussions here, about interrogations of us, and the need to know what we say to others.  However, my uPDh also sometimes asks probing questions to, or about others.  Often, it is evident folks are put off or uncomfortable by his questions, but since they aren’t a PD individual, find a way to tactfully reply.  I used to try and buffer him, or smooth over his prying questions, mostly due to my own embarrassment.  I don’t bother anymore. I just walk away when I hear that train coming.

Examples include asking someone the price they bought or sold their home for, or how much they make.  Also, asking very personal questions to acquaintances about a new relationship, or a new job. I should point out, these instances don’t include when someone is bouncing ideas around, or soliciting opinions or advice.  He has occasionally been called out on this behavior by others.  So now, sometimes, instead of asking the questions directly, he will want to speculate with me about other people’s lives, in case I know something he doesn’t.   When I try to explain some people find this type of personal intrusion uncomfortable, or that I really don’t care to discuss other people’s personal lives or finances, he acts like I’m purposefully trying to contradict him.

On the flip side, he keeps his personal details top secret, unless it is in an attempt to impress someone.  I used to think he was just a bit socially awkward.  Now, I assume this is all part of the PD way of comparing himself to others, and of gleaning as many personal details about others as possible, in the event that he can use it someday. It also seems to support the fact that he doesn’t understand boundaries in general, not just mine.

Is this a typical PD behavior, or is my H just socially awkward?

[HeadAboveWater]

This is similar to other discussions here, about interrogations of us, and the need to know what we say to others.  However, my uPDh also sometimes asks probing questions to, or about others.  Often, it is evident folks are put off or uncomfortable by his questions, but since they aren't a PD individual, find a way to tactfully reply.  I used to try and buffer him, or smooth over his prying questions, mostly due to my own embarrassment.  I don't bother anymore. I just walk away when I hear that train coming.

Perfect strategy! It sounds like he's been given feedback, both indirectly and directly, but he has an insatiable curiosity. Your refusal to engage is textbook; it shows that you are not participating in the interrogation, and you may also be giving the poor "victims" a visual signal that it is acceptable for them to disengage too. (So often we just can succumb to social pressure and answer questions we'd prefer not to address.)

A lack of boundary awareness is part of PD. These fora are full of stories of the different manifestations of the way that PD individuals will zoom right past typical social boundaries, even with strangers and acquaintances. In a way it's a bit sad, because it does make interpersonal interaction very awkward. There's very little hope for people who behave this way to develop supportive friendships or good relationships with work colleagues because even their "friendly" behavior can be alienating. While I try to remember it is not my responsibility to fix this condition for anyone else, I do also attempt to maintain empathy. Something in that person's development made it hard for him to relate typically to others, and he probably struggles internally with it, even if I don't see outward signs of that struggle.

[countrygirl]

Hi StillIrise,

Oh, how I hate it when asked questions about financial information which is personal.  I encountered this just yesterday from someone who lacks boundaries.  I didn't answer.

As HeadAboveWater said, lack of boundaries is a characteristic of PDs.  I found what H.A.W. said about your refusal to engage very insightful:  That is shows the "victim" that it's okay for them to disengage too.  And I liked it that H.A.W. counseled compassion.

I agree that so often we succumb to social pressure when asked uncomfortable questions.  I now live in a city where everyone talks openly about what they pay for things, and I am treated as being withholding when I refuse to answer questions.  Your H would be in the norm here.  That is an aside, I realize, but your post got me thinking.  And of course there are still social norms here, if not that particular one.  My PD friend constantly embarrassed me by asking people personal questions.  I think walking away is a great response.   

 

[StayWithMe]

It does not seem as if your husband is clueless.  He's not getting the answers that he seeks and so he adjusts his behavior either by asking you --so that you can do the heavy lifting-- or by attempting with more indirect questions.

Do you feel as if you have lost some friends / social opportunities as a result of your husband's behavior?

[Stillirise]

Thanks, everyone.  HeadAboveWater, I like your insight.  I'm probably being more helpful to the "victim" by walking away than by my previous attempts to JADE on uPDh's behalf.  I think I have probably been beyond empathetic in the past, to the point of thinking my spouse=my problem, in these situations.  I've noticed on this and other areas, he doesn't seem to notice the cues when someone is modeling a "more acceptable" behavior in front of him.  Even as I come Out of the FOG, it still saddens me, that there's no rational reason for the way things are, and that I must radically accept them.

StayWithMe, yes I have definitely lost friends and social opportunities, but not over this issue alone.  I'll try to attach a link to my post about that from another thread.

.https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=81403.msg705111#msg705111

[Stillirise]

Oh my, how much one notices when they are MC'ing through life.  I mentioned in my opening post that occasionally uPDh divulges his own details when he is trying to impress someone...Tonight we went as a family to a school function.  An acquaintance of mine stopped to talk, and introduced all of us to her husband.  Casual chit chat ensued.  I overheard uPDh ask the other man what he does for a living, and a couple other questions that were probing but not overly invasive.  I'm half listening while moving my convo along. Next I hear uPDh talking about the big job he has coming up, and referred to it by $ amount (a sizable number)...to a man that was a complete stranger 2 minutes ago, in a room full of people.  I could tell the man was being polite, but ready to leave, so I wrapped up with the wife, and they quickly left.   (I couldn't walk away this time—I was seated and they were blocking my exit!)

As someone else pointed out, in some places that type of disclosure might seem totally normal.  Where we are, this seems boastful, tacky, and maybe even a little strange.  I pretended it didn't happen, but have been thinking about it since.  Now that I don't automatically chalk something like this up to poor social skills, it almost seems even more pathetic. Since I'm not biting, I guess he's fishing for supply however he can.