SG kid and PD parent

[capybara]

I separated from BPDH a couple of months ago. Over the years, I would say our middle kid has been BPDH's SG, although their relationship has improved in the last couple of years. The kid is now a young teen.

In anger, the kid demanded to move in with BPDH, then dropped it after the moment passed. I am so worried, though. Their relationship is kind of volatile and I think living together full-time would be bad for the kid. I also think the kid can be a bit manipulative and definitely pushes my buttons when angry.

How have other parents handled this kind of thing?

[Free2Bme]

hi capy

I would encourage some dialogue with your child at a calm moment, and ask " the other day you mentioned you would consider living with you dad.  Can you tell me more about that idea?"  Do a lot of listening.  Try to find out if it was just frustration in the moment with something, ie., school, friends, boredom, loneliness, etc.  If so, you can problem solve those issues that might be at the source.  If child seem serious, I would whiteboard (literally) the pro's and con's of that kind of living with dad in order to get a picture of how life might be if he/she made that change. 

Maybe your child needs to express some serious feeling about something deeper.  I would listen in a way that makes it safe for him/her to express thoughts, ideas, feelings without the parental freak out response.  (regretfully, I have shut my kids down with this before). 

My DD14 has 'monthly' mood swings and we butt heads over small stuff during that week.  On two occasions, she has said in a moment of high emotion, "you're a mean mom, I might as well go live with my dad", que the slamming door.  I don't believe she truly wants this, but it serves a purpose for her in the moment;  say the thing she knows will push moms buttons and exert her autonomy.  Internally, it frightens me (she knows this)  because I know it would go very badly if she moved with my uPDxh. 

However, my external response has been to call her bluff.  I told her to get the phone and call her dad, that he would happy to pick her up.  (I went through this with her older brother, and it took a toll on me).  I told DD14 that i wouldn't go through it again with her.

That said, this is my child and everyone has a different dynamic, you know your child best and what approach to take.

Just let them know you are in their corner and want to help make 'it' better, whatever 'it' is.  Use this as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

[Penny Lane]

I know that there are so many layers of issues when you're dealing with a PD. But what if you treated this as any other teenage defiance?

By that I mean, don't show any emotional reaction. Say something neutral but loving, like, "I love you very much and I hope you know you always have a home with me."

Do you think that would resolve it? What if you tried it? Whether or not this is the beginning of some PD manipulation, it might take the steam out of the teenage anger.

[Rose1]

I did call oldest daughter's bluff on this. She instantly backed down. I discussed the concept of don't threaten if you don't mean it because you could regret the consequences. We ended up having a good talk about pro's and cons and what her bpdf might be expecting (she thought possibly a house maid and I agreed). And discussed whether that would benefit her or not with school work, social life etc.

For her it was just a 14 year old spat but she needed to understand that decisions and threats have consequences.

She knew quite well who was paying for her upbringing and who was supporting her and who wasn't. She also knew the company her f was keeping was undesirable. She now says that if she had gone to live with her father it's possible she would have ended up on drugs and in quite a different world and not a good one.

[sevenyears]

Capybara - This is soooo hard. In my case, my DS4 says that sometimes because he's letting out emotions and/or angry at me about something. The first time he said that not long after our separation, I asked him if he wanted to call his papa and gave him my phone, which he promptly threw across the room while yelling no. So, it was clear his intention wasn't to go to his father or leave me, but to provoke me or let off steam and anger in the only way he knew how. Or, he's hurting and wants me to feel his hurt too. Now he sometimes says that he wants to live with his papa because he gets special treats there. Now I tell him that I understand why he wants to go, and that I would miss him a lot if he lived mostly with his papa, and that I believe he would miss me too.  When my DD7 says that (usually combined with an I hate you), it's more complex because I'm her foster/adoptive mother. I know that she's transferring her anger about her biological family onto me because I'm the  person standing in front of her, and because she feels safe with me. I can't help but wonder if she's transferring anger at her foster/adoptive father (my exH uocpd) to me too. She has a defiant/provocative streak in her. When my X and I were still together, it would set him off immediately. I doubt that has changed. With both my children, I reenforce the fact that they are with me until the transfer. Of course, when they are young, that is easier than with an older child.

Like Penny Lane advised, I've also found that not taking these things personally (think medium chill), and reacting with as much compassion as possible (very HARD!) helps deescalate and then I ask why she/he is so angry and what we can do to make things better. I think with older children, you can also talk about what it would be like to move in with the other parent, and help them manage their expectations and find some creative problem solving. Of course, when your child is angry with you and projecting, that's not a good time for such a conversation. And, I don't know if all that helps offset manipulation by the other parent.

Of course, the others here have given good advise too. It really depends on your child, your relationship and all the circumstances.

I hope your middle kid can find effective ways to express his anger.