I have chosen to stay in this marriage for personal reasons. Instead of expecting him to change and getting hurt by his constant abuse and games, I recently chose to emotionally detach and it has been life saving. When you don't care, you don't get hurt. And medium chill and gray rock have really helped in this.
However, he has definitely noticed the change and has accused me of being cold and withdrawn and not putting in effort etc. He wants the loving, doting housewife that happily tends to his every need even after all the abuse and pain he causes. Apparently I am supposed to just pretend it never happened and shower him with love.
So my new strategy I am contemplating is faking it. Telling him I love him, showing affection, tolerating date night and agreeing with whatever he says to diffuse arguments. Providing I can still go forth with my own life and remain independent, I am happy to basically just tick the boxes to keep him sweet but knowing deep down how I truly feel. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep this up, but I just wondered if any others fake elements of their marriage for their own benefit?
If I don't do what he wants, he has nasty fits. This includes these relational items. Sometimes I just feel like a tool he uses, or some sort of servant. I have to do it with good cheer and upbeat attitude, too.
I'm going to see a counselor about this, because I don't know. This seems....not good to me. Or maybe not good FOR me.
I do love, I don't mind saying that, but I don't care to just be bopped around at his whim of let's do this or that, date night, TV together, what have you, with no real input allowed on my part.
I am struggling with this too, very much. I have realized that my feelings just don't penetrate through the pain he is in, no matter how much I try to explain. But cutting myself off from my own feelings too much makes me depressed. I don't know what to do.
Meanwhile, our couples counselor wants me to get more in touch with my own feelings, even if I don't act on them. I am not sure it's a good idea, but I trust her. I really want the marriage to last until our youngest finishes middle school.
Yes, I faked affection but only after I was Out of the FOG enough to know my situation was a lost cause. I faked things to keep him calm while I got my ducks in a row in preparation for ending the relationship.
You are not alone. Living with a needy PD can be emotionally exhausting. Be kind to yourself.
((( hug )))
Yes I do this too.
While I understand the need to keep the peace, is this good for you personally and for your relationship? To do this constantly can be rather exhausting and having to be on guard for every word and every action in which you interact. It can become so much of a habit, that you might not be able to break away from it in order to return to your true self.
I live with my PDw, but my T suggested a concept that I try to practice when she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. I let her speak her mind, and when she is not looking, I just put my hand up as an "emotional shield" to protect myself from her negativity. Depending upon how severe her abuse is, this will determine whether I can handle it or not. It is only afterward that I feel the intensity of her remarks which can spoil at least part of my day until I do something that I enjoy.
Whatever we nonPDs practice to safeguard ourselves and to try to keep our relationships, it is darn exhausting, to say the least!
Yes, I do this a lot. it is so much more peaceful if I do. But it comes at a price. I lose myself more and more and more when I do this. The resentment and the anger builds inside of me and I also get depressed because I'm living a life that isn't truly me. I start to hate myself. But the alternative is being open and honest and then the fights and nights of hysteria and me having to leave in the middle of the night follow.... and sometimes I'm just so damn tired that I feel like it is so so much easier to tick all of the boxes, put on the happy (not too happy tho! that may arouse suspicion..) face and fake fake fake it so I can at last make it to bedtime and just sleep. Some days bedtime is the best part of my day... when he finally finally falls asleep and I can just lay there and take a long, deep breath and relax. It's kind of crazy living life this way isn't it???
Yes. I made the decision to do so nearly ten years ago. It's been successfully in that I have far fewer "incidents" to deal with but it has come at a cost to me. I am deeply unhappy. I used to be happy and hopeful that things would get better and that is just gone.
I had a goal to get my kids through college and launched. I met that goal two years ago but also had to face the facts that thirty years of near-zero employment made me unable to get a job with health benefits and a living wage so I decided to ride it out to retirement. I have a checklist and when that's met I plan on going. And that is why people divorce after"40 happy years."
He told a counselor years ago that I was REQUIRED to love him. He was not required to love me. He did begin to improve his behavior and appeared to take responsibility for his actions but ultimately that entitled attitude, that truly defines a narcissist, continues.
I too have a hand motion I hide from my uNPDh but it's not a shield and it's not healthy. I developed suicidal ideation (I wanted to escape) and really needed to see a counselor but believed that no one would help me unless I left him so I had to struggle though alone. I've since discovered that I was wrong to not go to therapy. I recommend that, if you're not already doing so you find a good therapist and begin working out strategies for the future whether you stay or go. Good luck. Please don't end up endlessly treating water like me.
I am with Fae here, yes, I found it was possible to fake it for a long time and it came at a price. I had times when I felt like a servant or a slave, I did what was expected of me, no matter how I felt inside. There were times when I did not feel myself at all. Medium chill and grey rock kept my home calm and peaceful most of the time and I avoided him as much as possible. There are many reasons why we need to stick it out. Not sure what I would have done without my therapist, though. Maybe drunk myself into oblivion.
Yep. I do this. EXACTLY this. To keep my NPD happy and in a better mood, I go out of my way for him. He is soooo needy and if he doesn't get what he wants, he makes life miserable for me. So...I stay affectionate, go along with things he wants to do together, try to do little things for him that I know he likes. This keeps him treating me well most days. I still keep my medium chill going- never giving too many details about my day. However, I will tell you this....there is only so much of this I can stomach. Sometimes I just can't fake it and during intimate moments in the bedroom is the hardest. Sometimes he feels it and sometimes I can cover it up or make excuses as to why I'm withdrawn or standoffish but there are times when getting intimate with him is just physically hard. It's like sleeping with the enemy. I can be nice to him until I'm blue in the face-but bedroom stuff is hard. Otherwise, It's like I'm an actress in a starring role..haha. But as soon as he looks away, my eyes are rolling and I'm cringing. It's not easy but it can be done. Is it worth it? Sometimes I think so and other times I'm like..what the hell am I wasting my life doing? The struggle is real.
Maymay like an actress! Yes!! I had that very *thought* the other day, winding myself up for intimate activity, "Ok Spark, put on your best face, get in your role, the show is on! You can do this!"
Like you said, very needy and will make my life miserable if he doesn't get what he wants, so I have to put on my very best, especially in this area. This stuff is very....routine with him. He likes and does the exact same things over and over, so it's VERY much like memorizing my role.
If he's abusive and manipulative and there is little or nothing else going on, I think you should leave, as difficult as that may be. You'll wither inside if you don't have a spouse you can truly communicate with. I wish the best for you.
Oh wow. Guys. There are so many of you in this boat.
Unless this is a short-term gig to keep you safe on the way out the door, I think this can only end in disaster. I am about to lay down some straight talk. If you are not in a good place for that, please do not read further. Peace and goodness to you.
+++++++++
You are worth your own respect. Even if it means you live in your best friend's basement or some neighborhood you never imagined. No matter what it means for the rest of your life, giving into this is a slow and withering emotional death. Do not do this. There is epic beauty in the world and it is here for you to relish but you are missing it by not taking care of yourself. This is your one shot, your one life. Drag yourself out by any means possible before you make yourself a husk of a human for some person who is hurting you.
Think about your abuser with compassion if you need to. I get that. I did. Then know that you are not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting them. Your actions treat them as if they are not worthy of the expectation that they behave as an adult. That THEY seek the help and care they need for THEIR illness. You are actively making it harder for them to get what they most need - which is to discover that the only source of peace and comfort comes from inside.
You need to learn this to. And you can. There is amazing therapy out there that can teach you skills you need to self-regulate. You do not need this person or anyone else for the very basic task of being enough. You can learn to feel enough on your own. And this act will revolutionize your relationships with other people. You will have connection in such great abundance once you learn this thing you need.
But you cannot get there if you sit in this muck. This is total denial of self. Do not do it.
Ark... I hear what you're saying. Then I read posts about people divorcing....years....10s of thousands of dollars...and still being manipulated by the pwpd. It sounds like getting free is not always that simple.
Yes, I can relate to so many of your comments in this thread. It's not like my feelings are always fake but there are definitely times I feel like I'm playing a role. It's not a good feeling because I want to be an authentic person.
11 that is a very big concern of mine. I may make an exit plan later, but for the now, I am here. There are too many tools to use against me.
My feelings are not always fake, either. I do have genuine ones. Sometimes I need to get into a role, though, to keep up the flow. I'm not always in the same place or the same mood as him, or don't feel like jollying him along. He's incapable (it seems) of jollying himself along, so it's down to me IF I want to keep the peace.
Hi 11 and Spark -
You make valid points. I do not mean to make it sound simple. I am many, many 10s of thousands down the drain in legal fees and my ex does his level best to reach through the children into my home to create chaos - including false allegations of child abuse against me and my fiancé, which took incredible resources to defend.
So, I know what both kinds of pain look like - the pain inside the abusive relationship and the pain of clawing your way out and then trying to right the ship. It is profoundly better on this side. Yes, the kids' college funds went to lawyers. If I had stayed married, I can think of 18 ways that money would have been diverted and wasted someplace else. Half my retirement savings when to a man who never really worked (despite two professional degrees) and who is currently suing me for more child support. BUT - for the last 3.5 year, every penny of my contribution to my 401k has finally been 100% mine. But far outside of the practical issues, there is the fact that I have space to breath, to strive, to grow. I am so much more than I was. You each have human potential and the energy you might put into blossoming is being sucked away. I have space for that right now. I use that space to be a better parent, partner, employee, person with a dedicated hobby.
It was worth the pain. I was not sure it would be, when I was back in the muck. So, I guess I just want to tell people that a beautiful, abundant life is possible.
I totally relate. I have cut myself off from my feelings with DH. It hurts less. And there are times that I totally fake being affectionate. But I don't think it is for him, but for me to feel like I have a relationship because I get lonely. But really, I have built a thick wall around my heart. In the last few days though, I am less numb and more angry. I don't know what I will feel next.
I am so sorry. <3 I hope that you find a way that supports and protects your heart, without making you feel emotionally violated. <3
This is where I am right now. Doing the "poor baby" when he rants about his day, his life, how no one can meet his expectations. I cook and clean and homeschool our child and do everything else asked of me without pushback.
There's just one problem. There is one thing that gives my emotions away every time and that is our sex life. When I feel betrayed, hurt, exposed, and vulnerable, I can not be intimate with him. Call it my last shred of self-respect. Call it a defense mechanism from abuse in previous relationships. Whatever it is, it gives me away, and he accuses me of faking it.
Our son is autistic and can't go to public school. I have a degree but have been out of the workforce for 20 years. How would I keep my son and I alive if I left? I think in some way, he knows this. I'm trapped.
Too Literal -
This is a very tough spot. I think it is worth it to talk to a lawyer and find out what the numbers would really look like. Make it concrete. I just had a friend of mine do the same and she was really much more hopeful once she got a sense of how much money she might realistically expect. Or, you find out that it is as bad as you think and you get to analyze it from a place of knowledge, instead of conjecture.
Good luck.
I think I fake or try to act like I love my PDh . And I have said sorry when I wasn't to keep peace and avoid the abuse. In turn I feel like I'm in a blackhole and have lost part of me. I have been trying to detach and focus on me and accepting that Im not gonna be able to have the life I want or relationship I want right now with this person. It's very hard detaching and when I do I am told I'm pulling away and not working on the marriage. I try to explain that I can only take so much pain, but it's not registered and there is no empathy. I don't think it's good for me to not be true to myself.
Geez guys I really feel for what you are all going through. I have not had sexual relation with PD husband for about going on 4 years, there has been kisses, hand holding, hugging and such but I can not bring myself to being intimate with him like that because of his lack of true intimacy with me in our communication. I have been married for going on 32 years and have been Out of the FOG for almost 4 years. I sleep in a separate bedroom and have decided to make it official sleeping separate from him because frankly I need my sleep and it is the best time to regain my sanity. No young children at home but a 27 year old son still lives at home and sees his PD father act out from time to time which I wish he would move out because he has suffered enough watching his dad suffer through his PD. The thought of a sexual act with my husband makes me ill, I just can't be with someone who is faking his distorted love for me and expecting me to like it. At the moment he knows I am emotionally, physically, spiritually seperated while working on myself which may look like me putting more things into place to help myself eventually move out because he has made it clear to me he will not. This is typical behavior from him because he is terrified to be alone. I made it clear that his emotions are his own and that I will not be carrying them for him anymore via gaslighting, blame game, pity party, generally just coming unglued. I do not like the fact that he tries to manipulate me into being a prisioner in what was supposed to be our marital home where we both should be safe, I know he is not my soft place to land and I am building myself up day by day to be that for myself. I would suggest if your marriage is young or in my case an older one that you not forget the pain they put us through and also know that when they age they don't change. My husband is 60 and he has gotten better but the incidences still happen and I heard they get worse with age. Well I chatted enough just praying for us all that we see the light more and more and never give up on ourselves having a better life. :bighug:
I've been watching this thread, not sure if I was ready to respond. I did exactly this for many years. The trying to appease, pretending things were great, doing all the things a loving wife does, putting on the sunny face, all while telling myself that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to make me happy. Happiness comes from within, was (and still is) one of my mantras.
Thanks in part to this forum, I finally realized trying to pretend I was happy, while my soul was actually being suffocated, was the exact opposite of the intent of my mantra. Happiness cannot come from within, if you are not being true to yourself. Also, with a PD, they seem unable to tap into this either. So, all that effort that goes into keeping the peace and "making them happy," is futile.
Basically, I can't make both of us happy, no matter what I do, so I might as well work on me. I was recently validated in this by my uPDh, when he said I hadn't ever really tried to make things work, and I've not been grateful enough. :stars:
I'm relatively new here, but have been in these trenches for a couple decades. I've recently found some peace for myself in detachment and MC. I'm following the course from here, and letting the chips fall where they may. He isn't enjoying it, but his happiness is now up to him. I mean, if I couldn't make him happy in 20 years, maybe he should give it a try.
None of this is easy. I'm grateful for the wisdom and the support here, and for the knowledge that I'm not the only person who has been torn down by a PD...and yet, Still I Rise.