Expressing acquiescence to therapy, but only if I set it up, remind him to go...

[TooLiteral]

This is a running theme in our lives. He needs a doc appt? I have to make it. He needs to cancel? I have to do it. Me: "Here's the phone number. You call." Him: "What? You can't take time out of your busy schedule to make a call for me?!"

I mentioned therapy. I go to therapy on my own. Weekly. I told him he should go on his own to work out some of his own issues. He flat out declined. I suggested we go together and he said "If you set it up, I'll go. But I don't believe in that crap. You know that."

This feels yet again like a cop out. He doesn't have any real interest in going. He will probably try to get out of it. Should I even try? I feel like if he wanted to try, he would. Which is awful, because he uses that manipulation on me all the time. "You'd make time for me if you really wanted to. I'm not going to beg you for attention," when all I'm trying to do is read a book or craft or something at the end of the day....

Has anyone had any experience with this? I go to therapy to help ME. To fix ME. Not him and me. I put my whole heart into therapy. I can't see him doing the same.

[11JB68]

Last time I suggested it, uPDh said 'you go, find out what's wrong, tell me, and we'll fix it"

And yeah, I'm basicallyhis Secretary, so....

[eyesopen]

It sounds like you already know the answer.

Since he's said, "I don't believe in that crap. You know that," there's no mystery about where he stands.  By him agreeing to go only if you set it up, he's making zero investment in it.  He'd only be doing it to appease you, not to actually do the work.

Imagining how this plays out if you actually both go to therapy together for a few sessions... (this is my own imagination, so it may not necessarily turn out this way):  (1) he'll continue to believe it's crap and not take it seriously, (2) because he's not taking it seriously, he'll do nothing to actually listen or reflect on his own behavior, (3) because he won't reflect on his own behavior, he'll probably feel attacked or blamed, get defensive, then refuse to continue, (4) when he refuses to continue, he'll blame you for making things worse and insist he was right about therapy from the beginning with a huge "I told you so" argument, (5) you end up back where you started, only worse because he's even more empowered by his first hand experience that therapy doesn't work.

For it to have a chance at success, he needs to be invested in it, meaning he's open and says something like, "things aren't working well between us, I don't know how to make it better, and I don't want to lose you.  Let's get some help together."  But as long as his attitude is, "I don't believe in that crap," then there's no point in forcing it.

[Stillirise]

EyesOpen has a pretty good example of what happened in my case. Tried 3 therapists, with me doing most of the logistics. The excuse for the first was that guy was against uPDh from the start, since I'd seen him before on my own.  The next one, "fresh meat," had some good hints, and he seemed genuinely trying to help us work on communication. However, uPDh was only focused between sessions on pointing out what the guy said I was supposed work on. That ended when it got too close for comfort because the therapist called him out on trying to control my feelings—immediately deemed a waste of time. Lastly, we saw the same person separately, and together a few times. uPDh quit going, then tried to gaslight, saying I was the one who quit, because she said something I didn't like.  Little does he know, I've seen her several times since he stopped going.  She has never used the PD label, but has called him a classic King Baby, an AA term that correlates heavily with narcissistic behaviors. (He has a drinking problem, also.)

So, I hate to be discouraging, but I wouldn't expect a major breakthrough. I was hopeful for the first 2.  By the last one, I was only going for me anyway.