Commenting on women's bodies and womanizing

[Stillnothealed]

Hi,

I'm getting through the book "Out of the FOG" and its been really eye opening. I plan on writing a review here when i am done.... One thing the author comments on is how a nex partner would comment on women's bodies and I noticed that was a common thread between nexes as well....

They each had to make it a point to tell me when they found another woman attractive. Telling me when a classmate was 'hot' as he completed his masters and we were only in a situationship. Another pursued women over a decade younger than him after telling me he wanted me to give him a chance and that he really cared about me. He also commented on and leered at women when we were out. He would say things like 'she has a nice butt' while staring at her.

Another told me he just liked women and would sleep with as many as possible if he could. He would tell me which girls at his gym he was attracted to. But not before telling me he felt a deep connection with me and that he fell for me.

They were all uncomfortable conversations and i had nothing to say. I was just left feeling insecure, gross, and embarrassed because I didn't want to comment on their bodies or hear about how my partner was leering at women. Especially not after he gave me this grand explanation about how our 'bond' was 'different'.

They all ended up leaving me in the end. Usually for someone younger.

I'm still trying to make sense of what I went through and my own needs and boundaries. I think its sufficient to say I don't want to hear about my future partner's attraction to other women. I understand that we are all human and we can't turn that side off of us.... but I'd like the respect from my partner to not leer and comment in front of me.   

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it and what kind of boundaries do you have regarding your partner and expressing attraction to other people?

[escapingman]

My uNPDstbxw used to do this all the time, she kept telling me about all these fit blokes at the gym. Commenting about anyone on TV that she thought was good looking. I paid zero attention so she stopped reasonable quick every time she got started. It's all about making us insecure and to hurt us. I can imagine what would have happened if I got back from the gym and in detail explained how hot this new girl at the gym was......

[Jolie40]

husband & I went to a small concert @ library few years back

I thought one of the men playing an instrument was attractive
since I usually tell husband everything, I told him "I think he's cute"
husband then teased me mercilessly for days until I had to tell him to please stop!

[Cascade]

My experience is related but a little different. My husband tells me about attractive women that he has seen when they aren't dressed very modestly, and about women that are flirting with him. It took me years to come to the conclusion that a lot of these stories were completely made up. He still does it a little bit but much less often since I don't react like I used to.

[Pepin]

I haven't specifically caught my husband doing this....but I've seen texts from his "friends" that do this.  This one guy (65, divorced) talks nonstop about boobs, young women and hoping to score.  Yeah.  It's childish.  I am worried about this man being around my husband and why my husband considers him a friend.  My husband is in his mid 50s and this guy has been a part of DH's life for over 20 years!   . Started out as work colleagues and here we are.....not allowed in my house though.  Never again.  Or near my adult children.   

[countrygirl]

Hi Stillnothealed,

I am sorry that you were subjected to this disrespect by these men.   It's great that you will not tolerate this  from future partners.  Ask yourself why men would feel the need to let their girlfriend know that they found other women attractive.  I think it is insecurity, and their words are meant to convey that they could have any woman they wanted.   

Of course it its also deeply wrong when a woman does the same thing to a man.  In both cases, people are being objectified, and partners are being disrespected.     

[Stillnothealed]

Hi,

Thank you for the response, that was very validating.

I think they did it in a way to 'neg' me or make me feel less than... and I think you're correct... it's insecurity. Regardless of their reason, it makes me uncomfortable and I'm not interested in being with someone that comments on other peoples bodies.


I took a break for a couple of months from here to focus on my physical and emotional health just to end up in a weird triggered emotional funk. But I just saw these responses and im grateful.

Hi Stillnothealed,

I am sorry that you were subjected to this disrespect by these men.   It's great that you will not tolerate this  from future partners.  Ask yourself why men would feel the need to let their girlfriend know that they found other women attractive.  I think it is insecurity, and their words are meant to convey that they could have any woman they wanted.   

Of course it its also deeply wrong when a woman does the same thing to a man.  In both cases, people are being objectified, and partners are being disrespected.