Children of no contact relatives

[Kitbit]

How do you deal with children of relatives with whom you have no contact? It is awkward because I would love to be more a part of their life but it is virtually impossible given the cast of characters. I'd appreciate any advice.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's just impossible for me. The same rules that allow me to protect my own children from their dysfunctional aunts and uncles also shut me out from my nieces and nephews. It stinks, but if their parents are too toxic for me, I can't go around them to get to their kids, at least until their children are adults. But in my case I'll be an aunt they have never met so... not sure how that would go. It's not fair. But it's the way it has to be.

[Kitbit]

Thanks for sharing. I feel guilty for not being more involved but I have had to cut ties with one person who creates an obstacle for all of the rest - for my own sanity. I appreciate your sharing as it is hard for me to talk to others who understand. I was excluded from the family unit or shunned/second class citizen when I was around and so it is awkward in the present day.

[BettyGray]

It's hard. I only have one nephew in my FOO, whom I care for and love very much. But when I cut off contact from all of them 5 years ago, I knew I had to do it across the board. He was 24 at the time, and a functioning adult. But he was so enmeshed with his father (my brother) and his grandmother (NPDmom) that I knew which side he would take.

I knew it was unfair, that he didn't deserve it, but I also knew they would use him to get to me if I stayed in touch. After all, he is a sensitive, empathetic kid, and you know how PDs treat people with these qualities.

But I never blocked him from social media, email, or my business phone. I never stopped following him on social media. If he had wanted to, he could have contacted me at any point. But he didn't. Maybe he was angry with me? I don't know. Who knows what awful things they said about me and DH?

A few months ago he DM'd me on social media, and I struggled with it. I didn't respond. He tried again. I still didn't respond. I felt horrible, but reviewing what he said, I realized he was pushing for my phone number (I changed it), insisting that he wouldn't tell anybody if I didn't want him to, and it just seemed sudden. I realized later that his other grandmother and Aunt had died a few months apart. I know he was close to them as well, and was probably feeling vulnerable.

He said nice things about me and DH, said he missed me, said if I don't respond it's ok, he understands. He said now that he is a little older he understands a little better why I left 25 years ago (he was around 4). But he wouldn't say specifically what he learned, leaving it open to interpretation. Over the years I stayed in touch with him best I could (with a teenage boy, keeping in touch with an Aunt didn't seem that likely).  But he would never choose me over them, this I know. 

There were no specifics, no "how are yous" , no specifics about what he found out. Pretty sure he is still enmeshed, I didn't see that changing. Even if he had kept our communication secret, that's a big burden on him. They're nosy, have no respect for boundaries, and at some point he could've caved.

It breaks my heart, but it has to be this way at least for now. Maybe if he ever gets away from their influence, moves away, and rejects them, I would be more willing to take the bait.

But my highest priority is protecting my mental health and my FOC's well-being.  Five years of growth is too precious to be
Swept away by guilt. It all just makes me sad. While he isnt a young child, I he is still my nephew.