NC 10 years and I just now realized...

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Recently DS21 hit me up with a question about his grandma and in a round about way asked why I don't see her.  He isn't judgmental about it and he knows who she is.  He question was more along the lines of do you think you'll ever be able to have a relationship with her again.  Ugh... tough question.  I told him that there was only one way that would happen.  She would have to own her part in her behavior towards me and be able to understand why what she did hurt me.  The biggest apology I ever got from her was "I'm sorry that you hate me."  I also at that point explained that part of the problem with our relationship was me not protecting my own boundaries, so when I finally did, it was a huge deal.  Not even sure that would have helped to be honest but I did have some complicity in this whole thing.  Before NC, I explained in no uncertain terms what the boundaries of the relationship were.  One of those was not to disparage my spouse in front of my kids.  To which she replied, "I'll stop calling SO a loser when he stops acting like one."  In other words, not going to happen. 

So my son then asked, "Do you think she'll ever apologize?"  To which I know the answer, no.  No she won't.  So I went into a spiel about boundaries and how this is not anything to do with how I feel about grandma, but about protecting myself and healing from a somewhat toxic(to me) environment.  When she doesn't honor my boundaries, I have to do what is right for me.  I then told him a story about how she had discarded her own mother for not doing what she wanted her to do.  Something that is a huge and very personal life choice that should only be made by the person who has to live it and a huge boundary violation by uBPDm.  The only way that relationship was revived was when her mom, my grandma issued a straight up apology.  At that point my uBPDm was happy and was ok with the decision.  So as long as uBPDm gets to be "right", everything is ok.

So from there he said, "What if you came back anyway?"  It was then I was hit with the revelation.  No matter what I do, it will never be what she wants, and I will have to apologize for living my life the way I see fit.  I'm not torturing puppies, I got a divorce and am living with a man she disapproves of.  She will always turn her back on me until I either get a divorce or apologize and admit she's "right".  Last time I talked to her she demanded that I admit the fact that my life has gone to h#ll otherwise there would be legal action for visitation to my kids.  She was true to her words, she went after the grandparent law to get visitation.  Fortunately, I was able to get a court order against her from seeing the kids.  She's not going to change. 

But now I'm feeling even more solidified in my decision, if I even waiver a bit, it's not worth my soul.  Yeah sure, I can placate her, Yes yes mom my life is hell.  But that would only encourage her to continue to use it as justification for treating me as her inferior.  "See even you yourself admitted your life was a train wreck!"  Not worth it. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree, not worth it. Placate her and like you said, that would encourage her to continue spewing BS and hate. For what? she doesn't sound nice, isn't pleasant to be around and doesn't sound like she adds anything of value to you or your children's lives.

From my point of view, you made the right choice.

[M0009803]

The fact that she actually went as far as court to try to prove she was right, tells you all you need to know.

No chance of her ever changing.  Once you go down the legal route to make our lives harder due to your dysfunction, you can forget about reconciliation.

That's the way I see it. 

[Starboard Song]

Good, strong story.

Thanks for sharing, and thanks for taking care of yourself. You are being a great role model for those around you.