She showed up yesterday unannounced

[SnugglyHedgehog]

Hi everyone,
I haven't been in here for a while. It's actually nearly been a year since I posted. I had to try and focus on me and not her for once in my life.

But today I feel like I'm drowning and I came back hoping for some support.
My uPDm turned up at the door unannounced yesterday. Despite being asked not to. After a year and a half of no contact.
She still tried to defend herself and justify it. She still claimed to only ever be supportive and not hurtful. She still passed the blame back on to me. She still completely missed the point and latched on to other things I said.
She said me not letting her see my daughter is my punishment for her.
She said it was MY CHOICE to be completely isolated from the whole family. I told her the only person I didn't want to talk to was her. She recoiled like I slapped her.
After all this time she still can't see it.
I stayed strong. I stayed calm. I said my bit. I didn't bite. I didn't say anything I didn't need to. I didn't back down. I kept my automatic instinct to be polite and submissive tucked away.
I was a mess for the rest of the day. But she doesn't need to know that.
All she has done is cement my position.
She didn't say anything I didn't already know but sometimes it still feels like a punch coming from someone else's mouth.
Now I need to try and protect myself and rebuild again.
Any reassurance would be very much appreciated right now.
Thinking of those of you also struggling at this time of year.
SH

[JingleBells]

Hi Snugglyhedgehog

Sorry to hear this. Christmas is such an emotive time "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"  can be the worst time of the year for people in relationship struggles. Go with your gut instinct. If its screaming NO listen to it.

I wish you peace and happiness and a Merry Christmas xx

[Psuedonym]

You're a badass, SnugglyHedgehog!

I too haven't talked to uBPD/N m (aka Negatron) in over a year and the mere thought of her showing up at my house makes me ill. You really nailed this ambush. Very impressive. If you are feeling foggy at all, try to imagine if someone had estranged themselves from you for a year and a half. Would you:

a) try to mend the relationship by reaching out to the estranged by email, mail, or phone first and telling that person how important they are to you, that you're sorry for whatever harm you might have caused them to lead them to take this drastic action, promise to listen to them, and change whatever needs to be changed in order to resume the relationship?

or

b) show up the estranged's house unannounced with the intention of telling them you are still right about absolutely everything and they are still wrong about everything. The week before Christmas.

That is not an attempt at any sort of reconciliation. It's an a) drive by $#%@ you, b) an attempt to bully and intimidate you back into line, and c) an attempt to lay a guilt trip on you and hopefully ruin your holiday.

I really feel for you because my situation is so similar. My bf has been in contact with Negatron throughout the year to help her with minor logistical stuff. He has probably had dozens of repetitions of the same conversation which goes something like this:

Negatron: Pseudonym is  mentally unstable, has always been 'wrong', is a bitch (I actually don't know if she's said that one to him but she has to my relatives,  a liar, selfish, ungrateful, childish, etc., and that she was THE GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!!!

BF: Look, this is entirely on you. If you want to have any type of relationship with your daughter then you need to a) acknowledge your past behavior and b) get help. It's that simple. Apologizing would not hurt either. If I had only one child in the world I would be doing whatever it took to repair the relationship.

Negatron: I'M NOT GOING TO LIE!! I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE I DID NOTHING WRONG! (then loops back to first statement).

Point is, it is utterly futile to try to get through to these people and the best thing you can do for yourself is to refuse to be bullied by them anymore. I spoke to an expert on PDs about the situation and he said: for a PD person to actually admit who they are is the equivalent of utter despair. They will do anything, ANYTHING, rather than admit the truth. It's no contest for them between destroying every relationship they have vs. admitting the truth.

And because I can never leave without posting a link, here's an excellent link! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuagDwC_-CE

Hang in there. We'll get through this together!

[blacksheep7]

Hi Snugglyhedgehog,

Sorry that you that to go through that.....how painful making you feel like you're the guilty one....for not seeing your daughter.  They always have an answer for everything.  She hasn't change nor will she.   With Pds we are always at fault.

Like you needed that for the holidays.

Don't answer to any which way she tries to contact you again, the door, email whatever.

You are not to blame.  Take care of yourself and surround yourself with those you love, who are dear to you. 

[sarandro]

Oh, my goodness...this is my nightmare scenario!
How are you feeling now?

It just shows how much damage is caused by this behaviour of theirs, that we dread contact.
My mother might just make my brother bring her, I don't want to see any of them.

Like you, my FOO blame me for the situation...my choice to stay away and be isolated from the family...NO MUM...away from YOU!
Face to face, I don't think I could do it...
would I not answer the door?
could I allow them to come in?
I really don't want to think about either....can't and won't play the blame/shame game!

I have just received 2 cards in the post today (from FOO) and have left them in the car (in the glove box!) to give me time to think.
It's my first Christmas NC and I am feeling weird about the whole thing.

Is this your first Christmas or have you managed to get through this intact...?

Sending you a virtual hug XX
PS let us know how you get on

[Foggymoggy]

I stayed strong. I stayed calm. I said my bit. I didn't bite. I didn't say anything I didn't need to. I didn't back down. I kept my automatic instinct to be polite and submissive tucked away.
I was a mess for the rest of the day. But she doesn't need to know that.
All she has done is cement my position.

SnugglyHedgehog, you handled this brilliantly! Though I hate that she did this to you, I am encouraged by your refusal to play her game even in the context of a sneak attack. I have been NC with my NF for nearly 5 years and he STILL randomly shows up at our door - 4 times this November alone. UGH!! We don't answer when we know it's him. I worry that he'll ambush me in our driveway someday and therefore rehearse what I will say/not say and do/not do. You have given me a little of your strength to face him. Thank you!

Also, I understand the being a mess afterward. I keep hoping that will get easier. Why do we still have such strong emotions for horrible people who always hurt us?

[Jenny134]

Hi, it sounds like you did an amazing job! Ive just had a similar experience but fear i was not nearly as composed.
I will definitely taking a leaf out of your book from today.
I just dont understand why they choose to roll up at Christmas time and spread their unhappiness.
You sound so strong, i understand how hard it is.
Wishing you a lovely Christmas, hope you can put this behind you and have a great time. Xx

[SnugglyHedgehog]

Hi everyone,
Merry Christmas! Try to be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for all of the replies. I'll be honest, I've just not been up to replying but I've come on and read them all.
Weird that today I did feel I could reply but I'll go with it.
I feel like an orphan today and it's hurting my heart a bit. Especially when it's by choice but not by choice at the same time.
I've just been a bit all over the place in general. I didn't actually expect her to show up here at all so I wasn't even slightly prepared on what to do if it did happen. She didn't last Christmas. She didn't on my milestone birthday earlier in the year. Or my daughters last month. So why now?!? Nearly a year and a half into NC.
I will try and reply to you all individually below.
I really hope you've managed to enjoy today.

Jinglebells- This time of year is really hard for me these days. To be honest I feel like an orphan. Trying my best not to think about it. I really hope you have had a lovely day too x

Pseudonym- Thank you for your words, when I came on and read it, it honestly was exactly what I needed to hear. I have been feeling really naive this past week. Why didn't it even cross my mind she could show up?! To say I had my guard down was an understatement. I honestly hadn't prepared myself nor expected it to happen whatsoever. But then I guess that's what they do best. Your right that she again just proved me right in my thoughts and views. The way she spoke to me and what she said just isn't what you would've if you actually cared. I was surprised when you said about your OH being in touch with yours. If mine reached out I don't think he would answer or engage with her whatsoever. I will take a look at the link when I get the chance and thank you for the hug!

blacksheep7- Thank you so much for your kind words. Because I wasn't prepared whatsoever I saw her pull up and my fight or flight response genuinely kicked in. I had about 10 seconds to decide what I was going to do. She already knew I was home though and I didn't want my "fear" as she would look at it to boost her ego further. I will definitely have to have a thin and plan going forward though. I hope you've had a lovely Christmas.

sarandro- I have been feeling really fragile and a bit all over the place. It honestly just blows my mind how someone can be so ignorant. I panicked and had to make an on the spot decision, I didn't even consider her turning up here and what I would do if that did happen. I certainly didn't invite her in but I don't think she expected me to based on where she was standing. Usually at Christmas/Birthdays she comes to the house at some point and posts cards through the door before I realise she has done it, usually when it's dark. It's my second NC Christmas and she didn't actually ring the bell last year. I had cut contact in the July though so I'm pretty sure she would still have been sat waiting for her apology! Thank you for the hug, I'm hanging in there, I hope you are too.

Foggymoggy- Thank you so much. I needed that reassurance to be honest. I was so blindsided I panicked and I just had to wing it, no planned responses, no pep talk. I'm really surprised about your NF turning up so often. This is the first time my NM has in nearly a year and a half. Why now?!? Strong emotions are frustrating, but I think we need to be kind to ourselves. I was programmed to think and act a certain way for 29 years. I can't just turn that off because I don't know any different. The spike in stress, anxiety, depression, upset, feelings in general following it have been quite hard to digest so I can't even imagine going through that 4 times in a month!! Sending a hug and strength.

Jenny134- Thank you so much. How are you doing after your similar experience? It is awful that it happens at this time of year but makes sense at the same time. I hope you've managed to enjoy today x

[windchime]

I admire your ability to handle the situation like you did. I finally decided to go NC with my mom a year ago this past August because she showed up at my job unannounced. She just sat in the lobby waiting for me and crying and being her usual manipulative and pathetic self. I was mortified and can only imagine what my co-workers and boss thought. It wasn't long after that I decided to move out of the area. I got lucky and found a new job in my new area too. It was the best decision I could have made even thought it hasn't been easy. I am so sorry you had to experience that, but you should be very proud of yourself. Just be sure to practice self care and do what you need to take are of you.F

[all4peace]

SH, I applaud you! You were solid, centered and balanced. That shows an incredible amount of work on your part! I hope you will now be very compassionate and tender with yourself and your inner child. This was a really tough situation, and it can take a lot out of a person. Thank you for sharing.