Holiday stress with bossy in-laws

[Lilyloo]

It's that time of year...already upon us.  I could love the holidays if it weren't for my husbands family.  I am married 47 years and every holiday had to be 'their way'. I spent most of those 47 years each Christmas morning having to go to mom-in-laws for breakfast.  She passed away 8 years ago, then his sisters took over. Years of getting my children up and rushing to 'grannies'  What the heck was wrong with me!!!  I am a peace keeper and the stress of trying to get husband to see was not worth it.....

None of them ever took into account that I had family or gave an inch. If I went to my families house first MIL was ticked off!    I finally stopped going for Thanksgiving and do my own meal here at home with my children and grand children. I love it, it's peaceful and not a house full of loud people (his family are the loudest I've heard) 

I still go for Christmas but I dread it!!  It's loud, always hot in her house and just no fun. So why do I do it?? If I didn't I'd be the bad guy.  I'm weak I guess.

Do any of you go through this? I'm sure the answer is yes, but how do you cope?   

His family are so stuck like glue, enmeshed maybe? I grew up totally different, so I never 'got it'

[Lilyloo]

I guess nobody has that type

[bloomie]

Hi LindaLoo - Oh yes I most certainly do get this. The "traditions" that are set in stone and the high handed expectations that go along with it. From food served, how prepared to the who, what, when and how of gift exchanging. I so get going along and trying to be at peace for many years. The difference in our lives is that the expectation is that we will host always and create the perfect holiday experiences for my H's family or "treat" a large group of people to a holiday meal at an expensive restaurant if I am unwilling to cook, clean and serve everyone. Did it for way too long and like you, I have reclaimed much of our holiday gatherings for our FOC.

Our family still hosts my elderly uPDmil for almost every holiday and I handle that using the toolbox... medium chill, staying busy and out of her direct line of sight, and never, ever being caught alone with her.

My bottom line with my own DH became that after years of being put in the position of party planner, chef, and maid for the entire family, being disrespected in my own home, witnessing repeated offensive and intrusive behaviors, open prejudice dishonoring others, the last time was the last time and I no longer welcome the rest of the in laws in my home. Ever.

This was very hard for my own H at the time. The idea that we are responsible to set boundaries around who was allowed in our safe and peaceful home at times of intimate celebration began to take hold in his heart and mind. It is something we have talked a lot about and have come to a place of unity in.

Maybe compromise and go for dessert only or a holiday drink before dinner and get out of there in a short amount of time? Let us know what you decide to do this year.

[Lilyloo]

Hi Bloomie!  Thank You! I was beginning to feel like it was me who is crazy  LOL!

Oh my, you are always expected to host. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. Good that you stopped hosting all of the in-laws. Their disrespect was not acceptable. Cheers to you for taking a stand .  I'm happy to hear that your husband now understands. That is such a relief I know.  It makes the holidays much more peaceful

My hubby will never get it. He was conditioned to go along and it won't change. It's just the dynamic of that family. To me it's sad when a person won't think for themselves.  I'm sure I have become the one they talk about when I don't go. I will go at Christmas, but will count the clock and be grateful to be home.  No Thanksgiving ever again!! I'll be home in my own kitchen cooking a meal I love to cook and having my children and grand girls, making our own memories

Thank you again Bloomie

[Lilyloo]

Bloomie Thank You. It hurts when I need to vent and get hardly any replies. It's how my whole life has been, therefore it makes me feel not worth listening to. This is a stressful time of year. I'll move on....but Bloomie your reply meant so much 

[all4peace]

LindaLoo--I saw this post a couple days ago but wasn't on a device that I could easily make a response with.

I can very much relate. Families do family the way they do family. I think that's pretty typical. Someday my kids might be married, and we'll probably still be doing some variation of life that we've been doing. That's what makes it feel like "home"

What I didn't realize when I got married was that DH and I were then making our own family, and so we felt more FOG about maintaining the status quo for both of our families of origin than we felt the necessity of creating our own family, values, traditions, etc. It took until the recent past before we had so much anxiety and stress around our families that we finally got counseling and started learning how to set boundaries and differentiate from our families of origin.

I don't know that it's anyone else's job to pay attention to our priorities or our boundaries. I think that's entirely our job. I will always want my kids to come home for the holidays, and I very much hope they and their future mates are having good conversations about the boundaries around their time, holidays, privacy, etc.

You refer to "having to" spend all the holidays with your ILs, their way. I very much understand the sense of FOG that goes along with family and holidays. Yet, as adults, we don't "have to" do anything. Sometimes taking back our power is terrifying, and it creates conflict, and maybe even loss of relationship, but at least we're living in our own story. I would encourage you to choose what works for you this year, for your children, your grandchildren. You truly don't "have to" do anything.

In my family, everyone is expected to show up for one specific holiday, every single year, no matter if they're married or not and might want to share that holiday with other people. Everyone brings the same food. Everyone plays the same games. People genuinely enjoy the day (except those who married into the family who may think it is way too loud, too big and too everything). Me and my family won't be there. We stepped out of "having to" behave certain ways in each of our families, and our families responded quite badly. So we will be hosting our friends and our own kids this year. It feels like a big price to me, and yet I would rather work through some sadness and grief and then share the beautiful day with people who share respect and love mutually.

We get to choose. We get to weigh the pros and cons, the costs in both directions, and make a choice. I hope you and your DH are able to choose what works best for you. There are times when what DH wanted was unworkable for me and I stayed home. For other things, we take turns--sometimes he gets his preference, other times I get mine. And other times we vote as a family, and we do what the majority prefers (this is how we've decided the last 2 Thanksgivings).

Good luck to you! This is all hard stuff!

[chowder]

Hi, LindaLoo - you are not alone, and I too am dreading the holidays.   We moved over 1,000 miles away from husband's family, largely because of just that - his family dynamic and SIL in particular.  She is very bossy, dominating, prejudiced, and manipulative, to name a few.  His entire family dynamic accepts that, and probably don't even see it the way I do.  SIL is in charge, no question about it, and they are happy to let her handle everything.  Every holiday we had to go to his family.  (Everyone in my family had passed.)  We'd see them Christmas Eve at MIL.  Then Christmas Day at SIL.  Then DH wanted them at our place for dinner sometime during the week between Christmas and New Year's.  Three times in one week was too much for me to bear, when I knew they did not welcome or like me.   My family was gone and everything was so one-sided.  I tried to start some of our own FOC traditions, but to no avail - DH was quite entrenched with his FOO at the holidays.

We moved for many reasons, but I remember thinking, what little family I have left, we do nothing but argue about them....why am I here....so we moved, and have not had to interact with them at holiday time for many years now (after being married 30-plus) and it's been a breath of fresh air.

This year we are heading back to that area again to visit DH's son and DIL.  DH has already mentioned going to SIL for a visit, which I do not want to do.  If I tell him to go alone, he gets very upset.  It would also mean at least a two-hour drive each way under ideal conditions, not to mention traffic or weather.  (Pray for snow?  lol)

Yes, they are extremely loud, though I could put up with that for one night.  It's all the other water under the bridge that makes me uncomfortable around them.  My daughter beat me up years ago, and I'll never forget the first time seeing them after it happened, they fell all over her and said absolutely nothing to me.  My father died years ago, whom they had met and known, and not one person sent a Mass card....meanwhile, I went to numerous wakes and funerals for their family.  The list goes on and on.   

I gave a surprise birthday party for DH years ago, and SIL inappropriately inserted herself into it, using my BIL as FM to ask her questions.  Talk about violating boundaries.  Some family members came into the restaurant carrying balloons (all the decorations had been arranged for and included in the cost of the party), and when I asked about it, they said that SIL called and told them to bring them.   First, the nerve of SIL to do that, without even picking up the phone to call me.  And then the blind acceptance of these family members to do it, when she wasn't even the host - see what I mean about her being in charge and their acceptance of it?  Then one day BIL told me that SIL was calling all the guests and telling them to arrive at an earlier time than I had put on the invitations!  How insulting - as if I didn't know enough to invite people to arrive earlier than the guest of honor.  I finally called her, got her voicemail, and left a message to please not do that, since the restaurant only opened at the time I had specified, and we didn't want guests standing outside...and if she had any other questions to come to me directly.  Of course that didn't happen.  After a lot of this FM business, I told BIL that I hoped there was this much interference when the check arrived.

I did make sure that after the surprise was over, that DH knew what SIL had done, and unfortunately, that would be the last time I would plan anything involving his family because of her overbearance.

When BIL passed away, his roommate stayed in the house that they shared.  SIL somehow thought there was something of value from BIL that the roommate had, which it was not of value and we kept telling her that.  Rather than asking the roommate directly, SIL actually called us and tried to put us up to calling the roommate and getting the item for her.  I said to her, Why don't you call him yourself and ask for it?  She replied, Oh, I don't talk to him.  I thought, Uh, that's odd, because we all just paid for the repast after BIL's funeral and he was there.  So if you just bought him brunch, and you've known him for years, you can certainly pick up the phone.   Meanwhile, after we hung up, I called the roommate and gave a heads-up that SIL was putting people up to try to get her hands on this particular item, and to be careful.  He was very appreciative.

On boundary issues, DH has a cousin who lives near us.  She and her mate used to come for holidays pretty regularly.  She would insert herself into the kitchen, bringing an apron, leaning into my oven to see if meat was done, asking ad nauseam if I needed help, to the point of utter distraction. 

I put up a cute little poem about staying out of one's kitchen.  This went unheeded.  Then I would say something, like please only ask once, and if I need your help, I'll ask.  This went unheeded.  Meanwhile, going to her place, you were stiff-armed out of her kitchen on no uncertain terms.  Of course I respected that.  I would ask once if she needed help, and that was the end of it.

It was an ongoing conversation between my husband and myself.  It got to the point of being very upsetting for me.  Husband insisted that he would be in charge the next time, and wouldn't tolerate it.

Well, the next time came.  Husband and cousin's mate had a few beers, started shooting the breeze.  I turn around, and there is his cousin in my kitchen again, she's stirring the vegetables.  Nobody asks?  I'm right nearby.  I finally said, "You know, I don't come and do this in your house."  It fell on deaf ears.  There was no apology.

Next time husband wanted them over.  I said no.  He said he would be in charge - again.  I said no, he said that last time and it still happened.   I started feeling that not only did she violate my boundaries, but by DH arguing and insisting that they come over, knowing their behavior, that he was not respecting my boundaries as well.  He finally started to see it my way.  While we saw them outside at restaurants, etc., cousin did not get another invite to our home for four years. 

Husband wanted to invite them last year.  I told him only if it is made clear to her before she comes (and I would need to hear him say it to her, not just him telling me) that she is to stay out of our kitchen.  He did.  And she stayed out.  It was a good day....though the rift is still there somewhat, and I see how she violates boundaries with others....just not someone I want to spend my valuable time with anymore.

So this year, it remains to be seen.  I would be surprised if DH went to SIL without me, but that's my strong preference.  I have been dreading this ever since the possibility was brought up a couple of weeks ago, and that old holiday negative feeling has crept back in again, sorry to say.

Let us know how things turn out for you. 

[bloomie]

Bloomie Thank You. It hurts when I need to vent and get hardly any replies. It's how my whole life has been, therefore it makes me feel not worth listening to. This is a stressful time of year. I'll move on....but Bloomie your reply meant so much 

LindaLoo - so thankful you stuck with it until the replies came. Sometimes it takes a day or two for a thread to get a response and for people to here and support you. Smart to bump up your post like you did when that happens from time to time. It is no reflection on you, just a busy board and time of year!

You are not alone - navigating the holidays with healthy family is hard. Throw in the disordered patterns of relating in our in law family and it is even more layered and complicated.

[Lilyloo]

I am sorry I was snippy This is what holidays do.  No excuse tho.........

all4peace, cheers to you on not going. That's wonderful you are hosting your friends and kids. You are strong and it seems your hubby is easy to work with on this situation. Mine isn't. It drains me.  To me his family are so enmeshed that they seem like several woven into 'one' person. They know not where one begins or the other ends. Does that make sense? 

Chowder, Your hubby sounds exactly like mine! It is the hardest thing I ever have to deal with. Oh my you are so lucky to have moved away! Good for you for getting out of it all. Your stories are stressful, so many people violating your boundaries, that is so wrong!

Bloomie, like I said so sorry I was snippy. I feel alone in all of this holiday madness, but I know I can come here and voice it. Thank you Bloomie!

Thank you everyone so much! I know so many deal with this. It's not what holidays should be...it's just not!

  to you all

[Leonor]

Hello and welcome!

There's such a feeling, I think, of loneliness around the holidays. It's just too emotionally charged for old stuff to not come up. I think we're all thrown into emotional flashbacks from October to February.

I was raised Catholic and I was talking to a young Jewish student the other day about the first early snowfall. "I love snow," I said, "but only on New Year's. Afterwards I'm done." She smiled and said, "Yes, for Christmas, it's nice." I think she may have thought I avoided Christmas in order to be sensitive to her beliefs and so she brought it up as a permission, which was so kind and generous. But I meant New Year's ... Because it means the #@$& holidays are DONE.

I met with my GP last month for a check-up and said I was interested in eventually tapering off my antidepressants (for CPTSD). And she said, "I don't let anyone adjust their meds down after Halloween." Her h is a doctor, too, and she added, "H and I always say they should just run Zoloft in the drinking water til January like fluoride!"

You're SO not alone. Here in my region there's a wonderful car commercial in which a gorgeous, polished woam enters her beautiful home, and sees two senior citizens doing yoga in her living room with some goats milling about. The seniors say, "Oh, hello, honey, we got in early and brought our pets!" And without a word, the beautiful polished woman backs out of the house, locks herself in the car, puts her seat back and opens the sunroof.

So if dreading family time on the holidays is something that's made itself into a TV commercial, you're definitely *not* alone!!!

[all4peace]

LindaLoo, this time of year is tough

For the record, my Dh has not been easy to work with. At all. We had 2 decades next door to his parents with total lack of boundaries, respect or basic human decency. It got so bad for me that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and had to start setting boundaries on my own, for myself and my family. I was completely alone in this in the beginning, getting counseling just to get "permission" to set boundaries. DH wasn't on board at all. It caused a tremendous amt of marital discord. While he doesn't enjoy his family, he even more doesn't like conflict and so was not able for more than 2 decades to step into a place of protection or setting boundaries.

I found this forum while trying to figure out what on earth was wrong with my MIL and to get answers on my own.

I'm very aware of enmeshment, as I've lived next door to it for 2+ decades. When I tried to get even a tiny bit of breathing space I was accused of trying to "leave the family." DH and I have always been expected to "go along to get along," and any differentiation is seen as an attack, or at least an implied criticism of how others do things.

This stuff isn't easy. It wasn't easy for me either. And it hasn't been easy for DH. It's taken years of therapy, lots of tears, lots of anxiety, and finally the courage to make changes for our marriage and our own little family.

Hopefully I'm not coming across as defensive. I'm trying to make the point that this isn't easy for any of us. It's a matter of figuring out what we want more--to really make changes or to live painfully in the status quo. My best to you!

[Alexmom]

47 years!  Wow!  That is a lot of time you have served at your IL's during the holidays.  I used to serve time as well, then in 2011 to be exact, set myself free and said No more miserable Tgivings at my extended IL's and I haven't done it since.   So glad I set myself free!

[Lilyloo]

all4peace, No you are not coming across as defensive. I want any input and advice I can get.I appreciate it.  I wonder how on earth you lived 2 decades next door.  Your husband is great for doing therapy. Mine would never.  He has such a loyalty to his family  that I never understood. I need to work on 'me' by reading and learning and making myself believe that I have my own rights and beliefs about holidays.

Alexmom, I am glad you set yourself free.  I truly admire you. I'm working hard on this and learning here from each of you

Leonor, I love that commercial!!!  Absolutely it says we are not alone in this issue. I know  that many today on this day of giving Thanks are struggling with  extended family and in-law and they cannot just relax.  You are right, it's such an emotionally charged time

Thank you everyone

I will be in my home today. I hope each of you have a blessed day

[11JB68]

I guess I skipped replying at first because thisdoesn't describe my in-laws but rather my foo.
I've been nc for years.
But early on yes...updm had to have everything her way. Loud family too. Updm would be hurt if she felt slighted by us on a holiday.
I started doing holidays at my house and she really did not like it.
Then on xmas they'd show up with a car FULL of presents for ds...TOO much!!! When I set a boundary with that she didn't like it and did not respect it.
It is so hard to break free of enmeshment with pd foo....I found that with uPDm there could be no in between, due to her black and white thinking it was all or nothing, her way or the highway...eventually I chose the highway 😢

[Lilyloo]

11JB68,  It seems it can be either family.  I'm sorry your mother did those things, I love that you set boundaries and you did your own holiday at home. I agree enmeshment is a difficult thing to be free of. It seems you have done well being free. Cheers to you!!

My foo aren't enmeshed, just dysfunctional.  It's honestly easier than with the in-laws esp now during the expectations at holiday time.

I refuse to go on Thanksgiving. They dominate the other holidays so I'm sticking to my boundaries about Thanksgiving

Thank you