My wife disappeared and now she is dating another guy

[Treefolk]

 I married my wife two years ago after four years of relationship. At the beginning of or marriage, we were very happy, but we started to have problems because my ex-girlfriend was sending me messages and trying to contact me. Although I never cheated, and my wife saw the messages, this situation damaged her trust. I fought to regain her trust giving her all my passwords, but she started to be psychologically and physically abusive.

Three months ago, she was acting very cold and finally left me, in the beginning, she went to her parents but she cut all communication with me and totally disappeared. I was very worried about her, so I contacted my mother in law and she told me that my wife was living in another city. All that time was a nightmare for me, I went with the psychiatrist because I could not handle the anxiety well and the situation was driving me crazy. One week ago I could contact her and she told me that now she is dating another guy and she is happy. She didn't show any remorse and blame me for this situation. I am destroyed, but I still believe in our marriage and in our family, so I am fighting for her, however, it is very difficult for me because now we are living in different places and I feel depressed. Now I don't know if I am fighting only for a dream, I start to lose hope and feeling very confused.

Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you overcome the problem?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! What a sad experience. It sounds like you want to get back together with your wife. You write, your wife was emotionally and physically abusive to you. I wonder what makes you think that if you got back together with her,  it would be different this time?

[Treefolk]

I wonder what makes you think that if you got back together with her,  it would be different this time?

I suppose it is because I really believe that people can change and because I still love her, but I think there is something wrong with me too, I was not able to set clear boundaries. I will start therapy to work on this. Thanks for your answer  .

[FreeSophia]

You are not to blame for her actions. It is very common while in a relationship to have an ex (or a new person who has a crush on you) to start communicating with you. I think every relationship experiences this with both partners at multiple times throughout the relationship. So unless you were cheating you did nothing wrong. And if you did start to get a bit flirty but then realized and stopped, you still didn't do anything to justify her actions. She has some underlying issues that she needs to figure out. If she gets that jealous and insecure so quickly and ends a marriage like that, then she has things that she needs to work on. It will happen again in the relationship she is in now, I am sure. I appreciate you saying you want to fight for your relationship but I encourage you that if you two do begin to reconcile that you insist that she admits HER part in this. It seems to me like you are blaming yourself but her part is waaaaay bigger... in my opinion.

[1footouttadefog]

You might not have a choice to get together with her again.  She devalued you and disengaged from the relationship.  She ran off dishonestly and engaged in an affair while still married. 

I am afraid she thinks the marriage is over even if you don't.

Take care of your self, this has to be atough thing to experience. 

[Treefolk]

You are not to blame for her actions. It is very common while in a relationship to have an ex (or a new person who has a crush on you) to start communicating with you. I think every relationship experiences this with both partners at multiple times throughout the relationship. So unless you were cheating you did nothing wrong. And if you did start to get a bit flirty but then realized and stopped, you still didn't do anything to justify her actions. She has some underlying issues that she needs to figure out. If she gets that jealous and insecure so quickly and ends a marriage like that, then she has things that she needs to work on. It will happen again in the relationship she is in now, I am sure. I appreciate you saying you want to fight for your relationship but I encourage you that if you two do begin to reconcile that you insist that she admits HER part in this. It seems to me like you are blaming yourself but her part is waaaaay bigger... in my opinion.

Thanks for your support, you are right I cannot stop blaming myself but I have just started therapy and I hope that will help. I told my wife that she should also look for help, but I think that now that she is with this new person she will no do it.   

[Treefolk]

You might not have a choice to get together with her again.  She devalued you and disengaged from the relationship.  She ran off dishonestly and engaged in an affair while still married. 

I am afraid she thinks the marriage is over even if you don't.

Take care of your self, this has to be atough thing to experience.

Yes, I also think that it is very likely that the marriage is over, even if I don't want, the thing that I do not understand is why when I ask her if she wants to end our marriage she doesn't reply, moreover she hasn't informed to her family yet. Last time when I talked with her I said, if you want to start a good relationship with this new person first you have to finish this, but she doesn't talk about the divorce. That is why I still have hope.

[eyesopen]

Yes, I also think that it is very likely that the marriage is over, even if I don't want, the thing that I do not understand is why when I ask her if she wants to end our marriage she doesn't reply, moreover she hasn't informed to her family yet. Last time when I talked with her I said, if you want to start a good relationship with this new person first you have to finish this, but she doesn't talk about the divorce. That is why I still have hope.

As someone who just went through a very similar situation, let me tell you this: pay attention to her actions, not her words.  Sorry in advance, I'm not going to give you more hope for your marriage.

For most people in a marriage that's not working, they choose one of two options: (1) Try to make it work or (2) File for divorce.  But your wife and mine both decided on a third option, to move on to another partner without ending the relationship, i.e. cheating.

The trouble with trying to reason with or decipher the intentions of people who cheat is that they don't see the relationship the way you or I do.  You may think, "If she really wanted to leave me, she'd file for divorce.  Since she hasn't filed, there must be some part of her that wants to stay together.  I should keep trying until she discovers that part of herself again and then we can be happy."  Sorry, but that's never* going to happen.  Not ever.  No matter what you do.  (*I know, never say never and all that. But the odds are significantly against reconciliation working out for you.)

Most likely, she didn't file for divorce because she doesn't care about the marriage in the first place.  Much easier to just move on and let you deal with all the paperwork.  Similarly, letting you do it plays into a possible narrative of hers that you're terrible and you're the one that's leaving her, not the other way around.  If you file for divorce, even though she's the one who left and cheated, she can be the victim of her story.  Why would she accept consequences for her own actions when you're so willing to take them all on yourself?  Take a look at what she's already done:

1. She became psychologically and physically abusive toward you because of her unfounded jealousy.  You were an open book, but she chose not to trust you.

2. She cut all communication and disappeared.  That clearly indicates that she wants you to leave her alone.  Could you rationalize that maybe, just maybe, her actions indicate that she hoped you'd pursue her ("If he really wants me, he'll find me.  That's how true love works.")?  Sure, you may be able to rationalize that in your own mind, but it's pure speculation and there's no evidence that it could be true.  Look at the evidence: she left.

3. She's dating another guy and says she's happy.  One or both of those could be lies, she could be doing it just to make you jealous, or it could be true.  Don't get caught up in figuring out her motives or what's really going on, just listen to what she's told you: she has moved on.  You should too.

4. She blames you for the situation.  How convenient that her choices are your fault.  Life doesn't work that way, people make their own choices.  Her choices are objectively extremely selfish, betraying you and your marriage, so it makes sense that she doesn't want to own up to them.  And how convenient, you're ready and waiting to accept all her blame.  You didn't cheat, she did.  You didn't leave, she did.  There are parts of the relationship that are your responsibility, but her choices are her responsibility.

For me, I gave my ex way too many chances.  Gave her the benefit of the doubt way too many times.  Eventually, after a year-long roller coaster of trying to understand her intentions and rekindle our relationship, I came to accept that her cheating is something I cannot get over or forgive.  I wanted to, desperately, to keep our family together.  But her cheating means that she doesn't value me and she doesn't value our marriage, plain and simple.

My recommendation is this, go buy a copy of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide by Tracy Schorn and also check out the author's website: chumplady.com.  So many (thousands and thousands and thousands...) of people have been in your exact situation and this book and website collect their shared wisdom.  You'll need to figure out your own situation and how you want to handle it, but learning from others that have experienced the same thing can help you realize that you're far from alone.

[1footouttadefog]

Look up projection.  She was likely already cheating when she blew the text messages out if proportion. 

[eyesopen]

Look up projection.  She was likely already cheating when she blew the text messages out if proportion.

  Yes, yes, YES!!!

So many things my ex complained about ended up being things that she was or is now doing.  Every one of her false accusations she threw at me (seriously, EVERY ONE), turned out to be based on her own actions.  Maybe your wife was already cheating when she blew the texts out of proportion or maybe she was considering cheating, either way, keeping you focused on defending yourself prevented you from noticing what she was up to.

I used to naively respond to my ex's accusations with defense, denial, reassurance that I'd never do anything like that.  Turns out she was just trying to make me feel like a piece of shit so I wouldn't notice all the shitty stuff she was doing.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex was living with someone and he still didn't want to divorce. They want to keep all options on the table at all times.

Focus on your therapy. What you wife will or won't do is irrelevant. For me the most helpful thing I did was to focus on my own healing and building a life outside of my marriage. There were underlying issues in my marriage and from what little you have posted there are underlying issues in yours (lack of trust, contact with exes). It was hard for me to acknowledge this and to make a break but it was worth it on the end. My ex is living his same chaotic life with someone else. I am in therapy and living a life I wouldn't have been able to even dream about when I was married.

[Treefolk]

Yes, I also think that it is very likely that the marriage is over, even if I don't want, the thing that I do not understand is why when I ask her if she wants to end our marriage she doesn't reply, moreover she hasn't informed to her family yet. Last time when I talked with her I said, if you want to start a good relationship with this new person first you have to finish this, but she doesn't talk about the divorce. That is why I still have hope.

As someone who just went through a very similar situation, let me tell you this: pay attention to her actions, not her words.  Sorry in advance, I'm not going to give you more hope for your marriage.

For most people in a marriage that's not working, they choose one of two options: (1) Try to make it work or (2) File for divorce.  But your wife and mine both decided on a third option, to move on to another partner without ending the relationship, i.e. cheating.

The trouble with trying to reason with or decipher the intentions of people who cheat is that they don't see the relationship the way you or I do.  You may think, "If she really wanted to leave me, she'd file for divorce.  Since she hasn't filed, there must be some part of her that wants to stay together.  I should keep trying until she discovers that part of herself again and then we can be happy."  Sorry, but that's never* going to happen.  Not ever.  No matter what you do.  (*I know, never say never and all that. But the odds are significantly against reconciliation working out for you.)

Most likely, she didn't file for divorce because she doesn't care about the marriage in the first place.  Much easier to just move on and let you deal with all the paperwork.  Similarly, letting you do it plays into a possible narrative of hers that you're terrible and you're the one that's leaving her, not the other way around.  If you file for divorce, even though she's the one who left and cheated, she can be the victim of her story.  Why would she accept consequences for her own actions when you're so willing to take them all on yourself?  Take a look at what she's already done:

1. She became psychologically and physically abusive toward you because of her unfounded jealousy.  You were an open book, but she chose not to trust you.

2. She cut all communication and disappeared.  That clearly indicates that she wants you to leave her alone.  Could you rationalize that maybe, just maybe, her actions indicate that she hoped you'd pursue her ("If he really wants me, he'll find me.  That's how true love works.")?  Sure, you may be able to rationalize that in your own mind, but it's pure speculation and there's no evidence that it could be true.  Look at the evidence: she left.

3. She's dating another guy and says she's happy.  One or both of those could be lies, she could be doing it just to make you jealous, or it could be true.  Don't get caught up in figuring out her motives or what's really going on, just listen to what she's told you: she has moved on.  You should too.

4. She blames you for the situation.  How convenient that her choices are your fault.  Life doesn't work that way, people make their own choices.  Her choices are objectively extremely selfish, betraying you and your marriage, so it makes sense that she doesn't want to own up to them.  And how convenient, you're ready and waiting to accept all her blame.  You didn't cheat, she did.  You didn't leave, she did.  There are parts of the relationship that are your responsibility, but her choices are her responsibility.

For me, I gave my ex way too many chances.  Gave her the benefit of the doubt way too many times.  Eventually, after a year-long roller coaster of trying to understand her intentions and rekindle our relationship, I came to accept that her cheating is something I cannot get over or forgive.  I wanted to, desperately, to keep our family together.  But her cheating means that she doesn't value me and she doesn't value our marriage, plain and simple.

My recommendation is this, go buy a copy of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide by Tracy Schorn and also check out the author's website: chumplady.com.  So many (thousands and thousands and thousands...) of people have been in your exact situation and this book and website collect their shared wisdom.  You'll need to figure out your own situation and how you want to handle it, but learning from others that have experienced the same thing can help you realize that you're far from alone.

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. You are right I have to focus on the facts, the thing that it is very painful for me is how fast things happen. Three months ago I had a completely different life, I had a family. Now I feel that I lost everything and it is difficult for me to accept that. There are days when I  feel better but when When memories come flooding back all the pain returns and I want to contact her again.