It Doesn't Get Better for Everyone, Does It?

[FogDawg]

Some here are fortunate enough to have a significant other to fall back on for support, but that does not apply to all of us. I really do not have any friends, at least in the physical sense, with the couple remaining ones being in other states. I have come to the harsh realization that my family has never given two shits. Those who were supposed to have my back chose to instead stick a knife into it and twist until I wound up bled of any hope and the ability to trust. Through the years, I repeatedly heard from them, "Maybe if you try this or that," "You need to be the one to change," "You bring pretty much everything on yourself," "I (conveniently) don't remember that," "You cannot keep living this way," "You need to let go of the past," "You only have one father," "He loves you. He just doesn't know how to show it," "Nothing could be that bad," and such. I doubt myself so much from all of the gaslighting and do feel crazy because of it. I cut out the two worst offenders, my (uN)father and one aunt, who chooses to practice cognitive dissonance and does not want to/cannot recognize any of it because her mother is abusive as well. My cousin, the daughter of my father's brother, went into full flying monkey mode this past week and I wound up giving her some of the reasons why I am no contact in hopes of making her understand - I think that she has also completely gone over to the dark side. Pa is creating drama, when I can barely cope with everything wrong in my life as it is, leaving a message telling me that he will offer financial help if I get back in touch with him (I am almost homeless, but I absolutely refuse to) and now informing companies (insurance has called so far) about the NC situation and saying that everything, apparently, is in my head.

I am really teetering on the edge. I turn to food for comfort and then wind up feeling even worse about myself; my father used to shame me about my weight, looking me right in the eye and speaking to others as if I was not present. I grew up with a complete lack of affection and doubt that I have ever been loved by anyone. I spend nearly every waking moment wishing that I were someone else. I seriously considered throwing myself off a balcony when I was in my teens and often wish that I would have gone through with it (or one of the other plans that I almost enacted in my twenties). People love to claim that life gets better if one just holds in there long enough, though that is not always true, is it? For every one measly step forward, there are twenty back, it seems. If I were religious, I would almost believe that I am already dead and this is Hell. I truly hope that no one else here feels even remotely close to how I do, and should anyone be able to relate, I am so sorry.

[Maxtrem]

Hi,
With therapy many things can improve. A close friend or relative on whom you can lean is not really a solution to get out of it, he or she wouldn't be equipped to really help you. I think it's a shame that you have such low self-esteem, you answered some of my posts and helped me a lot and I want to thank you for that! You are clearly a very intelligent person who has a lot to offer!! You already helped several people on this forum! Therapy is long and difficult, but it can really save you. Once you get better, you might also find love and create your own family (which will not only disappoint you, personally that's my dream ).

Ps: Sorry for the mistakes, English is my second language 

[doglady]

Hey fogdawg,
I don't know that it does get easier in a linear way exactly. There can be steps forward, although often it seems as if there are many steps backwards too. And these compound our cPTSD symptoms. But overall, if we stay away from the poison and instead head towards that which is good for us, things will slowly improve.

If we can maintain our distance from those who harm us, that is one giant step forward - and you are doing a great job of doing this and holding your boundaries. However, your FOO and FMs keep trying to insinuate themselves into your life, thereby probably making you feel as if you've taken numerous steps backwards. It's certainly exhausting and can make you wonder if it'll ever get better. But I think if you keep yourself pointed in the right direction, ie. away from them, it will gradually get better over time.

But, as you say, it's incredibly hard to do this on your own, especially with the stress you have regarding low finances and possibly becoming homeless. I'm glad you have friends you can talk to even if they are interstate. I think it would be very helpful if there was someone nearby, eg. a free counselling service, or a local support group you could attend. Is this a possibility?

You sound like a very caring person who is exhausted beyond your capacities at the moment. Your family shaming you about your weight and blaming you for everything over the years is beyond disgusting and I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through this. They are obviously not helping you at all, but I daresay they tell all and sundry they are doing it under the guise of saying they 'care' -  although it's all on their terms and they won't take No for an answer, which is just straight up harassment and bullying in my opinion.

I think if you fully accept that your family doesn't give two shits (or can only do so in a very toxic way) then that can free you up to do what you need to do for yourself for your own healing. Your father doesn't get it and never will, and your cousin may not ever understand your position and it might be too exhausting and pointless to get her to even try. I hope you can drop the rope with these people. You deserve so much better. In nature, animals stay away from poisonous snakes for a reason. Why should humans keep putting up with similar?

I hope you are able to do something nice for you, whether it's reading a good book, watching a good show, talking to a friend, getting outside in nature, if any of these are possible. Your letter conveys that you are very low at the moment and I am sure everyone here is feeling for you. Many of us here have also been very low, which is not to compare to or compete with your experience but just to say that it is possible to feel this way and come out the other side. The first step for me was to give up on any pretence that my family ever understood or wanted it any other way but on their terms with me as their scapegoat. I think we have to remove the source of poison, and accept the grieving that accompanies that, while continuing to take those steps that are going to heal us. Which you already know, it's just hard to see it when you're so low. When you're very low though, it's the message you're getting that things need to change. These people need to be a smaller part of your life.

Please don't give up. We are all here for you. I'm not religious either, but I get my comfort from other things eg. Literature, nature, animals, philosophy, walking - and the few good friends and family members I have, although I think you can still feel very alone if you don't want to 'burden' them. I hope that you will continue to share with your friends, post here, do what's good for you and keep your FOO at a distance. My best wishes.

[appaloosa]

Dear Fogdawg,
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I don't really know if it gets better for everyone, although I do hope so. It is a terrible thing to realize that your family doesn't care about you. (Been there. Still there, actually) Are you seeing a therapist? Can you join some meet ups or something so you can possible start to make new friends? I feel a million times better when I get out with friends, of which I don't have a ton either, since I moved to a new city, but I'm actively trying to make them.  I sometimes struggle with the food/too much alcohol problem too.
Sending you a hug. xoxo

[Fortuna]

FogDawg I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it does feel like one step forward and then two back sometimes. And sometimes the punches from life just keep coming. So I can't tell you there aren't hard times ahead, there very well might be. But you've made an important decision to protect yourself from harm by going NC. Since you are trying to go NC with only part of the family there may be some rough spots as you find out which family members you can trust to hear you, see you and not accidentally become a flying monkey. You are likely going to have hard work ahead of determining where your boundaries are and letting people know when they cross them. Eventually you should be able to get the people who can abide boundaries to stay within yours and those who can't can just go. In the long run, this should make your life easier, better, more meaningful.

It seems like you have some other issues that are not helping right now.
Financial stress can be horrid. Do what you can to mitigate it. (Cancel everything you can, see if there are ways of sharing/cutting costs of housing or transportation, look into the local services from food banks to shelters/ need based assistance for food and housing, utility payments.  If you're just not sure where the money is going, gather all documents and go line by line to see if there's any financial leaks you can plug. Not sure of your situation, so I may have just listed the checklist you already checked off last month.) But if you want more detail, we're here.
No relationships locally. Try finding a support group,a church, a local meetup of people that have the same interests. Start making new connections so you can, a year from now, know you have friends, that have your back and they have yours. Dysfunctional families sometimes end up meaning you don't have connections outside them, now you can change that.
Good luck. I know this is hard sometimes.

[M0009803]

It sounds like you are still very enmeshed with your family.

Having said that, your instincts about accepting any financial help from them are correct as it pertains to narcissists. Once they have that hook in, they will use it against you.

You need a time out.  Time apart from the whole family to heal.  How feasible is this foe you given the situation?

[Blue233]

It can get better.  I am cut off from my entire family.  I've been in therapy for over a year with a therapist who gets it (incredibly important to get this validation from a professional so you KNOW you are not the crazy one).  I also found a "new tribe".  Your family is not your tribe and it will be important to find new, caring people in your life to replace them.  For me, I started going to a yoga class with a dear friend.  She has replaced my toxic family with unconditional love and warmth, and I know she has my back.  The other ladies I've gotten to know in my class help me to feel less alone as well.  I also am lucky enough to have wonderful people I work with that feel like "family". 

I do have a husband and kids, so I am not entirely alone, either.  But I can't stress how helpful it is to meet new people who you can relate to and spend time with. 

Also, no contact starts the healing process, but it doesn't make it better.  It allows you safety to start grieving in earnest over what you never had and deserved to have (a loving family).  Than it paves the way for acceptance of what is, and that you can't control or make any of it better, and it's simply the way it is.  After you've reached acceptance, it gets easier from there.  Now you're freed up to find things in your life that are meaningful and bring purpose and hope in your life. 

It's definitely a hard process, but it can be done.  Therapy, outside support from new friends, grieving it fully, and then accepting what is has helped me tremendously.  I hope you find peace, too. 

[FogDawg]

Thank you all very much for the kind and insightful replies. Where I am, there is not even a form of public transportation, which meant putting far more money into my car than I would have preferred, especially for its age, so I can manage to start a new job (I had to miss the first orientation, delaying the first paycheck by two weeks, putting me even further behind). I have checked into everything listed as far as financial help and was denied because I am not technically behind yet. One of my neighbors said that they would talk with their parish to see if any of the funds could be used to help me out, but there is a catch to it, as always - those in the congregation get priority and recommendations regarding outsiders do not count for much. I set foot inside a church for the first time in ages the other year, in October, due to the sign outside announcing traveling ministers coming to detail their supernatural occurences (I am intrigued by the occult); I felt like a complete phony, having to get up and leave by the second song, making it nowhere near that point. I only have Internet, which I cannot go without, in part because that is how my phone operates. While not a lot, I will be getting back some of last year's taxes, so that will help.

I am glad to hear that I have helped at least a few members in the short time that I have been posting. The lack of self-esteem is pretty obvious even when not mentioned, I am sure. Trust issues, for a variety of reasons, do not help when it comes to meeting new people. I have definitely not led a charmed life, despite what may be claimed by my father and aunt. The only therapy option would be my father's (through his insurance *shudders*), which I would have serious reservations about either way, wondering about their efficiency, not to mention their impartiality. I have been reading a good amount about personality disorders for the past few years and doing my best to heal (there have been setbacks here and there). I have come to accept that the NC is a requirement and I may lose more people in my life because of it; I am more angry about everything than sad. I wish you all the best of luck as well.

[bloomie]

FogDawg - things have been seriously difficult for you for a very long time and that gets hard to hold up under. You have already received a great deal of wisdom and insights and I wanted to offer my support as you find your way forward.

The healing path is steep and discouraging at times and yet so worthy of our efforts. At times, we need to sit and rest a bit before we can take on new challenges that face us and sometimes that means stepping completely away from those who drain our batteries.

I wanted to offer some resources for you that you can access online:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency
there are international resources listed here that may be support to you.

There are also many therapists and counseling groups that offer therapy online and through chat that may be just the help and support you need right now.

Strength and peace to you as you find the best path forward for you.

[Sweetbriar]

Hi FogDawg,

I am new here but not new to much of what you are experiencing. I just want to send you some hope and love. It seems to me that you have some incredible gifts within you, the gift of empathy to others, the gift of intelligence.  Those qualities are there and ready to help you.

Your question about it getting better, I have fairly often.... especially when I've been bowled over by hidden trauma. I feel like, why the heck does this still hurt so bad? But someone above said something that I believe. This process is not linear. It's like, for me, a water colour painting. We paint in a little bit at a time as we live, making our life more colourful and joyful, every time we make the choice to a healthier way to live.

When you are overwhelmed, as you sound like you are, remember to simplify. Do one good thing for yourself if that's all you can manage. Have a glass of water. Take a shower. Go outside. And on slightly better days, take tiny risks. Ask someone out for coffee. Attend a yoga class. Take a mindful meditation workshop. Have no expectations. Feel your way through it. Every little choice that is good, that we can do on a day that we a bit more strong, adds up and this is wonderful.

We (I tell myself this) have to remember that peace does not come quickly and we have to remember what we are up against. This ain't easy. Especially if we have anyone in our life who continues to gas light us. Step away from those people. They are unconscious at best, or worse, they have bad intentions. To heal you need some healthy, quiet reflection and self-compassion.

When I was twenty-seven, I was pretty much homeless, living on the west coast. I had one part-time job that paid little in a group home. I had saved a jar of change, and I had a $2 slice of pizza every night for dinner from a grungy store on the strip. I had one good friend. She took me in and let me live with her for free. This stabilized me and gave me the ability to seek another job. She pretty much saved me.

One day I met my husband to be. I didn't know it. I was dating another man, who was, when I look back, a malignant narcissist. Of course I thought that jerk was magnetic, but something inside of me knew not to stay with him. I went with the good guy instead, because he was kind. He turned into my husband and he is my rock right now.

In other words, please continue to put one foot in front of the other and move them in a good, wise direction. And be very kind to yourself.

Where you are right now is hard, but it won't always be this hard. I promise you.

Take heart and look deep inside. You have what you need to survive this.

[FogDawg]

Thanks for the validation, Bloomie, and I know that you truly mean well with the link. Just as therapy has occasionally had the opposite effect, those hotlines and online chats can also wind up taking a tailspin, going so far as hanging up on or disconnecting the user, which only reinforces to a person in a dark place that no one cares and they are completely alone. Yourself and the other members here taking the time to respond, regardless of length, means a lot.

Yesterday after I had posted, I wound up receiving a letter from the aunt. I honestly do not why I read it. She wrote some absolutely vile things and attempted to pass it off as me projecting my feelings for myself upon her in what I had written and claiming that she has only been helpful, supportive, and loving, merely wanting the best for me. She scratched out the sentence immediately following, which I was able to discern as either 'it is a laugh' or 'it is ridiculous', once again invalidating me. My aunt is incredibly religious and goes against so much of what she claims to believe. When my mother was on her deathbed and this woman felt horrible for not being able to make it to the hospital, I showed compassion and told her that mum would certainly understand, whereas she now has the nerve to ask when I have ever been supportive of her or my uncle, who passed away, also from cancer, a few years back and would not allow anyone to come see him because that is not how he wanted to be remembered. The mere mention of knowing about her talking about me behind my back is, according to her, doing the same. She stated, "Of course you are going to come up in conversation with your father from time to time, but you are not the main talking point," like I think too highly of myself. What actually had me laughing a little is that the letter started out thanking me for keeping the lines of communication open (I responded to her last, clueless note as a final courtesy), then it immediately descended into a balls-to-the-wall reprimanding for daring to call her out on her toxic behavior. If there was ever any hope of reconciliation down the line, she has seen to it that the option is no longer on the table. She is requesting that I call, pointing out that writing is taking too long for her liking, again demonstrating that it is all completely on her terms. I was first giving her the benefit of the doubt and simply speaking very infrequently, thinking that she merely could not accept the situation between myself and pa because of her mother treating her badly at times, though I now firmly believe that she is just as much of a narc as my father. At one point in the letter she stated that I am intelligent person, so I do not know how she thinks I would not be able to see through all of the bullshit gaslighting happening. My mother, an enabler, also hated it when I really started seeing the truth, since it meant holding her accountable for her actions and inaction as well. Like it or not, everyone has to live with the consequences of how they have treated others. I love how history is rewritten in order to make themselves out to be incapable of any wrongdoing.

[FogDawg]

Hi FogDawg,

I am new here but not new to much of what you are experiencing. I just want to send you some hope and love. It seems to me that you have some incredible gifts within you, the gift of empathy to others, the gift of intelligence.  Those qualities are there and ready to help you.

Your question about it getting better, I have fairly often.... especially when I've been bowled over by hidden trauma. I feel like, why the heck does this still hurt so bad? But someone above said something that I believe. This process is not linear. It's like, for me, a water colour painting. We paint in a little bit at a time as we live, making our life more colourful and joyful, every time we make the choice to a healthier way to live.

Hi, Sweetbriar. Thank you for your kindness. I doubt myself often and occasionally need to be reminded that I am not horrible, stupid, and worthless, unable to see it on my own. It is not my fault that I had the rotten luck of being born into this dysfunctional family (just like everyone else here). So many people just do not get it, as they had the fortune of growing up knowing that their parents loved them and had their backs no matter what and they were not bullied at home after just having been through hell in school. The mistreatment chips away at someone until they feel like they have absolutely nothing to offer and they are only able to see the flaws in themself. I'm sitting here practically in tears thinking about what I have lost and who I could have been. Everything requires so much effort, including what should be simple, like doing the dishes or taking a shower. I am preaching to the choir and do not have to say anything further, I am sure.

I like your way of looking at it, as if this is all an unfinished painting that is continually being added to. I used to love to draw (a college professor who was an actual artist changed that, with every bit of criticism done only out of cruelty and not to help any of us get better) and can relate it to that as well, with each stroke changing the image.

I am glad that you had the friend who was willing to be by your side when you were low and refused to give up on you. So many choose the opposite, to walk away and wash their hands of somone who is hurting terribly, which is when we need them to be in our corner the most. This person is a true gem shining in the darkness of this harsh world.

I am going to stop before I totally fall apart. Thank you again.

[Sweetbriar]

FogDawg, it's okay to feel that grief. That stuff is real. Let it out. Better out than in, right.

I'm sorry you had that experiencing in your art class. I know very well how easily damaged that part of us can be. I have a friend who who went to a writing course and she gave up writing. She didn't write for ten years. But when she did go back to it, she published a novel. You must keep trying.

But remember there are disordered folks in art classes unfortunately, teachers, being one of them. Be very very careful. Always be gentle with self and your creativity. If someone says something critical, create that good parent inside of you who says, that's their opinion. Don't take it on. The best thing about art is its diversity and how some people will love your work, and others just don't. That's okay. Keep going.
Art is a discipline too. Sounds like you have another gift.

[FogDawg]

I really appreciate that you took the time to say more, Sweetbriar. I know from prior experience that holding everything in is the worst thing to do. I am numb a lot of the time, likely from not learning how to acknowledge emotions/having feelings invalidated growing up. The very first time that I ever stood up for myself in an attempt to make my father understand my point-of-view, when I was in my twenties, did I ever lose it; my mother had to remind me to breathe and to stop screaming before I wound up keeling over (I was going nonstop and guess that I looked like I was near a heart attack or stroke). Any previous time that I had yelled at him, it was due to how he was mistreating her, which managed to get him off her ass for a while, so I was hoping the same for myself, I suppose - I was treated somewhat like a human being for all of three days, not exactly any sort of milestone worth recognizing.

The professor was a miserable old bastard whose venom was likely the only thing keeping him alive. I had a disappointing experience with that college overall, leading to me dropping out (finished at another, not much better, a handful of years later). I am sorry about your friend also having a passion ripped away from her, though I am glad that there is somewhat of a happy ending, with her returning to it and actually having her work published.

Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, art is very subjective and will not be to everyone's liking - though I hope to never again hear a drawing described as 'a worthless piece of whale shit'

[Sweetbriar]

FogDawg. My heart holds space for that bravery and grief you held, and hold, because of that disordered father. Sending you lots of love. You deserved and deserve so so much better. Treat yourself with lots of love today okay.

[GettingOOTF]

For me it felt at the time that it would never get better but now looking back I see that there was a consistent upward trend over time.

I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I also am single and have few friends - none of whom live anywhere near me.  I also had destructive and unhealthy coping mechanism (alcohol and food).

Getting where I am today took years, really hard work and a lot of painful decisions that I really didn't want to make.

I think it can get better for everyone, but healing isn't liner, it feels awful at the time and it requires a lot of action on the healers part. For me it was easy for me to think about all the negative and about how unfair life was to me. I think when we grow up in these families it takes all our resources to survive as children and when we reach adult hood we are exhausted and drained. It takes a lot to find that strength to keep moving forward again.

Hang in there.

[doglady]

 :hey fogdawg
Hope you are feeling ok today.

I imagine your aunt's letter  was the last thing you needed - and I guess you know what to do with any further letters from her.

And as for her decree from on high that you call her, obviously it's a step backwards in terms of your own healing to do that. Your father, aunt and cousin are not helping you to move forward at all and I think NC with them at this point would help you find a space to just rest and not have stress hormones coursing all through your body in anticipation of having to deal with them. Are you able to just drop the rope with them? After, all they are never going to get it. It's too exhausting for you in your current state to even try with them.

I continue to be a firm believer that on those days when we are very low, we simply have to do at least one thing, however small, that is good for us and keeps us heading in the direction of our healing and away from those who continue to poison us. Sometimes it helps me to write the unsent letter and get all my unspoken thoughts and feelings onto the page. It's very cathartic. Apologies if you've already tried this. Why not also draw it? Your professor sounds Like a price of work. People like that don't deserve to teach, they do so much damage.

At the risk of repeating myself (only because I have to remind myself nearly. Every. Single. Day too) this healing business is a long and nonlinear process. But if I can drag myself out of bed, and make the bed (a tiny thing I know, but it's something) even just tiny positive steps every day WILL eventually help. Those bad days are inevitable but they do become fewer.

Keep posting. We care, even if we are located in far away places. I have to keep reminding myself that these low days will pass. We are here for you.

[FogDawg]

I am definitely self-destructive and have a bit of a savior complex, which is a way to escape dealing with my own issues for a time. My ex-girlfriend once said that she liked me in part due to being damaged like her, which I did not consider a flag, finding it almost endearing instead, showing how accepting I am of the fact that I am not right. I was on a gambling kick a few years ago, though I somehow found a way out of it on my own, realizing that the odds posted online were false and I should have hit at least twice with how many tickets I had just purchased (I came up completely empty-handed), the catalyst to having it finally sink in that even the times before where I had won back some of what I had spent were not any cause for celebration and I was actually digging myself into a deeper hole. The only real reasons I can think of for not getting into drugs or alcohol would be firsthand experience with a cruel, drunken uncle, who my father never defended either myself or my mother/his wife from, and losing a friend (really, closer to a brother) to suicide thanks to them falling in with the wrong crowd and becoming an addict. My coping skills are absolutely pathetic and I have amassed quite a collection of various objects over the years from buying material goods in order to fill the void/give myself something to look forward to so I could make it yet another day. My father often mocked me about opening a store, when he was a large part of the cause for me resorting to the overspending. I finally chose to tell my late mother why I bought so much and heard, "From what I have been reading, lots of depressed people do the same, apparently." Yes, depressed. As in in need of support. My family has never gotten it, even when it was right in front of their faces.

It is ironic that I can be open enough online to practically write a book, yet I remain tremendously guarded in person and say the bare minimum to people regarding practically any subject. I really hope that being forthcoming about my mental health does not upset others. I have been invalidated many times when I have tried to broach the subjects of depression, C-PTSD, and others, and am hoping to maybe encourage some here who feel apprehensive about laying out their struggles to see that it is alright to do so, with the lack of judgment thus far (for which I am so, so grateful).

You all have my gratitude, Sweetbriar, GettingOOTF, and doglady. I get what is being said. What I am doing cannot be classified as living. Hell, it barely counts as existing. Remaining stationary is not accomplishing a thing; a dog chasing its tail winds up back at the start, making no progress. It is just unfair that hurt people have to expend energy that they do not have to start with in order to get past what originally broke them down in hopes of being able to function at least somewhat normally in the future so as to avoid further ostracism from a society that never gave a damn about them in the first place and only wants them to be productive for the sake of the uncaring whole (whew, that is a mouthful).

[Adria]

FogDawg,

I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through.  Your posts brought me to tears as I could have written the same.  You have been given so much wonderful support and advice here, I don't have much to add other than my deep support and understanding.  You sound like a wonderful person who has never been appreciated for all that you are. 

I can only offer what I know to be true for me, and that is, when I had no one, and nowhere to turn (literally), I turned to the only one who understood and cared. For me, that was God.  Not religion, but God, Himself. When I finally, truly put my trust in Him, he met me right where I was at.  The finances came through when there were none. The peace came when I thought I had to end it all. I stood strong on the promises of His word, and He never failed me when I call on His name.  I will never say it's been easy, because it has not.  He has not promised easy. But, he has promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

One of my favorite Bible verses is,"Psalm 27:10 King James Version (KJV)
"10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."
If given the chance, He will prove it.

Another verse that has kept me going is, Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

I literally posted these verses on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, in my car and on my phone.  I needed these plastered in front of me everywhere I looked to keep my faith from running out.

I stayed in constant prayer, and played Chris Thomlin music CDs every time I thought I was about to go over the edge.

I didn't mean to get preachy, but this is the honest truth, otherwise I would not be here today. God was THE anchor that got me through and still is to this day.  He is the ONLY reason I"m still standing. 

In some ways things are better, but on occasion when things seem to spiral out of control again and feelings of hopelessness arise , and I can't seem to find words to pray, I pray the Lord's prayer. It reminds me of who is in charge, and I give it all back and wait on Him to move on my behalf. I have found nowhere else to turn.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as they are with everyone on this forum.  The pain sometimes seems insurmountable.  But, God . . .

Please don't give up dear sister. Hang on. There is beauty for ashes if we walk through and don't quit. 

We are all here for you, from all walks of life.  That is what makes this forum so beautiful.  Everyone has different points of view and special thoughts and experiences to bring a rich and full array of caring and advice. 

You will be okay. There are truly better days ahead. Hugs, Adria

[FogDawg]

Thank you for the support, Adria. It is unfortunate that you can relate to much of what I wrote. While I do not believe, I am glad that you are able to place faith in a higher power and feel like you are being taken care of/watched over by it. Your post is not preachy; you are simply relaying what works for you and offering a suggestion. Like you said, it is great that there are so many willing to offer their unique points-of-view, and I appreciate them all.